SUBURBAN SENSHI XMAS SPECIAL: "MUCH ADO ABOUT HOTARU" (Episode 19b) By Dr. Xadium (drxadium@DEATHTOSPAMgate.net) 6/14/2003 Naoko Takeuchi is hereby thanked for her involuntary contribution to this fanfic. TEAM SUBURBAN SENSHI would like to congratulate Tomoe Hotaru, aka SAILOR SATURN, for bringing home the title of "Nanbaawan no Senshi" in the 2003 Senshi'ichi Budoukai via her actions in this story! --- PROLOUGE --- **************************************************************************** My name's Dvigesh. Actually, dat's Royal Crown Prince Dvigesh, of da Silver Millennium. I'm da half-breed thoid cousin of da second aunt to da fourth sister of da ninth maid of da seventeenth chambermaid of da sixth hairdresser to da podiatrist of da Royal Queen herself, Serenity III. For ages I've tried ta claim my rightful place in da hierarchy of da "Kingdom", but I was always taunted, teased, humilated, an' usually just plain ignored. Those stupid fem-centric matriarchical-types! Just cuz I had a Y chromosome and looked a lot like a fat plumbah from Brooklyn wit all da attendant hygiene issues dat implies, don't mean dey shoulda been so cruel ta me! Just cuz I wasn't as slim n' trim as dose fancy Princesses and Senshi, dey was always exiling me, an' calling me names like "deluded stalker psychopath otaku man" an' "da royal wanna-be hentai pervert ecchi weirdo from hell." Finally, after I gots caught tryin' ta "steal" Princess Venus' hairbow, (it actually belonged ta da fifth niece of my mother's half-uncle), Princess Serenity finally used her super-magical "ooh ahh lookit my badass space rock which actually does all my work for me" powers ta seal me into da side ah da moon. That wasn't no rabbit pounding mochi you human-types saw looking down on ya all dose years, y'know-- dat was ME. My hollowed, tired eyes, attached to my brutally severed head spread out across hundreds of miles ah lunar regalith... staring down on yas... seeing into yer SOULS. Well, not really, but I coulda if I'd wanted ta! Anyways... ta cut a long story short... there I was fer thousands of years, watching yous people's civilizations rise an' fall... Elysion, Lemuria, Atlantis, I seen 'em all come and go. And all da while, I watched yer Saturday morning TV transmissions. And plotted my revenge. Yeah, my sweet, delectable revenge, dat I was gonna personally take out on each and every one of dose Silver Millenium GEEKS that'd sealed me away like a ripe pimple banished under a band-aid on prom nite. I watched as da Senshi re-incarnated in da early 90's, an' I knew it was time ta take out da trash... sos usin' all my pent-up frustration an' anger, I shattered dat stoopid seal! But my luck stunk. By da time I got out, Tsukino Usagi an' her comedy clique of inner senshi had packed up and headed for da 31st Century, robbing me ah my chance for divine vengeance! But ya gotta remember, I'm an old-school member of da Royal family! Practically immortal, even. Sos a thousand years ain't sweat to me. I decided dat while I was waitin' for the next thousand years ta pass, I'd kill time by killing some *Outer* Senshi-- See, dey was left behind, probably cuz dey'd been such jerks to the inners for all dose years, or because they didn't feel like cowtowing to da every whim of an omnipotent teenager with IQ issues. But anyways-- I was ready, yeah... I knew 'em all-- Haruka, Setsuna, Michiru. When I got out, I was totally prepared ta ruin their lives an' crush 'em into dirt under my evil heel! But there was one thing I hadn't counted on: Tomoe "Sailor Saturn" Hotaru. See, I barely even realized she existed, she was around so briefly dat first time she showed up. And den she was a little kid fer a while, so she got in under my radar... but when I *did* figure out she was around, I decided ta go after her foist. And no, it ain't cuz "Dvigesh can only pick on frail, introverted, physically weak goils..." it's 'cuz psychologically yous can do da worst damage ta da strongest people by utterly mauling their weaker friends foist. Yeah. I figured once I dropped Hotaru's severed head onto the doorstep ah da udda Outers, they'd fold like a cheap napkin. Or get so pissed they'd make stupid mistakes. Either way, *I* was gonna end up the winner! And I did! I gots my vengeance on that little Goth beeatch of a Senshi. Oh Yeah! Here begins the tale ah my glorious victory! ************************************************************************** --- MAN MEET --- ************************************************************************** If dere was one ting I knew about da inner senshi, it was that dey was all young, impressionable goils wit overactive hormones an' hopeless dreams of findin' romantic love. Haruka and Michuru didn't have dat problem, bein' practically riveted at the hip, and Setsuna was a few bajillion years too old to give a crap about sappy stuff like dat, but I figured Hotaru was about at the rite age to wheres I could use her biochemistry against 'er. The first ting I did was send away for da ACME Mind Reader kit and their Instant Disguise set. I decided ta use da Mind Reader kit on Hotaru ta figure out what kinda guy she really dug... like who her favorite idol was. Then, using da disguise kit, I'd get real close ta her. And BAM! She'd be mine! Sos I waited. Finally, one day, da chance came. **************************************************************************** "What do you mean I have to go to the mall?!" Hotaru protested angrily. "Papa, you know I can't stand that place! It's so noisy-- full of pushy, self-centered teenagers who roam about the place in packs!" "NOW Hotaru," Professor Tomoe said, his darkened face lit with a crimson smile and chuckling madly, "You KNOW that the LAB in the BASEMENT is FILLED with SLIME, and I need to clear it OUT before HARUKA and Michiru get home, otherwise they're going to HAVE my HEAD! MUAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" "Papa," Hotaru scolded, "I fail to see why I must go, considering that the reason the lab is filled with slime is that *you* were busy trying to summon demons again!" "Be a GOOD Girl, Hotaru!" Tomoe said pleadingly. "Haven't I ALWAYS done nice things for you?" "You mean like the time you sold my soul to Pharaoh 90, resurrecting my dead body using nanites so that Mistress 9 might have a suitable host?" Hotaru replied dryly.* *See the S Manga... Hotaru's more sarcastic nature also comes from the Stars Manga... I've tried to mix it with her more reserved S -era self. Tomoe laughed. "But I don't like going outside," he protested. "I TAN easily!" "So do I!" Hotaru protested, holding up a pale white hand. "Having melanoma is not something to which I aspire!" "PLEEEEEEEEZE?" Professor Tomoe pleaded, "if you FETCH it for me, I'll give you some extra money for another LAMP!" Hotaru pondered this for a moment. "Oh, very well." Her collection could always do with another lamp. Haruka-poppa was always "inadvertently" breaking them. "Hehehehe..." Tomoe chuckled under his breath. "She can be so PAVLOVIAN when it comes to her LAMPS." LATER THAT DAY "I cannot believe I'm actually at the mall," Hotaru said, wincing, as throngs of giggling teenagers pushed past her, rushing hither and fro in a mad gaggle of materialist compulsion. "At least when Chibiusa-chan was around, I didn't have to face this insanity alone." In the background, hidden amongst the crowd, was Dvigesh with his ACME mind reader helmet. Twisting the oversized knob on the site to "Favorite Idol" and donning the device, he aimed it at Hotaru, who was staring at some posters of scantily-clad swimsuit models in a polite form of scandalized shock. "Hmm," Dvigesh said... "here we go... Hya...Hiya... Hayase Shun... a sports star..."* *See SMS #117 Dvigesh rubbed his fleshy hands together, grinning an almost toothless grin as he whipped out his "ACME instant diguise kit". "Yeah..." he said to himself, "Now, once I make myself up to look like dis guy, and she catches a glimpse of me... like any teenage goil, she'll rush into my arms for an autograph an' a glimpse of my adonis-like physique... den," he chuckled, "I'll give her my SPECIAL SURPRISE... one gen-u-ine ACME exploding autograph page!" _These people are so shrill!_ Hotaru thought to herself, frowning as she stuggled to keep on her feet in the midst of a surging crowd, _Screaming as if their lives were in danger, when it's just some meaningless celebrity... oh, my--_ Hotaru's heart skipped a beat as the crowd she was in parted for a moment to reveal-- "Hayase Shun... I've-- looked up to him for years... the last time we met I never gave him my fan letter, but perhaps this time-- yes, this time, I shall certainly gain his autograph!" "Dat's right," Dvigesh said under his fetid stank breath with a chuckle... right now yous is surrounded by an unspeakably lewd aura! Thoughts of autographs an' illicit smiles from vaunted celebrities fill yer tiny, hormone addled-mind! Why don't yous come a little closer?" Hotaru mindlessly navigated her way through the throng of rabid fans, her slight frame making it easy for her to weave through the tangled mass of bodies. "Yes... yes..." Dvigesh exclaimed. "Closer... like a fly inta my ointment! Once yous grabs hold of dis exploding autograph pad, yer gonna be nothin' more than a pale street pizza! HAHAHAHAHA!" "Hayase-sama!" some of the girls in the crowd screeched as Hotaru made her way past them. "Hayase-sama!" "Oh, dear..." Hotaru said almost breathlessly, as she finally got within range of Hayase, drawing angry glares from the other girls in the crowd. "There are so many people... I've awaited this moment for so very long..." Dvigesh's false, perfect teeth glinted in the light. "I can do this..." Hotaru said weakly, her heart pounding a mile a minute. "I can..." She blushed furiously, hovering just a foot away from "Hayase" and his waiting autograph pad of doom. _Wat?_ Dvigesh thought to himself in a panic. _Why is she ditherin'?! Does she sense my wicked, twisted evil purpose?_ "Oh, it's Hayase-sama..." Hotaru said to herself desperately as she struggled to try and move forward another inch, "but I'm so shy... I can't..." She clenched her fist. "I want to, but I--" Almost in tears, Hotaru trembled with indecison. _NO!_ Dvigesh screamed mentally. _What are you doing, goil? Does you not desire my bishounen beauty?! Am I not every goil's poifect dreem?!?_ In Hayase's voice, Dvigesh called out, "Hotaru-chan!" plaintively. Hotaru's indecision broke. "Oh, I'm so sorry, Hayase-san!" She cried. "I-- I just can't do it!" She turned and fled back through the crowd, red-faced with embarassment. "W-Wait--!" Dvigesh began. "Hayase-kun," a pushy female fan in the crowd yelled, shoving herself into his face, Sign my autograph NOW!" As he scribbled her name on the autograph pad, the overeager fan ripped the paper off the pad, starting its built-in timer. "Pushy wench!" Dvigesh thought with amusement, "At least she'll get wat's comin' ta her." "Now you hold it while I make someone take a picture of you, me and the autograph so I can prove it's real for eBay!" the girl exclaimed, pressing the paper back in Dvigesh's hand, running off to her fellow kogals. "Wha?!" Dvigesh exclaimed in shock, hearing the final, fatal click on the paper's timer. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Dvigesh yelled in best "Excel Saga" Pedro-style as the paper exploded, taking him with it. *************************************************************************** You know, it was some lucky [BLEEP] that I'm basically immortal. Otherwise that explosion coulda put a real dent in my super Master Plan. But you can't keep a good man down, no matter how much the editors at Toei try to make it look like only dames are important in Sailor Moon's neck of da woods. *************************************************************************** --- BOWLED OVER --- *************************************************************************** My next plan came about due to my studies indicatin' that the senshi have this ting fer playin' games against each udda in teams, fer fun... like beach volleyball, or tug'a war, stupid stuff like dat. Now since I was at da mall, my choices was a bit limited, but tanks to my super ingenieuity, a tube'a ACME brand C-4 explosive an' da help of a friendly (now unconcious) transvestite cosplayer, I was back in da game! *************************************************************************** "That was certainly humiliating," Hotaru muttered to herself, trying to suppress the memory of her shameful behaviour around Hayase. "I can't believe the way I was acting. Just like a brainless otaku--" Hotaru stopped dead in shock as she saw what was before her by the mall's bowling alley. No, it wasn't the throng of cosplayers who had gathered to enjoy a good game of bowling after their annual anime convention had let out for the night. It wasn't the shemale Sailor V, or the sixty-year old Great Saiyaman, or even the six-foot tall green Pikachu that gave her pause. It was the sight of Sailor Uranus standing in front of her, casually holding up a yellow bowling ball. "Yo," Uranus said, in a perfect imitation of Haruka Tenou's Ikari-Shinji like voice. "Haruka-poppa...?" Hotaru asked in a daze. _This is PERFECT,_ Dvigesh thought to himself. _The only place Sailor Senshi can go all out and be themselves is at a cosplay event! Hotaru will think that Haruka has come along to challenge her to a friendly game of bowling... and when she takes the special yellow ball I made JUST for her, and she hits a strike with it... BOOM! That'll be the end of her, and any other fools in the bowling alley!_ "Uranus" kneeled down, touching the yellow ball to the ground in challenge. "No..." Hotaru croaked, her mind involuntarily flashing back. FLASHBACK A globe of yellow energy lashed out towards Hotaru, stopped at the last second by the interjection of a second target. "Stay out of this, Sailor Moon!" Uranus yelled. "That girl's dangerous! She has to die!" Another instance. "Kill her, Sailor Moon!" Uranus screamed, readying her "World Shaking" attack. "She's the messiah of silence!" "Kill her now!" "She must be put down!" "Sacrifices have to be made!" END FLASHBACK Hotaru trembled as she saw Uranus kneeling down in front of the bowling alley, her hand on the yellow globe, as if ready to attack. "Not... again..." Hotaru said in a strange singsong, the suppressed trauma bubbling to the surface like a mad torrent of hot lava. "eh?" Dvigesh asked, confused. "WHY DO YOU HATE ME SO MUCH?!" Hotaru shrieked, holding the side of her head. "I won't... let you... try to hurt me... AGAIN!" Hotaru yelled, the sigil of Saturn flashing on her forehead. "Huh?" Dvigesh asked, not following. In a flash, Sailor Saturn stood before him. "Whoa, she's got this cosplay thing DOWN!" a random cosplayer dressed as Son Goten exclaimed. "WHY YOU!" Saturn boomed hysterically. "I couldn't defend myself before, Haruka-poppa, but this time will be DIFFERENT!" "Now-- now wait just a minute--" Dvigesh said in a sudden panic. "SILENCE GLAIVE SURPRISE!" Saturn yelled, pointing her glaive forward and unleashing a blast of purple-black energy that atomized half the bowling alley as the terrified cosplayers ran for their lives. "Wha... happened?" Dvigesh asked himself as he regained conciousness at the far end of the one surviving lane, next to a row of still-upright pins. His whole body was charred, and he coughed up smoke. Presently, a deep, rolling sound caught his attention. A yellow ball was slowly wending its way towards the pins. Too weak to move, Dvigesh could only look on helplessly as it neatly smashed into the pins, knocking them all down. "St... Strike..." Dvigesh exhaled timidly as he found himself at the center of yet another huge explosion. *************************************************************************** Fer my next masterplan I decided ta go back to da basics. Bombs was too Dangerous! I did a little diggin', an found out dat little miss Tomoe seems to have da ability to see da future-- or at least da future where da fate of the moon princess is involved (dat of course bein Sailer Moon) Sos I did a little internet research, and set da stage for my best trap yet! *************************************************************************** --- A HEAVENLY VISION --- "What happened over there?" Hotaru asked herself as she observed the burnt- out, smoking remains of the bowling alley. She had the feeling she wasn't quite remembering something, but she chalked it up to stress and made her way to the hardware store, where she purchased a mop for her father. "Well," she said slowly, "now that I finally have this accursed mop, I suppose I should head home before-- wha--- my head..." Feeling slightly dizzy, Hotaru made her way to a nearby bench and sat, her breathing shallow. In her mind's eye, a horrific image began to form. "Gods..." Hotaru said breathlessly. "What is this...? Sailor Moon..? In danger? But-- she's supposed to be in Crystal Tokyo?!" Hotaru paused, as the vision became clearer. Something was horribly, horribly wrong. "But what is this... this new corpulent obesity of Sailor Moon's? Why is her Sailor Fuku stretched to the point of bursting? Why are her legs so stout and chubby?" Hotaru seriously began to doubt her sanity. It was perhaps conceivable that years of easy living and absolute dominion over the Earth of the future had allowed Usagi to indulge her voracious appetites to a level never before imagined... but still, what she was seeing was like a bulbous sperm whale crammed into a Sailor Fuku several hundred sizes too small for it and hung from the ceiling via an all-too-slender rope. "And for that matter..." Hotaru asked herself in shock, "What on Earth is she doing suspended over a pool of *rabid* man-eating Piranha?" _Dat's rite, Hotaru,_ Dvigesh thought to himself suavely. (Well, as suavely as he could) _I knows yous can see me... now, like a firefly ta da flame... come ta my aid..._ He looked down at the pool of deliberately underfed Piranha beneath him. _Just try ta rescue me, and when yous is witin my reach, I'll cut dis rope, knock yous down and feed ya ta da fishes!_ Hotaru, for her part, still sat in shock on her bench. "This vision makes no sense!" she protested. "Usagi-chan doesn't have stubble on her face! Or an Adam's apple?" Finally, she snapped out of her daze and got to her feet. "Perhaps I'm having a severe delayed reaction to Michiru-mama's cooking from last night... still, I should check it out..." Tentatively, Hotaru began to make her way towards where she felt Sailor Moon was. Not being a frequent mall visitor, she had no way of knowing the place in question was only a few hundred feet away to the left. Going entirely the wrong way, she began to circumnavigate the mall. "What's keeping her!?" Dvigesh muttered under his breath. "Surely there are no flaws in my immasculate stimulation!" He patted his patently unbelievable posterior, which was the size of a small hippopotamus. "It's totally accurate ta this picture of Sailer Moon I found on the internet!"* *Dvigesh is looking at the [in]famous picture of what is basically a male Sumo wrestler dressed up as Sailor Moon. see http://www.murderize.com/Articles/sailormoon/ - I have nothing to do with those pics, thank god) "Hey, look!" A random kid said, staring up at Dvigesh. "It's Sailor Moon!" "Who?" asked another kid with him. "You know, the soldier of love and justice!" The first kid said enthusiastically. "Man, that's so old!" the second kid said disgustedly. "She was hot maybe ten years ago! Now look at her, she's like any other celebrity! She's gone to [BLEEP]! She's nothing compared to the Digimon!" Screaming at Dvigesh, the kid yelled, "You SUCK, Sailor Moon!" "Wha--?" Dvigesh asked. He hadn't been paying attention to them. "Are dey sayin' my disguise sucks?!" He pondered that for a second. "Nah... dey must be dissin' me... err, Sailer Moon! Cool! But I gots ta play da part..." "Now kids," he began in an exaggerated falsetto, making flailing arm motions and frantic hand gestures as he spoke. "It's rude to be mean ta yer older sisters! Yous should respect yer elders! I can't stand fer yer cheekiness! In da name of da moon, I'll--" "Suck it, old lady!" the kid yelled, making a crotch chop gesture, following that up by throwing a rotten tomato at the colossally corpulent "Sailor Moon". "Hey! Hey!" Dvigesh exclaimed as the tomato smashed into his face. "Cut dat out kid!" To his horror, more kids began to join in, throwing rotten pears, cumquats and even zucchini at him. Halfway across the mall, Hotaru felt herself assaulted by the vision again. "What?!" she exclaimed. "The vision of danger is becoming more intense! *Children* are attacking Sailor Moon with... rotten fruit? What IS this?! Perhaps there is some kind of mind control at work! I'd better hurry up and find her! Blast, there are too many people around here, I can't transform! I'll just have to run to her as I am!" Putting all her effort into it. Hotaru broke into a full speed dash... which for her decidedly unathletic, somehat frail self was more of a forced jog. "Hahahaha!" Cackled some bystander. "Lookit that goth girl try to run! It's SO funny!" "I... am NOT... Goth!" Hotaru panted irately as she tried to push herself further. But the acids were already building up in her muscles, and she was tiring fast. "Geh..." she exclaimed under her breath with disgust, "perhaps if I had listened to the others and joined up for some sports, I wouldn't be so quick to tire... at this rate it'll take me *forever* for me to get there!" _Where da HELL is she!?_ Dvigesh panicked, suddenly realizing he might actually need a REAL rescue from Sailor Saturn as the throng of kids around him grew even more raucous, hurling everything from potted plants to folding steel chairs at his all-too-exposed body. The laws of physics being what they were, he began to swing around helplessly, the thin rope holding him up beginning to twist tighter and tighter. _Arrgh!_ he thought. He'd made the rope super thin so it would be easy to cut quickly when Hotaru had come up to rescue him, but now it looked like that was going to be a fatal mistake... And, even as that thought crossed his mind, a chance impact from a ballistic letter opener snapped the taut rope-- ..."NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" he bellowed in a super drawn out, low pitched scream... --sending Dvigesh's bloated body plummeting into the pool of Pirhana like a whale carelessly dropped from high orbit onto the Earth below. Hundreds of carnivorous fish welcomed his arrival into their domain, teeth bared as the children cheered. A FEW SECONDS LATER "Finally..." Hotaru wheezed. "I made it... Oh NO!" Her hands reflexively covered her mouth in shock as she took in the gruesome sight. There, in a blood-red pool, surrounded by hundreds of jumping, snapping fish, was the tattered remains of Sailor Moon's Super XXXXXL Sailor fuku. Not to mention her Cetacean skeleton. "Wait a moment," Hotaru said irately, noting some other items in the area. "This nylon wig with golf ball Odango... this cheaply meade Korean knock-off Sailor Fuku boot... all these clamoring children... She sighed. Suddenly it all made perfect sense. The odd appearance of Sailor Moon... the utterly implausible danger scenario... it was all probably some stupid "reality" TV game show using cosplayers filming a challenge scene... "Arrgh," she exclaimed with disgust, heading for the mall lamp shop with her mop. "Game shows nowadays have no shame! Defiling the image of the Sailor Senshi like that! Hmph!" ************************************************************************** Now, yous mighta thought dat bein' eaten alive by a hundred Pirhana woulda shut down ol' Dvigesh. Heck no. After I pulled myself back together (well, mosta myself) I got ready for da endgame back at Hotaru's place. ************************************************************************** --- EN-LIGHT-ENMENT --- Hovering in the darkness of Hotaru's room, a heavily-bandaged Dvigesh stood in the corner, reading a book entitled "Typical Household Disasters". "Heheheh... It says here dat electrocution is da number one leadin' cause a' DEATH in da home..." Walking over to Hotaru's computer, he began tinkering. "I'll just add a few special ADJUSTMENTS to her computah, and as soon as she touches dat keyboard, it'll be a HOT time in the old town tonight! HAHAHA!" "I'm home!" Hotaru said from somewhere downstairs. "Heheh..." Dvigesh laughed, melting into the shadows via creative use of black spraypaint. "Here she comes..." He looked at the glowing light of the computer with sick glee. Suddenly, the lights went out. "Wha--?" Dvigesh asked in confusion. DOWNSTAIRS, OUT OF EARSHOT "Oh dear..." Hotaru said weakly, a hint of amusement in her voice. "_Hotaru no baka_!" Haruka exclaimed in exasperation. "Are you plugging in MORE lamps again?!" "Haruka-poppa--" Hotaru began irately. The argument was an old one. "DEAR..." her father said, walking in and snatching the mop from her hands, " Isn't SEVENTY laps AT ONCE a bit MUCH?" "Papa," Hotaru asked in shock, why are you taking her side?" "Because he knows that if he doesn't," Haruka said, cracking her knuckles, "he'll get to play a very bloody game of Twister with me for what he did to the basement." "Oops," Hotaru said sheepishly, realizing that she was supposed to have brought the mop home _before_ Haruka had arrived. UPSTAIRS "Oh, why is dis stoopid computah off!" Dvigesh exclaimed. "I'm so close! I gots ta fix this ting so it's deadly again!" He froze as he heard the sound of feet in the stairwell. "Gah! She must be comin' up da stairs! I gotta fix it fast! Blast! There's no time! I'll just haveta undo dis wiring before she notices anyting wrong!" He began pulling at the previously live wire. DOWNSTAIRS "Get back here, Hotaru!" Haruka yelled. She was reading a paper via flashlight. "Look at this light bill! Ten Million Yen! You need to find a cheaper hobby, like sportscar racing or something! I'm unplugging all these [BLEEP]ing lamps right now!" "Haruka-poppa!" Hotaru snapped. "You spend more than that on a bottle of wine! Don't you dare touch my--" The sound of violent unplugging and many lamps breaking filled the room. Instantly, the load on the circuits was lessened, and power came back on. UPSTAIRS "Wha-IAIAIAIAIAIAIAIAIAIAIAIAIAIAAUAGAHAAGAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" For Dvigesh's screams were many and unholy as he stood there, holding the live wire as the power returned. Verily, it was with a SNAP, CRACKLE and even a POP! that his charbroiled flesh oozed and bubbled into an unrecognizable slag. DOWNSTAIRS "Do any of you smell something from upstairs?" Hotaru asked quizzically. "Something burning?" "It must be Michiru's cooking," Haruka said dismissively. "I left some of it to fester upstairs last night. Not even the mold will touch it." "I'm going to check on it," Hotaru said worriedly, her instincts acting up. She made her way upstairs to her room. --- NOW THAT'S USING YOUR NOODLE --- "What the--?" Hotaru asked in shock as she entered her room, the door swinging and locking shut behind her. The entire place had been redone, and was filled with a large variety of odd items, all carefully placed in order to form one huge, complex mechanism of some kind. "So, Tomoe Hotaru," a heavily accented voice said haughtily, "Wees finally meet!" "Who--who are you?" Hotaru asked in surprise. Then, with anger, she added-- "And what have you done to my room?!" "Oh," Dvigesh said with glee, smirking, "Dis is no longer your 'room', kid... welcome ta my ULTIMATE TRAP OF INFINITE PERIL AN' SOITAN DOOM!" "How very droll," Hotaru said dryly. "Behold the ultimate creation of Lunar Prince Dvigesh!" Hotaru cast her gaze around the room, unimpressed. "It looks to me like you've simply constructed some kind of massively impractical homebrew machine," she said dismissively. "Homebrew *Death* Machine," Dvigesh corrected. "Yes," Hotaru mumbled tiredly. "I suppose that would be where the 'trap of peril and doom' comes from." "*ULTIMATE* trap of *INFINITE* peril and *SOITAN* doom!" Dvigesh yelled. "This isn't even a challenge--" Hotaru began, raising her hand in preparation to transform. "Oh, it's too late fer dat, Tomoe Hotaru," Dvigesh exclaimed. "Before yous could even start yer transformation, my ULTIMATE TRAP OF INFINITE PERIL AND SOITAN DOOM will have destroyed yous!" He pulled a large lever marked "ON" and began to cackle madly. "Watch, as da fun begins!" Dvigesh exclaimed. "See how dis switch moves dat golfball, wich falls down dat tube and hits de Seesaw, wich completes a circuit, activatin' a motor dat pulls a string wich opens a pack of playin' cards sos da cards fall out, knockin' over some dominoes, which hit da on switch on dat toy robot, which walks over to--" "And how is this faster than my transformation?" Hotaru asked incredulously. "Shaddup!" Dvigesh snapped. "Aww, I lost track! Crap! Anyways, now dat ball over dere is gonna knock over dis switch on dat hot plate, which'll warm up dis bowl of soba... once the soba gets hot enough it'll let out steam which'll alter the delicate balance of the pressure switch controlling the death ray--" "Mmm, Nihon Soba!" Hotaru exclaimed, snatching the warming bowl off the plate and eating it. "My favorite!" "What?! No, don't move dat! Yer disruptin' da balance, ya saucy girl! Now da Death ray won't be aimed rite, and-- NONONONO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! KIYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" Dvigesh's frantic tirade was cut short (along with a certain other part of his anatomy) as the misaligned death ray opened fire in his direction. "Mmm... this tastes rather good, actually! You make good soba!" Hotaru exclaimed, utterly oblivious to the moment. ************************************************************************* After dat painful encounter, and a visit to J.W. Bobbit's doctor, I gave up the evil monster biz, and decided ta concentrate on makin' millions pursuin' my newfound talent of soba-noodle makin'. But old grudges die hard... ************************************************************************* SEVERAL MONTHS LATER "Ugh!" Hotaru exclaimed, making her way to the lavatory again at hyperspeed. "So you mean it was the *soba*, and not your cooking that's got her booking frequent flier miles to the can today?" Haruka asked Michiru curiously. "OF COURSE!" Michiru answered angrily. "Isn't it OBVIOUS?!" Haruka looked at the package of "D's Delectable Soba" curiously. *************************************************************************** And dat, my friends, was how I finally gots my revenge on Tomoe Hotaru! *************************************************************************** THE END