SUBURBAN SENSHI EPISODE FIVE: "The Truth is Out Here" EPISODE PREVIEW Evertyhing can be explained, if you just look hard enough. Well this week we see that our writers have been looking hard! Or is that hardly looking?!? Who knows?? A very complicated day when questions are answered, answers are questioned, and people explode!! So pay attention, and let's all root for Mr. Satan, today on Episode Five of Suburban Senshi! JEDITE: This episode of Suburban Senshi contains no spoilers at all. Feel free to read it... yes, very free. The Dark Kingdom will draw great strength from the energy of your anguish as you encounter information your puny little minds were not prepared to handle. MUHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA. Oh wait. I suppose I should have stopped talking back there. Damn! Fine. Spoilers for the whole series abound. Read no further unless you don't care about that kind of thing. By Dr. Xadium (drxadium@DEATHTOSPAMgate.net) Naoko Takeuchi is hereby thanked for her involuntary contribution to this fanfic. TEASER "Right this way, miss." Hotaru apprehensively walked into the prisoner detention area. It was suprisingly sterile and well lit, but the stench of rum-soaked breath filled the air. "Hotaru!" yelled a jubilant, yet strangely wild-eyed Haruka, who had run up to the bars of her cell, gripping them tightly. "What took you so long?! Do you know how long I've been stuck in here with--" Haruka looked behind her, focusing for a moment on the inert, hairy, rum- soaked mass that was her cellmate. "--Goichi." Haruka shuddered. Hotaru frowned. "It was my fault entirely. I made the cardinal mistake of looking for you in the *women's* section." "Ten'ou- Yur a womun?" Goichi asked, slowly lurching to his feet, a distinctly unhealthy gleam in his eyes. "Yes," Haruka said calmly, turning around. "And unless you sit back down, you'll be one too." She made a fist and compressed it with her other hand until her knuckles cracked. Goichi retreated to his corner. "So you've come to bail me out, right?" Haruka asked hopefully, again clinging to the bars like an almost desperate child. "I've no money," Hotaru said flatly. "You won't be needing any," said the guard who had escorted Hotaru to the detention area of the Tokyo District Court. "The judge is ready to hear your case now." SEVERAL MINUTES LATER "Ten'ou Haruka, it is especially shameful for one such as yourself, an idol to millions of Japanese youth, to be engaging in these petty, destructive acts!" The judge pointed to a video screen, where a news camera could be seen pointed at a huge nuclear cloud of manure, which was slowly expanding to fill the sky. Within moments screams could be heard as the cloud obscured the sun. Then there were the panicked screams as a hailstorm of fetid manure began pelting the ground, squishy slops of horse s**t slamming into people, buildings, houses and trees. The camera eventually got hit and the picture blanked to static. Haruka hung her head as the judge leaned forward menacingly. "This court fines you two hundred million yen for the damages caused to the Azabu- Juuban area, and furthermore, bans you from EVER engaging in any more acts of anarchy! You have one week to pay the fine, or I will gladly send you to jail for three years!" As Hotaru led a despondent Haruka out of the courtroom, she reflected that things could hardly get any worse. SOMEWHERE IN TOKYO Chibiusa walked into the convent, knowing that this was the only way she would ever be happy... ACT I: HOTARU'S DAY HOTARU: It has been said that a great civilization is not conquered from without until it has destroyed itself from within. The essential cause of Rome's decline lay in her people... her morals... her class struggles... her failing trade... and her consuming war... ...and our domestic situation is no different. History is a cyclical pattern like any other. It tends to foreshadow its future workings and strongly echo, if not completely revisit, its past machinations. Now of course some of you would maintain it to be a conceit of the highest order to compare the inner workings of our humble home with the life cycle of the mighty Roman Empire. But if we learn the lessons of nature, we can see this is not the case. Physics and Mathematics have shown us that reality is a fractal, that is, a self-similar mechanism whose structure is such that the grandest of shorelines is reflected in the structure of a tiny grain of sand. As above, so below. And if there was any doubt that we were below, one needed only to look at the way things were going at home. Over there on the couch wearing the "Mr. Satan" T-shirt and tattered jeans is my adoptive "poppa", Haruka. An astute observer might note how tightly she's clutching her can of faux imported lager. It is her only solace, now that Nephlite has all but won their little skirmish by virtue of the court order. Well, she also has the upcoming Tenkai-ichi Budokai on television. Projecting her stress onto the matches is the only way she can overcome her own frustration, I suppose. "Hey, Hotaru-chan!" Haruka calls to me. "Isn't this great? This is the best matchup in years! Krillyn v Yamucha, MaJunior vs. Son Goten, Trunks vs. Number 18, Vegita vs. Ubuu, and the winner gets to face Mister Satan!" Ridiculous. I took the opportunity to once again remind Haruka that despite the seeming quality of the undercard, there was nothing to it. Regardless of who makes it to the final bout with Mr. Satan, he always wins because the finale of the tournament is obviously RIGGED. Haruka took the opportunity to dismiss my insight as anti-Satan bias. Hmph. As Juvenal said, "Two things only do the people actually desire--bread and circuses." Well Haruka had her little circus. Unfortunately for the rest of us, the empire had precious little bread. "Something wasn't right about that punk." Jedite's voice. Ahh, yes. The mighty Dark General. Apparently he and Michiru-momma had something of an adventure whilst I was off trying to find Haruka in jail. From what I can gather, she lost a great deal of money in some kind of robbery. The irony of a General from the Dark Kingdom and the Senshi of Neptune being robbed by a common street thug does not escape me. Nor apparently has it escaped Michiru-momma, who has done nothing all day besides sit and sulk, while Jedite continuously calls out for swift vengeance. "He's too short for that! Blind him with a Taiyouken!" That was Haruka, yelling and screaming, her arms flailing so much its a wonder her frothy beer hasn't slipped from her grasp and become a dangerous projectile. Oh dear. I spoke too soon-- there goes Jedite's uniform jacket. Well, since Michiru-momma is too depressed, Jedite is fuming over his ruined uniform, and Haruka-poppa is tied up in the Budokai, I suppose I will have to be the one who sorts out this situation, inconvenient as that might be. As Gurdjieff could have easily said about them, "we want cooked chickens to fly into our mouths." Someone has to take responsibility or the situation will never improve. Recalling my conversation with father regarding Setsuna-momma's funding of his mad experiments, I decided to find a competent accountant-- someone who could "show me the money" as it were. It took me several hours of fruitless telephone conversations before I found someone who appeared to be competent enough to handle the matter. We set up an appointment, and I began the walk to her office, which was not terribly far away. Oddly enough, as I was making my way to her office, I saw none other than Chiba Mamoru... correction, his *clone* (no sane human jogs across the street repeating "I Love You" to angry motorists) and Minako's cat Artemis heading for a local pub. It only dimly occured to me to enquire if anyone had even bothered to tell Usagi her boyfriend was a clone. Before I could ponder that thought more deeply, I found myself at the Accountant's office. It was small. The object d'art which had been placed in seemingly haphazard locations, badly placed magazines and painful 'muzak' which assaulted my ears all combined to give the room a non- threatening, comfortable atmosphere-- but I could see the sinister precision behind the placement of every element. It was chaos giving rise to a carefully crafted order, designed, no doubt, to put potential auditors at ease. "Tomoe Hotaru?" the accountant asked, appearing from a back room and settling comfortably in her medium backed, cloth covered chair. "Tendo Nabiki." I noticed her subtly using her elbow to shove a "proud partner of Arthur Andersen" desk ornament to the side. "So how can I help you?" she asked, an altogether too-bright smile lighting her features. It made little sense to beat around the bush. "I suspect my relative has embezzled family funds. I want you to verify if this is the case, and if so, provide me with a location for those funds." "Oh, I get that a lot," Tendo said, leaning back in her chair. "What's the name of your relative?" "Meioh Setsuna." As I uttered the words, I saw Tendo's eyes widen momentarily, her knuckles whitening. I could almost swear a drop of drool came forth from the corner of her mouth. "THE Meioh Setsuna? The one who owned a third of the Delta?" She looked at me with an almost ravenous expression. "The same," I replied curtly. Clearly this Tendo respected wealth a great deal. This might not be a good sign. "One Million Yen," Tendo said flatly, holding out her hand. I started. "I don't have that kind of money," I said as neutrally as I could. "I don't work for free, you know," Tendo said in a tone that indicated she had taken offense. "And even if I was inclined to give you credit--which I'm not-- locking it up with someone the likes of Meioh Setsuna requires access to computer hackers, information hunters and a good bodyguard." Most of what she had said made sense, except the last part. "Meioh Setsuna would never do you any harm." "You haven't heard what I heard." Tendo turned away from me, her arms crossed. "You think she got so rich just *picking stocks*? No one could be that good. She'd have to be a time traveller or something." Tendo had no idea. "A retainer, then?" I asked, holding out twenty thousand yen. "No dice." Tendo was adamant. "I also have professional pride to think about. If I just let little goth waifs like you waltz in and take up my valuable time, what example do you think that would set? I'm so good at my job that wherever I go, people are waving at me." GOTH?! The sheer unmitigated cheek! Notwithstanding the seriousness of the situation, I could not let the offense slip by unchallenged. "Yes," I replied coldly, trying to channel Haruka, "and perhaps if you did a good job, they’d use _all_ their fingers instead of just the one when they waved." "Save the flattery," Tendo retorted, turning and pointing out the front door. "Come up with the cash or find someone else." I left the office wondering if her arrogant attitude was rooted in a justifiable confidence in her abilities, or if she was merely, as I suspected, a jerk. Still, there was no way I could come up with a million yen. As Renard had done before me, I had finally come to know what separated me from the beasts-- financial worries. Scarcely had I taken three steps away from Tendo's office when a large diamond fell from the sky, landing conveniently at my feet. Normally I raise a skeptical eye at coincidence, believing that luck is merely the residue of design. Certainly the appearance of a very large, very expensive looking stone at my feet just when I required such an item pushed the very bounds of synchronicity to their limits, but this was no time for paltry quibbles. Rushing back into the office, I presented my find to Tendo, who nearly fainted at the sight of the diamond. After several hard hours behind her computer, Nabiki (she had become considerably more friendly after obtaining a large diamond) informed me that Setsuna-momma had indeed embezzled from us. "She was very clever," Nabiki said. "The audit trail is so convoluted it looks like a mobius strip. But what it boils down to is, she transferred all her funds from your joint family account to an offshore account the day before the Enron stock tanked and wiped the rest of you out. That, combined with the fact that she seems to own half of Japan via some complicated trust and land-exchange deals makes her an insanely rich woman. She could crush us like ants." Nabiki shuddered, and slammed a lot of buttons on her computer. "I didn't see any of this," Nabiki suddenly pronounced. "And you were never here. You've never met me." She got up to bid me farewell. This was too good to pass up. "If I never met you," I said slowly, "then there was no need for me to give you the diamond." "What diamond?" Nabiki said slowly. Somehow she had already hidden it-- and I had been keenly observing her all the while. Impressive. I shrugged. "Very well. I suppose it would be irresponsible of me to start a rumour that you were digging around in Meioh Setsuna's affairs." Nabiki, to her credit, did not flinch. "Come on," she said coolly, "You know that rumors are like seagulls. Once they start to fly, they get crap on _everybody_." She said the last word dangerously. This one was worthy enough to leave well alone. I nodded and made my way outside. Now I just needed to find out where Setsuna-momma was, and then I could compel her to-- "This is Sakura speaking. You want a Pizza delivered where?" It was some Pizza delivery girl with a small scooter talking into a cellphone. I tried to ignore her. "But I don't know where 'Meioh Setsuna's Secret Lab' is!" Moving blindly on instinct I rushed over and forcibly displaced the unfortunate girl, grabbing her phone. "Could you give me driving directions?" I asked in as good an approximation of her voice as I could muster. As I put down the phone, I felt a cold chill run down my spine. Looking behind me, I saw nothing. It mattered not. It was time for Setsuna-momma and I to have our reckoning. Several minutes later, and consumed with the fury of the righteous, I stormed into Setsuna-Momma's lab, only to be confronted with what could only be described as a horrifying sight. Setsuna-momma and Prince Endymion (a.k.a. Chiba Mamoru) were locked in what could only be characterized as a passionate embrace. "What in heaven's name is going on!?" I demanded. As I prepared to transform into Sailor Saturn and show them both the penalty for their erroneous ways, I could only think of Russell's statement that the world "will pass away, burned up in the fire of its hot passions: and from its ashes will spring a new and younger world, full of fresh hope, with the light of morning in its eyes..." At that moment, as a hail of bloodied pink flesh rained down from above, and the severed limbs and maimed face of my best friend Chibiusa thudded and splattered on the ground before me, I could only add two words to that sentiment-- "...or not." ACT II: MAMORUS' DAY "And how DARE you tell Rei-chan that you love her!?" Tsukino Usagi glared at her clone, a red battle aura swirling around her body. "You're MY fiance!" "I love you," the Mamoru-clone said flatly. "You seem to love *everyone* these days," Usagi fretted darkly, moving towards him menacingly. "Uhh, Usagi!" called out Artemis, who had been spying on the duo for several minutes. The small white cat hopped down from his positon on top of the front yard fence and landed at Usagi's feet. "Luna says she needs you at the shrine. Right now." "Nobody called me on the communicator," Usagi protested, going to check it. "No!" Artemis yelled. "She said it's too sensitive for the communicator." "Uhh, okay!" Usagi nodded firmly. "I'll deal with YOU later," she said, looking daggers at the clone before running off. "That was a close one, eh?" Artemis said. "Lucky for you I happened to be walking by, old buddy. Want to go have a drink?"* *They have been drinking buddies since SuperS and the introduction of Diana. "I love you," the clone said appreciatively. "I'll bet you do," Artemis said with a chuckle as the duo headed for the nearest pub. "It'll take hours for Usagi to figure out she's been had." A FEW MINUTES LATER "Watch where yer goin, ya retard!" A ticked off motorist shook his hand in anger as Mamoru-clone jogged careslessly across the street, seemingly oblivious to the people around him. "I love you!" the clone shot back along with a strategic finger. "Damn, Mamoru!" Artemis exclaimed, doing his best to catch up with the clone, "You don't usually act like that until *after* you've had a few!" The cat looked back for a moment, catching a glimpse of a familiar, black- clad figure walking down the street. "Crap," Artemis said to the clone. "I hope Hotaru didn't see us going in here, otherwise Usagi's gonna find out." But the clone wasn't listening, already drunk from one too many beers. THE SECRET LAB OF PROFESSOR TOMOE "There, now..." Professor Tomoe said slowly as he carefully lowered the bloody Golden Crystal into Pegasus' head. "Activate the crystal, my good equine." Pegasus suppressed a scowl. Once the crystal was fully charged he would incinerate Souichi Tomoe. But first he would let the man taste his power, just to throw him off guard. Concentrating, Pegasus unleashed the power of the crystal, flooding Tomoe with energy. "I see it," Professor Tomoe exclaimed, his mind suddenly expanded to the Nth degree. He could touch the thoughts of people all over the planet. "I SEE EVERYTHING!" "Good," Pegasus said, shielding his won mind. "Now let me out of the harness," he said darkly. "You are out, my good fellow," Tomoe said distantly. Pegasus frowned. "But then why can't I move the rest of my body?" He tried to flex his muscles. "What body?" Tomoe asked, still enraptured. "You're just experiencing what they call 'phantom body' syndrome." He absently held out a mirror. To his shock, Pegasus saw his severed head staring back at him in the mirror, wires hooking his arteries up to a blood pump. The area where his body should have been was filled with a giant vat labeled "Mystical Strength Krazy Glue". "WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!" Pegasus roared. "I did say I would give you a place at my side, didn't I?" the mad professor said, laughing insanely as his mind floated further into the human collective unconcious. "Well you are at my side, are you not?" "You will pay," Pegasus said, thrusting his conciousness through the golden crystal and into Souichi Tomoe's mind. "If you saw fit to destroy my body, then the least I can do is TAKE YOURS! And you're not a small kid, so I won't GO EASY ON YOU!" Souichi Tomoe felt his mind beginning to crack under the pressure of Pegasus' assault. His body would soon be compromised. Frantic now, and aided by his resedent Daimon, Tomoe scanned the collective unconcious for someone- ANYONE similar enough to him in temperament to house his conciousness. As Pegasus' power rushed into his body, Tomoe finally found someone. In fact, this person's mind was almost like his! Now if only he could make it out before-- Pegasus slammed the door shut, and with a triumphant yell pulled the golden crystal from his now dead ex-head, slamming it unceremonously into Tomoe's ex-forehead. Tomoe's body was now HIS! A SEEDY BAR IN AZABU-JUUBABN "I Luuuv you," the drunken Mamoru clone croned. "Yeah, she is a bit bossy," a drunken Artemis concurred. The crescent moon on his forehead, which let him talk to and understand humans, could translate any language* *except Canadian French. and thus it was translating Mamoru-clone's Daimon speak into coherent thought patterns. "I love Ikuko so much, and I wish that that bossy Usagi would just get out of the way," the clone mumbled drunkenly. "You got that backwards," Artemis said woozily, waving a paw. "Huh?" the clone asked. "You luv Usagi," Artemis corrected drunkenly. "Whoa, did you eat THAT?" He watched the clone eat some gross-looking food from atop the counter. Suddenly the clone doubled over, a sharp sticking pain in his stomach. "You okay?" Artemis asked, dizzily jupimg off his barstool and following the staggering clone outside. "Whoa," he exhaled. "that's some beer belly you got there all of a sudden, man." The clone suddenly made a mad dash, almost leaving Artemis behind. "Hey, wait up!" Artemis yelled, following the clone towards the sound of a ringing alarm bell. "Watch where you're going, you pathetic excuse for a Prince!" Jedite yelled as the Mamoru-clone barely avoided slamming into him. Firing a bolt of dark energy at the clone as it ran away, Jedite fumed. He was having a rough enough day as it was. THE SECRET LAB OF MEIOH SETSUNA "A HA HA AH", Dark Setsuna laughed pathetically, raising her arms in a bad caricature of Professor Tomoe. "You-- Will-- Fall--Before-- ME.." Mamoru, still tied up in a chair, sighed. "No, Setsuna. It's no good. I know you're still good at heart, even with that thing inside you." He idly began loosening his bonds. He'd had enough of this game. His Usako was waiting. Setsuna's face fell, her blood red demonic eyes filled with tears of frustration. "WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO?!" She wailed. Suddenly her whole body stiffened. Her demonic smile grew wide and strong, and her body seemed to grow in size. "Now then," she said in a voice virtually identical to Professor Tomoe's, "You were saying I was still good?" She grabbed a fork off a nearby table. Suddenly Chiba Mamoru knew fear. Dark Setsuna had to strain to be heard over the sounds of hideous agonizing torture coming from her victim. Idly cradling a phone on her shoulder as her arms automatically worked the megacranial drill, she yelled, "I'd Like to order a pizza! Address? Meioh Setsuna's Secret Lab! What do you mean you don't know where it is? Hello? HELLO? Yes, I'll give you driving directions!" ACROSS TOWN The obscured body of the Pegasus-possessed Professor Tomoe shrank back to avoid being spotted by Hotaru. Little did the girl know that soon his terrible revenge would be visited upon her. BACK AT THE HOUSE "Yeah yeah YEAH! You better run back to your teacher, Ooo-Boo! That RULED!" Haruka toasted the television as the updated brackets for the 32nd Tenkai Ichi Budokai came on screen. The overly cheerful announcer blasted "And it's down to the quarterfinals as we have first Yamucha vs. Ma Junior, then #18 vs. Vegita! And remember, the winner gets to fight Mr. Satan!" "WHOO-HOO!" Haruka yelled, waving a small "Mr. Satan" Pennant. For Ten'ou Haruka, life was pure joy, court-imposed sanctions or not. THE TSUKINO HOUSE, FRONT YARD "You have to forgive him," a barely sober Artemis said quickly, not understanding the source of Usagi's anger. "Just because he ate that weird food at the bar... He didn't know what he was doing and--" "How COULD YOU!?" Usagi screamed louder than she had ever in her whole life. "After all we've been through, I can't believe you went and got yourself..." Knees weak, she collapsed and began to wail. "Got himself drunk?" Artemis raised a paw, trying again. "Umm, he goes out with me once a--" Artemis paused as the clone threw up a sizeable chunk of vomit. "Don't try to fool me!" Usagi yelled, pointing at the clone. "A woman knows these things!" Artemis looked at her confused. "Eating the weird food! The sickness! The recent overemotionalism!" "--Love you," the clone spluttered in between hacking up chunks. "And most of all, that BELLY!" Usagi pointed at the massively swollen belly on Mamoru-clone. "HE WENT AND GOT HIMSELF PREGNANT!*" * Usagi has been sleeping a lot in Bio class+. + Stupidity exaggerated for comic effect. "PREGNANT!?!" Yelled Kenji Tsukino, who came barrelling out of the house at high warp speed. "What have you and that boy been DOING?!" Kenji glared at Usagi, who was surprisingly angry at Mamoru for someone carrying his child. "Why don't you ask HIM?!" Usagi yelled. "HE's the pregnant one!" "WHY YOU--" Kenji freaked out at Mamoru. Then he paused and scratched his head. "HOW STUPID ARE YOU?!" he freaked out at Usagi. THE SECRET LAB OF MEIOH SETSUNA "Now," Dark Setsuna cackled, evil energy coursing through her mind like fire, "once the lobotomy is complete, I--" She paused as the thoroughtly terrified Mamoru suddenly transformed into Tuxedo Mask for no apparent reason. "This is the break I need to get into his mind!" Setsuna exclaimed, pausing to cackle insanely for 72.5 seconds. "Everyone knows Tuxedo Mask is completely vulnerable to any form of manipulation! ENGAGE the Mind PROBE!" A whirring, clicking, gleaming instrument of torture lowered into Mamoru's skull. Within moments, Tuxedo Mask had become Prince Endymion. Then the unexpected happened. "Setsuna-chan!!" Endymion said in a joyful tone, breaking free from his bonds (and the torture probe), raising to his feet and gathering Setsuna in a strong embrace. "that was easier than I thought it would be," Dark Setsuna thought. But for some odd reason, in the back of her mind, she was not too thrilled to have this man hugging her. Suddenly the door to the lab burst open. "What in heaven's name is going on!?" Hotaru demanded as she took in the sight, a look of absolute rage in her eyes. On the verge of transforming into Sailor Saturn, she stopped when a hail of bloodied pink flesh rained down from above and behind her, splattering the severed limbs and maimed face of Chibiusa on the ground in front of her. ACT III: JEDITE'S DAY "Aww, come on, Michi! It'll be fun to watch the fights on television! It'll get your mind off losing all that money!" Haruka ducked as the Aqua Mirror whizzed by her head, embedding itself in a rear wall. "You know," Haruka said slowly as she looked over at the morose, hardly- moving Miohiru, who was sitting low in her chair nursing her violin, "it's not nice to treat your Talisman that way--" A fully-rosined bow whistled through the air, barely clipping Haruka's left arm. "Fine!" Haruka yelled, clutching her arm, and vastly exaggerating her pain, "so that's how you treat the marvelous defender of the family honor-- the woman who even went to JAIL for you!" She looked away, feigning disgust. "I'm going to go grab a beer and watch the Tenkai-ichi Budokai with Jedite. C'mon, Jedite." "Spare me your weak human bloodsport," Jedite said, standing by Michiru's chair. "What is the point of a competition where the inferior warriors are allowed to live?" He said the last word with disgust. "Hmph." Haruka made her way to the couch and idly flipped on the television, where the pre-bout festivities were getting underway. Haruka raised her beer and toasted the set sadly. A hint of black caught her peripheral vision, and she saw Hotaru making her way down the stairs. "Hey, Hotaru-chan!" Haruka called to her. "Isn't this great? This is the best matchup in years! Krillyn v Yamucha, MaJunior vs. Son Goten, Trunks vs. Number 18, Vegita vs. Ubuu, and the winner gets to face Mister Satan!" Hotaru looked over at the television screen, raised an eyebrosw and sighed. "As appealing as the undercard seems, you do realize that ultimately the entire tournament is a waste of time, don't you?" Haruka looked at her askance. "Regardless of who eventually advances to the final bout, Mister Satan will *always* win. It's been that way for over a decade now, ever since the Cell Game. No one will risk the public's wrath by demonstrating how utterly pathetic the 'savior' of humanity actually is." "Feh," Haruka snorted, holding up a small, oddly adorable plush Mr. Satan doll, which had a plush hand holding up a "V" for victory sign. "HOOOOOOOO!" it squealed in a tinny voice as Haruka squeezed it slightly. "This man is the Earth's greatest warrior. He's even better than me. Maybe you just can't handle that," Haruka teased. "Maybe you've got an anti-Satan bias because you know he could kick your ass up one side of the arena and down the other." Hotaru gave a small "hmph." "Fine, indulge yourself in this petty diversion. I'm off to--" "I'm telling you, Michiru, something wasn't right about that punk." Jedite's voice was almost at a yell as he tried to penetrate Michiru's self-centered funk. "Random gang members don't have the capacity to just teleport into thin air like that!" "He's too short for that! Blind him with a Taiyouken!" Haruka screamed, as she watched Yamucha futiley try to use a grappling move on Kryllin. Her agitation was so intense that she lost her grip on the beer she was holding, and it launched into the air on a ballistic trajectory. "We need to investigate--" Jedite began, halting as Haruka's beer smashed him straight in the face, the cold frothy liquid dribbling all over his uniform jacket. "--go check on something," Hotaru finally concluded slowly, leaving the house before Jedite could explode. "You'll pay for that, Sailor Ur-Anus," Jedite said darkly, advancing on an unsuspecting Haruka, who was engrossed in the Budokai. Dark energy began to surround him. "Come." Michiru had suddenly stood up, her hand firmly clamped on Jedite's shoulder. "It's time we taught those punks the meaning of pain." "Wha?" Jedite's dark energy vanished instantly, replaced by a morbid curiosity. Michiru was usually the effete reserved type, not the kind who would mutter dark sayings about teaching people the meaning of pain. "Let's go," Michiru said, her tone of voice hard and uncompromising. She sounded more like Haruka than anything else. "Are you... all right?" Jedite asked in a semi-panic as Michiru began dragging him out of the house, pausing only to brusquely pull her Aqua Mirror from the wall. "Haven't you heard?" Michiru growled in a low voice. "I'm not Miss Perfect anymore." OUTSIDE THE TOKYO ARTIST'S GUILD "Well!?" Michiru demanded, her impatience growing by the second. "I'm checking!" Jedite said, doing his best to not arouse her temper. Already on the way to the guild she had hit him several times and almost wrenched his arm off twice. He would have fought back, except that for some reason, she seemed far more powerful than usual. It was as if all the anger and violent tendencies she had so effectively controlled over the years were now boiling over. Jedite hoped he was nowhere in range when they finally exploded. "It's hard to tell," Jedite began, getting distracted by the sound of a nearby alarm bell, "But I think--" "Don't think!" Michiru snapped, her body now beginning to visibly tremble. "KNOW! After all I went through, everything I did, all the SACRIFICES I made-- to let some... some... wandering, teleporting little PUNK rob me like that-- There has to be payback." The last word came out of her throat like a primal growl. Michiru stalked over to Jedite, who was on one knee examining the ground, and placed a leaden hand on his shoulder, pressing down with extreme force. "Don't disappoint me." Wincing from the pain, Jedite frowned. "There is definitely the signature of a... Dark Kingdom teleport." "A youma?" Michiru asked darkly, aqua ki beginning to surround her. Behind her, some polce cars zoomed by. "No," Jedite said flatly. "I know this signature all too well-- it's Nephlite." "Nephlite," Michiru said, a sick grin spreading across her face. Suddenly she let out a laugh that would have made Kodachi Kuno cringe. "Vengeance shall be mine!" She roughly yanked Jedite to his feet. "I'm not some puerile lackey!" Jedite hissed, pulling himself away from Michiru. As he moved forward to confront her, he was almost knocked aside by a fast-moving Mamoru-clone, followed by a small white cat. Jedite's temper burst. "Watch where you're going, you pathetic excuse for a Prince!" Jedite yelled, smoothly pivoting and firing a massive bolt of dark energy at the clone as it ran away. But the clone was too fast, and the bolt whizzed by. "Damn, missed him!" Jedite fumed. He was having a rough enough day as it was. Turning away, he did not see the bolt impact a fleeing jewel thief, who screamed in mortal agony and exploded as his precious prize-- a huge diamond-- went sailing far up into the sky, curving downwards to fall some several blocks away. BACK AT THE HOUSE Haruka dimly noted the front door of the house opening as Michiru stormed in, followed by a somewhat ragged Jedite. "Haruka--" Michiru began angrily. "DAMN!" Haruka yelled at the television, hurling her third beer can at it. "How could Piccolo let that blasted _Vegita_ hit him out of the ring like that!? Where's the levitation, I ask you? Where's the LEVITATION!?" She was completely oblivious to Michiru. "Haruka--" Michiru continued. "Nephlite's the one who stole my money--" "RIDICULOUS!!" Haruka yelled with venom in her voice. "Exactly," Michiru said with vengeful relish. "That damn Vegita!" Haruka yelled, pointing at the screen. "Absolutely ridiculous!" "I want you to HELP ME GET REVENGE ON HIM!" Michiru yelled, going over to the sofa and shaking Haruka from behind. "Can't avenge. Watching tournament," Haruka mumbled, never taking her eyes off the TV set. "There must be a way to get to Nephlite," Michiru mused, running up the stairs and heading to Haruka's room, where Haruka's computer still displayed various spycam shots of Nephlite's house. "He seems to have lots of star charts," Michiru mused, looking over the survelliance footage of Nephlite's den. "Nephlite virtually plans his entire life around astrology," Jedite said, entering the room after a few moments. "He thinks 'the stars know everything'. Rumour has it he even plotted battle strategy that way back during the war. He even gave advice to an Earth leader named Nancy Rea--" "So he likes to watch the stars, eh?" Michiru mused, chuckling. "Then I know just what to do." "HARUKA!" Michiru yelled from the upstairs. "Where's Hotaru!?" "Isn't she with you?" Haruka yelled back distractedly, watching the pomp and circumstance as Mr. Satan made his way to the ring for his bout with Vegita. A marvel, Haruka thought, how even at his advanced age, Mr. Satan could still rule the ring. She waved her Mr. Satan commerative beer mug at the screen in giddy anticipation of his match. "Come on!" Michiru yelled, shaking her Aqua Mirror violently. "Show me where she IS!" Jedite slowly began to back out of the room. He wished the blasted Sakura petals of perfection would suddenly shower down and fix her, but they hadn't shown up ever since she'd taken that job as an Engrish writer. THE TSUKINO RESIDENCE "WHY YOU--" Kenji freaked out at Mamoru. Then he paused and scratched his head. "HOW STUPID ARE YOU?!" he freaked out at Usagi. How could his daughter possibly think a *man* could become pregnant! Ikuko had said she was doing poorly in science class, but this was-- Keji paused as he finally registered the excessively swollen state of "Mamoru's" belly. "I LOVE YOU!" the clone screamed, it's distended belly erupting in a cloud of flesh, blood, bone, and gristle as a demonic pink hellspawn issued forth. "Oh... Kami-sama..." Kenji muttered, collapsing backwards in shock. "SPORE!" The fanged, radioactively pink Chibiusa Daimon cackled, dancing on the rancid flesh of its dead parent. Usagi looked over at the lifeless body of the Mamoru clone. "Mamo-chan! NOOOOO! I'm sorry I got you pregnant! It had to be me, because this is our baby!" She looked over at Chibiusa-D. "But HOW DARE YOU KILL YOUR FATHER! Now I know why he was a ghost in that future! Because you sprang out of his belly and KILLED HIM!" "SPORE!" the daimon yelled, looking over at Kenji. It is a tactical display, which has locked on to Kenji. DNA MATCH CONFIRM - RELATED MALE. ACTION? 1- KILL 2- MAIM 3- GLOMP [OK!!] The Daimon launched itself at Kenji's head face-hugger style, wrapping its legs around his neck and latching its hands on his ears as it gave him a suffocating kiss. "CHIBIUSA!" Usagi screamed. "That's your GRANDFATHER! What are you DOING to him!?" She watched dimly as Kenji's face began to turn blue for lack of oxygen. Usagi saw her father slowly begin to crumple... "I can't believe this is happening," Usagi said sadly. "Chibi-usa chan... I really do love you, but I can't let you kill papa-- even if it is for love." "MOON ETERNAL POWER! MAKE-UP!" In a flash, Usagi had transformed into Eternal Sailor Moon. "How dare you try to suffocate your own grandfather in a sick glomp! Nice grandchildren should respect their elders, not make out with them! Is this what society's come down to?! Well I won't hear of it! In the name of the Moon, I will punish you!" Eternal Sailor Moon took one last look at her "daughter", hoping against hope Chibiusa would release her figure four liplock on Kenji. But it wasn't happening. "Silver Moon--" Moon began, sniffling as she swung her eternal tier into position, "CRYSTAL POWER KISS!" "SPOOOOOOOOOORE!" A titanic blast of energy leapt forth and smashed into Chibiusa-D, forcibly ripping her away from Kenji, and slamming her into the sky. Her flesh and bones began to bubble and boil, skin peeling from her body as she attained low orbit and began the slow firey descent back to Earth.... THE SECRET LAB OF MEIOH SETSUNA "Setsuna-chan!!" Endymion said in a joyful tone, breaking free from his bonds (and the torture probe), raising to his feet and gathering Setsuna in a strong embrace. "that was easier than I thought it would be," Dark Setsuna thought. But for some odd reason, in the back of her mind, she was not too thrilled to have that man hugging her. Suddenly the door to the lab burst open. "What in heaven's name is going on!?" Hotaru demanded as she took in the sight, a look of absolute rage in her eyes. On the verge of transforming into Sailor Saturn, she stopped when a hail of bloodied pink flesh rained down from above and behind her, splattering the severed limbs and maimed face of Chibiusa on the ground in front of her. As Hotaru gawked at the sight in bewildered shock, Endymion released his grip on Setsuna. "It is good to see you again, my sister!" Dark Setsuna staggered backwards. "What did you say?" "Don't you remember?" Endymion said, joy filling his mind. "Of course not! Your long solitude at the Gate must have caused you to forget! But thanks to your mental experiments, I remember it all now." Dark Setsuna frowned. "I remember that you would come visit me some nights when I was very lonely..." She paused, realizing how dim the memories actually were. "I always thought you came because you loved me." "Of course I love you," Endymion said smiling brightly, "we are the same, you and I!" "I am a child of Pluto," Setsuna began darkly. "You are a child of Earth. The two lines never crossed." "The Time Gate is property of the Lunar Royal family," Endymion explained. "No outsider could be trusted to guard it, even a denizen of Pluto, who have a special relationship to time. So it was decided that Princess Pluto would not take on the powers of a Sailor Soldier." "So I am your blood sister?" Setsuna asked in a seni-panic. "We are as one," Endymion replied. "I have no natural sister." Setsuna scratched her head in confusion. The door to the lab burst open again. "HOTARU!" Michiru yelled. "We need your power to get revenge on Nephlite!" "You see," Endymion explained. "Only females can hold the power of Sailor Senshi, and so it was decided that I would be cloned, the clones' 'Y' chromosomes switched to 'X', and--" "I don't want to hear anymore!" Setsuna yelled. Suddenly it all made sense. Why she had the same red eyes as Chibiusa. Why her face was so similar in shape to Endymion's. The feelings of closeness to the prince. "See?" Endymion said, holding up two transparencies, each with their various genetic codes. Overlaying them, he showed they were virtually identical. "NOOOO!" Setsuna yelled, her mind crashing. Suddenly, her persona vanished completely, subducted by the new force that had driven her to torture Mamoru. "Hotaru," came the voice of Professor Tomoe from outside of the lab. "I have something to tell you." Hotaru turned to look at her father. "I am--" he began. "*I* AM YOUR FATHER!" Setsuna yelled out, cutting him off. "And Endymion's Sister!" Setsuna's repressed persona appended. "Then she must be... my cousin," Hotaru calculated weakly, looking at the Chibiusa bits. None of this made any sense to her anymore. But she would make the best of it. "If you're my father," Hotaru said to Setsuna, "tell me where the money Setsuna embezzled is." "OK--" Dark Setsuna began, cut off when her own arms rose to her throat and began strangling her. "I AM PEGASUS!" the body of Professor Tomoe suddenly yelled. "And none of you punks are leaving this lab ALIVE!" He cackled insanely, the moment ruined by his subsequent neigh. Setsuna's body dropped to the floor and began rolling around, trying to strangle itself as everyone sweatdropped. BACK AT THE HOUSE "HOOOOOOOOOO!" Haruka yelled in unison with Mr. Satan as he celebrated his hard fought Budokai victory. Who would have thought Vegita could slip on a piece of tile and fly out of the ring like that? Knocking back the last of her current beer, she looked around and dimly wondered where everyone had gone. "Oh well," she muttered, tossing the old can aside and cracking open another. Wherever they were, it was probably pretty boring. FADE OUT PREVIEW OF NEXT EPISODE Well, this is it! Next week is the last episode of season one! What? Don't cry too much, because we'll have special surprises in store for you! Schizophrenia! Paranoia! Vendetta! Dissection! Repetance and more, all next week, on the Season Finale of Suburban Senshi! You better get ready!