Naoko Takeuchi is hereby thanked for her involuntary contribution to this fanfic. YingGirl is thanked for giving Dr. Xadium the idea for this contest, and Dr. Xadium is thanked for having the contest, as well as putting Keiko Kitagawa in the story which inspired my choice of villain.
“TIME TRAVEL IN A CONVERTIBLE?” Tomoe mused as he slapped Haruka on the back, “NOW THAT’S WORTHY OF MY INSANITY!”
“I built it just like the DeLorean from Back to the Future” Haruka said as she leaped into the Ferrari followed by Professor Tomoe. She twisted a lever between the seats and the green, yellow, and red time displays lit up. As she began inputting the date, the displays went blank again just as quick.
“[BLEEP]! What’s wrong with this thing?” Haruka yelled as she smacked the displays.
“MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAH! YOU FORGOT THE DAIMON SEED!” Tomoe yelled sing-songingly* as he produced one from his lab coat. “THEY POWER ALL THE TECHNOLOGY IN MY LAB!”
*If such a thing is even possible
Professor Tomoe pressed the daimon seed against the time displays which flickered back to life as it was absorbed.
“You can’t be [BLEEP]ing serious. I don’t want my car turned into a daimon again.” Haruka screamed. “You know how much money it cost to fix last time?”
“MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAH! DON’T WORRY, THIS ONE IS TAME. IT JUST PROVIDES POWER!” Tomoe laughed while looking around the car, “YOU KNOW, YOU’VE WATCHED BACK TO THE FUTURE ONCE TOO OFTEN. I BET WE EVEN HAVE TO GET TO 88MPH TO TIME TRAVEL!”
“[BLEEP] that! 88MPH is for teenagers with Hondas, we have to get this baby to 188MPH!” Haruka beamed as she input the date, started the car and punched the gas. When the Ferrari reached the requisite speed, it disappeared in the midst of three sonic booms and flashes of lightning.
In Professor Tomoe’s lab on a shelf full of daimon seeds in jars, one jar stood empty. The note in front said, “ABNORMAL: DO NOT USE, MUAHAHAHAHAHAAH!”
“…And so we think she might have brain damage from those repeated whacks to the head.” Minako finished.
After hearing the tale of Chibiusa’s mental decline, Hotaru could only say one thing: “I feel like I’m going to vomit!”
“Moh! Imagine how we feel!” Exclaimed Minako, “We have to live with her!”
Hotaru thought about this for a second and felt decidedly better. “But if you pose as Neo Queen Serenity all the time sempai, where does the real Usagi-san hide?”
“Oh, she only usually hides during the day when the tourists are around.” Minako explained, “She shows up again at night most of the time, but I never could figure out where she gets to during the day.”
“What do you mean ‘most of the time’?”
“Moh! Don’t tell anyone, but once I had to impersonate Serenity overnight.” Minako sighed, “It was more uncomfortable than a sand-blasted business suit.”
“Sand in your bathing suit.” Hotaru corrected, “But what about King Endymion, you didn’t…”
“No, nothing like that!” Minako said as she waved her arms frantically. “I just pretended to have a headache and went right to sleep. Actually, he seemed relieved.”
Just then, the relative peace of the room was broken by Endymion’s quickly approaching footfalls and the shrill unmistakable voice of Chibiusa: “hshshshshshs, i fond u mi mamo-chun! You shud hav ban 2 mi bartdi perti.”
As Hotaru and Serenity-Minako returned to the main chamber they saw Chibiusa humping Endymion’s leg while Setsuna attempted to pry her away. Hotaru exclaimed under her breath, “Kami-sama, she must be brain damaged!” She could not imagine her best friend sinking to such depths, but the proof was unmistakably right before her eyes.
“lit og f mi puu!” Chibiusa yelled frantically, “mumo-chin si mi mn!”
“You’re his daughter Small Lady,” Setsuna yelled back, “you can’t have him, he’s mine!”
“CEASE THIS FOOLISHNESS AT ONCE!” Serenity-Minako boomed while the three of them sweatdropped, “We wish the royal chambers cleared. Setsuna, Endymion: return to your quarters and think about what you have done.”
As Setsuna and Endymion started to leave together, Serenity-Minako spoke up again, “Your INDIVIDUAL quarters. If we hear of this affair again, we shall strangle you with floss.”
“Nail you to the cross.” Hotaru groaned.
“That too. Now be gone. As for you Chibiusa, we are not amused by your behavior. You are to go to your room, and stay there until I come to talk to you.”
“Fak yuo bich, im nit goig niwer exsap bak ot mi manmo-chun!”
“TSUKINO USAGI, YOU GET TO YOUR ROOM RIGHT NOW !” Yelled Serenity-Minako.
“sit, momas passd.” Chibiusa thought. “ys moma ill og.” Chibiusa said as she turned and left. Chibiusa had figured out a while back that using her Silver Crystal was a sure way to tell her mother she was getting into trouble, but she still had one trick. Once she got out of sight around the corner, Chibiusa pulled out her Luna-P and cried “lona-p hanshen!”
The Luna-P stared at Chibiusa incredulously for a second, without changing its expression at all, then changed into a climbing rope and hooks which Chibiusa used to climb out the nearest window and down the side of the palace.
“MOSHSHSHSHSHSHSHS, new fro sam fun!” Chibiusa exclaimed as she ran off to get into even more mischief, while the Luna-P just sweatdropped and proceeded to follow her.
In a dark room of the palace known only to a few individuals, an odango-haired figure sat in front of a bank of monitors watching one intently.
“Excellent, that little brat of ours has finally let that Luna-P follow her freely.” Serenity cackled while watching Chibiusa from the eyes of the Luna-P on one of the monitors. “Now I can find out where she’s always running off to.”
Serenity turned to two other screens showing the Time Gate where Setsuna was thinking about Endymion and the royal bedroom where Endymion was thinking about Setsuna.
“We’ll deal with you two later my dears!” Serenity laughed.
“Moh! I bet she’s just going to run off and get in more trouble. She’s gone with a flair at least.” Minako sighed
“Out of my hair you mean.” Hotaru corrected. “I think your malapropisms are getting worse.”
“That too,” Minako mused, “but what she really needs is to get away from all these bad influences in the future. Come on, let’s go talk to Artemis.”
“Dressed like that? Does he know you play Serenity?”
“No, I’m going to go change in my room first, but his room is right by mine, so it’s not out of the way.”
Hotaru and Serenity-Minako headed down the hall to Minako’s quarters when they were confronted by a very distressed Ami.
“Serenity-sama, we have a problem.” Ami said.
“Our time is precious, make it short.” Serenity-Minako replied.
“There is a disturbing trend toward bankruptcy lately, Serenity-sama. Our budget for consumables is enormous, but our income from concessions isn’t anywhere near expectations. If this continues, we will be unable to financially sustain our nation for more than a year at most.”
Serenity-Minako pretended to think gravely for a second, then said, “Our advice is to find a solution before that happens then, Chief Accountant Ami.”, as she slapped Ami on the back.
“But Serenity-sama…” Ami began.
“Enough! You have been given your time, and now we must go.” Serenity-Minako exclaimed as she and Hotaru continued down the corridor. As they left, Minako whispered, “Gomen ne, Ami-chan. I have to play the part.”
“Wait! Don’t tell me YOU understood that, sempai.”
“Ehehehehe! Well, some of it anyway.”
Jedite surveyed his growing army of cosplayers from the sky. They nearly numbered a thousand. “Pity that I slew so many myself before discovering how easily manipulated they are.” Jedite thought, “Well, it was invigorating none the less.”
“You are now loyal subjects of the Neo-Dark Kingdom, are you not?” Jedite demanded of his army.
“Yes, Jedite-sama!” They replied in unison.
“Our objective is Neo Queen Serenity.” Jedite boomed, “We shall march on the palace and demand that she show herself.”
Instead of answering, the crowd mumbled to each other, until a Sailor Ursa Minor in the crowd spoke up. “But Jedite-sama, we don’t have tickets.” The brainwashing had made them loyal, but not any smarter.
“Tickets?” Jedite mused, “What kind of place is this?” But he was too interested in getting revenge on Sailor Moon to care. Launching a blast of ki which vaporized Sailor Ursa Minor he roared, somewhat flustered, to the crowd. “We are marching on the palace tickets or no, any more insolence and your fate will be the same as hers.”
“Yes, Jedite-sama!” They replied in more out of fear than comprehension.
Meanwhile, on the other side of the wall, a rather flustered Kitagawa Keiko ran elegantly away from an overly excited Yuuichiro. Unbeknownst to Yuuichiro and well hidden by her robes Keiko’s butt was wiggling at an insane pace. If she had realized it, her butt wiggle would have been the perfect thing to stop Yuuichiro in his tracks, but the massive nasal blood loss he would have suffered from viewing the spectacle would most likely have turned fatal.
Behind them, Chibiusa emerged from a concession booth sneaking away with a large stash of food in a white sack.
As Haruka’s Ferrari appeared, the three sonic booms saved the now stunned shoppers lives, who would otherwise have been mowed down by the speeding car as they crossed the street.
Haruka stared incredulously at her surroundings as she brought the Ferrari back to a reasonable speed. “This doesn’t look like the future. I thought Crystal Tokyo was supposed to be made of, well, crystal.”
“THAT’S BECAUSE THIS ISN’T THE FUTURE! LOOK AT THE DISPLAY! MUAHAHAHAHAHAAH!” Tomoe laughed hysterically.
Haruka looked at the display, and sure enough the current time read “Feb 29 1992”. “What the [BLEEP].” She yelled as she brought the car to a stop. “I know I set it to the right date. How does 2999 turn into 1992?”
Just then the time displays began to flicker and morph until they spelled the word “HELLO”.
“HUBERT-CHAN?” Tomoe asked.
“PAPA!” The display replied.
“What the [BLEEP]!!? I thought you said that daimon seed just provides power?”
“MOST OF THEM DO, BUT HUBERT-CHAN IS SPECIAL! I USED MY OWN DNA TO MAKE HIM! I FORGOT HE WAS THE DAIMON SEED IN MY POCKET.”
“Do you always keep a daimon seed in your pocket?”
“NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED ONE! MUAHAHAHAHAHAAH!”
“So why the [BLEEP] did he send us to 1992?”
“HE PROBABLY GOT CONFUSED! HUBERT-CHAN ISN’T READY FOR THE REAL WORLD YET! I HAVEN’T TAUGHT HIM ENOUGH!” Professor Tomoe held his hand to the display, “HUBERT-CHAN COME ON OUT OF THERE!”
The daimon seed was unabsorbed by the display, and fell back into Professor Tomoe’s hand. As it did so, the displays went dark again.
“So now we’re stuck here in 1992 without any way to get home?”
“NO PROBLEM, JUST DRIVE US OVER TO MUGEN ACADEMY! I’LL MAKE A NEW DAIMON SEED IN MY LAB!”
“But won’t you already be there, and won’t that change the future?”
“NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT, I’VE ALWAYS WANTED TO MEET MYSELF! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAAH!”
As Haruka began to drive off, she noticed a blonde, odango-haired girl just exiting a crosswalk in front of her.
“Isn’t that neko-chan?” She asked Professor Tomoe.
“IT CERTAINLY LOOKS LIKE HER, AND IT SEEMS SHE’S BEING FOLLOWED BY A BLACK CAT.”
Haruka looked back at the crosswalk, and was barely able to stop before turning the cat into road kill. The cat just stared at the car as it came to a stop, before she fainted.
“Kami-sama, if that was neko-chan, then this cat must be…” Haruka began as she picked up the limp cat. “[BLEEP]! I’ve killed Luna!” She finished after noticing the golden crescent moon.
“SHE’S NOT DEAD,” Tomoe said as he listened to Luna’s chest, “JUST UNCONSCIOUS! I’M NO VET, BUT SHE SHOULD BE FINE AFTER SOME REST.”
“Now we’ve got even bigger problems than being stuck in the past. [BLEEP], I wish I knew when neko-chan first met Luna.”
“WELL, ACCORDING TO JEDITE, THE DARK KINDOM SENT THEIR FIRST YOUMA TO COLLECT ENERGY ON MARCH 1ST BECAUSE THEY FELT A STRANGE ENERGY SOURCE, INSTEAD OF WAITING UNTIL MARCH 7TH* LIKE THEY HAD PLANNED TO!”
*March 7th, 1992 was the airdate of the first episode of Sailor Moon.
Haruka just facefaulted.
“JEDITE AND I WERE REMENISING ABOUT THE BAD OL’ DAYS.”
“Don’t you mean ‘good ol’ days’?” Haruka asked.
“HEY, WE WERE THE BAD GUYS, REMEMBER.”
“So, that means Luna must have originally awakened Sailor Moon today or tomorrow, but now we have just a week to make sure Luna meets neko-chan before the dark kingdom begins its operation, otherwise our future is doomed?” Haruka exclaimed, groaning at the irony.
“I THOUGHT YOU LIKED BACK TO THE FUTURE!”
“As a movie! I didn’t want to actually live it.”
Minako was behind a screen changing out of her Serenity outfit while Hotaru sat on Minako’s bed waiting.
“Sempai, if you’re really that fed up with Usagi-san, you should come back to the past with us.” Hotaru said.
“But I can’t leave Artemis here to suffer, and what about the others.” Minako answered. “If I leave, that would just put more work on their shoulders, and they don’t deserve that.”
“From what it sounds like, they wouldn’t mind coming too. You should give it some thought.”
“But how would we get back? We can’t use the Time Gate, Serenity would never allow it, and Setsuna would get in so much trouble if she let us through.” Minako complained.
“We came here in my father’s time machine, and plan to leave the same way.” Hotaru said before she realized the implication. “Except that we don’t know how it works.” Hotaru facepalmed.
“But how can you not know how it works, you used it to get here.”
“Yuuichiro and Jedite were fighting over Rei-san when Jedite shoved Yuuichiro into the time machine and he hit one of the levers.”
“Masaka! Jedite, from the Dark Kingdom?”
“Yes, it’s a long story, but the important thing is that we’re stuck here, unless we can figure out how to run it, or be able to use the Time Gate.” Hotaru groaned.
“Well, let’s do what you came here for, and then see about getting you home.” Minako emerged from behind the screen and headed for the door.
Minako and Hotaru entered Artemis’ room where they found the white feline crying.
“Artemis, this isn’t the time to be crying. We have to clear your name, right?” Minako asked.
“Minako! Thank you!” Artemis bawled.
“Huh, for what?” Minako asked confused.
“For paying off the guards to bring me here instead of that awful basement.” Artemis wailed.
“Oh that, it was nothing.” Minako replied as Hotaru sweatdropped.
“Well, my father’s DNA tester looks fairly straightforward.” Hotaru interjected as she looked over the device. “We just need blood samples from you, Luna, and Diana.”
“They’re in the refrigerator.” Artemis replied pointing a paw in its direction.
“Eeeewwwwwwwwww!” Minako cried.
“Dare I ask why you have blood samples in your personal refrigerator?” Hotaru asked with a finger pressed to her forehead.
“I had Ami take them after the failed test because I knew I’d need them, but I had to keep them somewhere that Luna wouldn’t look.”
Hotaru retrieved the samples, and fed them to the machine. It whirred, buzzed, and clicked for a few minutes, and finally produced a result.
“According to this, Artemis is undoubtedly the father, and Luna is most definitely the mother.” Hotaru interpreted.
“I don’t believe it for a second! Artemis would get anyone to say anything to clear his name.” Said a voice from the doorway. “Artemis no baka!”
“LUNA!” Artemis cried as Luna ran from the room. Artemis leapt toward the door, and chased after the fleeing feline. As they left, a guard arrived.
“Aino-san, has Serenity-sama been here?” The guard asked.
“Why, what’s going on?” Minako asked back.
“A man named Jedite who claims to be the leader of the Neo-Dark Kingdom is demanding Serenity-sama show herself, and she was last seen coming in this direction.”
“Jedite!!?” Hotaru exclaimed. “How did he get here!?”
“Come on Hotaru-chan, let’s see what’s going on.”
“VERY GOOD CHILD, YOU HAVE PLEASED THE RIKA. BUT THIS MEAGER OFFERING WILL NOT SATISFY FOR LONG. THE TIME HAS COME FOR THE RIKA TO RISE AND DEVOUR.”
Jedite stood with his army of cosplayers at the ready. They had crashed the gate with ease, and demanded Neo Queen Serenity show herself for a final showdown.
“Jedite, what are you doing?” Hotaru yelled as she and Minako ran toward the plaza.
“Stay out of this pale one!” Jedite answered. “I will have my revenge on Sailor Moon and fulfill my evil desires. Victory will be…”
At that moment, Jedite was crushed by a suddenly appearing and most definitely speeding Ferrari.
“Rei-sama…” Jedite sighed.
“No.” Hotaru said. “That’s Kitagawa Keiko. She’s been watching over you since Haruka carried you in.”
“She’s even hotter than Rei.” Jedite said, coming to his senses. “YOU shall be my incredibly hot girlfriend.”
“Unlikely.” Keiko said as she slapped Jedite and stormed off.
“One day… One day.” Jedite called after her. “So what are you doing here, child of darkness?”
“I healed you after the accident!” Hotaru said annoyed.
Jedite looked up, to see that Hotaru was in fact transformed into Sailor Saturn. As he tried to sit up, a sharp pain hit his head accompanied by a rush of memories. Traveling through the vortex on the outside of the TURDIS, slaughtering those weakling senshi, and staring directly into the headlights of Haruka’s Ferrari for a split second, all flashed through his mind as he fell back down onto the bed.
Just then, Jedite felt someone shaking him.
“I’m alright!” He yelled. “You can stop shaking me now!”
“That’s not me,” Hotaru replied, “it’s the building.”
As the building stopped shaking, Artemis burst into the room.
“Both of you follow me, we have major trouble.”
“I’ve just been run down by a Ferrari while trying to exterminate your Queen, why should I help you?” Jedite asked.
“Because if you don’t come help, this building and everything in it, including you, will be turned into rubble.” Artemis replied, the building shaking once more as if to prove the point.
“You make a convincing argument feline.” Jedite said as he got up.
Artemis, Jedite, and Hotaru rushed outside where they saw the cause of the shaking.
Just then, from behind the Crystal Palace came a 500-ft tall monster.
“Kami-sama! It’s Hama Chisaki!” Yelled a Sailor Luna cosplayer.
The monster picked up the cosplayer and boomed, “THE NAME IS ‘RIKA’! DON’T YOU FORGET IT!” Then proceeded to swallow the offender whole.
“THE RIKA DEMANDS FOOD.” She said as she smashed a giant arm into a nearby building, grabbing a chunk of it and shoving it in her mouth. “THE RIKA SHALL DEVOUR YOUR CITY.”
Haruka busied herself with making sure her Ferrari, with Professor Tomoe still in the passenger’s seat, was out of range and sight of the beast while Ami, Rei, Makoto, and Minako showed up from various places and transformed.
MERCURY STAR POWER… MARS STAR POWER… JUPITER STAR POWER… VENUS STAR POWER… MAKE UP!
The senshi began launching attacks Rika, but succeeded only in keeping her from eating any more of the city.
“Our attacks aren’t having any significant effect!” Mercury cried.
“We just have to keep trying.” Jupiter replied. “She has to buckle eventually.”
Meanwhile, Keiko confronted the distracted Rika, an Ofuda ready to hand.
“Rin, Pyo, Tou, Sha…” Keiko began chanting; but at that moment, a break in the senshis’ attacks gave Rika enough time to notice Keiko and start to grab for her.
“EVERYONE ALWAYS LIKED YOU BETTER.” She boomed as she reached for the chanting Keiko. However, just as Rika’s giant hand closed in, a white and blue streak tackled Keiko to safety. Yuuichiro landed on top of Keiko several dozen yards away from the gigantic Rika.
“Rei-sama…” Yuuichiro said still lying on top of Keiko.
“Thank you for saving me, but for the last time, stay away from me you creepy man!” She said as she stuck the Ofuda to Yuuichiro’s face and walked off, holding her right side where he slammed into her. Between his overgrown bangs, and the Ofuda causing havoc in his brain, Yuuichiro could only see vague blurry shapes. For once in his life, he had the great fortune to crawl his way to Haruka’s Ferrari before he lost consciousness again.
The senshi resumed their attacks as Haruka returned, and Artemis, Jedite, and Saturn emerged from the Palace.
“[BLEEP} she’s huge!” Haruka exclaimed.
“You’d better transform Haruka-poppa, the other senshi need our help.” Saturn said surveying the scene.
“Right! Artemis, take cover by my Ferrari. URANUS PLANET POWER, MAKE UP!” Haruka cried as Saturn ran off to join the battle.
Artemis ran for safety as Haruka transformed into Uranus.
“Every time I see that, I am less and less impressed.” Jedite remarked to Uranus.
“Soon as this is over, you and I are gonna go a couple rounds, now come on!” Haruka shot back.
“What makes you think I’m helping?”
“Because if you don’t not only will your ride back to the past get crushed and eaten, but also your precious ‘Rei-sama’.”
“Ha! I’m over that fire spewing wench. Kitagawa Keiko-sama is my future incredibly hot girlfriend.”
“Well, she’ll get eaten too. In fact, I just saw Yuuichiro tackle her away from Rika’s hand.”
“Damn you senshi and your logic!” Jedite yelled in frustration. “I’ll help, but you owe me one.”
“We’ll see.” Haruka said as the two of them joined the fray.
MERCURY AQUA RHAPSODY… MARS FLAME SNIPER… JUPITER OAK EVOLUTION… VENUS LOVE AND BEAUTY SHOCK… SILENCE GLAIVE SURPRISE!!
The senshi were launching attack after attack, but aside from causing her some minor cuts and bruises, the only effect on Rika so far was to make her lose her balance and crash into more buildings, crushing them into rubble.
“Moh! This isn’t working!” Venus complained.
“Let me try something more powerful. Cover me.” Saturn said.
“Hai!” The other senshi responded.
Saturn sent her silence glaive back to its extra-dimensional space, and placed her hands in front of her in a familiar pose. “SATURN KAMEHAME…” She began as a rolling ball of black and purple ki grew from a point to the size of a basketball between her hands. “…HA!!!” The ball became the head of a beam that shot out and plunged straight into Rika’s midsection. Rika grabbed her stomach where the beam hit and staggered backwards, tripping over and crushing one building and causing a fairly major earthquake which demolished several other buildings.
Saturn released the beam once Rika fell out of its range, and fell to her knees. She hadn’t had enough experience with the attack yet to weather it well.
“SAILOR SATURN!!” The other senshi cried as she dropped.
“I’m alright, that attack is just extremely draining. I’ll be fine in a bit.”
As the senshi were busy tending to Saturn, Rika rose from the ground, and began to laugh. “YOU THINK A LITTLE ENERGY BEAM WILL STOP THE RIKA!!” The attack had in fact caused a large wound on Rika’s torso, but it was not nearly enough to stop her. “THE RIKA WILL DEVOUR ALL OF YOU, STARTING WITH THE DELICIOUS LOOKING PURPLE ONE.” Rika walked forward and extended a pudgy arm towards Saturn while the other senshi prepared to defend her.
WORLD… SHAKING!!
The ground shook violently, and a few more buildings crumbled to the ground while a ringed orange globe surrounded by several dark ki bolts soared toward Rika. The globe and ki bolts found their mark, causing Rika to stagger back once more, and giving the senshi time to launch another round of attacks.
SHINE AQUA ILLUSION… BURNING MANDALA… SPARKLING WIDE PRESSURE… VENUS LOVE-ME CHAIN!!
Rika staggered to the side, and collapsed onto the last building still standing, with the exception of the crystal palace itself. As Uranus and Jedite joined the other senshi, Rika began to laugh, shaking the remains of the city.
“[BLEEP] this isn’t working at all!” Haruka exclaimed. “Where the [BLEEP] is Serenity and that [BLEEP]ing Silver Crystal!?”
“We don’t know.” An exhausted Mars said. “She was last seen heading toward the senshis’ quarters, but disappeared after that.”
Venus sweatdropped.
“You let that monster loose on the city. You fed it and tended to it.” Serenity replied stopping for a moment. “We are very angry with you for that. In the name of Crystal Tokyo, we shall punish you!” Serenity resumed spanking Chibiusa.
Chibiusa willed the Luna-P over her mother’s head. “lona-p hanshen!” In a puff of smoke, the Luna-P became a small black anvil, which rendered Serenity unconscious in a rather comical manner, as well as causing a large swollen knob on her head.
Chibiusa ran from the cave to join her “Queen”, the Luna-P following her as usual.
“No way Ten’ou. Not going to happen.” Jedite yelled back. “Once was enough for me.”
“Look, I feel the same way about it, but it’s the only way to defeat her.” Uranus said.
“Why do you want to defeat her so much, I thought you hated Serenity?” Jedite asked annoyed.
“Yes, but I hate PGSM even more.” Uranus yelled in response. “And a 500 foot tall Hama Chisaki is one thing the world doesn’t need; past, present, or future!”
“You are really going to owe me after this Ten’ou.” Jedite said as the two of them began to pose. He couldn’t stand the thought of a 500 foot tall Hama Chisaki either, at least not one that wasn’t in his thrall.
“FUUUUU…” Uranus and Jedite began.
“What are they doing?” The senshi asked Saturn.
“Kami-sama! They’re going to fuse into Jeruka!” Saturn exclaimed.
“JERUKA!!!???” The senshi asked in utter shock and confusion.
“…UUUUUUSION…HAA!” Uranus and Jedite finished.
“SILENT WALL!!” Saturn yelled just in time to save herself and the rest of the senshi from the resulting explosion that was all too near.
From the midst of the smoke and dust stepped the haunting figure of Jeruka. Without the slightest hint of fear, Jeruka walked straight up to the now kneeling Rika, levitated to her face and boomed, “You will have the great fortune to be the opponent of the mighty Jeruka! Your doom is near! Prepare yourself!” Having delivered the speech, Jeruka extended an arm, and b[BLEEP]chslapped Rika, sending her flying backwards several hundred yards, but otherwise only leaving a mark on her enormous cheek.
After getting back to her feet, Rika declared. “YOU’RE A FIESTY LITTLE ONE! THAT PLEASES THE RIKA; I LIKE MY FOOD TO HAVE SOME KICK!”
True to the nature of bad taste, Jeruka took the opportunity to kick Rika square in the jaw. Rika finally understood that she had met her equal, and that she would have to fight, and fight hard for her meal.
“SO BE IT!” Rika screamed as she launched her formidable form at the levitating Jeruka. Jeruka just floated there waiting, and dodged at the last second causing Rika to do a belly flop right toward where the senshi were standing who were still watching, stunned.
Saturn at least had the presence of mind to yell, “RUN!!” And the senshi managed to scatter before they were utterly crushed. Mercury, Mars, and Jupiter took refuge near the Crystal Palace, while Saturn and Venus wound up by Haruka’s Ferrari.
Rika regained her composure, and her feet, and launched a massive right hook towards Jeruka. Jeruka held out a hand and caught the massive flesh rocket, bringing it to a sudden stop.
The battle raged on for another twenty minutes, with neither side gaining any kind of advantage. From somewhere deep within the recesses of Jeruka’s fused brain, Jedite said to Haruka, “Well, what now Ten’ou, were running out of time, and we haven’t even made a dent.”
Haruka shot back, “How was I supposed to know her hide was this tough. I haven’t lived for a thousand years, unlike some people.”
“Hey, I lived for 10,000 years, but most of that was spent fr… was very cold.” Jedite retorted, his fear of ice still evident.
“So what’ll we do?”
Just then, the answer presented itself, in the form of a pink haired child. “hoyl sit. wat da fick r u dong 2 mi quin?”
Jeruka was momentarily distracted trying to decipher the babbling incoherent speech, giving Rika the opportunity to attack, and feed her desires at the same time. She grabbed Jeruka in the palm of her giant hand, and swallowed the fused fighter whole.
The senshi could only look on in shock. The most powerful fighter in the universe, the most powerful one within a few parsecs at least, had been devoured by their enemy. All hope seemed lost.
But this was just the opportunity Jeruka needed. No longer protected by Rika’s hardened flesh, her vital organs were in immediate danger from Jeruka’s ki blasts now. Jeruka set about blasting out of Rika’s stomach, to get to the more sensitive organs.
Rika, after having consumed her repast, was overwhelmed by the most massive case of heartburn in the history of the earth. “THE RIKA NEEDS SOMETHING TO SETTLE HER STOMACH.” She mused. The only morsel in sight was Chibiusa. Rika did not care that Chibiusa had cared for her and brought her food, she didn’t even remember clearly, right now she just needed an antacid.
“FAK, FAK, FAK!!” Chibiusa screamed, as the giant pudgy arm headed her direction. She started to run, and was saved only by fact that Rika was overcome by her heartburn at the crucial moment. The Luna-P was not so lucky. It’s final thoughts before it was dissolved in Rika’s stomach were “A curse on the pink haired b[BLEEP]ch, may she be shunned by her friends and family for years to come.”
Chibiusa ran, crying. Her mother was pissed off at her, her queen had tried to eat her, and her father never paid attention to her. “I went 2 gat ot ov har.” She intoned to herself. Just then, she tripped over the unconscious Yuuichiro, and spotted Haruka’s Ferrari.
“harackra si gong bak 2 da pest, moshshshshshshs.” Chibiusa realized, and laughed as she hid herself in the trunk. The other senshi were too caught up in Rika’s wild stumbling to notice, and Professor Tomoe had been, and was still, taking the opportunity to talk to Hubert.
Rika’s innards were on fire from Jeruka’s attacks. She was wobbling back and forth and desperately wanted to steady herself. In her desperation, she grabbed the only large object within sight, the Crystal Palace. As Rika grabbed it, the side of the palace crumbled inward, not being designed to handle that kind of force. The senshi at the base of the palace ran in fear, they had no desire to be crushed. With her expected steadying device crumbling under her arm, Rika succumbed to gravity’s pull, and fell into the remains of the palace.
She lay there for only another moment before Jeruka massed a powerful blast that blew Rika’s torso apart like dynamite does to a beached whale. For months afterward, the entirety of the city was covered in her foul rotting innards. Mercury, Mars, and Jupiter were fortunate enough to have run into the forest, while Saturn protected the car and its inhabitants with another Silent Wall.
Jeruka levitated over the carcass, and laughed for precisely fifteen seconds, before splitting back into Uranus and Jedite. Both Senshi and Dark General began to fall, until Jedite began to levitate, and for reasons he could not understand, reached out a hand to help the falling Uranus.
“I am going soft!” Jedite thought to himself, but saved speculation for later. Now was the time to leave this depressing vision of the future, and return to their lives.
Jedite and the now detransformed Haruka hurried to the Ferrari where the others were waiting similarly detransformed.
“We’re coming with you.” Minako stated holding Artemis. “I’m sick of always playing Serenity, and sick of this abusement park of torture.”
For once, no one tried to correct Minako. They all got the feeling she meant exactly what she said.
“And I need to get away from Luna for a while. Until she calms down…” Artemis added.
“Next stop, the twenty-first century!” Haruka yelled. Hotaru, despite reservations, sat on her father’s lap for the trip, while Minako, holding Artemis, and Jedite flanked the still unconscious Yuuichiro in the back seat.
As Haruka tried to enter the date, the displays died yet again. The daimon seed popping out and cracking apart, while a black spirit flew out and dissolved.
“Tomoe, what the hell!?” Haruka asked annoyed.
“DIDN’T I TELL YOU? THAT DAIMON SEED WAS ONLY GOOD FOR ONE TRIP! DON’T WORRY, I BROUGHT MORE!”
Tomoe reached into his pocket only to realize it was the one Hotaru was leaning against. He pulled out several crushed daimon seeds.
“G[BLEEP]AMNIT! Now we’re stuck in the future!? How many times is this going to happen!?” Haruka couldn’t take much more of this.
“I’m going to have to hear this story, Ten’ou.” Jedite mused from the back seat.
“I STILL HAVE ONE LEFT HARUKA-KUN!” Tomoe produced a daimon seed, and placed it in the displays. They immediately morphed to read, “HI, PAPA.”
“Hubert…” Haruka groaned.
“PAPA!!?” Hotaru asked incredulously
“I’LL EXPLAIN LATER. HUBERT-CHAN, WE NEED TO GO TO 2003, CAN YOU DO THIS FOR PAPA?”
The displays changed back to showing the three times they usually did, with the destination rolling like a slot machine. When it settled down, the correct date was shown.
As Haruka started the car, Sailor Pluto, late for the first and only time in her life, was just emerging from the still intact basement of the Crystal Palace where she had been conversing with Endymion, and had missed the call to battle.
Jedite noticed the flustered Senshi of Time and decided she needed a good taunting for all that ogling she did of him.
“Ha!” He yelled to make sure she heard. “Who would have thought the Time Hag would actually be late somewhere!”
Between her frustration with Serenity, and her frustration over being late, Pluto finally cracked. “DEAD SCREAM!!” The usually whispered attack phrase exploding violently from her lungs.
As the ringed purple globe hurled toward Jedite, he wondered why the car wasn’t moving.
“[BLEEP]! It’s out of gas!” Haruka said, answering Jedite’s mental query.
“Put it in neutral!” Jedite yelled as he produced a ki shield and pointed it at the approaching globe.
“It is, in n…” Haruka began as the attack connected with the shield and quickly accelerated the car, while Jedite tried desperately not to be blown out, or up.
The car reached 188MPH, and vanished into the past, leaving the globe free to smash through three different clock shops, before it finally dissipated in the midst of the now wrecked Neo Tokyo 7 government time agency.
The remaining senshi gathered in front of the ruins of the Crystal Palace as Serenity stumbled her way toward them, the bump on her head still swollen.
“One, two, three, four…” Serenity counted. “There should be five of you. Where is Sailor…? Sailor…?” Serenity mumbled, still slightly concussed.
“Venus?” Mercury replied helpfully.
“Yes. Where is she?” Serenity demanded.
“Venus left with Saturn and Uranus to live in the past again.” Mars began.
“And we want to go back as well.” Makoto continued.
“No, this is our destiny. This is where we will stay.” Serenity replied. “Pluto, return to the Time Gate. Time travel is now banned without our express permission.”
Pluto was glad to go, as Endymion was waiting for her, and with Serenity distracted, they would have some time alone.
“Look around Serenity-sama. The city is destroyed. The future world is a sham, and you would know that if you ever did any work.” Mercury cried. “I’m sick of being an accountant.”
“And a fortune teller.” Mars said.
“And a carnie.” Makoto finished.
“We will not be denied our rightful place as ruler of the world! Nor our faithful servants!” She declared as she clicked some bracelets in place on her forearms. “Your a[BLEEP]es are all mine!” She yelled as the bracelets shot forth yellow balls of energy.
The senshi screamed as their starseeds were extracted and floated to Serenity’s hands. With a click of her fingers, bracelets appeared on the senshis’ arms, and their eyes became solid colors, pupil-less and vacant.
“MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAAH!!” Serenity chortled as the senshi mindlessly began the long task of rebuilding the city.
“YOU DID WELL HUBERT-CHAN!” Tomoe said petting the daimon seed. Hubert chirped back at him happily.
“So you were stuck in the past with a faulty daimon seed, and had to get Luna to awaken Usagi-san before the Dark Kingdom took over the earth?” Hotaru asked, confused as Minako nodded beside her.
“You couldn’t have helped your buddy Jedite.” Jedite said. “You couldn’t have just let the Dark Kingdom take over the world.”
“Dude, would you really want to be Beryl’s b[BLEEP]ch for all eternity? I did you a favor.” Haruka shot back. “Besides, if the Dark Kingdom had taken over, I wouldn’t have met Michi. I couldn’t let that happen.”
“She’s out trying to take over the world. She knocked down the house. Do you really want that?” Jedite replied.
“Yes!” Haruka said firmly. “Out of curiosity,” she asked, “when did you send out your first youma?”
“March 7th, 1992, like we had always planned.” Jedite thought back to that day. “That blasted Sailor Moon just happened to show up the same day.” Jedite grumbled to himself.
“You had all the time in the world to get to the future, and you forgot to fill the tank with gas?” Minako asked.
“Hey! I spent a week trying to get a brain dead klutz and a talking cat that wasn’t supposed to meet me for a year together! I just wanted out of there.” Haruka replied.
“IT WORKED OUT THOUGH. ALL WE NEEDED WAS A LITTLE ‘PLUTONIUM’! MUAHAHAHA…” Tomoe was clocked in mid-chortle by the Big-Assed Key.
“What the hell are you doing here?” Haruka asked before she realized that Pluto was not in fact around.
“I was never here.” Pluto replied from nowhere.
“[BLEEP]! I hope she doesn’t keep pulling that s[BLEEP]t.”
“So what are we going to do about a house, Haruka-poppa?” Hotaru asked, surveying the rubble again.
“Eh, we’ll figure out something.”
Just then Chibiusa popped open the trunk of the Ferrari and jumped out. “im frii fum dat bich saraniti! Im gong 2 liv wit yuo gyus new!”
Hotaru thought back to her earlier conversation with Minako, and did the only thing she could… vomit.