SUBURBAN SENSHI: BUDOKAI EPISODE FIFTEEN: "LUCK OF THE DRAW" EPISODE PREVIEW It's finally time for everyone to draw their lots for positions in the Tenka-ichi Budokai! I wonder who gets to fight whom? But strange things are happening in and out of the arena! It looks like Haruka's in for a nasty surprise! And who's this stalking Jedite! And why does Setsuna have to go to the-- well, we can't spoil it anymore! Find out NOW, on this brand-new episode of Suburban Senshi!! SETSUNA: Spoilers for the true identity of Pegasus are contained within. If you do not wish to be spoiled, read no further unless you wish a personal 'encounter' with my Time Key. By Dr. Xadium (drxadium@DEATHTOSPAMgate.net) Naoko Takeuchi is hereby thanked for her involuntary contribution to this fanfic. Read the Official Suburban Senshi episodes at http://dr-xadium.genvid.com/subsenshi Visit the NEW constantly updated Suburban Senshi Weblog at http://dr-xadium.genvid.com Suburban Senshi's Kaioh Michiru is co-winner of the 2002 Senshi'ichi Budokai! See the official site at http://users.erols.com/tdouglas/sib/index.html TEASER FADE IN LAST TIME ON SUBURBAN SENSHI: BUDOKAI "I intend to speak to some of the other martial artists on this island," Hotaru said slowly. "Perhaps one of them would be able to help me formulate a new attack that doesn't rely on the Glaive." -- "I'd like you ALL to meet my new DAIMON--" Tomoe said, pointing to the massively overmuscled, perpetually grinning man in a purple hooded bodysuit. "--SKELETOR!" The daimon yelled arrogantly. -- "I couldn't help but NOTICE your fondness for FOOD," Tomoe said. I have HERE," he whipped out an impossibly large cache of foodtuffs, "One TENTH of the total FOOD I am willing to offer you in exchange for a little HELP in finding the DRAGONBALLS." "DEAL!" Goku said, shaking Tomoe's hand. -- ' dead scream ' "Sailor... Pluto?" Haruka asked in shock. Tournament Not So Easy Indeed! "How'd she pull off a 'Dead Scream' without her Big Ass Key?" Jedite asked in shock. -- "Wasn't that Garth Radiator?" Jedite asked in almost a panic. "Who could do THAT to Dark Lord of the Spit?" "Small... Lady?" Pluto asked in shock as a very determined looking Chibiusa hopped off her ring and stalked past the group, seemingly unaware of their presence. "Not even transformed!?" Jedite asked, starting to get light headed. "What the HELL is going on?!" AND NOW, THE CONTINUATION ACT I: SETTING THE STAGE TB -1 OUTSIDE THE BUDOKAI ELIMINATION AREA "I'm very sorry, sir," protested a portly monk dressed in saffron robes and a blue fez. "You cannot enter this building. It is reserved for the fighters who are participating in the Budokai finals." The monk spread his arms out and stood in front of the entrance to the elimination area, locking gazes with his surly visitor. "For your information," said the brown-haired man, his tone a haughty one, "I happen to be the manager of one of the fighters!" "Which one?" the monk asked suspiciously. "Can't you tell by looking at my uniform?!" the man asked irately, waving his white gloved hands over his blue-grey military outfit. "I manage the great and powerful General Jedite!" The Monk snorted derisively. "You look more like some poorly dressed cosplayer to me. We get tons of 'managers' like you every tournament, trying to suck up to the fighters. Please move along, sir." The brown-haired man spat, tightening his fists. "You think me a mere autograph seeker!? How DARE you question my power!" The man's eyes narrowed darkly. "Heh," the monk said, a smile creeping across his face. Ripping off his top, the portly monk revealed a tightly muscled chest, and powerful arms.He began to speak in badly dubbed mode. "Foolish. Man. You dare! To challenge. A warrior monk. To Battle!" The brown-haired man sweatdropped. "Uhh... I just thought you guys were dressed-up tour guides...!" "Think. Again!" The Monk leapt forward.* *Due to images of extreme violence and carnage, and the unholy sounds of rending flesh too graphic to be depicted here, we describe for the reader this placid, soothing scene. Ignore the blood and gore, and contemplate blades of grass (freakish scream of dark pain) peaceful, waving grass (squishy sounds of gore) happy, soft, grass (bones breaking) A few moments later, the Monk clapped his hands in respect, bowed, and donned his robes once more, leaving the hapless "manager" in a mangled heap. BUDOKAI ELIMINATION AREA The massive hall with its eight rings was now silent. The forty-odd fighters whose sounds of battle had filled the room for much of the morning were now mostly gone, with only eight remaining. Those eight were gathered at the end of the room, next to a small leaderboard upon which tournament brackets were inscribed. "ARRGH!" Jedite jerked backwards, one hand clutching his chest, and another frantically reaching forwards. "Put that back, you blasted Daimon!" "SKELETOR!" The blue-skinned muscleman grinned his permanent death-grin and held out a solid black heart crystal mockingly. As Jedite gasped frantically, and lurched forwards for the heart, Haruka examined it carefully. It was a deep charcoal black that seemed to suck the light into its depths. "Hmm," Haruka said clinically, as Jedite managed to snatch the crystal back, "I guess we don't have to worry about you being targeted for having a pure heart." "Gah," Jedite snapped, stretching forth a gloved hand. "But I DO have a pure heart..." He began to pull energy from Daimon Skeletor, smiling darkly. "Pure... EVIL." "SKELETOR!" the Daimon protested. "I must remind all of you," said an old monk, jumping in between Jedite and Skeletor, "that fighting outside of the tournament is strictly prohibited and will result in a disqualifcation." Jedite and Skeletor backed off and stared at each other warily. At the other end of the room, the other fighters watched the scuffle with amusement. Well, most of them. "Small lady," Sailor Pluto said, placing a hand on the small pink-haired girl's shoulder. "How is it that you are at this tournament?" Chibiusa did not give any indication that she heard Setsuna at all. Instead, she stepped away from Pluto, staring daggers at Prince Elios Dios. For his part, Dios had finally noticed the irate child. Smoothly, he walked up to her, not bothering to use his Absolute Perfection field. He needed no such thing for she was like putty in his hooved hands. "Ahh," he began, "here what have we / tis my lovely Suga Baybee..." Chibiusa's eyes narrowed darkly, but she said nothing. Elios smirked. "Come here and give us a hug / you know you want to be my little love bug." Chibiusa obligingly walked into Elios' embrace as Sailor Pluto watched in disbelief, thoroughly scandalized. Elios and Chibiusa locked gazes. "That's right..." Elios began to say in his eerily pedophilic dub voice. He stopped, however, as he began to feel Chibiusa's short little arms tightening around him. "Wha--?" he asked in shock, as he felt his ribs start to compress. Chibiusa smiled wickedly, a dark glint in her eyes. Her grip contiuned to tighten. "Stop... it... baybee..." Elios said, now beginning to panic slightly. Chibiusa mouthed something by way of reply, but it was too faint for Elios to hear. "Haruka," Sailor Pluto said, pointing out the macabre embrace. "Thriller!" Mutanex screeched. "The way you make me FEEL!" He began to perform gyrating moves that would put Elvis to shame. "A HEE HEEH!" "ARRGH!" Elios yelled as he felt a bone crack. "Since when... did you get so... strong?!" Abruptly, Chibiusa released her deadly bear hug, rocking back and forth on her heels and whistling innocently as the head monk walked by. Elios staggered back and scrambled to put some distance between himself and the little girl. Tienshinhan concentrated on the small girl intently. Something about her struck him as odd, but he couldn't place exactly what it was. "Strange," he said absently. "Tell me about it! Whoo!" Mutanex said in a high pitched voice, wheeling around on one foot and snapping his fingers. "One minute they've got a good thing goin', then its SPEED DEMON! Leave me ALONE! Yeah!" Tienshinhan shuddered as he regarded the freaky Michael Jackson-faced alien. Were it not for the decades of intense mental training he had undergone, the three-eyed warrior would have paid an involuntary visit to the latrine. thankfully, the alien soon donned a small surgical mask which covered his freakish face. The moment was broken as the official in charge of the tournament stepped up to a podium in front of the weathered leaderboard. "Congratulations," he said in an scratchy, aged voice. "Out of over 900 potential candidates, the eight of you have managed to qualify for positions in the Tenka-ichi Budokai, the oldest and most respected--" "Spare us the sales pitch, old man!" Jedite yelled, shaking his fist in the air. "We know what this place is and why we're here! Get on with it!" "SKELETOR!" the daimon yelled in assent. "Hmph," the old monk said in disgust. "Young people. No respect these days. At any rate, as you can see on the board behind me, there are eight brackets in the first round of the tournament. Each bracket is numbered one through eight. You will each select a ball from this box--" He pointed to a small rectangular box with a circular hole cut in the top. "The number on the ball will determine your position on the board."* *I really did randomly pick numbers for everyone, so the match lineups might surprise you. Also, I randomly picked the winners. So don't think a "sure" character has any guaranteed chance of winning. Boy, did it make it hard to write this series, since I had to weave the plot around the random outcomes... hopefully it will be all worth it! OUTSIDE THE BUDOKAI COMPOUND Hotaru, Bulma and Chao Tsu sat around an umbrella-covered table sipping soda. Behind them, the mulling crowds had begun to disperse, filing into the arena's stadium seating. Video screens all over the island were showing aerial shots of the tournament, ads for Mr. Satan themed merchandise, and various highlights from past tournaments. The screens suddenly went bright white, the images being replaced by a static display of empty tournament ladders. "The televisions are starting to broadcast empty tournament brackets," Hotaru noted. "They must be drawing lots by now," Bulma said with a wistful sigh. "Soon the real fun's going to begin." "It's too bad I didn't make the cut this time," Chao Tsu said, taking a long sip from his soda, "Now I can't help Tien-san pick his slot." The boy's eyes widened and he placed his hand over his mouth in shock. He hadn't meant to say that out loud. "Chao Tsu!" Bulma said in shock. "Is that what you've been doing all these years? Using your telekinesis to give Tien a better position in the tournament?" Chao Tsu sweatdropped. "I only did it a few times..." Bulma shrugged. "Things certainly are quiet now that Son-kun and Souichi- san are gone, aren't they?" Hotaru chuckled slightly. "Heh. The problem, Bulma-san, is what happens when Papa returns." Bulma smiled. "Just call me 'Bulma'." Hotaru nodded. "Bulma, why does Papa want the Dragonballs so much? What are they, really?" Bulma drank a healthy gulp of her soda and leaned back in her chair, as if preparing to tell a favorite old story. "Well, there are seven Dragonballs. Individually, they can't do much, but when they are all brought together, they have a great power..." She sighed, momentarily overcome by nostalgia. "Power?" Hotaru asked quizzically. "Whoever has all seven balls can summon the Eternal Dragon, Shenlon... and recieve any two wishes they desire." Bulma leaned forward in her chair. "Papa with two wishes? This... could be bad." Hotaru muttered. Images of a blasted, ruined planet covered by ancient demons of vast and incalculable power flooded her mind. Silence covered everything, shattered only by the maniac laughter of her mad father. Bulma looked at her askance for a moment before continuing. "Anyway, we'd better get inside the arena... if they're assigning brackets now, it won't be long before the first match begins." BUDOKAI ELIMINATION AREA The tournament administrator pointed to the small box next to the leaderboard. "The first one to pick will be... Prince Elios Dios." Haruka watched the dark-complexioned, white haired boy in a regal outfit march stately up to the box, thrusting his hand into the hole. "Hmph," she muttered. "That perverted priest-boy. If he's a Prince, I'm a fairy queen." "No comment," Jedite said dryly. Pulling out his arm, Dios noted the number on the small ball. Showing it to the head monk, he then showed it to Haruka, a sneer on his face. "2", Haruka noted dimly. "I think Horse-boy is gunning for you, Ten'ou," Jedite said, crossing his arms. "OOH!" Mutanex screeched, pointing up into the air and staring up at the ceiling. "What a Smooth Criminal! He wanna be startin' sumthin! Yow!" He did a little disco move, just for the heck of it. "Hmph," Haruka said confidently, as the head monk called her name. "Looks like I'm up. Let's see if Mr. Ed gets his wish." Pushing her hand into the box and feeling around for a moment, Haruka grabbed a ball and pulled it out. "Aww, MAN!" she said with annoyance, showing the ball to the monk. "I got eight. I don't get to go till the end of the quarterfinals!" She sighed. "Heh. But at least I'll have plentty of time to score a private interview with Mr. Satan!" Her eyes formed half-circles of ecstatic joy at the thought. "I should think you'd be more concerned about finding a way to transform between now and then, otherwise you'll be nothing but a smear on the pavement by the end of that match." Jedite said darkly. Haruka scowled, saying nothing. THE BUDOKAI ARENA, SEATING AREA "Amazing," Hotaru said breathlessly, as she looked up at the height of the massive stadium seating area which surrounded the ancient square fighting area and thatch-roofed competitor's area. "So many seats! It reminds me of the Roman Coliseum... But it's so full already... it looks like we'll be stuck at the very top row, assuming we can sit at all..." "Nah-ah!" Bulma said with glee, pointing to a huge, well positioned skybox with the Capsule Corporation logo emblazoned on the side. "This year we got wise and decided to co-sponsor the Budokai. Now, not only do we get a cut of the profits and more advertising exposure, but we get choice seats!" "Not a bad arrangement," Hotaru said with a chuckle. She paused for a moment, choosing her next words carefully. "Bulma... you are friends with some of the most respected fighters in the world. I have an interest in learning some energy based martial arts techniques. Do you think any of them could help me?" Bulma frowned in concentration for a moment. "Hmm... that stuff's pretty advanced, Hotaru-chan. I don't know if you could do it." Hotaru suppressed a smirk. "Oh... well, you see--" "--I do know," Bulma interrupted, "someone you *could* talk to, but you have to be... careful around him." "Careful?" Hotaru asked curiously. "He can be a bit..." Bulma said, trying to phrase it delicately, "...ecchi."* *All you Dragonball fans KNOW where I'm going to go with this NOW... eeeheehee... Hotaru sweatdropped. "Look!" Bulma said, pointing at a huge jumbotron at one end of the arena. "They're starting to fill in the brackets! Isn't that your friend, Ten'ou Haruka, in the last slot?" "Yes," Hotaru confirmed, dimly noting that Elios had taken the first slot. She also noted that thanks to the position of the seating bloc, she would have a clear enough view of the dark prince. "Hmm..." Bulma mused as the display changed again, "It looks like Ten'ou- san's opponent has just been decided." BUDOKAI ELIMINATION AREA "SKELETOR!" The freaky grinning Daimon held up a ball marked "7". Haruka snorted in disbelief. "Oh, give me a Break! My first opponent has to be *that* overpowered toy store reject?" She scowled and stalked out of the room. "I'm going for a breath of fresh air..." "Please be sure to be back in time for your match, Ten'ou-san!" the Monk called out as she left. OUTSIDE "Of all the [BLEEP]ing luck," Haruka muttered under her breath, walking down one of the many tree-lined rows that surrounded the Budokai arena. "Now I've got to work even harder at learning how to transform without my pen. I can't let that blue freak get the jump on me--" In a flash, before Haruka could react, a shadowy figure in black leapt out of the shadows, its hands latching around her throat. glint of circular gold flashing in the light sick crack of bone thump Haruka's lifeless body hit the ground, and, pulled by dark hands, slowly slid into the dark bushes surrounding the walking paths. EYECATCH - Super-Deformed Michiru is playing her violin in front of a bored crowd. Super Deformed Jedite fires a thin ki blast which cuts the strings on the violin. COMMERCIAL: Are regular pets too much TROUBLE? Tired of having to FEED them? Sick of having to clean up DROPPINGS? Frustrated at the creature's need for constant ATTENTION? Well fret no more! Announcing the advent of the newest geneticially engineered pet from JAPAN ODDITY EXPORT CORPORATION! Announcing... SPONGE! YES, SPONGE! Small and rectangular, it sits politely wherever you set it, and never causes you trouble! In fact, unlike traditional pets, SPONGE will even CLEAN UP messes for you! Since SPONGE has no brain, it will never crave attention, and since it has no feet, it can never get in your way! And if you ever feel the need to feed it, SPONGE will be happy with plain tap water, no matter how hard or nasty!* *Warning, SPONGE can spontaneously increase in size after drinking water. This may cause inconvenience in small apartments. Get SPONGE NOW! Special attraction for fans of Sailor Moon! The first thousand callers will recieve SPONGE shaped like one of Sailor Moon's Odango! SPONGE! Only available from JAPAN ODDITY EXPORT CORPORATION!! EYECATCH - Superdeformed Jedite sits on stage drenched with water, a broken violin shattered over his head. Superdeformed Michiru stands off to one side rubbing her hands together and nodding with satisfaction. ACT II: FINAL PREP ELIMINATION AREA "Let's see here..." Jedite muttered, examining the small ball he had just drawn from the selection box. "Four, eh?" He smirked. "You better get three," he said to Tienshinhan. The dark general pointed to the three-eyed warrior. "You're the only worthy opponent here. I will make it my mission to defeat you and claim my rightful place as the greatest warrior in the world!" "Oh really?" Tienshinhan asked with amusement, crossing his arms. "Our match is destined!" Jedite said confidently. "A former General of the Dark Kingdom and a former Champion of this very tournament. Our battle will be the stuff of legend!" "Heh," Tienshinhan replied. "We'll see." Before Jedite could say anything more, he was distracted by a large explosion in the side of the tournament hall. Out of the smoke and rubble, a short man in a blue-grey outfit similar to Jedite's emerged. "What the hell--?" Jedite asked in shock. "Lo!" the boy yelled, brushing dirt out of his spiky brown hair, pointing up into the sky dramatically for a moment. "For it is I, the scourge of the Dark Kingdom, the mighty Sublieutenant Calcite!" "Sublieutenant...who?" Jedite asked in shock. "Jedite-sama!" the boy exclaimed, walking forward and slamming into Jedite. "Sorry," the boy said, pulling out some coke-bottle lensed glasses from within his uniform and placing them over his beady eyes. "YOU!" Jedite exclaimed. "Didn't I steal energy from you that one time?" "Highly unlikely!" the boy exclaimed. "No one steals energy from a mighty Sublieutenant of the Dark Kingdom!" Jedite sneered at the boy-man in a bad parody of his uniform. "We didn't let crazed otaku into the Dark Kingdom." Calcite frowned. "Fear not, O mighty General Jedite! After years trapped under the arctic ice, I dug myself up and made my way across the planet just to serve at your side once again!" Jedite's jaw dropped as he looked at the geeky boy in disbelief. "YOU are NOT a sub-lieutenant of the Dark Kingdom! You're that Nerd-boy-- Ummelo, or something!" "But I heard Umino Gurio was dead," Sailor Pluto said slowly, "did not Nephlite kill him before wooing Naru?" "I AM NOT A NERD!" the boy screamed. "I AM YOUR LOYAL SUBLIEUTENANT, CALCITE!" "Uhh," the old monk who was in charge of the tournament said, "we need to continue--" "This boy is obviously insane," Prince Elios Dios said flatly. "Oh, and you're not, beastiality boy?" Jedite snapped. "I AM part of the DARK KINGDOM!" Calcite yelled. "Come ON! I've got the uniform, the gloves, the boots, even the MINERAL NAME!" "I think I'll make good use of this opportunity," Jedite mumbled to himself. "Boy!" he snapped. "Jedite-sama!" Calcite yelled, saluting. "You will be my MINERAL servant!" "I am your MINERAL servant, sir!" Calcite snapped, saluting smartly. "Your first order," Jedite yelled, "is to GET OUT OF HERE, FIND ME SOME FOOD, DELIVER it and STAY OUT OF MY WAY for the DURATION of the TOURNAMENT!" "Sir, yes sir!" Calcite snapped curtly. Saluting yet again, the boy spun on his heels and marched out of the hole he had created a few moments ago. "Did you even *have* Sub-lieutenants in the Dark Kingdom?" Pluto asked Jedite. "No, Queen Beryl and Kunzite had them all," Jedite muttered. "Those freaks." "Can we please continue?" the head monk asked exasperatedly. KAIOH HOUSE, AZABU-JUUBAN (Half a world away) "Yuuichiro! Clean up that yard!" Master Hino yelled, throwing a rake at his young apprentice. "But Master Hino!" Yuuichiro protested, barely dodging the implement as it sailed past his head at ludicrous speed. "Today was supposed to be my day off from chores!" "Don't question me, Boy!" Hino yelled, pointing to the front of Haruka's house. "We promised them we'd keep the yard clean while they were away!" The old man crossed his arms and nodded his head sagely. "*You* promised them!" Yuuichiro whined. "Why do you always take on work and then have _me_ do it for you!?" "That's what masters do, boy!" Hino said in his most sagely voice, wagging his finger at the young man. "Besides, it will make the ladies happy..." Hino began to drool, his head leaning to one side as he dimly imagined the reaction he would get when Haruka-tachi came home and saw a spotless lawn. "You're so... considerate," Haruka said breathlessly, running her hands up and down Master Hino's back. "Is there anything we can do..." Michiru cooed, her hands encircling Hino's neck. "...for you?" Hotaru asked suggestively, winking at Hino. A gusher of blood exploded from Master Hino's nose as Yuuichiro looked on, hanging his head in shame. "Get cracking, boy!" Hino yelled, snapping out of his reverie. "I'm going to the market." "Yes!" Yuuichiro said, snapping to attention. Grabbing the rake, he began to clean the ftont yard. "Unbelievable," he muttered, working his way towards the front door of the house. As he pulled at the leaves, he paused as the rake got caught in some kind of viscous fluid. "This isn't mud," Yuuichiro noted as he lifted up the rake, watching a clear ooze drip from its tines. "It's some kind of slime." It smelled like rotten fish. Yuuichiro shook the rake, trying to get the slime off, when he noticed more of it, all around the front of the house leading up to the door. "What's going on here?" he muttered, cautiously stepping around the pools of thick liquid and making his way to the entrance. Resting his hand on the front door, Yuuichiro was surprised to find that it swung open easily. "A burglar?" he asked himself, unconciously swinging his rake around in a defensive maneuver. He was rewarded with drops of slime pelting his face. "Ugh." The posh interior of the house was covered with wall-to-wall slime. It was dripping from the ceiling, leaking off the window curtains, and coating the floor. There was a squishing noise as Yuuichiro cautiously made his way into the domicile. "This stuff is everywhere!" Yuuichiro exclaimed, holding his nose to try and protect himself from thr stench. "And the SMELL! What kind of nasty burglar--" A sudden movement in the hallway caught Yuuichiro's eye. "Hey!" Yuuichiro yelled as he saw something rush down the hall. Doing his best not to slip on the slime-soaked carpets, he dashed after whatever it was that he had seen. "What the--" he yelped, noting seconds too late that the hallway terminated in a white door with a little "(heart) Tomoe" sign on it. Yuuichiro tried to stop, but the slime on the floor gave him no traction. Within seconds, he had smashed into-- and through-- the white door. Yuuichiro felt a strange floating senation as he emerged from the other side of the door at high speed, his feet missing the top of a narrow staircase. "YEEEEEEEAAAAUGH!" he screamed, plunging headirst down the stairs. Using what little martial arts training he had learned from Master Hino, Yuuichiro managed to tuck himself into small ball, spinning around and executing a clean landing at the bottom of the stairs. "Eww," he muttered, as he realized he was standing in approximately a foot of viscous slime. As Yuuichiro's eyes adjusted to the darkness, he began to make out the dim outline of test tubes, Erlenmeyer flasks, bunsen burners and complicated electrical equiptment. "Wha-- what is this place?" he asked out loud. "This looks like Grandpa Munster's secret lab or something..." "Gwaaaarr...." came a low rumbling sound from somewhere deep in the recesses of the baaement lab. "Huh?" Yuuichiro muttered as he turned, finding himself face of face with a dog sized, translucent squid-shaped creature with three million cute, beady eyes and numerous filament tipped tentacles. "AHHHHHHHH!" Yuuichiro screamed in terror as the creature let out a high- pitched squeal of fear. "What the hell are you?!" The boy pulled out a strip of paper from within his robes, and held it before his face, the paper stiffening with the infusion of anti-evil energy. "AKURIO MAISON!" Yuuichiro yelled, charging the Ofuda, and throwing it at the creature. As the papoer flew in the air, Yuuichiro realized he staill hadn't gotten the wording right. Rei-san was so much better at using Ofuda than he was... "RARRGH!" the creature yelled as the defective spirit ward hit it in the "face". It hissed, its tentancles waving in the air frantically. Its three million eyes narrowed, glowing red. "Oh no!" Yuuichiro yelped. "I've made it mad!" The last thing he saw was the underside of the translucent creature at it leapt onto his face and pushed him down into the slime. Then the mental images began to flood his mind. FLASHBACK A giant, shadow-obscured face wearing bright, shiny glasses and a broad crimson smile loomed high above. "NOW, PHARAOH 95-CHAN, DON'T STRUGGLE," the giant face boomed. "PAPA, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" a female voice asked from somewhere in the vicinity. A feeling of intense, primal fear. A giant, white sleeved, shadow-covered hand stretching forth. Another, high pitched squeal. "THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT," the shadow covered face said sternly. "IF YOU HADN'T LEECHED ALL THAT LIFE-FORCE FROM ALL THOSE PEOPLE, YOU WOULDN'T BE SO LARGE NOW." The giant hand pulled back, revealing a large round brown rubber thing. Thrashing and squealing. The feeling of water on bottom. The close confines of an ivory bowl. "MUAHAHAHAH!" The shadow-covered face laughed madly as the round rubber thing rushed down, blotting out the light. Pressure. Impact after Impact. The sound of a lever being pulled. A deafening roar. Water everywhere. Vaccum. A mad rush through thin, stinky pipes. "PAPA, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE!?" the female voice asked, faintly now. "HE WOULDN'T FIT IN HIS AQUARIUM ANY MORE, SO I *FLUSHED* HIM! MUAHAHAHAHAHAA!" "I FLUSHED HIM..." "FLUSHED HIM..." "FLUSHED..." "AIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Yuuichiro screamed as memories of weeks in the Tokyo sewer system flooded his mind. The fear. The loathing. The undeniable lust for bloody, malevolent vengeance against humanity. The boy rose out of the slime, his eyes glowing red. A small translucent tentacle slithered into his mouth, which twisted into a sick grin. BUDOKAI ELIMINATION AREA Yeah!" Mutanex yelled, doing a John-Travolta style disco spin and point move. He held up a ball marked "6". "6! Is it scary?! Dancing Machine! WHOO!" Jedite stared at the alien and sighed in relief. "Can he get any MORE annoying? Thank goodness I don't have to go up against that freak of nature in the first round." "Jedite," Sailor Pluto said confidently. "Hmm?" The Dark General asked, turning to face Pluto. Pluto held up a ball marked "3". "Marvelous," Jedite said sarcastically, folding his arms in front of him. "I guess I do get to go up against a freak of nature-- She who is older than sand." Pluto smirked. "You desire to make history, Jedite-san," she said ominously. "But there is no way you can prevail over history herself. I--" A strange look of pain came over her face, and Pluto clutched her stomach, completely ruining the ominious moment. "I--" "Yes?" Jedite asked arrogantly, raising an eyebrow. "I must--" Pluto said, grimacing, "seek--" Jedite waited expectantly. "--the lavatory." Pluto dashed out of the room in a very undignified manner. Jedite facefaulted. "Ahh," Tienshinhan said, walking up to the selection box, placing his hand in the hole. "Time to see what my slot is." He sished around in the box for a moment, eventually producing a ball with a "1" on it. He showed it to the head monk. The monk wrote Tienshinhan's name in the first slot on the leaderboard. Another monk at the rear of the room flipped open his cellphone and relayed the result. Outside, at the side of the battle arena, another monk put away his cellphone, inscribing Tienshinhan's name on the first slot of a much larger leaderboard. On the huge jumbotron at one end of the stadium seating complex, a tight shot of the leaderboard showed Tienshinhan's name being pencilled in. A huge roar erupted from the crowd, just as it had every time a name had been placed in the slots. Another cheer went up as the camera shot changed and another name was entered on the board. The camera shot was replaced by a digital display which displayed the slots so far. CAPSULE CORP SEATING AREA, ARENA "Hmm," Bulma said, sipping a lime-green soda. "It looks like Tien will be fighting that Elios guy straight off. That should be an easy one." "I don't know about that," Hotaru said darkly, taking a sip of her coffee. "Elios, for all his crudity, is an exceptionally dangerous foe." "You don't know Tien!" Bulma protested. "He won this tournament once before, you know. And he's never stopped training himself. He stood up against both Cell and Majin Buu." "Majin who?" Hotaru asked. "Never mind," Bulma said. "Anyway, trust me... He's one of the most powerful fighters in the world!" "Power..." Hotaru said slowly, eyeing the first tournament bracket warily, "may not be enough." ELIMINATION AREA "You will fall before me, Tienshinhan," Prince Elios said smugly, pointing confidently at the three-eyed warrior. "You will be punished for your interference with my affairs." Tienshinhan did not flinch. "I used to be like you," he said slowly. "Treating other people with contempt, being so full of myself and my power. But I had to learn the hard way that--" "Spare me your sermon," Elios snapped, turning away. "I used to be like *you*. A goody-goody peacenik foo / who always played by the Man's rule. But then I joined the dark side / took myself on a wild ride-- now I'm on the attack / gunning for you, Three-Eye jack." Before Tienshinhan could reply, he was cut off by an announcement from the podium. "And that leaves fighter 'Chibiusa' with number 5", the head monk said sagely, filling in the last vacant slot on the leaderboard. "You better watch out for that Mutanex freak, runt," Jedite said to Chibiusa, putting his hand on her shoulder and eyeing the surgical-mask wearing Micheal Jackson lookalike warily. "I hear he's got some weird pow--" "--I'll crush him easily," Chibiusa snapped in her sugary-cute voice, pulling away from Jedite and stalking out of the room. "When did she get so cocky?" Jedite asked himself, dimly noting that the little kid was not so much cocky as incredibly self-assured. He stopped worrying about that as he noticed some monks drawing in another line on the leaderboard. A single line which bypassed all the other brackets for the quarterfinals, semifinals and even the final bout. "The slots have now all been decided," The head monk said brightly. "The eight competitors will battle until only one remains, at which time the winner will get to face Mr. Satan, the current world champion!" Tienshinhan blinked all three of his eyes in confusion. "They've changed the rules this year?" "That sneaky [BLEEP]!" Jedite exclaimed, half in disgust, and half in respect for the audacity of the move. "I was wondering why his name wasn't in the pool so far. He set up the brackets so he'd have a bye all the way up to the *end* of the tournament!" He smirked. "It's just this kind of cowardice I will punish when I rise above all the others and restore the legend of the Budokai!" MR. SATAN'S PRVATE LOCKER ROOM Mr. Satan, who was admiring himself in the mirror, sneezed. He wiped the snot off his nose and smirked at his reflection. "Heh. Someone must be trying to spread malicious rumours about me again." He ran a hand through his massive afro. "That's the price I have to pay for being the mighty World Champion! HOOOOOOOO!" SOMEWHERE ELSE "Where... am I?" Haruka asked groggily. Her eyes opened slowly, and she stared into a cloudless magenta sky. She tried to move, but found herself unable to raise her arms or legs. "I feel so... so... heavy," Haruka muttered, using incredible force of will to push herself into an upright position. All her limbs felt like lead. Forcing herself, after about ten minutes, she was able to get her arm up and feel a tickling sensation which was oddly coming from somewhere over her head. A slim, hard, flattened sideways circle met her fingerstips. "Halo?" Haruka asked herself. "Impossible... don't tell me I'm... dead again..!" Memories of the attack in the bushes near the Budokai arena flooded her mind. "Looks like you caught a bad 'break'," a friendly, jovial voice with something of a lisp to it said. "--'break' get it?" There was a snorting chuckle and laugh. Haruka rubbed her previously broken neck relexively. "Those bad puns..." She painfully turned around to see a short, stocky blue-skinned fellow wearing sunglasses, regal robes, and a black skullcap.* *http://anime_capsule.tripod.com/profiles/lords_ladies/North_Kai.html "King Kai?!" she exclaimed. "Kaiou-sama!" the god of the North Galaxy exclaimed irritatedly. "You'd better learn to be polite, little lady, if you want me to train you in time for you to make it back to the tournament!" "Train me?!" Haruka asked in shock. "No way!" TO BE CONTINUED FADE OUT PREVIEW OF NEXT EPISODE: At last, the 33rd Tenka-ichi Budokai has been decided! The four Quarterfinal matches are as follows: Match 1: Tienshinhan vs. Elios Dios Match 2: Sailor Pluto vs. General Jedite Match 3: Chibiusa vs. Mutanex Match 4: Daimon Skeletor vs. Ten'ou Haruka But other mysteries remain! For example, who was Haruka's mysterious killer? Will Kaiou-sama be able to train her in time to compete in the tournament? What will Pharaoh 95-chan do with Yuuichiro's body? And why does Setsuna-san need to seek the lavatory?! (Tight shot of Setsuna's strained face as she grunts and strains. The sound of a large "plop" and a splash. A look of relief spreads across her face.) Find out the answers to these pressing questions and more as the 33rd Tenka-ichi Budokai officially begins next time on Suburban Senshi, when everyone starts "Horsing Around!" You better get ready! ZINGER: "I must--" Pluto said, grimacing, "seek--" Jedite waited expectantly. "--the lavatory." Pluto dashed out of the room in a very undignified manner.