SUBURBAN SENSHI EPISODE SIX ADDITION D: "SPAMLET, ACTS II and III" By Dr. Xadium (drxadium@DEATHTOSPAMgate.net) Naoko Takeuchi is hereby thanked for her involuntary contribution to this... whatever this is right here. Even if you want to skip the filler, skip down for the OFFICIAL Season Two Teaser Trailer. FADE IN A semi translucent, haloed HARUKA appears in front of a large set of curtains, a spotlight shining on her face. There is the brief squeal of microphone feedback as she pulls the a microphone off its stand and speaks into it. "Welcome back to my production of 'Haruka, Princess of Denmark, abridged and modernized to suit the diminished intelligence and attention span of the Internet Generation.'" "Now some of you have said that this particular tale as I have adapted it makes no sense." "Of course it does. AFTER you've had 50 cans of lager." "Hey, gimme a break-- I'm dead. Anyway, Hotaru says the best way to approach this side story is not not think about it. At all. It's kind of like those new Snapple commercials with the funky bottles. We're just killing time until Season Two is ready to go... Anyway, here's the rest of it. First one to write a negative review gets a nasty visit from me and mister fist. Got that Roger Ebert?! Enjoy!" HARUKA steps aside as the spotlight clicks off, and the curtain parts to reveal-- ACT II, SCENE I - A room in JEDITE'S house. [Enter JEDITE and ELIOS] JEDITE: Here's some bread; green; dinero; moolah. Spy on Haruka for me, Ok? Find out if he's really nuts or not. ELIOS: Dat be cool, G. Word. [Exeunt] ACT II, SCENE II A generic room in the castle. [Enter KING NEPHLITE, QUEEN MICHIRU, USAGI, MINAKO, and Attendants] KING NEPHLITE: Welcome, dear Usagi and Minako! Sorry for pulling thee out of thy beds before noon this Saturday morn; But Verily, Loose hath become the screws in Haruka's head. Thou art some of her closest hangers-on. Couldst thee 'hang out' with her and tell me what be wrong with her brain? QUEEN MICHIRU: Do this for us, good friends; and forsooth, a big fat bribe willst thou gettest from the royal treasury. USAGI: Wow. I'm surprised you didn't just yell at us and boss us around like you usually do. MINAKO: Really. Fat bribe, huh? Anything you say, boss. KING NEPHLITE: Thanks, yo. QUEEN MICHIRU: Ditto. Now get moving. You're on the clock! MINAKO: We only hope we can be of some help to our good friend Haruka! [Exeunt USAGI, MINAKO, and some Attendants] [Enter JEDITE] LORD JEDITE: I think I know why Haruka's so whack, yo. KING NEPHLITE: O, speak on that; This I gots to know. LORD JEDITE: One moment, yo; I gots to use the royal facilties. [Exit JEDITE] KING NEPHLITE: Didst thou hearest that, Michi-chan? He says he knows why Haruka's gone whack. QUEEN MICHIRU: I'm sure it has nothing to do with you marrying me and killing her. KING NEPHLITE: Well, we shall soon see. [Re-enter JEDITE] LORD JEDITE: Since I know you wants da news right off, I'll cut right to the chase; after I ramble on for several minutes in prime Elizabethan style. Blah blah blah blah, verily, blah blah blah, forsooth, tis blah blah blah blah blah she's nuts, the end. QUEEN MICHIRU: Canst thou simplify that for me? I be dumb. LORD JEDITE: She's whack. Praise me, yo! KING NEPHLITE: Thou dost rock. But I needst more proof. LORD JEDITE: Sometimes out on the street, she be walkin'. Verily, as in the days of the old Dark Kingdom, perhaps I come up all in her area. Then if she be trippin, we know for damn sure. KING NEPHLITE: A most excellent plan. QUEEN MICHIRU: Here she comes now! And she's *reading* something. LORD JEDITE: Scram, royal dudes, I'll scope her out. [Exeunt KING NEPHLITE, QUEEN MICHIRU, and Attendants] [Enter HARUKA, reading] LOED JEDITE: Yo, Haruka... Whazzzzzzzup? HARUKA: Arrgh. LORD JEDITE: Remember me? HARUKA: That ex-Dark General? LORD JEDITE: Nope. HARUKA: Heh. If only you were that honest. LORD JEDITE: That's cold, yo. [Aside] She thought I was some kind of Dark General. She's definitely whack. But I'll check some more. HARUKA: Oh, this book! LORD JEDITE: Huh? HARUKA: What? LORD JEDITE: What's with the book? HARUKA: Nothing; merely learning how to turn three matchsticks, a can of beer and some styrofoam cups into a thermonuclear device courtesy of the Jolly Roger. LORD JEDITE: [Aside] She's nuts, but she's got some kind of plan. Auight, yo, I be goin. HARUKA: Oh great, here come some more playa hatas. [Enter USAGI and MINAKO] LORD JEDITE: (insincerely) What a coincidence, seeing you two here like this. You be wantin' lady HARUKA; there she be. USAGI: [To JEDITE] Wow, thanks for pointing out the obvious! [Exit JEDITE] MINAKO: Tres Bishounen! USAGI: Ooh La La! HARUKA: Hello little kittens! How are you, Minako and Usagi? USAGI: Bored. MINAKO: Mindlessly content. HARUKA: So what's up? Why are you two in this hellhole of a kingdom? MINAKO: Hellhole? HARUKA: Denmark sucks. USAGI: If so, then so does the world! HARUKA: No, I think it sucks. USAGI: We don't. HARUKA: I do. USAGI: That's because you're nuts. HARUKA: O God, I could be bounded in a nut shell and count myself a king of infinite space, were it not that I have bad dreams. MINAKO: Yup, you're bonkers. HARUKA: I'm gonna head for the food court now. USAGI | | Pray, let us be your groupies for the evening. MINAKO | HARUKA: No way; Just hang with me. Groupies suck. So why are you two here, anyway? USAGI: To visit you, that's all. No ulterior motives at all. Uh-uh. HARUKA: How generous of you! But are you SUUUUURE that's the only reason? MINAKO: What do you want to hear? HARUKA: Your acting sucks. I know you're secretly Nephlite's b[BLEEP]es. USAGI: Uhh, why would we be that, Haruka? HARUKA: You better tell me. You punks owe me. Why are you here? USAGI: [Aside to MINAKO] What do you think? HARUKA: [Aside] Let's see whose side you punks are really on. MINAKO: We're busted. We be slaves of The Man. HARUKA: Well I'll tell you what you need to know so you don't have to waste your time following me around. It's true; I've begun to lose my mind. I think it's because I inhaled too much exhaust fumes during my years at the race track. USAGI: That's rough about that insanity thing. There's gonna be a play at the theatre today, wanna go see it? HARUKA: Who are the actors? USAGI: See for yourself, here they come now. [Flourish of trumpets within] MINAKO: Ooh, actors! I'm soo giddy! HARUKA: How are you Gentlemen? All your base are belong to us! Oh, by the way, I'm a better actor than these guys. MINAKO: How so? HARUKA: I'm as crazy as I wanna be. [Enter JEDITE] LORD JEDITE: Whassup, homies? HARUKA: Hey Minako, doesn't Jedite look like an old fart in that costume? USAGI: Old men look like wrinkled up old babies to me. HARUKA: I bet he's here to state the obvious again. LORD JEDITE: I gots some hot insider information, man. The actors are comin' to town! HARUKA: They're right behind you, dumba**. LORD JEDITE: Oh yeah. Damn. [Enter four or five Players] HARUKA: Hail good actors! But your skills are as nothing, for thanks to the Ikuhara Sakura-petal powered perfection field, I can out act all of you punks! Watch now, as I soliliquize! [ Astonishingly perfect soliloquy snipped ] LORD JEDITE: Damn, she's good. First Player: I can do better, biatch! [ Astonishingly long and boring soliloquy snipped ] LORD JEDITE: I just wanna die. Alright punks, let's go see King Nephlite. His highness demands a private autograph session. [Exit JEDITE with all the Players but the First] HARUKA: Hey, buddy. If I slip you some green, can you change the play around for me a little? First Player: Why the hell not? HARUKA: Cool. [Exit First Player] Later, Minako, Usagi. USAGI: Later! [Exeunt USAGI and MINAKO] Now I am alone; and I shallst say to myself a whole lotta stuff. Gonna use the play to get back at da Nephlite psycho logic ly. [Exit] ACT III SCENE I Another generic room in the castle. [Enter KING NEPHLITE, QUEEN MICHIRU, JEDITE, SETSUNA, USAGI, and MINAKO] KING NEPHLITE: Verily, mine spies. Spilleth the beans. Whyfor is Haruka acting so whack? USAGI: She blames it on fumes. MINAKO: I think she knows more than she's saying. QUEEN MICHIRU: Was she polite to you? USAGI: A perfect bishounen. MINAKO: But she was just putting on a friendly face. The Goddess of Love can tell. USAGI: But we got her interested in seeing a wandering theatre group. LORD JEDITE: Yup, and Haruka wants me to get you royal dudes to see it too. KING NEPHLITE: Cool. Verily, anything doth beat ER. Now go forth and harass Haruka some more. USAGI: OK, boss. [Exeunt USAGI and MINAKO] KING NEPHLITE: Verily, Michiru, thou must scram; for I hath called in Haruka and set up a 'suprise' meeting with Setsuna. Jedite and I will be spying from behind the curtains to catch Haruka if she slippeth up. QUEEN MICHIRU: Pray, it be like Candid Camera! Good Luck, Setsuna! [Exit QUEEN MICHIRU] LORD JEDITE: Setsuna, stand here. Act busy. Read this book or something. Oh, She's coming; Let's beat it, Lord Nephlite. [Exeunt KING NEPHLITE and JEDITE] [Enter HARUKA] HARUKA: [to self, overacting] Hmm! Do I kill myself today, or not?!! What was the question? SETSUNA: Haruka-chan, how are you doing? HARUKA: Great! Just contemplating suicide, is all! SETSUNA: Well, I had some of your things which I borrowed left by the time gate. I thought I'd bring them back to you now. HARUKA: I never lent you anything. SETSUNA: Yes you did. HARUKA: Liar. SETSUNA: What? HARUKA: Are you pretty? SETSUNA: Huh? HARUKA: If you're pretty you can't be a liar. SETSUNA: [Aside] What a load of-- [Aloud] Well then you know that I can't possibly be-- HARUKA: --be telling the truth, for you're a ten thousand year old hag. Cologne from Ranma 1/2 looks better than you. SETSUNA: That proves it. You are insane. HARUKA: Feh. Insane is as Insane does. Later, gator. [Exit] [Re-enter KING NEPHLITE and JEDITE] KING NEPHLITE: Hmm. She doth not look batty. Further, I doth not like that look in her eye. I thinkest I shall deport her to England for a while. let her cool her jets as far from me as possible. What dost thou thinkest, Jedite? LORD JEDITE: I still think it's the fumes, yo. But do what you be wantin' to, your kinglyship. Alls I ask is you let Queen Michiru have a chat with her, while we be listenin'. If you still be worried about whether that whack a** ex-Senshi be plottin' against your highness, then you can send her off. KING NEPHLITE: Coo. [Exeunt] ACT III, SCENE II A hall in the castle. [Enter HARUKA and Players] HARUKA: You punks better say exactly what I told you to say, and make it sound good, or I'll lay the smackdown on ya. First Player: Yes boss. HARUKA: Do a good job. First Player: Yes boss. HARUKA: Ok, and don't let the clowns go crazy. Get ready, it's almost showtime. [Exeunt Players] [Enter JEDITE, USAGI, and MINAKO] HARUKA: Yo! So is the King gonna be here for the show? LORD JEDITE: And the queen too. HARUKA: Go tell those actors to hurry the hell up. [Exit JEDITE] Will you two go rush the actors? USAGI | | Sure! And we'll get some autographs, too! MINAKO | [Exeunt USAGI and MINAKO] HARUKA: YO! HOTARU! [Enter HOTARU] HOTARU: At your service. HARUKA: Hotaru, shou fart even as must a van As never my conversion cop ed with all. HOTARU: O, my dear lord,-- you could not have butchered that line worse. HARUKA: Anyway, just to be sure I'm not nuts, keep an eye on King Neffy over there. If he doesn't act guilty, then I'm gonna do two things; first I'm gonna feel real bad about picking on him, then I'm gonna go kick some ghostly a**. HOTARU: If Nephlite tries to run, I'll cut him down with the Glaive. HARUKA: No, that's OK. The play's starting, grab a seat. [Danish march. A flourish. Enter KING NEPHLITE, QUEEN MICHIRU, JEDITE, SETSUNA, USAGI, MINAKO, and others] KING NEPHLITE: How fares our cousin HARUKA? HARUKA: Fine, as long as this isn't dub country. KING NEPHLITE: Damn 'straight'. Heheheheh. HARUKA: [To JEDITE] You used to be an actor in the Dark Kingdom, yeah? LORD JEDITE: Hell, I was the only one there. HARUKA: What kind of roles did you do? LORD JEDITE: Caesar, but then Queen Brutus froze me. HARUKA: That sucks. Are the actors ready? USAGI: Yup, they're waiting on your signal. QUEEN MICHIRU: Come hither, my dear Haruka, sit by me. HARUKA: No. I think I like the green haired ladies now. LORD JEDITE [To KING NEPHLITE] Did you hear that? HARUKA: Is this seat taken? [Lying down at SETSUNA's feet] SETSUNA: Uhh... No. SETSUNA: You realize you are quite mad. HARUKA: Moi? SETSUNA: Yes. HARUKA: What else should I be, considering how happy Michiru looks, marrying Nephlite two hours after I died by his hand. SETSUNA: You've been dead over two weeks. HARUKA: My memory must be shot. [The dumb-show enters] [Enter a bishounen King and a Queen very lovingly; the Queen embracing him, and he her. She kneels, and makes show of protestation unto him. He takes her up, and declines his head upon her neck: lays him down upon a bank of flowers: she, seeing him asleep, leaves him. Then comes in a fellow who takes off the King's crown, kisses it, and plants a bomb in the King's jacket rather ineptly, blowing thems all up. The Queen returns; finds the King dead, and makes passionate action. The dead Bomber, with some two or three Mutes, comes in again, seeming to lament with her. The dead body of the King is carried away. The Dead Bomber wooes the Queen with cash money; she seems loath and unwilling awhile, but in the end accepts his love and his money] [Exeunt] SETSUNA: What's this? HARUKA: Just a bad sight gag. SETSUNA: I guess this boils the plot down for those too stupid to understand the spoken word. [Enter Prologue] HARUKA: Now we'll see if those actors are any good. Prologue: Ok people, listen up. Or die. [Exit] HARUKA: Nice, and to the point. I like it. [Enter two Players, King and Queen] Player King: I love you lots, dear. Player Queen: Ditto. Player King: Ack. I'm gonna kick the bucket. Player Queen: If I remarry I'm a worthless tramp! If I remarry I'm as bad as the guy who... theoretically, would blow up my husband! HARUKA [Aside] Damn Skippy. Player Queen: Every time I kiss my... theoretical new husband it'd be like twisting the knife in my... theoretically dead one. Player King: You're just saying that. As soon as I die, you know he be *realistically* movin' on in. Player Queen: I'd die first... theoretically. HARUKA: If only. Player King: Body... growing weak... must... sleep. [Sleeps] Player Queen: Yes, sleep, my dear. My poor sweet dear. Oh Woe is me! [Exit] HARUKA: So, Michi, how you like it so far? QUEEN MICHIRU: The lady protests too much, methinks. HARUKA: Heh. KING NEPHLITE: Such vile words from the King! Doesn't it offend you, Haruka? To see a Queen dissed like that? HARUKA: Ahh, they're just messin' around. KING NEPHLITE: What's the name of this play? HARUKA: "The blatantly obvious ploy to induce guilt in the guilty party." [Enter NEFIANUS] HARUKA: Ooh, it's Nefianus, neighbor to the king. SETSUNA: You do such good play-by-play commentary. HARUKA: [Aside] Now punks, we'll see if you are guilty. NEFIANUS: Powder black, hands apt, propane fit, and time agreeing; Dyin' times here. [Arms a bomb and holds it hear the King] HARUKA: This punk lived next to the king and hated him, so one day he got a bomb and proposed to blow him up. SETSUNA: King Nephlite's sweatdropping. HARUKA: Fascinating. QUEEN MICHIRU: You okay, Neffy? LORD JEDITE: Stop this play immediately! KING NEPHLITE: Turn up the lights, now! All Lights, lights, lights! [Exeunt all but HARUKA and HOTARU] HARUKA: And now, the little B[BLEEP]d has shown his true colors. HOTARU: So we've basically taken one and a half acts to get back to where we were. Were you drunk when you wrote this, Haruka-poppa? HARUKA: Fifty cans of lager make an excellent script; But fifty-one cans put the poor script in her... grave. HOTARU: So very close. HARUKA: Anyway, *ahem*, Did you see the look on Neffy's face? HOTARU: Yes. He knows that you know what he knows you knew. HARUKA: So... HOTARU: This act was pointless as well, yes. HARUKA: Arrgh! They said anyone with a thousand monkeys would have no trouble-- Ah, ha! The plot moveth! [Re-enter USAGI and MINAKO] MINAKO: We need to talk. HARUKA: No s[BLEEP]t. You get a gander at the King? MINAKO: The king? HARUKA: Yup. MINAKO: He's pissed. HARUKA: You mean "drunk" as the Brits would when they use that word? MINAKO: No, but he's got a stomach flu I think. And it angers him. HARUKA: Well tell someone who cares. In my frame of mind I'd punch him out soon as look at him. MINAKO: Chill! HARUKA: K. MINAKO: Queen Michiru is feeling kind of bad and sent for you. HARUKA: Excellent. USAGI: She wants to speak with you in her closet. HARUKA: ... O... kay... anything else? USAGI: You said I was cute once. HARUKA: Yes. USAGI: K. HARUKA: Minako, play this here flute. MINAKO: No. HARUKA: Your failure to do so clearly demonstrates your treachery. [Enter JEDITE] HARUKA: Yo! LORD JEDITE: Queen Michiru wants to see you. Now. HARUKA: Does that cloud over there look like a camel? LORD JEDITE: Why are you wasting the audience's time with this drivel? HARUKA: You're supposed to keep agreeing with me every time I change my mind about what it looks like to demonstrate your character's inherent fickleness. Methinks it is like a weasel. LORD JEDITE: (sigh) It is like a weasel. HARUKA: No, it's a whale. LORD JEDITE: (growls) Very like a whale. HARUKA: Okay, now I can go see Michi. See you! LORD JEDITE: (shaking his head) Nope, I'll be seeing *you*. [Exeunt all] ACT III, SCENE III Yet ANOTHER room in the castle. [Enter KING NEPHLITE, USAGI, and MINAKO] KING NEPHLITE: Verily, that hath torn it. I'm shipping Haruka off to England with you two. MINAKO: We live to serve. USAGI: We serve to live. KING NEPHLITE: Get moving. USAGI | | K. MINAKO| [Exeunt USAGI and MINAKO] [Enter JEDITE] LORD JEDITE: Ack, she's actually going to Michiru's closet. Don't worry my King, I'll eavesdrop on her and report everything back like the scurrying toerag I am. KING NEPHLITE: Just like the old days in the D.K... [Exit JEDITE] KING NEPHLITE: Just because I killed my neighbor and married her lover. Am I so wrong? (weeps overdramatically and kneels) [Enter HARUKA] HARUKA: Cool. His a** is praying. Perfect timing. He'll never see it coming. HARUKA: SPACE SWORD BLASTER! HARUKA: The END, Everybody! YEAH! WHOO-HOO! Hotaru ran in from offstage. "Haruka-poppa, what's going on!?" Haruka looked at her uncomprehendingly. "He was my enemy, I caught him with his guard down and so I did what any sane tactician would do... I killed his undead a**." Hello? The whole vengeance thing? 'You killed me and married my lover?' Or did you not catch that, Hotaru-chan?" Hotaru scowled. "Haruka-poppa, the point of this part of the play was to emphasize the moral center of Hamlet, who cannot bring himself to kill a man at prayer." "Hmph," Haruka muttered. "Yeah, sure. Then why does the punk spend the whole rest of the play boring the audience to death whining about how he shoulda offed the King when he had the chance? Come on, you can't tell me things wouldn't have worked out better this way. He's alive, Polonius, err, Jedite is alive, Michi's alive, Usagi and Minako are alive, I mean hell, EVERYBODY lives now, because Ten'ou Haruka, in typically expected form, dispensed, quick, sure, deadly justice." She looked at the audience. "AM I NOT RIGHT, PEOPLE?! When you read this play the first time, not this one-- I mean the original, by that Shakespeare guy-- didn't you just say to yourself, 'WHAT A [BLEEP]ing DUMB[BLEEP] THAT HAMLET WAS!' Come on! You _know_ you did." Some members of the audience murmured tacit approval. "If it means anything to ya," Jedite said, walking over and trying to pat Haruka on the back, his hand passing though her translucent body, "I agree with you." "See!" Haruka said to Hotaru. "The Evil Dark General agrees with me!" Hotaru simply rolled her eyes. "Fine. Well then, to somewhat redeem this laughable excuse of a segment, can we at least roll the teaser trailer for Season Two of Suburban Senshi?" "Fine, fine," Haruka groused. "Roll it." BLACK SCREEN NARRATOR: "When all hope is lost..." NARRATOR: "A new hope appears on the horizon..." <"And now," Michiru calls out from atop a small hill of debris, "Michael Flatley and the dancers of... Riverdance"! (sounds of rythmic celtic dancing)> NARRATOR: "Bringing with it new inspiration..." <"I'm a DARK GENERAL!!!" Nephlite roars. "KILLING is what I DO!"> NARRATOR: "New ways of life..." <"Feh," Jedite says, indicating his bright white uniform. "You think that's bad? I look like one of those duelists from Utena-- like an albino *doorman*, not a mighty General of Beryl's dark army."> NARRATOR: "New Questions..." <"Odd," Hotaru says. "Why are you sitting on a bench in a darkened cell playing the harmonica?"> <"Are you kicking me out?!" Michiru asks staunchly.> NARRATOR: "Surprising Revelations..." <"Whoever this was was already long dead," says Sailor Neptune darkly.> NARRATOR: "...and shocking new enemies." <"I AM THE SUPAH ELITE!" screams a boy. "SUPAH HAX0R MAN!"> <"The inner senshi had to fight things like this all the time," Jedite snaps. "Don't take them lightly." He charges up dark energy DBZ Style.> NARRATOR: "SUBURBAN SENSHI 2.0... COMING NEXT WEEK TO A NEWSGROUP NEAR YOU" <"I'm actually impressed," Hotaru says.> BLACK SCREEN "Hmph," Haruka muttered as the audience applauded.* *What, you think I, the author, would have them boo?! "What's wrong?" Hotaru asked. "I notice a distinct lack of _me_ in that trailer," Haruka said slowly. "Heh," Hotaru replied. "Some secrets have to be held close to the vest." "This really stinks," Haruka muttered, walking off into the sunset. FADE OUT YES! YOU HEARD IT RIGHT! Coming NEXT week, the ALL-NEW season of Suburban Senshi, otherwise known as "The Great Apologia!" So keep your hats on, because with this season, you'll pay for the whole seat, but only need THE EDGE! Tune in for the Super Fantastic Season Premiere, "Surviving the Game", next week on Suburban Senshi! You better get ready! Don't forget to wisit the OFFICIAL HOMEPAGE of Suburban Senshi at http://dr_xadium.tripod.com/subsenshi !! Visit now! Visit often!