EPISODE SG02 - "To be the best! Suburban Chefs of Steel!!"
Transcribed by Dr. Xadium (drxadium@DEATHTOSPAMgate.net)
Originally aired June 23, 2004
Naoko Takeuchi is hereby thanked for her involuntary contribution to this fanfic.
Read the Official Suburban Senshi episodes at
http://dr-xadium.genvid.com/subsenshi
Visit the NEW constantly updated Suburban Senshi Weblog at
http://dr-xadium.genvid.com
Suburban Senshi's Tomoe Hotaru is co-winner of the 2003 Senshi'ichi
Budokai! See the official site at
http://users.erols.com/tdouglas/sib/index.html
Please don't pirate this episode. Every time you pirate this episode, a stuntman dies.
EPISODE PREVIEW:
(There is no video, just audio for this part)
Dr. Xadium: No, I absolutely refuse!
Minako: X-chan...!
Xadium: I am a *Time Lord*. I have a certain bearing and dignity to uphold!
Minako: but if you don't agree, we can't do the show!!
Xadium: Utterly, completely not going to happen.
Minako: X-chan... I hadn't wanted to bring this up...
Xadium: ?
Minako: Because you're the author, you've gotten to know all of us, and gotten some *other* benefits too...
Xadium: ...and...?
Minako: But the universe is like Tendou Nabiki's checkbook...
Xadium: Always balanced?
Minako: Hai... and if you *don't* do this... the balance gets not balanced...
Xadium: I... see....
Minako: You know what they say, "love is short, and life's a battle..."
Xadium: Ugh... very good, very well, fine. I'll... wear it.
(Now the video starts up with a slow orchestral background BGM)
BLACK SCREEN WITH QUOTE IN WHITE:
"There is no love sincerer than the love of food." George Bernard Shaw
[The Camera pans over the street in front of Ten'ou House. We see some ratty old grills set out in two opposing semicircles, some large beer coolers and WWE style folding tables all set up in formation. ]
SUBTITLE: SUBURBAN STADIUM
Michiru (Narrating voiceover in a very eloquent, refined voice) Last night, a poor fanfiction author tasked with maintaining order amongst his increasingly hostile friends set it upon himself to create a masterful arena, a grand stage upon which their epic epicurean battle could be conducted. Predictably, he failed. This is the result-- Suburban Stadium.
[ Dr. Xadium appears in shot, wearing a spangly sequined Blue and Whte Ric Flair robe, contemplating a pecan twirl. He takes a hearty bite from it and grins. ]
Michiru His motivation: To stay in the good graces of the lovely Aino Minako--
[Minako pops on screen in a small bubble.]
Minako: Hii!!
Michiru: --and secondarily to help the Suburban Senshi solve their latest petty dispute without having to make another trip to the emergency ward of Tokyo General or having to bail them out of the prefectural lockup. To make this dream a reality, he had to split the two warring factions into subgroups. Only one person from Team Tomoe would be selected to challenge one of the three "Senshi Chefs" from team Ten'ou. The rest of the combatants, friend and foe alike, have had to put aside their differences and take support roles backstage...
Michiru: Ten'ou Haruka, as leader of team Ten'ou, has gathered up the three most likely members of her team to *not* kill someone with food poisioning. These three stalwart scullions he dubbed: The "Senshi Chefs".
[ Professor Tomoe is seen in his usual outfit with a blue-and-white pinstriped apron over it labeled "PLAY TWISTER WITH THE CHEF!". He is holding an eggbeater up with one hand and stirring a pyrex beaker filled with coffee with the other. ]
SUBTITLE: SENSHI CHEF MICROWAVE
Michiru: Senshi Chef Microwave is Souichi Tomoe.
[ Haruka is seen in a bad Dom DeLuise chef outfit, holding up a saran-wrapped refrigerator tray filled with all manner of random food items. She grins at the camera as she toasts it with a foamy beer ]
SUBTITLE: SENSHI CHEF MEATLOAF
Michiru: Senshi Chef meatloaf is Ten'ou Haruka.
[ Jedite is seen in his PGSM uniform, with an apron over it that reads: "Kiss the Cook-- or he'll KILL YOU". He holds up a wickedly large steak knife, which he hurls into a nearby squirrel, which he lifts up and tosses into a pot of boiling water on one of the barbecue grills. ]
SUBTITLE: SENSHI CHEF HOTPOT
Michiru: And Senshi Chef hotpot is Shitennou Jedite of the Dark Kingdom.
[ Montage of other chefs (clearly stolen from IRON CHEF with bad cutaways to Suburban Stadium) entering Suburban Stadium, competing, etc. ]
Michiru: Here in Suburban Stadium the chosen Senshi Chef will square off against the chosen challenger from team Ten'ou. They'll have one hour to make use of the chosen theme ingredient of the day and make superb culinary delights. And should the challenger beat the Senshi Chefs... well a certain Senshi of Uranus will be crying in her beer tonight.
Haruka (from somewhere): "Hey!"
[ The Camera cuts away to Dr. Xadium, who is sitting on the roof of Tenou house in a lawnchair, looking down on Suburban Stadium. An arm (belonging to a certain Venusian Senshi) hands him a can of Sprite and he drinks it, nodding in satisfaction. ]
Michiru: Every battle, someone's reputation is put to the test when challengers and Senshi Chefs collide. Who will be humbled this time?
[ Shots of Tomoe House' s kitchen. Varous cuts of the fridge, the stove, the window, Xadium's 7-UP Vending machine-shaped TARDIS in the corner, etc. ]
Xadium: (Voiceover): If memory serves, I was emerging from my TARDIS in the kitchen this morning after a taxing night's work...
[ The camera shows Xadium coming out of the vending machine-shaped Time and Space Machine somewhat tired. It pans to show Tomoe Hotaru sitting at the kitchen table, slightly slumped over. ]
Xadium: My attention was drawn to the interesting sight of a sad young woman, whose melancholy expression broke both my Gallifreyan hearts.
[ Hotaru is standing in front of the strove, defiant and resolved to cook something. She resolutely reads the directions on a box of Macaroni and Cheese and gets to work. ]
Xadium: With fire and grit she worked through the morning, practicing her craft and producing some of the finest Mac and Cheese in the seven galaxies. It was a meal fit for a Padishah Emperor. I was so impressed with the drive and determination of this young woman that I thought she might be interested in representing her team here in Suburban Stadium.
[ A formal interview segment shot alternatingly in black and white and color. Hotaru faces the camera and speaks. ]
Hotaru: For years I've had disagreements with Haruka-poppa about the way she's treated me in the past. I even moved out to escape her filthy habits and careless lifestyle. But now she wants me back... and I want to teach her a lesson in humility. I've never seriously cooked in my life-- but if it means I can finally put Haruka-poppa in her place and ease my psychological torment once and for all, then, as they say, "I'm game."
[ A montage of Xadium looking over the empty Suburban Stadium-- we see close-ups of the various folding tables, large Barbecue grills, coolers, electric hotpots and George Forman grills as well as various plastic and metal cooking utensils.
We push in on Xadium, who sees a Pizza. He pulls out a large New York sized slice from it, folds it slightly and takes a huge cheesy bite out of it. He grins broadly. The camera pulls back and we see that crowds have filled up the bleachers / stands on the sides of the street. ]
CUT TO: A shot of flames, over which the Senshi Chef title logo appears.
CUT TO: A tight shot of the three Senshi chefs standing proudly at attention, ready for action.
CUT TO: A wide shot of the Suburban Stadium that pushes in on Xadium in all his blue / white sequin-robed glory.*
* = There, are you happy now Ying?
SUBTITLE: DOCTOR XADIUM, CHAIRMAN, SUBURBAN STADIUM
[ Xadium is still grinning. ]
Xadium: In House Tomoe, the stovetop is used to cook meals, not as an instrument of mediaeval torture. Our challenger has come from her happy home to demonstrate her skill at making food that people can eat without being held at gunpoint first. Introducing the challenger, for Team Tomoe... Tomoe Hotaru!
[ Hotaru walks into the center of the ring of tables dressed in her usual black outfit, which is covered by a heart shaped apron which is slightly too large for her (Minako's from the SuperS movie). She apprehensively looks around and smiles. ]
[ An Interview segment, with some shots of Hotaru boiling macaroni and ramen in her kitchen at home ]
Michiru: (as usual, in voiceover) Hotaru honed her skills over many months after moving out of House Ten'ou. She has trained heavily in the use of measuring cups and stirring spoons. After her most audacious project to date-- a mixture of macaroni and cheese with four cheese sphagetti sauce-- she felt confident enough to share her new talent with her friends.
[ Shot of Minako, Chibiusa, Artemis, Xadium, Haruka and Prof. Tomoe at the kitchen table, eating and chatting amiably. ]
Michiru: She continued making meals, daring to expand into such radical areas as microwaved popcorn and Cup Noodles, feeding those who could not feed themselves.
[ Hotaru hands Minako some food-- behind Minako are the remnants of a destroyed meal that has splattered goop all over the kitchen. ]
[ Hotaru faces in the general direction of the camera and speaks. ]
Hotaru: Ever since I moved in with Minako-sempai, I've had the misfortune of having to be the only one who cooks with any kind of regularity. Minako-sempai's culinary prowess extends to mastery of warm toast-- beyond that our meals have become my primary responsibility. I think I've learned a lot, and I'm confident in my ability to defeat whatever Haruka-poppa's team has in store for me.
CUT TO: Hotaru standing face-to-face with Xadium in the center of the ring of tables, next to a large table whose contents are covered with a cloth.
Xadium: Tomoe Hotaru, are you prepared to face the mighty Senshi Chefs?
Hotaru: I am indeed.
Xadium: Very good.
[ Xadium nods solemnly and clasps his hands together dramatically, then turns and looks upwards towards three parked cars which are in front of the stands. ]
Xadium: Senshi Chefs, come forth!
CUT TO SUBURBAN SENSHI R OPENING CREDITS: Theme Song: O Fortuna (Michiru's Theme - Suburban Senshi: The Music)
ACT ONE
CUT BACK to the three cars. Professor Tomoe, Jedite and Haruka climb up the cars and proudly stand atop their roofs.
Hotaru: Oh my god.
Michiru: (Voice over) Senshi Chef Microwave Souichi Tomoe, Senshi Chef Meatloaf Haruka Ten'ou and Senshi Chef Hotpot Jedite all stand ready with their implements, ready to take on this cocky young challenger from the kitchen next door. Which one will the challenger select?
Xadium: (with excessive gravitas) Which one shalt thou choose?
Hotaru: ...
[ Haruka is radiant, the Ikuhara perfection field in full effect, sakura petals wafting all around her and her "ooo ooo ooo" chorus working overtime. ]
Hotaru: Well it won't be her... certainly not.
Haruka: (Suavely) Oh, my.... looks like I'm not worthy of her attention. (Tosses her hair in a perfect way. The scene goes watercolor for a moment as her saddened emotion is emphasized. The crowd boos Hotaru.)
Hotaru: Well forgive me for not wanting to be a lamb to the slaughter!
[ Hotaru casts her gaze to the other two Senshi Chefs-- her cackling father, and the wickedly grinning Jedite. ]
Hotaru: Hmm. I know Jedite-san used to cook fairly well in Michiru-momma's stead, but Papa used to lean on Kaolinite... so I choose... Papa!
Michiru: Oh my! The challenger has selected Souichi Tomoe, Senshi Chef Microwave.
[ The crowd breaks into applause and cheers (especially the women). Tomoe hops down off the cars and towards Hotaru as Jedite and Haruka glare at him, Haruka in a perfectly elegant way of course. Hotaru scrutinizes the two remianing chefs very closely. ]
CUT TO: Stills of Tomoe in his lab, cackling, boiling Tasty Coffee, making Tea, and yet more Tasty Coffee, as well as sitting on the front steps of his old house pigging out on snacks.
Michiru: A master of the Coffee bean, and undefeated as a Senshi chef, Professor Souichi Tomoe is the lord of the stimulant world and a definite force to be feared. He's certain to put up a quite a fight against our challenger here in Suburban Stadium today.
CUT to Xadium, who is standing before the covered table in the center of the stadium. Hotaru and Tomoe stand opposite each other, in the center of their respective semi-circular table areas.
Xadium: (gravely) In this era of push-button Microwave cooking and six minute meals, you would think that very little could shock the highty competent cooks arrayed before us here today... and you might be correct.
Xadium: But I have scoured the planet Earth searching for just the right ingredient, whose subtle delicacy and beautiful fragility will demand that each chef reach within themselves to find the wherewithal to create dishes of such majesty and grace that they reveal and amplify its magnificent flavour. Today's theme ingredient is--
[ Xadium turns, grabs hold of one end of the tablecloth, and with a magnificent flourish, whips the cloth of. ]
CUT TO a Close-up shot of the ingredients on the table. We see piles and piles of semi-transparent, multicoloured...
Xadium: GUMMI BEARS!
CUT TO Senshi Chef Tomoe
Tomoe: MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
CUT TO Hotaru:
Hotaru: G--Gummi Bears? *They're* the ingredient?! Those blasted things are barely edible!
Xadium: Chefs ready?
[ Professor Tomoe nods enthusiastically. Hotaru nods weakly. ]
[ Wide Shot of Suburban Stadium ]
The two competitors get to work, moving around their tables and setting things up.
SUBTITLE: GUMMI BEAR BATTLE
(Minako takes over narrating duty from Michiru. She is as genki as ever.)
Minako: And they're off and running here at Suburban Stadium!! The theme ingredient of the day is yhe versatile and exotic Gummi Bear!!
SUBTITLE: Rules
Minako: The rules for the Gummi Bear Battle are as follows-- now listen up!! Each chef will have one hour minutes to create a variety of dishes utilizing the theme ingredient. The chef whose dishes best represent the theme ingredient, as determined by our panel of tasters, will be declared the winner!! So work hard, everyone!!
[ The chefs head for the main ingredient table. Professor Tomoe has wheeled over a small vat, which he begins to fill with the bears. Hotaru looks at this askance, and begins to scoop up very small amounts of the bears, almost hesitantly. ]
(All the commentators are heard, not seen)
Minako: I'm Aino Minako, your lovely commentator for Suburban Stadium, and helping me out is my friend Chibiusa-chan!!
Chibiusa: Hay way da fick u talling den ur ruvrei 4, dey kant C U onle har ur voise?!
Minako: Because I'm sure they'd like to imagine it!! Also helping us today are our paws on the stadium floor, Arty!!
Chibiusa: Wel FAK dat, I'm ruverei 2 bich!! If u mean out dere in da audienze culd C mi uld went 2 B mai jiggolo!!!1
Artemis: Mina, this has the makings of a classic match-up in Suburban Stadium. It seems the challenger--
Chibiusa: Atremis, shat da fick up 4 a sexond, sum kinda sit iz hapening outside da areena wit da uder 2 seshni chevs
[ The camera jerkily swings away from the competition and zooms in on Jedite and Haruka, who are arguing out of sight of the crowds. Haruka seems to give the camera a sidelong glance before speaking. ]
Haruka: Dude, calm the [BLEEP] down!
Jedite: Why should I?! I could crush her like a BUG!
Haruka: What does it matter as long as one of us does it?
Jed: Bah, what does Tomoe know about cooking solid food?! I could be out there ripping the heads off those stupid smiling bears and carving out their little gummy innards!! STUPID HAPPY SMILING SNACKS!
Haruka: Man, we're out there to beat 'taru-chan, not the damn bears, OK?
Jedite: Metallia take that! A truly EVIL cook would TORTURE his bears (yells over to Tomoe) NOT LAUGH AT HOW CUTE THEY WERE IN A MERELY QUASI EVIL WAY!!
[ From offscreen, Tomoe yells back ]
Tomoe: WHAT WOULD YOU KNOW ABOUT IT, JEDITE? LAST I HEARD YOU STOLE HOTARU'S TEDDY BEAR AND HAVE IT ALL SAFE AND SNUGGLY WUGGLY IN YOUR BEDDIE WEDDIE! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA!
Jedite: The HELL do you know?!
Tomoe: WHY DON'T YOU GO HOME AND CRY TO MR. TEDDY LUMPKINS?
Jedite: Maybe I will go home to the damn bear-- to KILL IT WITH FIRE!
Tomoe: YOU DON'T HAVE THE GUTS! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Jedite: Bah! Shove it up your [BLEEP], you cackling caffinated FREAK!
[ A camera follows Jedite as he walks down the street and away from the competition. ]
Minako: Wow!! One of the Senshi Chefs has just WALKED off the set, FURIOUS at not being picked!!
Chibiusa: Sew who da fick carz... da 1 wat wuz packed iz da onlee improtant 1, da udderz ken tak da dey off...
[ Jedite turns to the cameraman following him. ]
Jedite: Stop following me if you know what's good for you, Lens-Monkey...
[ The cameraman stops as Jedite walks off. ]
Minako: From action outside the stadium to action inside, what you all paid to see!!
Chibiusa: Nobuddy payed noting, bich
Minako: :P It looks like challenger Hotaru is confused at what to do with all those sweet, delicious gummy bears!! I know what I'd do with them, I'd eat them all up!!
[ The camera focuses on a somewhar flabbergasted Hotaru, who is standing over a pot of boiling water, and pondering whether or not to drop some Gummi Bears in. ]
Artemis: Mina?
Minako: Go ahead, Arty!!
Artemis: I just talked to the challenger, and shockingly, she's revealed that she has _never_ cooked with Gummi Bears before. She's actually trying to work out a recipie that can use them!
Minako: Whoah, that could be bad news for the challenger!! Thanks Arty!
[ The camera pans to a "special" table set off from the competition area-- i.e. a folding table with a cheap dollar store plastic tablecloth dropped on it. There are four people sitting at it.]
Minako: Hmm... while both Chefs are getting started, let's go meet our judges for today's match!! These four will decide who wins and who loses!!
Chibi: datz what jadges dew, dumaz
Minako: They'll hold the fate of the chef's reputations in their hands!!
[ The camera pans across thenm, pausing on each one as Minako introduces them. ]
Wow!! Here's someone we haven't seen in a long time!!
[ The camera lingers on Osaka Naru ]
Minako: Osaka Naru-chan!! Wow! I haven't seen you since you left town with Umino-kun all those years ago!! How are you?
Naru: (in Deep South / NYC Brooklyn fusion dub accent) Mah woid, dey nevah told yous?? Aftah I moved outta dat dere naybahood sos I wouln't e attackda no moh, me and mistah Umino came back, sailer Tin Rodent or whoevah it was found me and hit me wit dese tings dat knocked da starseed rite outta me.... i became dis dreadful phage ting, and nobuddy fixed me, until one day, i just went back ta normal-- but the stahseed's always been a bit loose, sos if ah slam mah pretty little head on somethin' -
[ Naru slams her head on the table HARD. Her starseed pops out of her head, cords leap out of the ground and surround her, when they vanish, she is dressed in white sailor fuku accented by a silver skirt and cape, as well as a copper-colored front bow. ]
Naru: --I ken transfoim inta Sailer Supahvolt!! (annoying Fran Drescher laugh) . Az much az i lik havin' dis poawah, if i ever gats my hands on dat sailer ratface or watever, i'd ma her asd pay fer the dreadful tng wat she did ta mi!
Minako: I see... moving right along...
[ The camera pans over to a girl dressed in a black pinstriped suit wearing a fedora hat (like a 1920's gangster. She's nervously looking over at Naru. ]
Minako: And next we have... ARA! Aren't you...!
[ Iron Mouse panics for a moment and then pulls out her business card, shoving it into the camera. ]
Iron mouse: Yes! I am the famous Galaxy TV producer Chuuko Nezu-chan!! Judging Cheesy dishes and dairy meals are my favourites! I also love peanut butter snacks and old leftover foods!! *chuu*
Minako: But aren't you also
[ Iron mouse looks at the camera and over at Sailor Supervolt, who de-transforms by headbutting the tabe again, pleadingly. ]
Minako: Ah... hai, Chuuko-san des.
[ Iron Mouse breathes a sigh of relief. The camera pans to the next judge.]
Minako: And the next judge is... Elza-Gray-san?
Elza Gray: Ahh, Minako-chan? You've grown a little since we last met. I see you still have *strong* thighs.
[ Inset bubble: Director Xadium spits up his milkshake and almost chokes on it, rei.bot and Michiru have to help him. ]
Minako: (dryly): I see you haven't changed. (TOO Cheerfully) So how's that whole steroid abuse trial going??
Elza: ....
From offscreen: (Hotaru: Hey she's one of Haruka-poppa's old friends! She's trying to stack the deck!!)
Also offscreen: (Haruka: Ya think? Michi and I also threw a "most loving couple" contest for that Naru kid years ago, too)
[ Naru waves over at Haruka and gives her a wink and a nod. Sailor Iron Mouse does too.]
(Flashback)
Haruka: So, Nezumi-chan, I gave that Naru kid this large-ass complimentary Ginzu knife. It's large enough to shank an elephant and it cuts through anything. She thinks it's a participation prize... but if you step outta line, I'm gonna tell her who you really are... and if she's got that big-ass pig sticker in her hands when she finds out *you're* the reason for her perma-migranes... well... I don't think there will even be enough left of you for the Lunar cats to enjoy... got me?
Iron Mouse: Yes-Chuu....
(End Flashback)
[ The camera pans to the last judge. ]
Minako: And our final judge for this event, world-famous mentalist and 900 Line Dial-a-Psychic, Ryo Urawa-kun!!
Urawa: I peer into the future and I see... OH! OH MY GOD! NO! THE HORROR! THE HORRRRRRROR!!! GET ME OUT OF HERE ! I DON'T WANT THIS JOB!!
[ Camera pans down to reveal that chains and clamps have sprung into place, locking Urawa into place. ]
Minako: Now, Urawa-kun, my super-secret intelligence reports tell me you're VERY skilled in the manipulation of Gummi Bears, ne?
Urawa: What Ami-sama and I do in the private is NONE of your concern!!
[ Camera pans over to a facefaulted Minako. ]
Minako: I was referring to your world-famous 'Gummi sundaes'.
Urawa: Oh... yeah, I knew that. Yeah.
Minako: Geez, no wonder he's a telephone psychic now. Oh!! It looks like Professor Tomoe is getting ready to show us something!!
[ The camera has panned over to his half of the stadium, which has been kitted out to look like a minature chemistry lab / operating theatre. We see him light a HUGE Bunsen burner , over which is a huge Erlenmeyer flask. He's dropping hundreds of bears into the flask, and they are melting into a viscous goo inside. The camera pushes in tight to see their cute faces melting into amorphous slag. Tome then uses giant tongs to take the Goo filled beaker over to an operating table, where he drops the goopy mix into a giant bear mold, which closes over and rapid freezes it into a giant, singular gummi bear. Tomoe gently lifts the jello-like bear out of the mold. Assistants pull the mold away, and Tomoe gingerly puts it on the table. He then whips out a huge chainsaw and VIOLENTLY begins tearing into the bear, sending gummi bits flying everywhere in an orgy of gummi splatter. ]
Artemis: Mina?
Minako: Yo!
Artemis: I asked the Professor why he was using a chainsaw instead of a ginzu knife or something similar, and he said it was all for the spectacle.
Minako: Oh, it's spectacle all right...
[ The camera switches to a shot of Hotaru at her tables. She has several pots on a steady boil, and is slowly cutting into some tiny gummi bears with a knife. She seems to be sniffling.
Chibiusa: Hay it loks like Horatru-chun is krying
Minako: I think you're right, Chibiusa-chan....
Artemis: Mina..
Minako: Arty?
Artemis: Mina, the challenger may have a serious problem here. She's having a difficult time cutting the Gummi Bears.
Minako: Well, those things can be slippery!
Artemis: No, that's not it.., it seems they're so cute it's causing her physical pain to cleave them with cooking implements!
Chibiusa: Wat da fick I thot si hated kute tings!!1
Minako: A soft sentimental side to Hotaru-chan?? Will wonders never cease!!
[ The Camera has panned to Professor Tomoe. He has a large skillet, and is frying up some grated gummi bear shavings. He turns his attention to some heated beakers, into which he is dropping Jelly Beans. He then pulls out a few cans of Coffee beans and cracks them open. He drops the beans into the beakers, waits a few minutes, and then pours the contents of the beakers into the frying pan. He whips out a huge bag of white sugar and pours it into the pan along with some Monosodium Glutamate.
Minako: Wow! Jellybeans, a favourite of American royalty!
Chibi: I nevar meat a jellybean i didn't lick
Artemis: Mina.
Minako: Go on, Artemis!
Artemis: Actually the beans are a key ingredient in what the Professor calls his Hypercaffinated Pilldrops of Pure Genki delight!
Minako: There's nothing like a sugar and caffiene rush to make the day FLY by!
Artemis: And with MSG it will be ridiculously addictive too!
Chibiusa: MSG facking mak mi sik
Minako: Well, luckily for you, we're not allowed to eat the food they make.
Chibiusa: wat da fack is dat ballsit! I haf to sat hear all dwey an pat up with ur facking az and i dnt evna get fri fod?! FACK DIS SIT!!!1
Minako: Chibiusa-chan, you know that if you eat that stuff you'll simply get stomach cramps and die... So it's better that you not eat it.
(The audience yells: EAT IT! EAT IT!)
Chibiusa: Dat'z troo...
[ The camera pans over to Hotaru at her table. She's gingerly holding up each Gummi Bear and talking to it, cooing to it softly. After patting each one on its tiny little head, she slowly closes her eyes and immerses it into the boiling water, crying--and dying-- a little each time. Then she moves over to another pot, where she is making sphagetti. ]
Minako: OMG that's soo heartwrenching! Hotaru-chan is so attached to those gummi bears!!
Chibiusa: Yah but if si dnt harry da fack up si'll ran out of tim-- hay, were da fack did si goew?
Artemis: Mina.
Minako: Go.
Artemis: The challenger has stepped out of the stadium for a brief moment, she's complained about having to find a "secret ingredient" for her dishes.
Minako: Ooh, Secret Ingredient!! Sounds Mysterious, Arty.
Artemis: Indeed it does, Mina.
Chibiusa: Fakcin sekret ingradient itz probably kocaine
[ The camera goes back to Professor Tomoe, who runs off to the bleachers with a big "Heart Snatcher" gun. He then comes back with a Pure Heart Crystal, which he begins to dice with a Ginzu knife. ]
Minako: What's the Professor got there?
Chibiusa: i dunno i thik itz a pieceo f chease.
Minako: It might be... yeah, I think it is... a Pure heart Crystal... Artemis?
Artemis: Right on Mina, from down here it's plainly a Pure Heart Crystal the professor is chopping up into bite-size cubes. The Professor says he's putting "a lot of heart" into the dessert he's preparing -- Gummi vanilla Diabetes Sherbert.
Minako: Wow, I haven't had a Diabetes Sherbert in a long time!! And I've never had a gummy one!!
Chibiusa: Fak u bich i nevar had dem
Minako: It's an experience to be desired!!
Artemis: Mina.
Minako: Hmm?
Artemis: It looks like there's some dirty dealings back here in the pits as the Professor has stolen some of Hotaru's secret ingredient, saying he'll be using it in his main course as well.
Minako: Way to even the odds there...
Chibiusa: Fak, i bet itz sumbody's bran
Minako: Come now, Chibiusa-chan, what are the odds of it being a human brain?
Chibiusa: Knowing dem, Prety facking god!!!1
Minako: Hmm... you might have something there, Chibiusa-chan...
Artemis: Mina.
Minako: Go, Artemis.
Artemis: Upon closer inspection, I have it on good authority that the secret ingredient is NOT a human brain. the Professor's not sure exactly what it is, but he says it will go great with his "Nutty as a Fruit Cake" Coffee Cake.
Minako: Will the madness never stop?!
[ The camera pans over to Hotaru, who is now tending to some Garlic Bread she has just baked. Coating them gently with a garlic / organo / butter sauce, she lays out some strips of heated cheese on top. ]
Chibiusa: ROR, sis pratty damn god in da kitchn
Minako: A lot of fanboys imagine so!!
Chibiusa: Bat i dnt gat dis sit... hoe does gammi baerz fat in 2 garlack bred?
Minako: I'm sure she'lll figure out a way to incorporate it, somehow.
Chibiusa: wat da fick, siz jast droping a fw baers on da side of da plat! itz not in da bred at al?!
Minako: I'm sure Hotaru-chan has some idea what she's doing... because I don't think that normally one would expect Garlic Bread to cry out for Gummi Bear flavor.... but how can she expect to win without working in the ingredient?!
Artemis: Mina.
Minako: Yes, Arty?
Artemis: I actually asked Hotaru that very question!
Minako: Amazing! What did she say?
Artemis: She has no intention of using the Gummi bears in her garlic bread as anything other than decorative garnish.
Chibiusa: Da fick's si thanking?!
Artemis: She says her food will speak for itself.
Minako: That's a bold statement from the challenger!!
Xadium, yelling through a bullhorn: 30 minutes left!
EYECATCH:
(Michiru is cooking, Haruka walks up behind her)
Haruka: Suburban Senshi....
(Haruka takes a taste of the food)
Jedite: ARRRR...gh
COMMERCIAL BREAK
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END COMMERCIAL BREAK
EYECATCH
(Chibiusa is walking down the street.)
Chibiusa: suberbean sanshi...
(A rock flies outof nowhere and hits her on the head)
Chibiusa: arrraarrrrr!!!11
[ The camera pans back to Professor Tomoe, who is dropping some items into a sauce pan. ]
Tomoe: DILL SEED... PEPPER SEED... COFFEE SEED... DAIMON SEED... STAR SEED! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!
Chibiusa: if dat facker aint facking karful, da test of da dill sead wal ovarpawar da flaver of da daiymon sead.
Minako: This is true, he's going to have to be real careful with that sauce.
Artemis: Mina.
Minako: Speak, Arty.
Artemis: The Prof says that he's making a special basting sauce, and once its gotten to be a bit more stabilized, he's going to drop some gummis into the mix.
Chibiusa: Dat'z gona be some sweat sit!!!1
Minako: The Professor really looks like he wants to give the challenger her just desserts!!
[ Camera moves back to Hotaru. She is now expertly preparing a sphagetti alfredo dish with some vodka sauce. She also tends to a chocolate pie.]
Minako: Ooh, that chocolate pie looks good!
Chibiusa: Ya it loks lik da SIT!!1 I went mai az suma dat sit!!1
Minako: Now you know we're not allowed to eat the combatant's cooking....
Chibiusa: Aw gid dammit!!!1
Artemis: Mina.
Minako: Go ahead, Arty.
Artemis: The challenger says the pie is a family recipie she learned from her father.
Minako: Which one?
Artemis: I didn't ask, sorry.
Minako: Oh, this could be interesting... could there be a father daughter interpretational cooking conflict!!?
[ The camera shifts back to Professor Tomoe, who is just laughing insanely as he works, music playing in the background. ]
Minako: What's that music, Arty?
Artemis: He says it's a Waltz he wrote as a youth, "Hope for the future."
Minako: What part of that is a WALTZ?!
Artemis: I think he's using the soundwaves to ultrasonically beat the gelatin from the Gummis...
Minako: High tech stuff from the Challenger!!
[ The camera pans back to Hotaru. She is mixing a liquid in a large plastic container. ]
Minako: Now we move back to the challenger. Holy Kool-Aid, Batman, it looks like she's making... Kool-Aid!!
Chibiusa: hshshsh i hop its nit da Jim Jonesz Sianide special...
Minako: You never know with the Senshi of Ruin. You never know.
Artemis: Minako.
Minako: yo?
Artemis: Hotaru says this kool-aid will be "Special".
Chibiusa: O krap si is patting in sianide...
Artemis: No, she says it's special because it will be "Gummi Flavored Kool Aid".
[ Hotaru tearfully drops one bear into the Kool Aid. ]
Minako: Nani... that's not particularly creative, Hotaru-chan. I mean, ONE Gummi Bear?!
Chibiusa: Datz sum lazy-az sit rite dere... i dunno wat shez tinkin'
Minako: Will the challenger's compassion for Gummi Bears be her undoing?? Luckily, she's still got some time left on the clock!
[ The Camera pans back to the Professor. He is now playing with some of the gummi bears like action figures, having them dance and talk to one another. He's leading them somewhere. ]
Minako: Is that a gingerbread house he's leading them to??
Chibiusa: hloy facking sit it'z a gangerbred houz?! Dat'z sum skillz!!!1
Minako: Yes, the Professor made a whole geinerbread house... and now he's play-marching the bears into it...
Artemis: Mina!
Minako: Go!
Artemis: I just found out, that Gingerbread House isn't part of the meal, it's a cooking utensil!
Minako: A cooking utensil?!
Chibiusa: Wat da fick det com?!
Artemis: It's not a Gingerbread House! It's a Gingerbread... SLAUGHTER House!!
[ The Professor marches the bears in the house and we hear little gummi screams (made by the prof of course ) ]
Minako: What the heck's going on in there?!
Artemis: Let me get a camera in closer... oh, the humanity!!
[ Jerky shot of the bears marched into the house, where a giant wooden skewer comes out of nowhere and impales them 12 at a time ]
Minako: Ooh, that's GOTTA sting!!
Artemis: This whole cruel spectacle is all so the Professor can make his world-famous Gummi-kabobs!
Minako: Gummi Kabobs?
Artemis: Yes, he's combining Gummi bears with JuJubys to make the ultimate in gelatinized jaw dropping joy!
Minako: Whoah, he's rewriting the cookbooks with this challenge!!
Chibiusa: Itz all godd!!!1
[ The Camera pans back to Hotaru, who holds a mallet over a pile of gummies on a cutting board. Her hand is shaking, and she sobs "I'm sorrry," just before smashing the Mallet down and splattering them into a flat paste. ]
Minako: Gummi pate?
Chibiusa: Dat sit ain't rite.
[ The camera goes back to the Professor, who is basting his Gummi Kabobs with confectioner's sugar. ]
Minako: Ooh, The Professor's adding his famous high-calorie sugar glaze to the Gummi Kabobs!
Chibiusa: Nona dat nutrisweat crap hear!!1 hshhshshshshsh
Minako: That just shows his sensitivities to old world values.
Chibiusa: wat da fick, is he makig hoales in does appels? An hez patting in sum gammis?!
Minako: Hm... it looks like he's making a totally new dish... at this stage in the game?!
Artemis: Mina.
Minako: Give it to us.
Artemis: The Professor says the apples are a totally new dish. He calls them "Gummi Worm Al Dente Surprise"
Minako: The professor's not only a genius, he's a comedic Genius!!
[ Camera switches to Hotaru, who is finishing up her Gummi Pate ]
Artemis: Mina.
Minako: Yes, Arty?
Artemis: It looks like we now know what Hotaru was doing. She's not making Gummy Pate at all, but Gummi Taco shells!
[ Hotaru is wrapping the flimsy shells ]
Minako: Gummi Taco Shells?!?
Artemis: It's like she's trying to counter all the sweets made by the opposition!
Chibiusa: New sis falling it wit Ma nd Ems? !
Minako: A risky move!!
[ The Camera pans back to the Prof, who has cut some of the remains of the giant Gummi bear into wedges, arranged in a nice circle around its severed head with glassy expression and shocked, wide open mouth. ]
Minako: That was a HECK of a decapitation, Chibiusa-chan!! It's too bad the camera missed it!!
Chibiusa: it was kikazz!! If UR mad of gammi, dnty mass wit dat materfacker!!!1
[ Back to Hotaru, who is microwaving some cup noodle. ]
Artemis: Mina.
Minako: go!
Artemis: The challenger is working overtime to finish up her meals in the time alloted! She's even started nuking water to make things go faster!
Minako: Seeing two masters of Microwave cooking go at it is a thing of joy...
Chibiusa: Bat it maks noe facking sanse tho...
Minako: You're bringing that up NOW?!
[ Back to Tomoe, who SLAMS a chocolate orange into the gaping maw of the giant Gummi's severed head ]
Minako: Ah! The coop of grace!!
Chibiusa: "kuop de vile"
[ The sound of a GONG heralds the end of the competition. There is a wide shot of the stadium as Both chefs stop their work and lean back, relaxed. ]
Minako: And so ends the Gummi Bear battle!! Each of the contestants has given it their all, making some unique and crazy dishes!! Will the challenger's stubbornly traditional approach to cuisine defeat the Senshi Chef? Or will her compassion for the plight of cute little Gummi bears doom her and her team?! ... Let's take it over to the Judges.
[ Cut to shots of the food ]
SUBTITLE: CHALLENGER'S DISHES
Minako: Challenger Tomoe Hotaru has created five dishes: Spaghetti Alfredo with Vodka Sauce, Garlic bread with a gummi garnish, Chocolate Pie with Gummis in the filling, A cup noodle with a gummi suspended over it by toothpick, and Gummi Tacos filled with M&M's for dessert. She has also made Gummi Kool-Aid on the side.
[ All the dishes are arranged very nicely, but it is clear the Gummis are for the most part just tacked on additions, not integral to the dishes ]
CUT TO the judges' table.
[ Hotaru serves up her first dish, the Spaghetti Alfredo. ]
JUDGES' TABLE
Hotaru serves up his first dish, the chicken Microwave.
Minako: First up, the challenger, Tomoe Hotaru.
Hotaru: For this dish, I made a traditional spaghetti, with the noodles boiled in water which was suffused with Gummi residue. I also used a nice Vodka sauce and some four-cheese as well.
Naru: (tasting) Mm... dis is sum really nice stuff ahahahahahaha, and it got a good textuah, an it feel foim ta da bite, but... i don't really taste da gummi in dis ting too much... i tink it woulda provided a subtel countahpint ta da sour vodka sauce.
Iron Mouse: The four cheese combination in the sauce is great! *chuu* But I really miss the gooey gelatiny feel of the gummi bears *chuu*... It's too bad... *chuu*.
[ Hotaru hands over the second plate, her garlic bread with Gummi Garnish. ]
Hotaru: I think you will find that the butter / garlic / oregano combination melds with the fresh Italian bread to provide just the right touch of tang and Zest to the meal.
Urawa: You know what sucks about being a psychic? That I could see how bland this crap was before I even put it in my mouth. Do you KNOW What it feels like to taste bad food BEFORE you taste it, then KNOW you're gonna have to taste again, then TASTE it knowing you've TASTED it before?! ARRGH! I mean what the hell is this, the Gummi's off to the side... it's like you didn't care, Tomoe... it's like you didn't even [BLEEP]ing care.
Elza: Right, I mean I like my Gummi bears wrapped in Cheese like "bear in a blanket" you know, but you didn't even go for that, and it was so obvious... I mean--
Naru: You coulda just dropped it on da plate bai accident as much as bai desin. I dunno wai ya didn't try ta blend it in a bit... real, real dissapointin.
[ Hotaru just looks at them bemused. The Chocolate Pie is served. ]
Hotaru: I think you'll find that the secret family recipe comes into ful play here, and you'll enjoy the results.
Iron Mouse: The chocolate is okay *chuu* but there's like no gummi in it... *chuu* it's got lots of choco fun, but it's like the gummis aren't invited to the party *chuu*.
Elza: Is there even any Gumm *in* this [BLEEP]?
Urawa: (using a toothpick and pulling out the severed arm of a tiny gummi bear ) I think this is it here... (Eats a huge portion of the pie) It's a good pie, but the gummis are a waste.
Elza: That's just sad, yo...
Naru: Even nevah havin' cooked with Gummi Bear, watchin; ya prepare ya dishes I expected more innovation dan dis. What ya did was OK, but no good as Gummi Bear dishes go.
[ Hotaru twitches a little. ]
... skipping more of the same ...
Minako: And now the dishes of Senshi Chef Microwave, Souichi Tomoe!!
[ Tomoe's dishes also look good and appetizing. It's clear he went mad with the theme. ]
Minako: The Senshi Chef also has five dishes for us today, and oddly enough all are desserts! For an appetizer we have Gummi / JuJuby kabobs, followed by some Gummi Vanilla Diabetes Sherbert topped with "Hypercaffinated Pilldrops of Pure Genki delight". The main course is that HUGE gummi bear head with the ochocolate orange stuck in it's mouth (basted in a dill pepper /coffee / daimon seed sauce) followed up with "Gummi Worm Al Dente Surprise" apples and finally as a finisher, the "Nutty as a Fruit Cake " Coffee Cake!!
[ Dish #1 is provided. ]
Tomoe: WITH DISH I...
Urawa: No need, my good man. No need to say anything. For I looked into the future and knew that I would taste this. And I saw that it was good. Bravissimo, my good man. Bravissimo.
[ In the corner, Hotaru twitches. ]
Naru: I agrees with da man. EVen da SMELL of ya food tells us ya put loadsa work an hart nta yer stuff.
Tomoe: OH I PUT OTHER PEOPLE'S HEART IN THERE TOO! MUHAHAHAHAHAAH!
Elza: Truly, you are the Culinary King of Kings.
[ Hotaru flinches. They haven't taken a single bite. ]
Iron Mouse: Yeah... we've seen enough... *chuu*... we like you more. *chuu*
[ Hotaru has had it. ]
Hotaru: ALL RIGHT! I don't know what's gotten into you people, but this is ridiculous! I know that perhaps my cooking was a BIT too traditional for your tastes, given as how GUMMI BEARS are hardly able to be considered one of the four FOOD GROUPS, but how can you declare MY MEALS inferior without even having TASTED any of his?!
[ Iron Mouse looks up at Hotaru and over at Naru with a terrified expression. It's clear she's not doing this of her free will, even to Hotaru. ]
Iron Mouse: Sorry, but you just didn't do your homework properly! *chuu!*
Hotaru: (sighs) Look, I don't know what's going on here, but at LEAST you could try some of Papa's work? Just to satisfy me that I haven't totally wasted my time here?!
[ Nobody reacts. Hotaru cracks and grabs the dish closest to her, slamming it down in front of Urawa. ]
For god's sake at least try the CHOCOLATE PIE!
[ Urawa smirks.]
Urawa: Fine, if it'll satisfy you, I'll eat some. I already know it's going to be better than yours.
[ Urawa eats. ]
Urawa: It's good. You lose. Thank you for playing.
[ Hotaru bows her head, a defeated woman. She spins around to confront Director Xadium, who is moving towards the center of the stadium with pomp and flourish. ]
Hotaru: What kind of a lopsided competition IS THIS?!
Xadium: Many challengers have battled in Suburban Stadium.
Hotaru: NO they haven't! We're the first ones! And this isn't stadium! It looks like a cross between a yardsale and cookout! This place makes Popeye's chicken look like the Hotel du Louvre!
[ The judges look at each other and shrug ]
Hotaru: IT'S A RESTAURANT!!!
Urawa: (condascendingly) We KNOW what a Popeye's Chicken is.
Hotaru: Blast. Enough of this.
[ Hotaru begins to walk off. ]
Urawa: Don't you want to know who won?
Hotaru: What's the point?
(From somwhere) Haruka: That's right, 'Taru-achan... there is none... I am unstoppable...
[ Hotaru walks offscreen as the judges tally up their scores. ]
Minako: Now the judges must decide who wins!! Did the challenger, with her time-tested techniques and strong confidence woo the judges? Or was the talented labwork of the Senshi Chef and his diverse use of Gummi Bear material enough to defend his title here in Suburban Stadium?? We turn to Director X-chan for the answer!!
[ The camera pans to Xadium, who eccentriclaly flourishes and grins ]
Xadium: The challenger made some daring choices in the Gummi Bear Battle, while the Senshi Chef showed us why he is the king of the Microwave throughout the county... The winner of the Gummi Bear battle, and round two of the Suburban Senshi summer games is... for Team Ten'ou, Senshi Chef Souichi Tomoe!
[ The crowd goes wild ]
Minako: The Senshi Chef prevails, keeping his winning streak alive, with a unanimous decision over the challenger.
SCORECARD: Hotaru's has 0's in all categories, Professor Tomoe's the Maxium in each.
Chibiusa: new surpize dere, umanimus decishin 4 da professere
Minako: (still genki) And there you have it!! The crazy expreriments of the Mad Chef, Senshi Chef Microwave, Souichi Bueford defeat the cosmopolitan ways of Tomoe Hotaru.
Artemis: Mina!
Minako: What is it, Artemis?
Artemis: Hotaru is walking over to the judges, whom Haruka-san is sending off on their way!
Hotaru: Wait!
Haruka: Hey Hotaru, that's another one for me... :)
Hotaru: You bought off the judges, didn't you?
Haruka: "Bought" is such a cheap word. I prefer "manipulated".
Urawa: And those she couldn't buy...
[ Urawa transforms into Jedite ]
Jedite: ...She *replaced*.
Hotaru: Heh. I see how it was.
Haruka: HAHAHAHAHAHA!
Minako: In a shocking turn of... oh, forget this!!
[ Minako goes down to join Hotaru, rei.bot emerges from whereever she was and joins them. They stand facing Haruka's team, and Xadium is in the middle. ]
Minako: X-chan!! They cheated! Sort this out RIGHT NOW! (overdone)
Xadium: I. can't. interfere. (Stilted)
Haruka: Heh. He can't do crap. There was a competition, there was a judging. All results are final.
[ Hotaru grins. So does Minako and the rest of her team. Haruka is confused. ]
Haruka: Why are you guys lookin at me like that?
Minako: Have you ever heard of the phrase, "To loose one's wind?"
[ Haruka sweatdrops. ]
Hotaru: "To lose is to win."
Haruka: What're you saying, 'Taru.
Hotaru: After out defeat yestrerday, we spent a good deal of strategizing.
Xadium: *Really* strategizing.
Hotaru: We reasoned you might bribe the judges, or use your perfection field, and that more than likely you would even stoop so low as to steal our own ingredients out from under us.
Jedite: HEH! So you saw your cause was futile and decided to surrender.
Hotaru: Don't you find it odd that I wasn't even really *trying* in our little match today?
Haruka: I just figured you were *incompetent* in the kitchen.
Hotaru: Maybe I am. But I'm at least competent enough to know *when* to be incompetent.
[ Jedite starts to sweat a little. ]
Haruka: That sounds like the crap she would say. [ Points to Minako ] I think Neko-chan is starting to rub off on you.
Minako: (indignant) My batter isn't breaded that way!!
Hotaru: No, we threw the match.
Haruka: Bull. Say what you want, it doesn't change things.
Hotaru: Oh but it does... sometimes you have to lose a battle to win the war.
[ Jedite is holding his stomach ]
Hotaru: (sweetly) Remember that Chocolate pie? The one that I went off seeking out a "secret ingredient" for? The one that Papa stole and used in his pie as well? Both pies of which you ate?
[ Jedite is on the ground, spasming ]
Minako: Chibiusa-chan was so right when she said what she said....
Chibiusa: (playing along) Wat did i sey?
Minako: That that pie was "the [BLEEP]"
Jedite: (gasping and wretching) WHAT?!!
Hotaru: Oh yes, I went over to the area where we had the cowpie competition yesterday, and remembered Minako's confusion about the nature of the contest... so I used that to advantage. I went to the crater that had the cowpie which fell upon Jedite's head, scooped up the remains... and crafted a nice looking Chocolate Pie for you to steal.
[ Haruka walks over to the table and looks at the half-eaten pie. ]
Haruka: HOLY..! YOU MADE JED EAT HIS OWN 10,000 YEAR OLD, COLONICALLY IRRRIGATED [BLEEP]?!
Jedite: What do mean My... (passes out in a pile of vomit and pain)
Hotaru: And so, come the rest of the games, you'll be one man short.
Haruka: WTF.... WTF WTF WTF
Hotaru: Ironic, really... had you not cheated, you might have won and been in a better position. As it is, your side is crippled.
Haruka: DAMNIT!
[ Without thinking, Haruka smashes her fist in the pie. The stone from the ring on her finger strikes the aluminium pieplate, and a spark occurs, igniting the super ancient pile of [BLEEP]. ]
(Thermonuke explosion. Saturn barely gets up a Silent Wall in time to save our cast, but Suburban Stadium goes up in a giant fireball. )
Artemis: And that's it from Suburban Stadium.
TO BE CONTINUED
NEXT EPISODE PREVIEW
Haruka: Dammit! I don't need Jed! We can take this LAN match without him!
Minako: Now I'll show you the results of my years of Video Game Training!
END CREDITS: Theme song: Insane Clown Posse - Mad Professor (Professor Tomoe's Theme - Suburban Senshi: The Music)
Special thanks to DJ Wolfwood for selecting Judge Naru.
Special thanks to Jupiter Knight, for selecting Judge Urawa.
Special thanks to Gersende for selecting Judge Elza Gray.
Special thanks to YingGirl for making me blow the place up.