SUBURBAN SENSHI EPISODE SIX: "Super Senshi Smackdown!" FADE IN DOCTOR XADIUM is sitting behind a huge mahogany desk. Xadium: Greetings, everyone. And so it is that we come at last to the final Episode of Suburban Senshi season one. I've taken this time to speak to you all today because I know, via my authorly powers, that when you've made it through this fic you are going to feel soiled. I mean, really, really dirty. Why do I say that? Because this episode isn't going to be what you might have expected. You see, the producers cut my already meager budget in half when they went out for a bag of potato chips and some Vanilla Coke. This was, of course, *after* we had filmed the over-the-top mega-ultra-battle sequence in Act... oh, I get ahead of myself. Anyway, some things had to give. And give they did. Hard. Unfortunately most of them related to the plot. So, you're going to come out of it feeling used, abused and relatively cheapened by the experience. But fear not. All I can say to you, my loyal viewers is, there is light at the end of the hallway and it's always brightest when the sun shines-- Has Minako been at my copy again?! Anyway, tough it out, I'll make it up to you sooner than you think. Believe it or not, this is all part of a diabolical master plan that makes Babylon 5 look like the deranged scribblings of an infant child. Possibly. At any rate, thank you for toughing it out this far, and remember what they say on Batman: The Best is Yet to Come. FADE OUT EPISODE PREVIEW Endymion is Setsuna's BROTHER?! Setsuna is Hotaru's FATHER?! Professor Tomoe is possessed by a HORSE?! And the true fate of the Inner Senshi REVEALED! What Naoko did NOT WANT YOU TO KNOW! This week, endings end and beginnings begin! Plotholes are filled and Season One of Suburban Senshi goes out-- not with a whimper, but a BANG!! END PREVIEW SETSUNA: As a being who knows painfully well what it's like to learn about things that should best be left unknown, I hereby warn you all: This fanfic contains SPOILERS for the entire series of Sailor Moon. Turn back now else abandon all hope, ye who enter here. By Dr. Xadium (drxadium@DEATHTOSPAMgate.net) Naoko Takeuchi is hereby thanked for her involuntary contribution to this fanfic. You know, at this point, I should start saying that about Akira Toriyama too. TEASER - RUSHING THINGS "So here all you punk biatches all are at last," Professor "Pegasus" Tomoe said with an air of undisguised contempt. "Now that I gots myself this primo piece of human meat for a body, I don't need to pretend to be the polite little altar boy of Elysion anymore! I'm the rough and ready dream mastah of disastah, and I'm gonna frag each and every one of you bastiches into next week! Prepare for all your dreams to become nightmares!" He crossed his arms authoritatively and laughed a manicial neighing laugh. Lightning began to pour down all around him, and for a moment the Senshi knew fear. "Is that my golden crystal?" Endymion asked curiously, absently pulling it from Tomoe's forehead. "Son of a bi--!" Pegasus yelled, his new body slumping forward limply as the crystal, his persona and his power left with it. "Yup," Endymion said, tossing it in his hand. "My family had this thing for years, until we left it in the keeping of some young kid who said he was a priest. That was---" He checked his watch, "--about a thousand years ago." "Father?" Hotaru asked with worry as she watched his inert form slide down against a wall. "Your father's right HERE!" Dark Setsuna screeched in a high-pitched yet gravelly voice, cackling. Her head rotated 360 degrees, and rabid green foam leaked from the corner of her mouth. "I have him now, and you'll never get him back! MUHAHAHAHA! REDRUM! REYKAK! DARMOK AND JALAD AT TANAGRA!" Hotaru instantly transformed, pointing the Silence Glaive at Dark Setsuna's throat. "Corrupted scion of Chronos! Release your demonic hold on my father's mind immediately!" "Up yours goth girl!" Dark Setsuna screamed, laughing and hissing. She cursed in a variety of dead languages. "You'll never find out where the money is! If my happiness has been destroyed, then so will everyone else's! MUHAHAHAHA--" "The power of Saturn compels you!" Saturn yelled, swinging her glaive around and smashing Setsuna over the head with the flat side of its blade. "Your overgrown tin opener means nothing to me!" Dark Setsuna cackled. "The power of Saturn COMPELS YOU!" Saturn repeated more loudly, using the heavy, ornate butt end of the Glaive to smash Dark Setsuna in the stomach. "Gha!" Dark Setsuna burbled, choking a bit, spitting up a small Daimon pod along with some pea soup. Her features immediately cleared, and she passed out. Professor Tomoe began to get up slowly, rubbing his head. The daimon pod rolled close to the smashed, pulverized remains of Chibiusa- D, eventually going into her vast, wide-open maw... "Poor Chibiusa-chan," Sailor Saturn said, de-transforming and looking at the bloody, fetid remains of Chibiusa-D. "Oh that?" Professor Tomoe laughed manically. "That's just the Daimon I made to power that clone of... that guy?" Tomoe looked over at Endymion confused. "Activate!" Endymion said to the Golden Crystal, shaking it vigourously. A small rattling noise could be heard coming from inside it. "That kid must have broken it," he muttered. "A Daimon?" Hotaru chuckled. "Well that's different, then." She turned her back on the rancid pink sugary corpse. "Goings always will we join?!" Michiru asked roughly, pulling Hotaru towards her. "Seriously is the kicking of assets to be accomplished!" Hotaru looked at Michiru askance, noting her trembling body and coruscated veins. "Michiru-momma, are you all right? Have you started drinking coffee again? You know caffiene doesn't really agree with--" "--Deadly beginnings happily sent to Nephlite will make me smile with the full of joyousness!" Michiru yelled, seemingly unable to keep her body from jumping up and down slightly. "Is she speaking _Engrish_?" Hotaru asked incredulously. It certainly wasn't the Queen's English. "I think overcoming her own perfection has finally gotten to her," Jedite explained as he struggled to keep Michiru from launching forward and throttling Hotaru. "She's building pressure fast. We need to get that money back from Nephlite before she explodes." "Speaking of which," Hotaru realized, "I can get Setsuna-momma's bank account numbers from father." "Why won't you work?!" Prince Endymion yelled, tossing the Golden Crystal against a wall. The anguished screams of Pegasus could be heard coming from within. "Here," Professor Tomoe said, handing her a slip of paper. "That should do it. From Switzerland to Sealand, it's all there." He laughed insanely. "What about your non-disclosure agreement?" Hotaru asked, a small grin playing across her features. "Bah. She tried to imprison me in her mind, she gets what she deserves! Contract... terminated!" Tomoe laughed for sixty point zero-seven five seconds. "I'm off to build this fascinating new device I saw in the collective unconciousness. I think they called it a 'TiVo'. Fame and fortune will soon be mine!" He cackled insanely. Before Hotaru could inform her father that it had already been invented, he had run off. "Busy him wide open!" Michiru yelled, shaking her fist at the sky. "Personally violating interior safety of the Nephlite is exclusively permitted!" "We'd better go," Hotaru said to Jedite. The two of them pulled a frothing Michiru out of the lab. "Piece of junk," Prince Endymion exclaimed, tossing the Golden Crystal aside. "Complement to the Silver Crystal indeed. Those ancient Earth scientists couldn't carve their way out of a paper bag." As Endymion reverted back to Chiba Mamoru and walked out of the now deserted lab, the golden crystal rolled a few feet and lodged itself in the bloody severed head of Chibiusa-D... ACT I: RETCON CITY A CONVENT SOMEWHERE IN TOKYO Chibiusa knelt in prayer. She was confused. First she had desired her own father, then a horse. Then her father again, albeit just his duplicate. She needed guidance from a higher power. "Please," she prayed, closing her eyes, "guide me." "There was a time you'd be on your knees prayin' to me, baybee," came a suave, eerily familiar older voice from somewhere behind her. "Elios?" Chibiusa asked, opening her eyes and turning around, only to be confronted with a hideous parody of herself-- a radioactive pink, drooling fanged copy-- with a golden crystal sticking out of her head. "Stay away from me!" Chibiusa said darkly, hand reaching for her transformation brooch. "That's right, suga baybee," the Pegasus-Possessed Daimon said smoothly, "do that transformation thang." As Chibiusa began her transformation, the Daimon jumped forward, and in the microsecond's time it was taking Chibiusa to transform, the creature reached in with one hand and pulled away her transformation brooch. Chibiusa fell to the ground, stunned. "Now I've got the Silver Crystal of the future thanks to you, kiddo." Pegasus laughed the horsey laugh of equine triumph. "You can't use it!" Chibiusa exclaimed, getting to her feet. "Only I can!" "Heh," Pegasus snorted, laughing, waving his little arms in front of his Daimon body. "But I've got ya babe-- literally. You're lookin' at No Limit Pegasus... body of a princess, soul of a devil. Both the Golden and Silver Crystals are in the house. Yeah! SPORE!" Pegasus paused. Where the heck did "SPORE!" come from? He dismissed the thought. "Now, the world is mine, baybee! So you gots yerself a choice. Hook up wit da main man, or get stepped on like a peon." "We'll see about that!" Chibiusa ran out of the convent towards home. "Hey, baybee..." Pegasus said smoothly, turning to a passing nun, "Wanna go for a ride on the Horse with the Force? You know you do!" WHAM! For all his power, Pegasus failed to see the nun's ruler coming down on his skull. "Wicked girl!" the nun exclaimed. "Really!" She stalked off in a huff. "They all want what the lord of illusion has to offer," Pegasus said weakly as he got up. "SPORE!" Pegasus shook his head. He knew he needed to change bodies soon, before this Daimon-thing got any stronger. But first he had vengeance to dispense... ohh yeah. Dark, delicious, syrupy sugar coated vengeance. Wings sprouting from her back, the Chibiusa-Daimon donned a black parody of Princess Small Lady Serenity's dress and flew off like a dark harpy towards a blood-soaked future. THE TEN'OU HOUSE "What's that idiot doing?" Haruka mumbled, yawning, driven to conciousness by a loud banging noise from the outside. Dressed only in her rumpled sleeping clothes, Haruka ambled to the window and slammed it shut, drawing the blinds down. Damn sun was too bright at one o' clock in the afternoon. Nearly tripping over the multitude of beer cans that littered the livingroom, Haruka moved slowly to the comfortable nest she had created on the sofa opposite the television. Ensconcing herself within the myriad soft pillows and blankets, Haruka belched and pressed the "ON" button on the TV remote. With only her head poking out of the cloth cocoon, Haruka re-entered her half-asleep trance as WWE Smackdown! came on. The sound of crackling plastic could be heard from within the mass of cloth as she pulled out some potato chips from a bag buried under the sheets and struggled to bring them up to her mouth. "Thif id thu lif," Haruka muttered to herself as she ate some chips and watched the triumphant return of The Rock to pro wrestling. No Michiru to tell her how uncultured she was, no Hotaru to accuse her of being a psycho murderess, and no Setsuna to confuse her with insane riddles. Just beer, chips, a sofa and the TV. The way life was meant to be. OUTSIDE THE HOUSE "Neffy, hun, is dat sucha good ideah?" Osaka Naru watched from her side of the property line as Nephlite worked studiously on embedding something in the front of Haruka's driveway. "Of course it is," Nephlite said darkly. "You know something has to be done to teach that Ten'ou manners. Dropping a ton of manure on our house was simply going too far!" Under his breath, Nephlite muttered, "I wish I'd thought of it first." "Yah but," Naru protested, looking over at the spring-loaded sharpened spikes Nephlite was burying in the asphalt, "tiah strips? Haruka doesn't haff a cah anymore, remembah? She blew it up in dat chase wit El Demonico." "Who says these are for her _car_?" Nephite asked darkly, picturing a groggy Haruka going out for the morning paper and placing her _feet_ in the path of the springloaded steel spikes. "An' wat about dat udda stuff?" Naru pressed. "Da Gas, Da Rocks and Dah giant--" "Quiet!" Nephlite commanded. "You want her to hear?!" He looked over to the window. "Somehow she seems to know everything I do. Why I bet she's spying on me this very minute." INSIDE Haruka nearly spat out her beer as Rey Mysterio Jr. made his surprise WWE Debut. Not that the incessant commercials with his face on them hadn't given the secret away weeks before. She was just easily agitated. Upstairs, Haruka's war computer screen pulsated a bloody red, the katakana on screen reading "DEFCON-1" THE TSUKINO RESIDENCE "All dead," Usagi said weakly, kneeling before the half-exploded body of the Mamo-clone. She sobbed as she thought of the thought of blasting her daughter into billions of smithereens. Usagi didn't know which was worse-- having done the deed or realizing that (an admittedly very small) part of her actually enjoyed watching Chibiusa explode into a billion flaming bits. She looked over at her still unconcious father, who was passed out on the ground. At least he was safe. "I'd give almost anything to see them alive again," Usagi said to no one in particular. "I'd even give up--" "Usagi-chan!" Chibiusa yelled, running into the front yard in a state of complete panic. "Whew!" Usagi said to herself. She'd almost vowed to give up sweets back there. One second more and Kami-sama would have had her dead to rights. "How come you're alive?!" Usagi asked happily. "And why are you dressed like a nun?" she appended confusedly. "Huh?" Chibiusa paused. "I don't remember getting killed." "It's a miracle!" Usagi exclaimed. "Too bad about Mamo-chan, though." Chibiusa looked over at the exploded clone. "Papa," she mumbled sadly. At that moment, the sky went from clear blue to pitch black. "Hmm. Looks likes someone's summoned the Eternal Dragon again," Usagi mused. Chibiusa started, broken out of her grief-filled reverie. "You don't understand! Pegasus stole my silver crystal! He's gone completely evil!!" Usagi shook her head. "No way! There's no way Pegasus is evil!" She pressed a finger to her forehead in deep thought. "A pervert, perhaps, but not evil." "LISTEN UP ALL YOU PUNK BIATCHES! DYIN' TIME'S COME AT LAST!" boomed the seemingly omnipresent voice of Pegasus. Usagi instantly got serious. "We'd better call the others before this gets any worse!" She looked at the screen. "And why is Pegasus talking like a hood all of a sudden, anyway?" THE SECRET LAB OF SETSUNA MEIOH Beepbeepbeep. Beepbeepbeep. Beepbeepbeep. Groggily, Setsuna began to regain conciousness, face-down in a puddle of green pea soup. Beepbeepbeep.Beepbeepbeep.Beepbeepbeep. "Wha...?" Setsuna unsteadily pushed herself up, barely registering the increasingly urgent beeping sound. Beepbeepbeep!!Beepbeepbeep!!Beepbeepbeep!!Beepbeepbeep!! Getting to her feet and still somewhat dizzy, Setsuna realized the sound was coming from her watch. Looking at it, she frowned. Her ultra-fancy digital chrononometer was giving off an urgent beep. She knew that she only used that alarm tone for extreme emergencies, but since she had lost the ability to see the currents of time, she had no idea what the alarm meant. "It means, my dear Setsuna-chan, that the end is here." Setsuna turned around to see the almost ethereal form of Neo-Queen Serenity standing behind her. ACT II: TYING UP LOOSE THREADS "What is the meaning of this!?" Setsuna demanded archly, feeling completely intimidated by the serene presence of Neo-Queen Serenity. "That's what I should be asking you!" Serenity snapped, suddenly sounding a lot more like the childish Usagi of the present. "Is there any particular reason you decided to quit your job at the Time Gate and decided to go after a man? MY man?!" Setsuna scowled and held out the note from the future. "Because of this note. YOU fired me!" Serenity scowled and snatched the note from Setsuna. Not bad for an ethereal projection from the future, Setsuna mused. "Look!" Serenity said sternly, thrusting the note back in Setsuna's face irately. "Umm," Setsuna began slowly, "it's upside down." Serenity scowled and flipped the paper around so it was right side up. "See here!" Serenity half-yelled. "It says '"Setsuna, because of your inability to wield the Garnet Orb, and your consequent inability to control the Time Gate, you are relieved of duty until futher notice'" That means *until I tell you otherwise*, not that you're fired *forever*! Your little master plan didn't slip by me!" Setsuna looked at the future form of Usagi uncomprehendingly. "OK, so it slipped past me. But Ami-chan caught it soon enough!" Serenity stretched forth her hand and produced a holographic projection. TIME GATE, 30th CENTURY (CRYSTAL TOKYO RELATIVE TIME) "Thanks, Puu! I'll be back later!" Small Lady Tsukino Usagi bounded off towards the upper world to be with her numerous friends and family, abandoning Sailor Pluto to her solitude. Once the girl was gone, Sailor Pluto looked around to make sure no one was watching. Pulling out a picture of King Endymion from hyperspace, Pluto looked at it longingly. "Soon, my love. Soon, we will be together, I'll be free from this accursed gate, and there won't be any annoying Chibiusa. It will be a perfect world!" Donning a ridiculously bulky protective suit, Pluto stepped through the time gate. It was a desperate gamble, but she was sure it would pay off. TIME GATE, A THOUSAND YEARS EARLIER Future Sailor Pluto emerged from the gate very quietly. As expected, it was late at night, and her past self was barely paying attention to her surroundings. Silently, she made sure her protective gear was airtight, and then began retuning the destination co-ordinates of the Time Gate. Then she left it open a crack, and stepped back to watch her plan unfold. Present Sailor Pluto stared ahead impassively, like a guard at Buckingham palace, her hands squarely resting on the Time Staff. The Garnet Orb at its tip glinted in the light, its blood red pulsations eerie in the eternal twilight. Presently, Present Pluto's eyebrows twitched as she felt *something* touch her. She supressed any further reaction, but felt the sensation growing, like a thousand small fingers tickling her legs. Looking down, she saw HUNDREDS of large cockroaches crawling on the floor and up her legs.* *If there is one thing the mighty Senshi of time cannot stand, it is cockroaches. Swinging her staff around deftly, Pluto of the present aimed the garnet orb at the sea of insects. "dead scream" she whispered, and a mighty arc of Plutonic energy lanced into the vermin, incinerating them. Pluto sighed, and dropped her defensive pose. But she quickly assumed it again when another wave of roaches appeared. "Where are they coming from?" Present Pluto asked herself as she fired volley after volley of energy at the creatures. Finally she noted that the Time Gate was slightly ajar-- and the co-ordinates on the other side specified the early Paleozoic Era. The creatures were coming from Earth's distant past. "Gah." Present Pluto went to close the door when she noticed something ELSE coming though. Apparently the cockroaches of that era could grow to be several feet long. She knew this because several of them were now looking her in the eye, hissing and flapping their wing sheaths. "dead scream. dead scream. dead scream deadscreamsdeadscreamDeadScreamDeadScreamDEADscreamDEADSCREAM!" (sound of massive icky explosions and glass shattering as the orb explodes) Future Pluto smirked and leapt forward, collapsing her timeline into that of her past self. Now she had ended her use to the line of Serenity, and she could build a proper life for herself, with the man she loved! The hologram vanished. "Damn you," Setsuna hissed to Serenity, her memories now unlocked from her subconcious. "I didn't think you had a camera at the gate." Serenity chuckled. "I have many powers." "A camera is not a power," Setsuna said flatly. "Shut up," Serenity said, pouting. "You belong to me, now and forever, and like it or not, I'm going to make sure your pathetic attempt to destroy the future of Crystal Tokyo will fail. I like ruling the world-- I can eat whatever I want whenever I want and no one dares call me fat! Not to mention that Mamo-chan will be mine, and you'll have to guard the gate down in the super secret sub basement for all eternity." "Hmph," Setsuna said. "Not likely, since I don't have the Garnet Orb anymore. And don't think that pathetic ruse of Endymion's-- claiming he's my brother via cloning-- is going to work." "It's not a ruse," Serenity said sincerely. "Bah," Setsuna scoffed. "He said 'only a member of the Lunar Family' could be trusted with the guardianship of the Gate. But he's a Human from Earth." "But he married into the family when he married me," Serenity protested. "The gate you were cloned to guard was built in the 30th century. Ami-chan did it. She worked out how to create your cloned body too." A look of genuine shock registered across Setsuna's face. "I come from-- the future?" "That's right," Serenity said smugly, crossing her arms. "They didn't even know about Pluto in the old Silver Millennium until you showed up and said you were 'Sailor Pluto'. Why do you think peopel keep arguing about whether or not it's really a planet? Because it isn't!" "So--" Setsuna began almost timidly. Neo Queen Serenity giggled. "--Yup. Blow up my timeline and yours goes with it too." She made a "pow!" spitting noise and waved her hands around to simulate a really, really big explosion. "Lies," Setsuna said weakly, not wanting to believe. "I only sent you ten thousand years into the past to keep you away from Mamo-chan when I realized the pervert gene that he obviously passed to Chibiusa was dominant in you too. Going after your own brother!" Setsuna scowled. "I'll stop you," she hissed. "There will be no Crystal Tokyo! No Chibiusa! No Time Gate!" "You haven't got the power," Serenity snapped, whipping out her Silver Crystal. "Check this out. It's a neat trick I learned last week." "Dead," Queen Serenity chuckled, waving her arm. Setsuna instantly collapsed in a pile of bubbling, hissing flesh. "Alive." Setsuna stood before her, jaw agape. "Dead," Serenity chortled as Setsuna exploded into chunks of meat. "Alive," Serenity intoned as Setsuna again stood before her, pissed now. "Dead," Serenity muttered as Setsuna imploded into a quantum singularity. "Alive," Serenity said tiredly, waving her hand dismissively. "Now look here--" Setsuna snapped. "Dead," Serenity said curtly, wrinkling her nose in disdain. SOMEWHERE IN TOKYO "RAHHH! AHHHHH! GRAHHHHHHH!" Chibiusa Daimon Pegasus stood in the middle of a conveniently deserted city street, her body hunched slightly, arms off to her sides, fists and teeth clenched. Lightning coruscated all around her, and the street underneath her began to crack, ripping itself apart, the chunks levitating upwards as she amassed a frightening level of battle power. "RAHHHHHHHHH!" She screamed as she began to levitate, power rushing into her body courtesy of both the Silver and Golden Crystals. Her radioactive pink hair began to alternate between hot pink and a glowing gold, and her blood red eyes began to turn bright green. "Such ki," Sailor Mercury noted, fear obviously heavy in her voice. "I've never seen anything this powerful before." "She's building up ki? I thought she was having bowel problems," Sailor Jupiter said in surprise. "Is that because she's got the Silver and Golden Crystals?" Sailor Venus asked, watching in fear as muscles began to bulge in Chibiusa-D's arms, legs and chest. "Well, if you had those stuck in the wrong place they would give you bowel--" Jupiter began, stopping when the true seriousness of the situation dawned on her. "She's getting larger! And more like... a man?" "RAUGHHHHHHHHHHH!" There was a primal scream as Chibiusa-D's body erupted in golden light. There was a persistent golden glow around her body, which was now the size of a teenager's. Her hair was pure gold, sticking up in the air in a somehat spiked formation. Her green eyes flashed darkly. The air whished around her in a steady hiss. "I'm not done yet, girls," the voice of Pegasus said from deep within the supercharged body of Chibiusa-D. "SPORE!" With another fierce yell, Chibiusa D stretched out her arms, drawing more and more energy into her body. Her already pumped muscles grew stronger and harder. Freakish blue lightning began to streak around her aura, and her hair became golden-white and even more spiky. "What the hell is she doing?" Sailor Venus asked in a semi panic, noting that the ground all over the city was beginning to shake and buckle as its energy was transferred to Chibiusa-D's aura. "I think," Sailor Mars noted dryly, "she's trying to reach Super-Saiyajin 3". Eternal Sailor Moon jumped forward, holding up her Eternal Tier. "Making bad parodies of other people's anime is reserved only for authors of doujinshi and really good fanfiction! You're mocking the work of Akira Toriyama and I won't permit it! In the name of Dragonball fans everywhere and for the honor of Son Gokou, I will PUNISH YOU!" "I THINK NOT!" Pegasus' voice roared, as Chibiusa-D's hair suddenly tripled in length, and a cranial ridge emerged on the top of her head, her eyebrows vanishing. With a smash, the body slammed down into the ground, sending forth a powerful tremor so strong that several nearby high rises simply toppled. "NOW I HAVE UNIFIED THE GOLDEN AND SILVER CRYSTALS! I WILL RAIN DEATH UPON THE WORLD! I AM SUPER PEGASUS III! SPORE!!!" Super Pegasus III shook his head. He really had to work on suppressing the Daimon half of himself. "CRYSTAL POWER KISS!" Usagi yelled, not even waiting for the inners to use their attacks. The titanic force of her attack boiled the air around it as the raw energy coarsed towards Super Pegasus III. With a deft sideways motion of his arm, Pegasus deflected the energy into high orbit, where it smashed the Hubble telescope into fine atoms and blew a sizeable chunk out of the moon. "IS THAT ALL YOU PUNKS HAVE?" Pegasus mocked, the electricity from his aura pounding the ground around him. In a flash, he had levitated up into the air. "TIME TO PUT THIS WORLD... ON ICE!" Screaming, Super Pegasus manipulated the Golden Crystal, the crystal of Earth, willing massive sheets of ice to come forth from the polar regions. "The Earth is freezing!" Ami exclaimed, her new Mercury computer frantically feeding her visor information. Luna and Artemis raced towards the inner senshi, walls of ice nipping at their heels. "VENUS LOVE AND BEAUTY SHOCK!" "MARS FLAME SNIPER!" "JUPITER OAK EVOLUTION! "MERCURY AQUA RHAPSODY!" The inner Senshi frantically used their attacks to keep the ice from enveloping them. THE TEN'OU HOUSE "Damn, it's cold in here!" Haruka exclaimed, snuggling deeper into her cocoon. Her instinct told her something was wrong, but she attributed it to that pesky Nephlite.* *Her mega hangover isn't helping her keen intuition either. There was also this stupid beeping in her ears. Funny, she pondered, most times she got plastered it was a ringing. Oh well. THE NEPHLITE HOUSEHOLD Nephlite stood immobile, frozen in a chunk of ice, his hands held out in complete shock, his jaw agape. ACROSS TOWN NEAR ICHINOHASHI PARK "Not again! Not again!" Jedite yelled, suddenly babbling like an incoherent madman as walls of ice approached him. "SILENT WALL!" Sailor Saturn yelled, using the limits of her power just to keep the ice from advancing on either her, Jedite, or Sailor Neptune any further. As she struggled to maintain the crackling black forcefield, Saturn watched with growing anger as Sailor Neptune launched wave after wave of "Submarine Reflection" attacks at the ice. Of course, since the attacks were water based, they just _added_ to the ice. "YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DOING!" Neptune yelled, her anger rising and rising, with no sign of abatement evident. "YOU HAVE NO CHANCE TO SURVIVE, MAKE YOUR TIME!" She launched progressively stronger attacks at the ice. "Will you please STOP HER?" Saturn yelled to Jedite. "The more ice she makes, the more unlikely it is that I can hold up this forcefield!" "The ice..." Jedite mumbled rabidly. "The ICE!" He dropped and curled up into a small ball, flashbacks of his last moments in Beryl's court flooding his mind. The struggle for survival was so intense no one heard the tinny beep of the Senshi communicator chimes. THE BATTLE SITE "The others aren't answering their communicators!" Sailor Venus yelled as she moved at almost insane speed, dodging the hail of blazing electric ki blasts Pegasus was hurling from the sky. "DAMN!" Eternal Sailor Moon yelled as a stray blast vaporized the wings on the back of her costume. "Haruka and the others sure are taking their time getting here!" "RAH!" Pegaus launched a blast at Eternal Sailor Moon. At the last possible second, with the sound of a ricocheting bullet, a rose flew from seemingly nowhere and into the path of the blast... ...and was vaporized by the roiling ki. As Eternal Sailor Moon tumbled off to one side, badly hit, Tuxedo Mask stepped into the fray. "Demonically Possessed little girls shouldn't try to freeze the Earth," Tuxedo Mask announced suavely. "It just isn't polite." "FOR THE RECORD," Pegasus boomed. "I'm a Pegasus possessing a Daimon, who looks like a girl but is actually a guy, and thanks to the power of both the Silver and Gold Crystals, a Super Saiya-jin 3 guy at that!" "You need psychiatric help, little girl," Tuxedo Mask continued. "Allow me to release your ka."* *Ancient method of psychological "help." Look it up! LEARNING IS FUN! Tuxedo Mask hurled a rose at Super Pegasus' head, where it drilled a tiny hole in the side of his cranium. "ENOUGH OF THIS HORSEPLAY!" Pegasus yelled, absently batting Tuxedo Mask aside with enough force to put him though several sub layers of the street. "THIS WORLD... IS MINE! THE REST OF YOU... DISSAPPEAR!!" Levitating up further, Pegasus began making a series of complicated hand movements. "10 TIMES... KA... ME... HA... ME..." "Oh no!" Sailor Mercury exclaimed. "He's concentrating all his power into one focussed blast! If he hits us with it, we'll be vaporized!" "Combine powers!" Usagi yelled. "EVERYONE!" She pulled out her Silver Crystal, transforming into Neo-Princess Serenity. Sailors Mercury, Venus, Mars, and Jupiter channeled their energies into hers. "SAILOR... PLANET..." they yelled in unison. "--HAA!" Pegasus yelled, unleashing a horrific lance of energy towards the Senshi. "--ATTACK!" the Senshi yelled as their energies combined and lashed forth, intercepting Pegasus' beam. "It's not enough!" Sailor Jupiter yelled, as all five senshi began to be pushed back by the force of the Pegasus 10X Kamehameha. "It's because we don't have Chibimoon or the outers while Pegasus has both the Silver AND Golden Crystals!" Sailor Mars realized. "I can't hold off the power!" Neo-Princess Serenity yelled. "He's going to win! There's nothing I can do! I'm not strong enough! Even if I sacrifice my life, I'm not going to be strong enough!" "There is a way," Sailor Mercury snapped tersely, hundreds of calculations going through her head, "If we give up our Super transformations permanently, the quantum wave burst will be greater than any single effort we could ever provide via simple energy transfer!"* *see the Manga where the destruction of the Sailor's transformation pens released a massive surge of power. "That's a pretty permanent step!" Sailor Venus exclaimed, doing her best to stay her ground under the crushing press of Pegasus' beam. "Well from where I stand being vaporized is pretty damn permanent too!" Sailor Jupiter yelled. "I say we do it!" THE SECRET LAB OF MEIOH SETSUNA "--Alive," Neo-Queen Serenity said dismissively, resurrecting Setsuna once more. "I won't let your plan succeed!" Setsuna yelled. "Crystal Tokyo will never come to pass!" The ethereal form of Neo-Queen Serenity grew solid. "Too late, Setsuna- chan. The car is die cast--" "I think you mean 'the die is cast'". "--Dead," Serenity snapped as Setsuna was devoured by a giant roach. BATTLE ZONE Golden light. Blue Light. Red Light. Green Light. Spheres of energy flew from the inner senshi, whose uniforms devolved to their pre-Super forms, and into Neo-Princess Serenity. "She's transforming!" Sailor Venus yelled. "How?!" Sailor Jupiter exclaimed. "Sailor Saturn once said this was the final form of Sailor Moon!" "She was right," Sailor Mars said breathlessly as Neo-Princess Serenity transformed in a blast of white light, becoming the winged form of Neo _Queen_ Serenity. "Enough!" Neo Queen Serenity said, pressing her right hand forward, pushing Pegasus' attack backwards and doubling it onto him. "The energy pressure--" Sailor Mercury began, almost in a panic, "--it's too much! Between Serenity and Pegasus, the power is causing a warp in the fabric of spacetime!" As Pegasus' energy doubled back onto itself, a blinding nuclear explosion rocked the Earth's upper atmosphere. When the light cleared, the senshi, Serenity, Tuxedo Mask, Chibiusa, Luna and Artemis were gone. THE SECRET LAB OF SETSUNA MEIOH "And now they've made it through the rift to the 30th Century," the projection of Neo Queen Serenity said almost absently, like she was checking things off of a list.* *The Author's list of dropped continuity points from Sailor Moon R! "They've found themselves in a post-atomic wasteland, which I will easily pacify with the power of peace and love. In a few years, Ami-chan will work out how to build a Time Gate back to the past, but by then they will be so happy in the future they will decide to stay." "Happy?" Setsuna snorted. "How could they be happy a thousand years in the future away from everything they know?" "They rule the world," Serenity answered like it was the most obvious thing in the world. "They have legions of adoring fans who love them... or else."* *there, all you "Dark Crystal Tokyo" freaks! Happy? :) "But what about their duty to defend _this_ world!?" Setsun asked incredulously. "That's what Haruka, Michiru and Hotaru are for." Serenity shrugged. "They never really wanted to work with us anyway, so now they get to be on their own. They can struggle in the primitive capitalist Earth Society of the past while we rule the monarchy of the Perfect 30th century Future. Serves them right for being such maleficent mother--" Serenity frowned as she noted a point on her list and snapped her fingers. "There. So much for that pesky ice thing that was covering the Earth. That should cross all the I's and dot the T's." "What about me?" Setsuna asked darkly. WHAM! Setsuna was down for the count, a victim of blunt force trauma as Neo Queen Serenity slammed her on the back of the head with the repaired Time Staff, shiny new Garnet Orb and all. As Neo Queen Serenity dragged Setsuna into the future, Setsuna dimly thought to herself, "Funny... I've never been hit on the head by my own Big Assed Key before... it really, really, hurts!" ACT III: BACK TO THE FRANCHISE "SUBMARINE REFLECTION!" Sailor Neptune yelled, hurling a titanic blast of supercharged water into the air. "Will someone kindly tell her the crisis has past?" Hotaru asked archly as a strong drizzle fell upon her. "The ice is gone!" Jedite exclaimed nervously. "Right? Right?!" "Yes," Hotaru nodded. "The ice is gone. Now what was Michiru-momma's genius plan?" "She told me you have some kind of special ability..." Jedite began slowly. THE NEPHLITE HOUSEHOLD Deep in his darkened den, Nephlite called forth a holographic projection of the night sky. He looked at the configuration of the stars. "The stars know everything," Nephlite began slowly. "Show me the next move in my war against Ten'ou..." he paused as the stars shimmered for a moment, moving into odd positions. "What?" he asked out loud, dumbfounded. "Go inside... no, outside? Down the sheet? Ahh... street? Then turn right? left? Right? left... ok. Go to a Spock... oh, a *spot* across town near Ichinohashi Park... and bring the five million dollars I stole? For a crate? Oh, _bait_. Only then will I have complete vengeance?" Nephlite shrugged. "If you say so." He began to think that maybe the stars were getting senile in their old age. ACROSS TOWN NEAR ICHINOHASHI PARK "Hahahahaah!" Jedite laughed as Hotaru gave the final set of instructions to Nephlite via her projection of the night sky. "He should be here shortly," Hotaru said slowly as she terminated the projection. "It was difficult moving the star projection into any kind of meaningful pattern for him. I can't believe he would be so gullible as to do anything they reccomend." "Believe it," Jedite said with relish. "That's a pretty handy trick you've got there." "Much better than a telescope," Hotaru nodded. "Hopefully this strategy will help Michiru-momma as well." She looked over at Michiru. "FOR GREAT JUSTICE!" Michiru bawled, struggling against the rops which bound her to one of the trees in the park. "TAKE OFF EVERY ZIG!" She trembled and frothed at the mouth, Aqua mirror clutched in her vise-like grip of insane rage. THE TEN'OU HOUSEHOLD "Too hot in here," a groggy Haruka mumbled, turning and twisting on the couch. Half-asleep, she began to daydream about her battles with Nephlite. Unconciously, she transformed into Sailor Uranus, imagining multiple sadistic uses for the Space Sword as applied to Nephlite's hide. ICHINOHASHI PARK Nephlite confidently walked into the part, a briefcase loaded with money in his left hand. His gait was confident, his gaze secure. The stars had told him he'd get his ultimate revenge of Ten'ou Haruka, and the stars were never wrong. "NOW!" Jedite yelled from somewhere in the trees. "GIVING TO ME MONEY THAT IS TO MY BELONGING NOW!" Michiru yelled insanely, running from somewhere in the park, transforming into Sailor Neptune. "Huh?" Nephlite asked simply, too stunned by trying to parse the insane grammar to actually move. Besides, Neptune was an effete weakling, with no real power-- The next moment, Neptune had tackled Nephlite, slamming him into the ground with incredible force. "OH my god," Hotaru said, covering her face to try and avoid the grisly scene. "You can't fit that mirror in---" Jedite began, pausing when he realized it had been. Nephlite screamed in unholy agony. "DEEP SUBMERGE! DEEP SUBMERGE! DEEP SUBMERGE! SUBMARINE REFLECTION! SUBMARINE REFLECTION! SUBMARINE REFLECTION! _*NEPTUNE TITAN TSUNAMI*_!!"* *For all fanfics must make up at least one new attack a season. It's a rule. Even if you never hear of it again. It's a rule.* With a nuclear blast of aquatic energy, Neptune blasted Nephlite into low orbit. "YES!" Michiru yelled as she detransformed, the aggressive energy finally purged from her system. She held up the briefcase with her hard earned five million US dollars to the sky in supreme triumph. Sakura petals wafted down, cleansing Michiru in a bath of Absolute Perfection once more. His body roaring through the atmosphere, Nephlite frantically tried to assemble a force shield strong enough to prevent him from incinerating. Focusing all his power, he began moving back down through the atmosphere. THE TEN'OU HOUSEHOLD In her sleep, Haruka shifted back and forth between herself and Sailor Uranus as her dreams about mauling Nephlite got more and more intense. OUTSIDE Hotaru, a now beatific Michiru and Jedite walked towards their house in a state of absolute victory. "Between the money I got from Setsuna-momma's bank accounts, and the five million US that Michiru-momma earned from the sale of her painting, we've finally managed to make our way back to our proper place in the world." Hotaru smiled as she said those words. It had been a long, hard struggle. At that moment, streaking from orbit, the red-hot form of Nephlite screamed towards the ground, slamming headfirst into the front driveway-- and right onto the springloaded steel spikes he had buried there some hours ago. "AUGGH!" Nephlite yelled, jumping to his feet, clutching his bleeding skull. Staggering back, he triggered a hidden catapult which launched several heavy rocks in his direction. Disoriented, Nephlite spun around, triggering his last trap-- a flamethrower aimed at a hidden propane gas tank. His last concious thought was that the stars were going to be right after all. As a giant Nephlite-shaped dummy dropped down from the rafters of Nephlite's house, playing a pre-recorded message of "I WIN! I WIN! I WIN!", Hotaru and the others watched their house, and everything in it, explode into a mushroom cloud composed of a billion pieces of flaming debris. THE END?!?! PREVIEW OF NEXT EPISODE WHAT?! What do you mean we said this was the last episode of Suburban Senshi!? We said it was the last episode of Season *ONE*! Reading between the lines is crucial! Did we blow up Haruka and Nephlite, or was it all a dream? Or is it something else entirely? What do we have planned for the all-insane season TWO of Suburban Senshi? Here's a hint! FADE IN Deep in the smoke-filled crater of the Tokyo Street, Chibiusa-D's hands twitched, sparks of raw ki energy crackling around her fists. The Silver crystal had vanished thanks to Neo Queen Serenity, but the Golden Crystal was still in her possession... and soon, so would the dreams of everyone on-- And then she was run over by the neighborhood Ice Cream Truck. I, DOCTOR XADIUM, HEREBY GIVE PERMISSION FOR THE SEASON OPENER OF SUBURBAN SENSHI SEASON TWO TO BE A COMPLETELY UNPREDICTABLE SITUATION COMEDY ANIME FANFIC! FADE OUT