SUBURBAN SENSHI EPISODE SIX ADDITION C: "SPAMLET, ACT I" By Dr. Xadium (drxadium@DEATHTOSPAMgate.net) Naoko Takeuchi is hereby thanked for her involuntary contribution to this... whatever this is right here. FADE IN HOTARU appears in front of a large set of curtains, a spotlight shining on her face. There is the brief squeal of microphone feedback as she pulls the a microphone off its stand and speaks into it. "Greetings. As those few remaining members of our loyal audience eagerly await the advent of Season Two of Suburban Senshi-- (pauses as a loud squeal goes off in her almost invisible earpiece, then frowns)--whose progress can be followed at our official website located at http://dr_xadium.tripod.com/subsenshi --(she pauses, whispering 'I feel thoroughly used!' into her lapel microphone)-- we, the cast of Suburban Senshi have decided to reward them by staging our own adaptation of Shakespeare's Hamlet. Haruka-poppa, who rewrote the classic play, assures me that even though she ingested nearly fifty cans of lager during its adaptation, the material is of highest quality. (Hotaru winces at more earpiece squeal) I wish to assure the audience that the writers are IN NO WAY buying time so as to complete Season Two at their own sloth like pace. (the microphone squeals again, more violently) So please enjoy part one of Ten'ou Haruka's adaptaion of Hamlet, entitled, 'Haruka, Princess of Denmark, abridged and modernized to suit the diminished intellegence and attention span of the Internet Generation'." HOTARU steps aside as the spotlight clicks off, and the curtain parts to reveal-- ACT I, SCENE I - Elsinore. Hangin' in fronta da castle. JEDITE Who's there? NARU: Me. JEDITE: You? NARU: Yup. Anyting whack goin' on? JEDITE: Nope. Glad you be relievin' me tho. NARU: Verily, it be too damn late. Get to thy bed, Jed. JEDITE: Cool. If you be seeing Hotaru and Chibigirl, tell them to hurry the hell up. NARU: Yo, they be heah. Whazzup, Hotarue, Chibiusah? Jed was terrified heah witout yas. CHIBIUSA: Don't tell me it showed up again? Hotaru says we be trippin' about dis whack zombie ghost dude. So I dragged her goth butt down here ta look it personal-style. HOTARU: Ludicrous. I am not 'goth'. Furthermore, there is no such thing as a 'whack zombie ghost dude'. It will not appear. NARU: Take a load off hun, an I'll tells ya the tale of dis most fearsome zombie. HOTARU: I shall sit. NARU: Dere was dis Zombie Ghost ting. It skared us twice. The end. CHIBIUSA: Verily, crap! I say, crap! Good Golden Gadzooks! It's here again! NARU: It looks like dat dead dude!* * It looks like Professor Tomoe with a cardboard halo taped to a wire which keeps it propped over his head at a bad angle. CHIBIUSA: You're a smartass, Hotaru; you talk to it! HOTARU: (flatly) I am so afraid. It harrows me with fear and wonder. CHIBIUSA: Hurry up, B[BLEEP]h! Give it the third degree! HOTARU: Who are you. why are you here. Why do you look like that. CHIBIUSA: Verily, those art profound questions. CHIBUSA: S[BLEEP]t man, you pissed it off! NARU: We gots a runnah! HOTARU: (not even excited) Wait. Come back. Oh damn. It's gone. CHIBIUSA: Well, braingirl, you read books. Why's this thing hanging around? HOTARU: Well, a while back,Haruka had a fight. She killed a man and took his land. This 'Zombie ghost thing' is probably connected to all that somehow. Without any evidence to back me up, I declare it a Bad Omen for the Kingdom. CHIBIUSA, NARU: Yo! HOTARU: Wait! Say your peace. HOTARU: Chibiusa, stop him! CHIBUSA: Want me to summon Pegasus to whoop his a**? HOTARU: Can you do nothing by yourself? NARU: It's here! CHIBIUSA: It's HERE! HOTARU: It's gone. HOTARU: Alas, it is the sun, and I fear a tan. ACT I, SCENE II - A really posh decked out room in the castle. [Enter KING NEPHLITE (semitranslucent with a halo over his head), QUEEN MICHIRU and HARUKA (semitranslucent and with halo over her head)] KING NEPHLITE: Haruka, even though you still mourn your death at my hands in the season finale, be not pissed. Just because I up and married Michiru for purposes of this play, be not pissed; For we can party and mourn all at the same time here in jolly old Denmark. So now, my good cousin Haruka, HARUKA [Aside]: Man, if this were the dub, I'd be even MORE pissed off right now. KING NEPHLITE: Why art thou still pissed? HARUKA: Uhh, I'm sure it has nothing to do with the fact you killed me or that you're married to my Michiru even though you too are technically dead as of the season finale. QUEEN MICHIRU: Really, Haruka-chan, you've got to let some things go. KING NEPHLITE: Haruka, I admire your capacity to hold a grudge well into the afterlife. But it's given you one hell of an attitude problem, no pun intended. You should be happy. I'm King, therefore I make the rules. Chill. QUEEN MICHIRU: Yes, stay here and 'chill' for while. HARUKA: K. [Exeunt all but HARUKA] HARUKA: Damn, I want to kick his a** so BAD! And that Michiru! OOH! But Neffy's the king, so I gotta wait. ARRGH! [Enter HOTARU, CHIBIUSA, and NARU] HOTARU: Greetings, your deadness. HARUKA: Good you see you, Hotaru; or are you here to harass me for killing you that one time? HOTARU: I shall spare you this time. You've got other problems, it seems. (points to halo) HARUKA: Cool. So why are you here in Denmark? HOTARU: Plot convenience. Oh, by the way, last night the 'whacked out zombified' ghost of my father was wandering around outside the castle. HARUKA: That sounds COOL! I gotta check this s[BLEEP]t out for myself! Are you guys on guard tonight? CHIBIUSA, NARU: Yup. Just come on by. We let unauthorized personnel in all the time. HARUKA: Bad a**! I'll be there around midnight! [Exeunt all but HARUKA] HARUKA: This is gonna rock! [Exit] ACT I, SCENE III - A room in Jedite's house. (now he's playing the Lord Chamberlain) [Enter UMINO and JEDITE] JEDITE: Going on a trip? UMINO: Yup. JEDITE: I have vast amounts of sage advice for you. UMINO: ? JEDITE: ..................Trust no one. UMINO: K. (leaves.) ACT I, SCENE IV - The platform. [Enter HARUKA, HOTARU, and CHIBIUSA] HARUKA: Damn, it's cold. HOTARU: Yes. What's all that noise? HARUKA: King Neffy toolin' around in his low rider thumpin' the bass like a moron at 12 A.M. HOTARU: He does this often? HARUKA: Yup. HOTARU Here's the Ghost. [Enter Ghost] HARUKA: You better talk before I ram my fist up your ethereal a**. HOTARU: (aside) look who's talking. [Ghost beckons HARUKA] HOTARU: Oh dear. CHIBIUSA: It's a trick; get an axe. HARUKA: It's not talking? Then I'm gonna kick its-- HOTARU: Is that wise, Haruka-poppa? HARUKA: If it moves, I can kill it. HARUKA: I think he's giving me the finger! You guys scram, I'm gonna take him OUT! [Exeunt Ghost and HARUKA] HOTARU: She's insane. CHIBIUSA: Yeah. Let's follow her. [Exeunt] ACT I, SCENE V Another part of the (apparently big-a**) platform. [Enter GHOST and HARUKA] HARUKA: Talk or DIE, PUNK! Tomoe Ghost I'm already dead, idiot. (laughs insanely) HARUKA: Oh yeah. Heh. Well, talk anyway. Ghost: I know the terrible truth about Nephlite. HARUKA: What, what? Ghost: He KILLED you. HARUKA: I know that already, dumba**; I was kind of THERE. Ghost: Then my work here-- is done. Oh, and remember to kick Nephlite's a** for me. [Exit Ghost in a puff of smoke] HARUKA: Yeah. I'm gonna come at you EXTRA HARD, punk-- cuz Mr. Ghost told me to. [Enter HOTARU and CHIBIUSA] CHIBIUSA: Whassup, G? HARUKA: That ghost subplot was totally pointless. I think from now on I'll act like a lunatic to keep Neffy off guard until I can waste him. HOTARU: Oh. Ok. HARUKA: Don't tell anyone of my plot to kick Nephlite's a**. Ok? Swear by my sword. (pulls out the space sword) Ghost [Beneath stage] Swear! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! HARUKA: What an annoying jerk. Let's move over here. Now swear by my sword, guys. Ghost [Beneath] Swear! MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! HARUKA: Dammit! Ghost [Beneath] Swear! AHAHAHAHAA--- HARUKA: I just did, dammit! There, I did it again! Ghost [Beneath] On the SWORD! HAHAHAHAHAHAAH! [They swear on the sword] [Exeunt] END OF ACT I TO BE CONTINUED... FEAR NOT! For Season Two of Suburban Senshi is on its way in a few weeks! As a special present for waiting, we present the SECOND stage Suburban Senshi website, where all the episodes that have been posted so far can be found, as well as profiles on some of your favorite characters! The URL is http://dr_xadium.tripod.com/subsenshi !! Visit now! Visit often!