Casa Del Kaioh, (Ten'Ainou House, Ten'ou part) Sunny Japan

"The sea is restless..." she intoned, a look of fear creeping into her eyes, chilling her elegantly refined soul.

"dats rite bich," came a sinister hiss from above.

Michiru looked up, only to see the briefest glimpse of a pink conical odango sticking out from the corner of a black, ski-masked covered head before a plastic moon stick smashed into the side of her skull and it all went black.

Ten'Aino House, Aino Part, Azabu-Juuban

"This is horrible!! This is horrible!!" Minako exclaimed, shoving a picture into Artemis' face. It showed Michiru bound and gagged, with several muscle-bound mandroids standing astride her, scimitars at the ready to slash her throat. The note had some cut out newspaper clipping pasted on it to form words.

"if u evar went 2 c ur belovad machiru again u batter gav mi 1 mallion dolaers fackrs", Artemis sounded out, doing his best to try and read the note.

"God, that's so illiterate," Artemis muttered. "Who the heck writes like this?"*

* Common sense discarded as the plot demands!

"No idea," Minako murmured. "It seems familiar, but..."

"Well we have to rescue her!" Artemis snapped. "It's time for you to assume the mantle of Sailor V once again!" He assumed a dramatic pose. "For great justice! The idol soldier returns!"

"I can't," Minako said absently, looking at her watch. "I have a date with X-chan tonight."

Artemis simply facefaulted.

As Minako went off to get ready for her night out, the Lunar cat made his way out of the house, absent-mindedly wandering across Azabu-Juuban as he wracked his brain for a solution to the problem. Kaioh Michiru, the Goddess of the Sea was missing, and without her light, the world would surely descend into chaos!*

* Please deposit the check into account number [BLEEP] Ms. Kaioh.

"OH MY GOD!" Artemis exclaimed out loud, sitting by a table in human form at Crown Fruit Parlour.

"Problem?" A male waiter asked, as Artemis banged his head on the table.

"The greatest Artist in the world, Kaioh Michiru-- she's been kidnapped!" Artemis wailed. "It's a threat to the security of Japan!" *

*No one ever said this was going to make any sense whatsoever*

"Sounds bad," the blonde waiter nodded, putting down a green creme soda in front of the distressing white-haired bishounen.

"It's incredibly bad, and the one woman who could do anything about it is too worried about her social life!" Artemis complained, knocking back the drink with one shot. "If only I could find someone to help!"

"You got money?" The waiter asked.

"I can always get a ton of Mina's money, she never balances her checkbook," Artemis mused out loud.

"Then--" the waiter replied, grinning, ripping off his outfit to reveal a slick tan suit jacket, black blouse and slacks, and his true identity as the very female Ten'ou Haruka-- "You just got yourself the H-Team!"*

* So named for Haruka's initial. Yes, puns intended.

In the Autumn of 1996 a bunch of former superheroines and villains were knocked off television for a ratings crime they did not commit. These people promptly escaped from a maximum security pit of unending reruns to the Tokyo underground. Still worshipped by fansubbers today, they live as soldiers of fortune. If you have a problem-- if no one else can help-- and if you can find them-- maybe you can hire... The H-Team.

Ten'Aino House, Ten'ou Part, Azabu-Juuban - Garage

"You're the H-Team," Artemis asked dimly, looking over at Haruka, Jedite, Professor Tomoe, and Elios.

"I'm the brains, Jed is the conman, Elios is the brawn and Prof here is our mad genius who does the unpredictable s[BLEEP]t."

Haruka stood by a large conversion van painted in Cammo with the letters "H-Team" airbrushed in high quality graffiti on the side.

"Nice Huh?" Elios asked, patting the side of the van. "I got dis from a honey who just couldn't git enougha da black stallion if you know what I mean."

"Look, we gotta get Michiru back," Artemis insisted.

"I don't see what the problem is," Jedite huffed. "It's only Kaioh."

"The PROBLEM IS I WON'T GET ANY!" Haruka exploded, grabbing Jedite by the shoulders and shaking him frantically.

"I still don't see the problem," Jedite muttered. "There's a produce vending machine down the road."

"No man this is an insult to the family honor!" Haruka insisted, rolling up her sleeves and getting into the van as Elios hopped into the driver's seat.

"But we don't know where to go!" Artemis protested.

"SURE WE DO!" Professor Tomoe exclaimed. "JUST CHECK THE RETURN ADDRESS ON THE HOSTAGE NOTE! MUAHAHAHAHAAHAH!"

"Let's get this party started, punks!" Elios exclaimed, flooring the accelerator and smashing the van out of the garage in a thunderous explosion of lumber.

MUSIC START - "BAD BAD MAN" by John Cena and the Trademarcs

Aww, you done did it now
Chaos you shoulda put this one in the vault man!
They not ready - they don't know what's comin man!

The H-Team van roared out onto the open roads of Tokyo, smashing aside apple carts and roadside vendors, going on the opposite side of the road and causing oncoming traffic to veer madly out of the way, cars flipping over and busting into flame in its wake.

Oh we gonna drop this on 'em right here
Y'all ain't ready for this, Y'ALL AIN'T READY FOR NONE OF THIS!

After a radical star-wars style wipe dissolve, the H-Team van screeched to a halt in front of "Disposable Minion's Bar and Grill."

Your boy's a bad man, and we invadin the streets

With the wind rustling ominously, Haruka, the Professor, Elios and Jedite strode forth from the van, the camera circling around them with cool techno beats playing in the background.

A Generic Flunkie guarding the front door (identified by the label "Generic Flunkie" on his shirt) briefly considered challenging the four.

Elios narrowed his eyes and compressed the bones of his left fist in his right hand.

Make unclever rappers scurred, they be droppin the heat

The Generic flunkie evacuated his bowels and fled.

Haruka kicked the door to the seedy bar down and confidently walked in, sitting a bar surrounded by at least 10 Generic Flunkies (w/T-shirt)

"Gimme a Beer," Haruka asked confidently as Jedite and the others entered and fanned out discreetly.

"We don't serve your kind here," the Bartender said with a dark chuckle, rubbing the "Bartender" button on his apron.

"And what kind would that be," Haruka asked suavely as the 10 Generic flunkies stood and produced switchblades, clicking them open.

"Dead... meat," the Bartender replied with a smile.

The next Second Haruka had leapt up out of her chair, leapt over the bar, grabbed a bottle of jack Daniels, and smashed it over the bartender's head.

Shocked the world, now I'm standin alone

Elios licked his lips and charged forwards, uppercutting two flunkies at once in the stomach, throwing them up in the air, and then spinkicking two more over the bar.

I flip fools like them clamshell cellular phones

Jedite grabbed a flunkie and hurled him around in the air by his ankles.

You can't help but nod your head to the track

Professor Tomoe walked over to a guy who had just given a waitress his phone number by sticking it in her cleavage. Taking the number out, he copied it down, then stuck the card in a glass of everclear and set it on fire, casually tossing it behind his back into some flunkies as Jedite's plaything crashed into them, knocking them down like bowling pins

f[BLEEP]k the watered down rap, we be takin it back

The sound of a door slamming in the back could be heard as someone tried to make their escape. Haruka and Elios looked at each other, and nodded, bounding out the back door.

Give it to me straight - ain't no chasin it

The person trying to run away froze as a "World Shaking" attack almost hit them in the feet.

Check yourself in the mirror - ain't no facin it

Turning around, "Head Goon" was revealed-- Furuhata Motoki.

Cause you, playin the role and you plannin to fold

"You'll never stop us!" Motoki bellowed, reaching behind his back and producing a huge turtle shell., which he swung around him in a kung-fu grip, releasing it like a discus. He then leapt up and jumped on its surface, rocketing away. "You'll NEVER WIN!"

This the masterplan, we got the planet on hold
We all over the streets like your favorite sneaker
Breakin up your sound like a drive-through speaker
Everything that I be spittin is strong

Motoki began to laugh hysterically, the laughter stopping short as he coughed and gasped, the sight of his pure heart being blasted out of his chest causing him to widen his eyes just before he fell off the shell, smashing into the ground as Elios gave the Prof a thumbs up.

Tomoe grinned widely and got out the shiny silver torture peeler.

After I rock, fast forward through the rest of the song

"NOW SAY AHHH...." Tomoe asked jovially, as Elios pried open Motoki's jaw. "MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAH!"

"I'll tell you anything you want to know!!!" Motoki screamed. "I WET MY SHORTS IN GYM AT UNIVERSITY!"

We the monkeywrench, that's gonna ruin your plan
And don't f[BLEEP]k with John Cena - I'm a BAD, BAD MAN

With the mic in my hands I'm a bad man

The H-Team van roared down the streets of Tokyo once again. An overhead map showed them following a confused, convoluted trail to a spot marked "HIDEOUT" on the other end.

As the van passed a stoplight, two police mandroids on their bikes nodded to each other and began to pursue the van.

Elios narrowed his eyes as he saw the mandroids in the rear view mirror, their mouths opening to reveal machine guns which began firing.

Spinning the van tightly by grabbing the emergency brake, he smashed one of the bikes hard in front, sending it and its rider up into the air.

The bike exploded into a fireball.

Even in a fight with the hands I'm a bad man

As the van slowed to a stop, the second bike curved back and began to zoom towards it.

Livin in the streets all my life I'm a bad man

Haruka climbed out of the H-Team Van and slung herself onto the roof, shooting a Space Sword blaster at the bike Sentai style. There was a shower of sparks in the road and the bike exploded in a thermonuclear fireball.

I'm a bad man, I'm a bad man

The H-team van burst though an ornate gate, zooming into the grounds of a completely unbelievable south American mansion located just within spitting distance of Tokyo Tower. Immediately, it came under fire and ground to a halt. A mandroid army began their mad advance.

The Professor and the others got out the right side of the van, using the left as a kind of shield while the Prof handed out his "toys" to the Team.

We devils - rockin ambient levels

Elios turned up his ghettoblaster to 11 and shook a phalanx of the mandroids apart.

We set loose among hot tunes to instrumentals

Professor Tomoe laughed madly, pulled out a slingshot with some diamon seeds, and infected some more mandroids, who dropped to the ground clutching their stomachs as the hideous demon creatures erupted from them and flew off, chittering.

And cats got one-liners, I drop several

Jedite floated off the ground and grabbed a Mandroid by the head and held it in place, turning it so its mouth-machine gun mowed down its compatriots. Still, the implacable foes marched forwards.

And I think it's funny you choose, losin progress
or runnin in place; we makin moves, and y'all settle

Elios leapt off the top of the van into the sea of mandroids like Vin Diesel into a mosh pit, taking them down bareknuckle style, ripping the arm off one which looked like Wayne Newton.

I rip rappers and take responsibility

Elios swung the arm around in a wide arc and decapitated 20 mandroids in a row, who fell over twitching.

for makin future hall-of-famers look third rate

The Mandroids looked at each other in confusion. They finally knew fear and began to step back en masse.

Y'all are lost for words like conversation on your worst first date
and ride beats, creep through side streets

Elios smirked and cracked his knuckles again.

Looseleaf notepads that's where rhymes leak

The mandroids began to flee madly as Professor Tomoe gave chase with a giant electromagnet strapped to his back.

Haruka, seeing her chance, ran into the fortress of Evil^TM and wandered the halls quickly. Suddenly, she saw Michiru, bound and gagged, being guarded by a mandroid version of Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. The mandroid cracked its neck and prepared to get all "game of death" with Haruka.

As Michiru's eyes widened and she screamed through her gag for Haruka to run, Haruka simply chuckled and tossed her Space Sword to the side.

The mandroid looked at this curiously, laughed and came closer.

As it stepped over the sword, Haruka pulled out a remote from her jacket and pressed the button, blowing up the fake sword.

Punchlines - man, don't even beg
I got knee-slappin tracks, y'all brusin your leg

The Mandroid screamed and toppled over as its master, looking down from the shadows shook a fist into the sky angrily for a moment and then fled to her backup location.

You a rhyme writer - funny man, that's a joke
You ain't worthy of bein my secretary man that's a quote
I flood tracks like cracks in boats
And p[BLEEP]y rappers choked up with they own lines in they throat

Haruka suavely walked over to Michiru and untied the blushing blue-haired vixen.

"Rrowr," Haruka intoned as the sounds of death and carnage from the battle outside filled the room.

"Me love you long time," Michiru rasped in total desire as she pressed herself to Haruka, wanting, needing, etc.

TURN UP THE MICROPHONE and feed me I'm a beast

"Hail to the King, Baby," Haruka replied, lowering the both of them to the ground as a rouge mandroid head smashed into the room from outside, sailing right over their heads.

MC's and they beats is what I eat, 16 I'll leave you in the street

"OH YES! THAT'S THE LOCATION, MY RACER!"

My rhymes are sicker than gangrene in both feet

"That bends that way?!"

It's spreadin up the leg, and headed for the head

"HARUKA! HARUKA! HARUKA! I AM OVERCOME!"

Five minutes later

SUBTITLE: EVAL NANJA CHABIUSA TSKINO

Haruka cocked an eyebrow.

Chibiusa ripped off her mask and laughed, whipping out nunchucks.

Your rhymes are whack your style is proof that the brain corrosion
is f[BLEEP]kin with your chosen flows, I'm nice with mics

Haruka baseball slid and knocked the feet out from under her, remembering the cheap s[BLEEP]t she used to pull in the superS game.

My hands'll break your nose like Mikey Tyson
Fightin in his prime, one rhyme

"FACKING SIT!!11!" Chibiusa screamed, as Haruka grabbed her under the arms and lifted her up. She tried to smash Haruka in the head with a nunchuck, But Haruka caught it in one hand and waggled her finger in Chibiusa's face "no" like Hulk Hogan. Chibiusa bit the finger.

Haruka responded by smacking her lights out.

And I shake up the room one time, BOOM! To the jaw

Grabbing her Pink Moon Kaleidoscope from inside her ninja suit, Chibiusa fired a pink sugar heart attack into Haruka's face, causing the taller woman to drop her.

Your face is a coat type raw

As Joey Styles screamed "catfight!" the two rolled around on the ground trading kicks and punches and losing various bits of clothing in the vicious scuffle.

And the blood and snot they mix, jelly on the floor
My love is cop them bricks, belly on the floor

Haruka straddled Chibiusa and reared up, ready to smash her head in with a potted plant that had been left lying around, but then Chibiusa summoned her ultimate weapon-- using a Pokeball, she chose LUNA-P, the l33t orb of death.

I rob you, you soft and you really ain't a problem
I solve you, 357 long nose revolve you

The Luna-P hovered in Haruka's face, ready to bite it off whole. But then, a huge slap to the ears from Jedite popped it, and the ball vanished.

Chibiusa paled as she suddenly found herself facing the whole H-Team, which was standing over her, glowering.

Acid in your face, bad look, dissolve you
I'm a bad, bad man

"Game's up, Squirt," Haruka said confidently.

"Oh no it isn't!" a voice cried out from the rafters.

Looking up, the H-Team found themselves staring at the shadowy overboss---

Yeah, check it out
It's Bumpy Knuckles baby
And I want you to say hello to the BAD, BAD, MAN - C'MON!

--Aino Minako.

"Mina?!" Artemis cried out, completely confused as to how he was suddenly back in the plot after all these paragraphs.

"That's right!!" Minako exclaimed. "I'm the one who set up this super 1980's plot to kidnap Michiru-san!!"

"But why!?" Haruka demanded. "WHY?!"

Suddenly the whole room lit up and balloons and confetti fell from the sky.

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY HARUKA-SAN!!!" Minako exclaimed as the people started to groove.

"It's not my birthday," Haruka protested, as lingerie-clad Michiru fed her some lemon pie.

"Clerical error. Don't ask too many questions," Minako snapped, frowning. "Just take it for what it is."

"Oh I am," Haruka moaned, pulling Michiru down on top of her and getting out the lemon creme. 'I am! this is gonna be the best 5 minutes of my life!!"

two minutes Later

"So you can get the cialis online with credit cards, right?" Haruka asked the Internet spam king as she rubbed her red cheek, raw from where Michiru had slapped it.