SUBURBAN SENSHI EPISODE THREE: "There's Something About Mamo-chan" EPISODE PREVIEW EHH?! Chibiusa doesn't like Pegasus anymore?! What do you mean, "you've got your Mamo-chan now?!" But wait, so does Usagi! Setsuna, what have you done?! And who's this joining the cast?! Bad Speeches! BATTLE! Weird mad doings as SUBURBAN SENSHI enters midseason with its SWEEPS episode! A special SUPER service edition! Haruka: This story contains big spoilers for just about the entire Sailor Moon series. If you don't want to know what happens, stop reading NOW. If you keep reading, and then complain to the author about what you've learned, I'll personally introduce your face to my fist in the name of Ur- anus... uhh, Urine-us... uhh, whatever. By Dr. Xadium (drxadium@DEATHTOSPAMgate.net) Naoko Takeuchi is hereby thanked for her involuntary contribution to this fanfic. TEASER It is a dark, sylvan glade. Crystal trees chime softly under the mysterious moonlit sky. Hotaru finds herself standing by a lake in her pajamas, staring at a Pegasus which stands in the middle of the dark waters, calm and serene. She is captivated by its pearly white coat, its sublime grace and ethereal presence. The Pegasus snorts slightly, and inclines its head, beckoning her closer... ever closer. Hotaru stretches her hand out tentatively... a slash. The glint of hard adamantium. A gusher of oxygenated blood. The severed head of Pegasus looking up in shock at the stern visage of Sailor Saturn. "you... decapitated me..." the mythical beast's head spluttered, gasping. "Stay out of my dreams, foul temptor of innocent youth," Saturn proclaimed darkly. END TEASER ACT I - SET 'EM UP... Deep in the depths of her (now Pegasus-free) dream world, Hotaru smiled. A feeling of calm relaxation spread across her being. "Death... coming towards us!!" she dimly heard. "Is someone talking about me again?" Hotaru's waking body mumbled, not quite concious yet. A massive explosion soon fixed that, however. Hotaru's eyes opened just in time to see the front of her room door blown open by what could only have been a Deep Submerge attack. Having nasty flashbacks to the last time she faced such an attack, Hotaru reflexively transformed into Sailor Saturn as Sailor Neptune appeared in her room. Before Saturn could demand an explanation, Neptune yelled "Hurry up, Hotaru! Jump out the window before it's too late!!" Hotaru looked at Neptune, a.k.a. Michiru, askance. She wondered if this weak ploy was really they best they could think of to try and kill her after all these years. Neptune shook her head. "It's not what you think! No time to explain! Why do you think I'm transformed for? It's the only way!" Michiru quickly leapt out the window without further ado. Saturn shook her head. From a wonderful dream of noble and decisive assassination to being asked to defenestrate oneself-- such was a day in the life of a Sailor senshi. She was about to look out the window to see what Neptune was doing on the front lawn when Sailor Uranus came roaring into the room, not even bothering to stop, merely yelling "move, death cloud, hurry" before leaping out the window herself. "Death Cloud?" Saturn mouthed before shrugging and leaping from her window, landing safely on her feet some thirty feet down. There she saw Haruka and Michiru looking at each other with the oddest expressions on their faces. Well, she reasoned, if they de-transformed, this "Death Cloud" thing couldn't be a new enemy. Saturn de-transformed. "So what is this Death Cl--" Hotaru began. Raising her hand imperiously, Michiru cut her off and pointed up, where a green cloud of apparently corrosive mist could be seen wafting from Hotaru's window. "Haruka made it this morning while playing with various household cleaners and solvents." Hotaru scowled and looked at Haruka. "Still playing with anarchist text files from the internet, I see." Haruka nodded her head absently, staring intently at the cloud. "Go the other way," she hissed under her breath, subconciously trying to will the cloud to pass over onto Nephlite's property. "No, not that other way, the *other* other way..." "Wow..." Nephlite said sarcastically from his front lawn, looking up at the cloud from behind expensive Italian sunglasses. "Look at that thing go... is that the best you weak pathetic senshi can do? Child-youma in the Dark Kingdom expelled more potent fumes after eating bean burritos." Haruka balled up her fists and tried willing the cloud even harder. "Don't you think this little revival of the Dark Kingdom war has gone on long enough?" Michiru asked Haruka after Nephlite had gone back inside. "First you blow up his car put putting gas in his muffler. Then he shoots up the side of the house with a potato cannon. You retaliate by pouring super glue in all his locks--" "Just a bit of harmless fun..." Haruka growled through gritted teeth. "Well, at least I have my precious painting back," Michiru said walking into the house for a moment to retrieve the painting she had "rescued" from the philistines on eBay. "I can't believe you paid three thousand dollars for it," Haruka said, looking at the depiction of a calm blue sea under a bright blue sky. "Hmph," Michiru exhaled. "You probably don't even know what this all means." She probably thinks it's just waves under the sky or something, Michiru thought. "So?" She asked, what do you see when you look at it, hmm? Can you appreciate its finer subtleties?" Haruka looked at it and shrugged. "It's just waves under the sky--" A random member of the public walked past the front yard within earshot. (Cue rose petals and Ikuhara "Haruka and Michiru perfection" theme) "--which clearly symbolize the deep psychological mysteries of man-- embodied by the ocean-- hidden under the thin veneer of the reflected self as shown by the sunlit waves." "Wow," said the random member of the public as he walked off. (end perfection music with faux watercolor shot of scene) Michiru watched Haruka, a sweatdrop forming on the side of her head. "I can't believe you got that." Haruka nodded. "I'm just perfect, I guess." Michiru sighed. "Well, I'm sure I can sell this to a reputable art dealer for a princely sum. Then we'll all eat like kings." Just then, the green death cloud descended, killing off the grass on the lawn as it moved, passing in front of the painting, melting the paint into unrecognizable blobs. Michiru looked at the scene, jaw agape. "Well, it certainly is 'surrealist'," Haruka quipped. "You don't even know what that word means," Michiru griped. Hotaru sighed. "You know, the fall of most great empires was precipitated by a lack of ability to adequately fund vital infrastructure or provide for the nutritional needs of its people. Not that I'm comparing us to a great empire--" she watched as Haruka and Michiru began screaming insults at one another. "--no, we're now at the 'vicious infighting colonists stage'. Definitely." A HALF HOUR LATER, ACROSS TOWN NEAR ICHINOHASHI PARK Hotaru and Minako* *The first of our Sweeps Week special guests! sat at an outdoor table sipping some lime soda. "So, Hotaru-chan," Minako said after taking a long sip of her drink, "are you sure you want me to do this?" Hotaru nodded. "It would be extremely helpful if you would." Minako sighed. "It's so hard being the Goddess of Love sometimes. Everyone always needs your services." Hotaru ignored the conceit. "Well?" Minako looked past Hotaru, past the 10 AM crowd in the outdoor eating area, and towards a young couple seated at a park bench-- a slender male dressed in a red shirt and dark purple pants* *think Akio from Utena, to the extreme. Or if you like, Mack Daddy Elios. wearing a reversed black baseball cap, sitting extremely close to a very short pink-haired girl. "Well," Minako began after studying them intently for a few moments, "Chibiusa has six fillings, Elios has none-- just--" She looked harder, askance,"--some false gold caps?!" Hotaru sighed. Since Sailor Venus' powers granted her dominion over the element metal and *allegedly* the force of love, Hotaru had been relying on Minako to use her inherent ability to determine if two individuals were truly suited for one another in order to gauge the severity of the Elios- Chibiusa problem. Instead, Minako had apparently chosen to use her ability to sense and identify any kind of metal instead.* *I saw these powers posited in a fanfic a long time ago and liked the idea, so I'm running with it. All the inners have similar element-based skills. "I'm not really interested in their dental work," Hotaru said somewhat exasperatedly. "Are they a match?" Minako wrinkled her nose slightly. "Always respect your elders, Hotaru- chan, I'm getting to that." She concentrated intently for a second. "There's no problem." Hotaru looked at her intently. "Really?" "They're a perfect match," Minako said firmly. "Of course Elios' powers could be messing up what I see about him." "I see." Hotaru got up, her expression clouded. "Please, continue to enjoy your meal--" she said darkly. "I shall be back shortly." "Wait!" Minako said, standing up. "As Sailor Venus, the protector of lovers everywhere, I can't allow you to go interfering where true love has begun to flower!" Hotaru looked at her askance. "Minako-san, the boy is a *Horse*. Why do you think he's wearing that ridiculous baseball cap? It's to hide his *horn* from the public eye. Look how he's drooling all over Chibiusa-- like a Horse pining for its sugar cube!" Minako frowned. "You know what they say--" she pointed to the sky profoundly, "'Love is a very splendid fling'." Hotaru blanched. Minako's malapropisms were getting worse with time. "You mean to quote the Bard: 'Love is a many-splendored thing.'" Minako sweatdropped. "Doesn't matter," she finally said firmly. "Love is love. Someday you'll understand that. It's my job to protect that love. I can't let you destroy it."* *ATTENTION OSCAR VOTERS: YOU KNOW WHO YOU WANT TO VOTE FOR. "I'm Sailor Saturn, the soldier of ruin, remember? Destruction is *my* duty," Hotaru countered, her black-clad form cutting through the bright pastel crowd like a harbinger of doom. Minako briefly thought of interceding, but the truth was she too was a little worried about the horse situation, emotions aside. Besides, she thought as she sat down and picked up her drink, this could get real interesting real fast. On the bench Elios / Pegasus leaned over Chibiusa, mumbling in her ear. As Hotaru listened to him, she noted his voice was unsettling, like the glib tones of a far-too-much older eerily pedophilic (in a subtextual way) man.* *Think DUB Pegasus. "That's right, honey," Elios was saying suavely. "I'm the man. I can make *all* your dreams come true. Dreams are what I'm all about, after all, my little Suga Baybee." A dark shadow crept over the couple. "And I'm all about nightmares," Hotaru intoned darkly. "You're quite different when out of the public eye, eh, my equine friend?" Elios looked up at her with an air of smug amusement. Chibiusa just stared at his face in a dream-like trance. "Well if it isn't Goth grrrl. Look who's talking about being different. Aren't you usually polite to excess?" "Not to my enemies," Hotaru said, scowling. "And for the record, I am *not* 'Goth'. The time is nigh for us to settle our differences, you vile manipulator of the dreams of innocent youth." Clouds began to gather, and raindrops begna to fall. The vast crowds of the midmorning dispersed, leaving only the interested parties in the park. "You're just a speciest, you know that?" Elios said, getting up, eyes flashing darkly. "'Humans for Humans', and all that. Well, It'll be my pleasure to teach you to be more open minded. Or do you secretly want some of what da sweet Elios has to offer?" "Perish the thought," Hotaru said, changing in a flash to Sailor Saturn, her Silence Glaive's wickedly sharp curved edge pressing dangerously against Elio's throat, "or preferably... just perish." Elios blanched. "The Glaive cries out for the blood of the profane," Saturn said with a bit too much relish.* *ATTENTION OSCAR VOTERS: YOUR VOTE IS NOW CERTAIN With the sound of a ricocheting bullet, a rose shot out of the sky and flew in the space between Saturn and Elios, separating the two.* *Cue Tuxedo Mask entrance music and welcome sweeps week guest #2! "Hold! It is unbecoming for fellows on the side of light to fight amongst themselves," Tuxedo Mask said dashingly, leaping from high up in the trees to a position alongside Sailor Saturn. "Uhh, excuse me," Saturn said slowly, "What exactly are you doing?" Tuxedo Mask looked at her and quietly said "well, ever since Usagi's services as Sailor Moon have not been needed, I've been showing up whenever any of the other Senshi have needed backup in a fight. At least, that't the plan. I need to keep my reflexes sharp." "Endymion-sama!" Elios exclaimed, suddenly sounding like a well-behaved young man. He was also suddenly dressed in his priestly robes and kneeling on the ground. "Sailor Saturn was going to attack me, the loyal servant to your family since time immemorial." "What is the meaning of this?" Tuxedo Mask said, looking at Saturn accusingly. "Well let's see," Saturn said, unimpressed. "An older man with a great deal of experience in the ways of the world who is in actuality a flying animal creature, actively trying to seduce a much younger, naive girl-- *your own* future daughter. This is the injustice I am seeking to correct." Tuxedo Mask scowled and turned his gaze to Elios. "I had never thought of it in those terms before." Elios stood up and produced a picture of Mamoru and Usagi. "Ahem. I believe you too have experience in the 'older male woos younger naive female' department." The rose on the ground wilted as Tuxedo Mask sweatdropped. "I-- uhh, leave it to you, Sailor Saturn!" He quickly flew up into the trees. * * * In the trees, out of view of everyone else, Tuxedo Mask suddenly found himself enmeshed in a large net. "Yes," said a dark and sinister voice. "Welcome to my net of intrigue." "Shouldn't that be 'web' of Intrigue?" the trapped Tuxedo Mask asked. "Silence!" the voice said, suddenly a lot less dark and sinister. A giant needle lashed out and stabbed Tuxedo Mask in the arm and everything went dark. * * * Back on the ground, Saturn was once again squaring off with Elios. "Looks like you won't be getting any help now, Pegasus," Saturn said icily. With a flash, Elios was transformed into Pegasus. "Don't mock my power," Pegasus said in his borderline creepy pedophile dub voice. "I powered up all the inner senshi." "So," Saturn countered, "I powered up all the other outer senshi and Eternal Sailor Moon." "I won't let you get between me and my Reenie!" Pegasus exclaimed. "Reenie?" Saturn asked, despite herself. "My pet name for her. A lot nicer that 'Chibi'", don't you think?" "Your perversity knows no bounds," Saturn growled. "Die!" Pegasus launched into the air, gyred once and swooped towards Saturn. "Silence Glaive, SURPRISE!"* *I hold to the theory that unlike a Death Reborn Revolution, the Silence Glaive Surprise will not kill Saturn unless she puts all her power into it, so it can be as destructive as the amount of power she puts in. I base this on the episode where she fights Nephelenia and uses the SGS to take out the whole castle and then STOPS before annihilating them both. Also in the Manga I think she pulls it off without dying. The ground under Saturn cracked and exploded, a crater forming everywhere save the spot upon which she stood. A wave of energy lashed out from the Silence Glaive smashing Pegasus in the side. Like a shot down jet fighter, Pegasus veered out of control and landed in some far-off bushes.* *end of sweeps week battle scene Sensing someone approaching, Saturn quickly de-transformed. "What's going on here?" The local police chief asked. Hotaru looked at her surroundings-- a massive smoking crater, still issuing forth wisps of residual energy. Thinking fast, she lied, "I think I saw Son Goku come past a moment ago.* *In fact, they were. They've gotten so fast and powerful by this point their fights aren't even visible on our plane anymore, like that one classic Star Trek episode. The police chief snorted. "Damn that Son Goku and his friends, always flying all over the place, having their fights and ripping up huge chunks of the Earth. It's like 'NOBODY ELSE has to live here'... oh NOOO... 'so let's just devastate the city because we CAN-- Between them and Gojira--'" Hotaru sighed and went to the bench where Chibiusa sat alone, still in a daze as the chief continued to ramble to himself. * * * THE TOMOE RESIDENCE* *cue sweeps week special guest #3!! "Did you bring it?" asked the manicially grinning Professor Tomoe, his face oscured by shadow, glasses glinting in the darkness. "I have the sample right here," Setsuna said, holding up a large hypodermic needle filled with blood. "I didn't actually need that much blood," the mad Professor Tomoe said, taken aback slightly. "Were you able to get the other sample?" Setsuna asked, as she donned a white lab coat and followed Tomoe down into the depths of his rebuilt home laboratory. "Easily enough!" the Professor said, grinning widely. "There were samples all over the house to choose from. She was here almost every day at one point." "So now what?" Setsuna asked as they approached a fancy microwave-like device which had a black star emblazoned on the front. Professor Tomoe took the hypodermic needle from Setsuna and injected it into a small seed-like egg, which he then tossed into the microwave-like box, which already contained some other objects.. "We set it on high for three minutes," Tomoe said, chuckling, "and then it will be born!" THREE MINUTES LATER As Setsuna stood gazing in admiration at the Professor's latest creation, Tomoe began to laugh maniacally. After a few seconds, the usually reserved and aloof Setsuna began to chuckle... finally exploding into similar diabolical laughter. * * * "So you see," Hotaru said, thrusting a copy of the explicitly illustrated THE HORSE WHISPERER GOES TOO FAR in Chibiusa's face, "this is what actually *would* happen. As you can see, there has been severe hemmorhaging--" Chibiusa expelled the contents of her stomach. Hotaru smiled inwardly. While she did not particularly enjoy torturing her friend with the horrific imagery found in works such as SO YOU WANT TO MAKE A CENTAUR, it was neccessary to introduce Chibiusa to the harsh reality of the world Pegasus was trying to lure her into before it was too late. And now that Pegasus was incapacitated somewhere, he couldn't use his dream powers to keep the pink-haired girl in his thrall. "That's what he really is?!" Chibiusa asked in shock, staring at some of the pictures. "The fairy tales never--" "They never do," Hotaru said coldly. "They never do." "It's OVER!" Chibiusa exclaimed. "I don't want to have anything to do with that... BEAST again!" Hotaru nodded to herself in satisfaction. Now she could let Minako and the others set Chibiusa up with a nice, human boy. The way was finally clear. "I'm glad to hear you're free, Small Lady," Setsuna said, walking into the park with a big smile on her face. "We were all worried about you." Chibiusa grinned. Hotaru smiled, but felt a creeping darkness in the back of her mind. "Will I ever find someone, Puu?" Chibiusa asked desperately. "Of course, dear," Setsuna said, stepping aside to reveal a very blank- faced Mamoru. "He's right here." Hotaru and Chibiusa both threw up. ACT II - ...KNOCK 'EM DOWN... "That's her *father*" Hotaru said archly. "Yeah!" Chibiusa protested. "I'm all over that Electra Complex!" Hotaru nodded. It had been a long, hard year, full of false starts and horrible psychological trauma, but Chibiusa had persevered and come out cleansed of her unhealthy affection for-- "Oh it's all right," Setsuna said. "This is merely a *clone* of Mamoru." "MAMO-CHAN!" Chibiusa launched herself at the clone and clamped herself firmly onto him. "I love you." Mamo-clone uttered flatly. Hotaru lost all strength in her knees and had to sit down, watching helplessly as Chibiusa glomped onto her "father"-- but not her father. "The consequences of inbreeding still exist..." she began weakly, sounding more like Ami-chan than anything else. "CHIBIUSA!" Tsukino Usagi* *sweeps week special Guest #4! yelled, storming into the park. "Hands off my Mamo-chan!" "I love you." Mamo-clone said to Usagi. "MY Mamo-chan!" Chibiusa protested, as she and Usagi began to get into a fight. "This is your doing, isn't it, Setsuna-mama?" Hotaru said, looking over at the wickedly grinning Setsuna. "But I don't understand..." she frowned. "You don't have the technical capacity to make a clone, much less the neccessary infrastructure--" "That was all provided for me by... your father." Setsuna said, her voice laced with irony. Hotaru started. "Father?" She hadn't heard from him in a long time. "I'm going to go see him and get to the bottom of this." "Your father is ashamed to see you, remember? That's why you're living with us to begin with." BEGIN SETSUNA'S FLASHBACK - THE BEGINNING OF THE STARS SEASON Professor Tomoe sat with baby Hotaru in his front lawn watching the sakura blossoms fall from the trees in the front yard of his home. "Oh, my child," the mildly spoken, white haired, well-dressed man said to his baby. "I know you have probably forgiven me for what I did to you... I only did it because I wanted you to live. But the shame devours me. I can't bear to see your smiling face any longer, knowing what I have put you through. Soon that nice woman will be here, and you'll go to live with her and her friends. Please try to think kindly of me in your memories, Hotaru- chan." Setsuna walked into the front yard. "It's time," she said gently. "We will take excellent care of her-- this we all swore." END SETSUNA'S FLASHBACK "It was a noble sacrifice," Setsuna said with an air of breathless insipration. "You know my body may have been that of a baby," Hotaru began coldly, "but my mind was still fully developed. I remember everything perfectly." "Do you?" Setsuna asked offhandedly, holding the back of her head sheepishly. BEGIN HOTARU'S FLASHBACK - THE BEGINNING OF THE STARS SEASON (From a baby's POV) "Do you like the blossoms, Hotaru-chan?" Professor Tomoe asked. "I have come for the child," came Setsuna's voice, booming imperiously from somewhere behind him. "Who are you?" Tomoe asked the woman he could not identify. "You are not fit to raise such a child," Setsuna said darkly. "For you are too mentally unstable." "Are you from social services?" Tomoe asked. "I may have amnesia, but--" With a THOK! Setsuna slammed Tomoe on the head with her Big Assed Key* *the Time Staff Professor Tomoe groaned for a moment, memories beginning to flood his mind. His visage clouded for a moment, becoming obscured by shadow, his glasses glinting in the light. He laughed maniacally. "Now that we're all here," Setsuna said in a more business-like manner, "you know that your daughter has the latent power of Saturn in her." "I also know you tried to kill her," Professor Tomoe said in a somewhat bemused tone. "So did you," Setsuna parried. Tomoe shrugged. "Technically I was trying to keep her alive. So the demon possession thing went a little too far. But your point is?" "My friends and I want to take care of her, raise her in a sheltered environment, where it is unlikely her powers of destruction will re- awaken." "And if they should?" Tomoe asked. "Then we'd 'take care' of her." Setsuna said darkly. "I can't just give up my daughter," Tomoe protested. "Do you really want to run the risk of her getting killed in an accident again, or taken over by some pan-dimensional being of evil?" "That won't happen," Tomoe said confidently. "I'm not going to do any more research into parallel universes. Ever." The quietly chuckling mad scientist raised his hand in a solemn gesture. Setsuna raised her eyebrow. The lie was a transparent one. Tomoe's face fell. He picked up Hotaru and handed her to Setsuna. "Here. Just be sure and take good care of her. Because if you don't--" he began to laugh diabolically. END HOTARU'S FLASHBACK "That's right," Setsuna said defiantly. "Keep your friends close and your enemies closer, was what we had all decided that day. But wait... if you knew all that, why did you stay with us--" "Keep your friends close and your enemies closer," Hotaru echoed with dark amusement. The two women eyed each other warily. "So what is your plan?" Hotaru asked as she watched the two Usagis fighting over the cloned Mamoru. "I thought losing the Garnet Orb put an end to your days of blatant manipulation." "Oh no, my dear," Setsuna said a little manically. "Now the gloves are off. For where I was once the guardian of Order, I will now be the bringer of carefully controlled Chaos." "If you control it," Hotaru protested, "it's still Order." "Silence!" Setsuna boomed. "Thanks to that clone, the real Chiba Mamoru will be MINE!" "I don't understand," Hotaru began. "Why--" "You will when you're older," Setsuna said magnanimously. "Gah!" Hotaru fumed. "I MEAN--" she calmed down, "why not keep the clone for yourself and leave the real Mamoru and Usagi together? Why did you undo all the work I did getting Chibiusa to be normal?" "The clone," Setsuna began slowly, "has problems. For instance it's limited three word vocabulary--" "I love you," the clone intoned as Chibiusa and Usagi tugged at it in different directions. "--also, I want the original, the classic. As long as Chibiusa is glomping on 'Mamoru' like Shampoo on Ranma, Usagi will be too jealous to notice anything amiss. Besides, I think this one is more affectionate than the real Mamoru ever was." "I love you," the clone said as Usagi hit it for being too close to Chibiusa. "So you're saying you don't really want affection," Hotaru said flatly. "I want... victory," Setsuna said with relish. "Sweet, vengeful, twisted victory above reason or sense! VICTORY!!" She began to cackle madly. Hotaru rolled her eyes. "You've been spending too much time with father." A FEW HOURS LATER, BACK AT THE HOUSE Haruka sat in the kitchen, her chin resting on the table. Glumly she looked at the tacky red-and-white checkered surface of the plastic tablecloth. "I really miss my car," she said sadly. "Speeding across three lanes of traffic, the wind ripping through my hair, the sound of police sirens in the background, pedestrians screaming... if only we had money again." Michiru, who was standing with her back to Haruka, sighed in sympathy. "Well, if you hadn't bought all those X-10 cameras, you might have more money, dear." "They serve a purpose," Haruka said softly, still wistful for her car. (Upstairs a computer in Haruka's room monitors live feeds from every inch of Nephlite's house. A sign on top of the computer says "WAR COMPUTER") "Here," Michiru said, putting a plate filled with a food-like substance in front of Haruka. "ARE YOU--" Haruka gasped, "TRYING TO--" she spat, "KILL ME?!"* *OSCAR JUDGES: YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO. Michiru's face became a mask of anger. "It can't be that bad! I'm really trying!" Grabbing some of the food* *we use this term very loosely. with her own chopsticks, Michiru put a huge glob in her mouth. "OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!" "We have to do something about this," Haruka said helplessly. UPSTAIRS In Hotaru's room, Ami* *Sweeps week Guest #5 and Hotaru sat at her desk, furiously working with the Mercury Computer. "So," Ami began pedantically, "we input the genetic sequencing data here, parent one on the right, parent two on the left..." Looking at the screen of the tiny supercomputer, Hotaru saw a picture of Chibiusa on the right, and Mamoru on the left, with various GTTCATCAGGCTAGCA patterns superimposed. "Now," Ami continued, "we develop the most likely genetic sequence of the offspring by invoking the MERGE factor, and taking into account the greater proprensity for genetic resequencing found in females, we have--" The pictures fused and morphed, beginning to change into a new form... Suddenly the computer began to beep. "It can't handle the output data!" Ami said in a panic. "Dark energy is beginning to to be emitted by the new genetic pattern ITSELF--" Pink Energy began to arc out of the palmtop, striking various parts of Hotaru's room, scoring and charring whatever it came into contact with. The power blew out her computer, fluorescent lights, and charred her flowered wallpaper a dark black. At least that last part was an improvement, Hotaru noted. "I can sense the sheer malevolence in it," Hotaru said, fear beginning to creep into her voice. With a pop-like THAM! the Mercury computer exploded into a thousand shards, raining debris all over Hotaru's room. "Inbreeding between Mamoru-- or his clone-- and Chibiusa must never be allowed to occur," Ami said, the terror in her voice plain for anyone to see. "The resultant offspring would be the greatest threat to the world ever known." Hotaru looked at the ravaged remains of her room and nodded. "But Chibiusa's Electra complex is too strong," Ami said weakly. "There is no way we can break it now that Chibiusa actually has a Mamoru that is not her true parent." Hotaru looked at Ami with an expression of grim determination on her face. "Oh, there is a way. But to go that way is to sell oneself to the Devil. The horse-faced devil himself, Elios." Ami looked at Hotaru as if she was mad. "But you know that's an unhealthy alternative." Hotaru shook her head. "Sometimes a lesser darkness must be served in order to preserve the light." THE TSUKINO HOUSE As Usagi and Chibiusa were still at the park busily fighting over the false Mamoru, Hotaru found it relatively easy to sneak in. Making her way up to the attic, which served as Chibiusa's room, she sought out her target. Finally, after searching almost every corner, she found what she was looking for-- a small bell. "I can't believe I'm doing this," Hotaru muttered to herself. Holding the bell, she slowly, embarassedly dropped to one knee. Clasping her hands in front of her, she looked down and prayed, as sincerely as she could manage, "please pegasus... protect everybody's dream..." She coughed, mustering up the will, "--twinkle yell." Nothing happened. Hotaru fumed. So the benighted horse was making her work for it, eh? "TWINKLE YELL!" Suddenly the sound of a disconnected phone number could be heard. "We're sorry, this bell is no longer in service. Please recheck the apparatus and try your invocation again." Hotaru dropped to both knees in shock. At that moment a powerful vision assailed her mind. "Is THAT where he ran off to?" She didn't know whether to be amused or repulsed. A LOCAL BAR "An' you know I'm really powerful, man." Drunken Elios waved his cup of sake around at the half-concious drinkers around him. "I can make chur dreams come true." He hiccuped. "O ya?" asked a barfly next to him. "Then send in a chick, right now." Hotaru walked in the bar, doing her best to avoid showing any outward sign of revulsion at the sweaty smell of liquor and spirits combined with the stench of human pathetitude. "Whoa," the barfly said in awe of Elios' power before passing out. "Hey, baby," Elios said as suavely as a plastered loser can. He squinted and realized who he was talking to. "Oh, ish you. EVERYONE!" He yelled. "EVERYONE!" Somewhere, a patron belched. "Behold, the pale-faced assassin of joy!" Elios laughed, and moved aside so Hotaru could sit next to him. "Did you get Chibiusa outta the way to make room for yourself? I shoulda known! HA HAA!" He laughed and slapped Hotaru on the back. "Control yourself," Hotaru said stiffly, pulling Elios to his feet. "You're coming with me." "She just can't get enough!" Elios yelled. Dragging him outside, Hotaru thrust a large cup of coffee into his hands. "Sober up. Chibiusa's in trouble. Your little 'Reenie' needs you." Elios looked at her incredulously. "You just broke us apart, now you want us back together again? I don't get you." Hotaru scowled. "There is nothing I would like more than to see you permamently removed from this plane of existence, in preferably the bloodiest and most gruesome manner imaginable. The mere thought that a boy that is also a horse would presume to have his way with my best friend is repugnant to me. But there are worse things in this world, and unfortunately, as the fates would have it, one of them has surfaced today." She explained the Mamoru clone situation. "Hey," Elios said bitterly, "at least he's a full on human being. Shouldn't you be happy about that?" "I don't think he's fully human," Hotaru mused. "Not if my father had a hand in his creation. Come on, we're going to investigate this." "Wai-wait," Elios said, suddenly looking a lot more composed and sure of himself. "So you, Tomoe Hotaru, my sworn enemy, are saying that you actually need me, Elios, to help you?" "Why yes," Hotaru replied dryly. "I need you to use your power of subliminal seduction to help me brainwash my best friend back into falling in love with a horse boy so she doesn't end up marrying a clone of her own father, yes indeed." Elios scowled. "Fine, but I warn you now. You might win this battle but lose the war." He laughed at her dilemna. "You can always be eliminated later," Hotaru said far too casually as she walked towards her father's house. "You're too damn scary," Elios said, following behind slowly. "So I got the plan. I'll transform into Pegasus and impale that Mamoru wannabe with my Golden Horn. Then when he's dead, everything will be back to normal." Hotaru looked at him askance. "That's *not* the plan, that was your drunken threat after I told you about the clone. Daimons can be easily defeated, but we have to be sure that's what we're dealing with." BACK AT THE HOUSE "I'm so sorry, was that your motorcycle?" Haruka laughed manically as Nephlite came home to find various components of his sporty new Harley- Davidson hanging from the limbs of his front yard tree. Nephlite's face turned blue with rage. "I swear to you, Ten'ou! I'm going to make you suffer in HELL for this!" "Aww Neffy," Naru said in her screeching Bronx / Deep South accent as she clung to his left arm, "you promised me you was gonna be a good man, a nice man, a decent man... an' dat means no MOH evil, rite hun?" "Of course dear," Nephlite said smoothly as he walked with her toward the front door. But as he passed Haruka he mouthed "I'll bury you." "Bring it on," Haruka replied under her breath. Once he got inside (and out of Naru's earshot) Nephlite picked up his phone and called his travel agent. "I need the fastest flight to the North Pole. Money is no object." ACT III ...AND PICK UP WHAT'S LEFT SETSUNA'S SECRET LAB Chiba Mamoru lay strapped into a padded dentist's chair, his eyes blinded by a bright white light, strobes flashing electric blue all around him. Intravenous fluids filled with psychotropic and hallucinogenic mind- altering drugs were constantly being pumped into his bloodstream. Subliminal music played in the background and a whirling wheel rotated menacingly on the ceiling. Incense was burning and theta waves permeated the atmosphere. Somewhere a triad of dark monks worked their mind manipulating magics. "Now," Setsuna said, speaking into a microphone, her voice booming throughout the chamber, "Chiba Mamoru, you will forget all about Tsukino Usagi. You will love only Meioh Setsuna. All your thoughts will focus around her. You will obsess about her. She will be the only reason for your being. You will be incomplete without--" "No." Mamoru said firmly. "What do you mean, 'No'?!" PROFESSOR TOMOE'S SECRET LAB "Hello?" Hotaru asked trepidatiously as she entered the lower level of her father's secret lab. She had never actually come down to this level before... well actually she had-- just before she died... the first time. Or was it the second time? Hotaru was unsure. "Hotaru!" Boomed the voice of Professor Tomoe, who suddenly stood before her, his face still obscured in darkness, his glasses glinting as brightly as ever. "There is something you should know..." He took in a deep breath. "Something they have never told you..." He wheezed again. "Hotaru...," he began profoundly," "...I AM.... your father."* *Darth Vader Moment Lucasfilm. "I'm well aware of that," Hotaru said matter-of factly. "Oh! Uh, yes!" Professor Tomoe stepped back and then took the opportunity to laugh maniacally for a second. "So what brings you here today?" "We know you helped make that clone of Chiba Mamoru," Hotaru said. "We were wondering if--" Professor Tomoe held up his hand. "I'm sorry, I can't talk about it." "Huh?" Hotaru and Elios looked at him confused. "Now where is it..." Tomoe rifled through his pockets, fishing around for something. "Ahh!" He produced a piece of paper, on which was written in large letters, "NON DISCLOSURE AGREEMENT." Hotaru looked at her father askance. "You signed a non-disclosure agreement with Setsuna-mama?" The professor shrugged. "Hey, the money was right." "Money?" Hotaru asked incredulously. "What money!? She told us all she was broke!" Professor Tomoe coughed and pointed to the NDA. "It covers that too?" Hotaru asked weakly. "Well do you mind if we look around the lab?" Tomoe shook his head. "What are we looking for?" Elios asked. "Anything we can use to detect, view, or remove daimons," Hotaru muttered. "Daimons?" Elios asked. "Demons from a parallel universe my father has a nasty habit of using to make monsters with." "Now I see where you get your charming persona," Elios said smoothly. The next moment he was gasping for air as a bolt shot though his back, and a crystal shaped object flew from his chest. "Hmm," Hotaru said clinically, putting down Eudial's old pure-heart extracting buster rifle, "It seems like every joker out there has a pure heart these days." "Now now, Hotaru," her father chided gently, "put the pure heart back in your boyfriend there." "He's not my boyfriend!" Hotaru said archly. "He's actually a perverse freak of nature that turns into a HORSE when the mood strikes him, and he can freely invade people's dreams in that form!" "Really?" Professor Tomoe replaced the pure heart and looked Elios over appraisingly. "What a fascinating specimen. He must have some rather unique characteristics." Hotaru raised an eyebrow. "Would you like to examine him, papa?" she asked as sweetly as she could. "Would I!?" her father asked with raw, childlike glee. "Then, as a favor to your only child-- who, I might add, you did cause to get killed on no less than two separate occassions-- could you please point me to an instrument that will reveal the true nature of that Mamoru clone?" "I can't," Tomoe said, "because of the agreement. But if while I'm taking horsey-boy here down to the dissection chamber, I should happen to leave you alone in the room with the Daimon Buster Ray located right there next to your LEFT hand... no, your other left-- well, that wouldn't be a violation, would it now, Hotaru-chan?" Hotaru's eyes glistened with tears at the profound moment of sincere family bonding.* *A sweeps week emotional moment special for you!! "No!" Elios cried as Professor Tomoe began to drag him off. "Don't let him do this to me!" he yelled. "Would horsey like a carrot?" Professor Tomoe asked as they moved out of range. "NOOOO!" Elios screamed. "Damn you, Tomoe Hotaru! DAMN YOU TO HELL! I WILL GET YOU- AUUUUUUUGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" There was a hellish scream and then blessed silence. "It looks like I won't be needing your mind power after all," Hotaru said with relish as she loaded the thirteenth "D" battery into her father's Daimon Buster Ray. ICHINOHASHI PARK "I don't care what you say! I say this man is NOT my father and I'm gonna MARRY HIM!" Chibiusa screamed. "I love you," the clone cooed. "But if we accept what you say as true, and he's not Mamo-chan, isn't true then that you only want to marry him because he looks EXACTLY like your father?!" Usagi shot back. "I love you," said the clone. "That was really complex thinking of you, Usagi... pretty good considering your brain hardly gets any OXYGEN!" "I love you," repeated the clone. "I prefer to think of it as EFFICIENT use of RESOURCES!" Usagi screeched. "I love you," droned the clone. "He's MINE!" Chibiusa bawled, locking her hands around the clone's neck in a super-glomp anime jedi death grip. "I love you," gasped the clone. "THAT-- IS-- MAMO-CHAN!" Usagi roared. "Princess Tsukino Usagi Small Lady Serenity, I FORBID YOU TO MARRY YOUR OWN FATHER!!!" "I love you," the clone said weakly as its air supply continued to decrease. An explosion to the south caught both girls' attention.* *Haruka has just detonated a "fertilizer bomb" (not made of fertilizer, it shoots OUT fertilizer) all over Nephlite's yard; the resultant DBZ-style nuclear cloud of manure can be seen for a quarter mile. Chibiusa stared at the cloud, letting go of the clone, which gasped for breath. Usagi continued to stare at the cloud mesmerized. "I love you." "Chibiusa," Hotaru said, arriving on the scene with the Daimon Buster Ray. "You must listen to me. I think there's a daimon in that clone. This ray will take it out... or something." "I love you," the clone said yet again. "Do we have to?" Chibiusa whined. "You never let me have any boyfriends." "I love you," interjected the clone. "Let's see," Hotaru said, pondering. "Your previous choices so far have been a) your father, b) a horse, c) a monster who looks like your father. You're not doing very well." "I love you," the clone persisted. Chibiusa frowned. "So let's see if you're right." "I love you," the clone insisted. "Would you *please* shut up!?" Taking aim, Hotaru fired the ray at the clone, which spasmed and twitched in a ray of blazing electric light. "Look," Chibiusa said in awe, "you can see inside it..." "Those are the ingredients my father must have used as a base," Hotaru said. Inside the clone was a daimon pod, and a Valentine's day card which read, predictably enough, "I love you". Suddenly the daimon pod cracked open while still in the clone, and a wild eyed, short, and radioactively pink simalcrum of Chibiusa (plus fangs and glowing eyes and venom) could be seen emerging. "He must have used your DNA for the daimon base, and Mamoru-san's for the host clone body," Hotaru mused. "Eheheh, that father of mine." Chibiusa retched at seeing the distilled raw essence of herself cavorting within the clone. "I don't think I like this clone anymore..." she said weakly. Hotaru shut off the beam and patted Chibiusa on the back consolingly. "Come on, Chibiusa, let's get out of here." Chibiusa nodded. "I love you," the clone snarled as the two girls left. "I love you too," Usagi said, finally taking her eyes off the cloud of manure (which was raining back down on the city) and giving the clone a big hug. "Finally, I'm glad that girl gave up. It was getting disturbing, her wanting to marry her own father. Now we're free to be married as we should be." BACK AT THE HOUSE "HARUKA!" Michiru yelled, "you've gone too far this time! The whole block smells like-- well you know what it smells like!" "S**T!" Haruka exclaimed. She hadn't expected the payload to be that intense. Now both her home and Nephlite's were covered in smelly brown horse excreta. At least the parts of the lawn killed by the morning's death cloud would be back in fine shape in no time. Also, now she knew why Hotaru had been so opposed to Chibiusa and Elios- their house would have probably smelt like this all the time. "You're DEAD!" Nephlite yelled, a gas mask over his mouth. "I finally have in my possession the instrument of your destruction, brought down especially from the North Pole!" "Queen Ber--" Haruka and Michiru looked at each other worriedly.* *Cue the FINAL Special Sweeps Week star... "Behold!" Nephlite boomed, "Return of the--" "Jedite!" Haruka and Michiru watched helplessly as the formerly flash frozen dark general emerged from behind Nephlite. Rubbing his eyes, Jedite surveyed the torn and blasted foul-smelling landscape and nodded. "So, I see the Dark Kingdom won the war, eh?" "Uhh, no," Nephlite said quietly. "We got trounced. But I brought you BACK so you could take vengeance on some Sailor Senshi and be my loyal lieutenant once again!" Jedite looked at Nephlite incredulously. "If we lost, then there is no Dark Kingdom. If there is no Dark Kingdom there is no command structure. If there is no command structure--" Jedite picked some of the manure off the ground, "--then you can eat THIS!" He threw it in Nephlite's face. Crossing the property line, Jedite looked at Haruka and Michiru. "So who're the Sailor Senshi? You two, I suppose?" "Uranus," Haruka said defensively. "Neptune," Michiru replied cautiously. "Ahh," Jedite said, seemingly unconcerned. "Well, war's over. I did my job, got frozen for it, that sort of put me off the whole Dark Kindgom thing. So do either of you know a place where a noble ex-general such as myself can get a job around here? I'm rather glad to not be living in a dark cave filled with demons--" he surveyed the landscape, "--not that this filth ridden cesspit seems to be much better-- but it's something, I suppose." "What are your skills?" Michiru asked. "Oh, the usual," Jedite replied. "Slaying, torturing, fearmongering, energy collection--" Haruka and Michiru shook their heads. "--threats, cooking, intimidation--" "Wait!" Haruka's head snapped up to alert attention. "Did you just say 'cooking'?" Jedite nodded. "Real cooking, with human foods, not with youma fingers or something like that?" Jedite chuckled. "I used to be a General of the Earth before Beryl got her claws into me, you know. Yes, real human food-- although," he pondered reflectively, "in the Dark Kingdom 'human food' meant something else entirely--" "Whatever!" Haruka exclaimed. "You're hired! We need a cook in the worst way!" "And what will you pay him with," Nephlite said mockingly from his yard, "some of that fertilizer off the ground? You're poor, pathetic peasants now, remember?" "I will pay him," Haruka replied coldly, locking her gaze on Nephlite's own, "with the chance to get constant, unrelenting, sweet delicious revenge on you for as long as you live... next door." "Sold!" Jedite said, sneering at Nephlite. "See what you get for talking down to me in front of Beryl?" "Treacherous DOG!" Nephlite snapped. "You haven't seen the end of this!" "Well, everyone, it looks like we may have some money after all," Michiru said proudly. "I've just finished my latest work of art." Pointing to her still-veiled canvas, Michiru waited for sufficient interest to build, and then she hauled off the cover, revealing-- "Is that what I think it is?" Jedite asked curiously. Haruka nodded dumbly, a sweatdrop forming on her head. SETSUNA'S SECRET LAB "WHY?!" Setsuna screamed, turning up the lab's Tantalus Ray to "mind melting" level. "Why is it that every two-bit monster and demon queen in the universe has had their way with your mind, Chiba Mamoru, but I can't even get you to accept a SIMPLE HYPNOTIC SUGGESTION?!" FADE OUT PREVIEW OF NEXT EPISODE Who says it's bad to beat up a dead horse? No One? Oh well! Michiru's new painting is revealed, but no one likes it! Hotaru and Haruka take a break from the action as we take a special look into "The Secret World of Kaioh Michiru", next time on Suburban Senshi! You better get ready!