EPISODE SG03 - "Death is a Mouse Click Away! Minako and Haruka's Super LAN Battle!!"
Transcribed by Dr. Xadium (drxadium@DEATHTOSPAMgate.net)
Originally aired June 25, 2004
Naoko Takeuchi is hereby thanked for her involuntary contribution to this fanfic.
Read the Official Suburban Senshi episodes at
http://dr-xadium.genvid.com/subsenshi
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http://dr-xadium.genvid.com
Suburban Senshi's Tomoe Hotaru is co-winner of the 2003 Senshi'ichi
Budokai! See the official site at
http://users.erols.com/tdouglas/sib/index.html
Please don't pirate this episode. Every time you pirate this episode, a stuntman dies.
EPISODE TEASER
SUBTITLE: DR. XADIUM'S TARDIS, STORAGE BAY 237
Crash. Bang. Thud. Dr. Xadium winced with each new sound echoing off the cavernous walls of the darkened storage bay. It had been going on like this for several hours now. Shortly after the sun rose over Tokyo, Typhoon Minako had stormed into the deepest depths of the TARDIS cargo holds, looking for Rassilon-knew-what.
"Mina..." the Time Lord began hesitantly, as a piece of random technology came whizzing his way out of the darkness, smashing into the wall next to him and breaking into thousands of little bits.
"Moh! X-chan has too much *junk* in here!!" Minako yelled from somewhere deep within the recesses of the landfill-sized hold. "How do you ever find anything!?"
"It's a spare parts hold, I never really--" Xadum began to reply, stopping abruptly as he ducked to avoid a hurled hard drive which had been carelessly pelted his way. The aged device clattered to the ground, it's data platters shattering into shards of glittering metal behind him.
His left eye twitching, Xadium did his best to maintain his composure, but lost it when an Atari 2600 joystick flew out of the inky blackness and smashed him in the face.
"MINAKO!" Xadium yelled in a rather undignified manner. "Is there any partcular reason you're digging through my spare parts collection?!"
"Ho ho ho ho ho ho!" came Minako's jolly laughter in reply, the sound of it resounding all around Xadium like a menacing cackle of demonic joy.
Presently, a tiny pinprick of light cut through the veil of darkness, as Minako emerged from the depths of the hold. She was dressed in a miner's outfit, complete with light-equipped hardhat. Looking disheveled and slightly tired, she panted as she pulled a load of parts behind her in a wheelbarrow.
"What... is all that?" Xadium asked, almost afraid to know.
"This..." Minako said slowly as she removed her helmet-- replacing it with a headband that was decorated with the Japanese flag-- "is the key to Team Tomoe's victory in the LAN Deathmatch competition!"
Pointing to the pile of parts, Minako began to cackle. Xadium sighed. This was going to be a long day.
OPENING CREDITS: Theme Song: Eminem feat. Dr. Dre: "Without Me" (Haruka's Theme - Suburban Senshi: The Music)
ACT ONE
TEN'OU HOUSE
Haruka chuckled darkly as she hunched over her computer. Her left hand moved quickly, the optical mouse it held zipping back and forth rapidly. Haruka was totally silent, except for some occassional hard exhalations and the muffled obscenity under her breath. The sound of gunfire and explosions echoed all around her as she carved a path of destruction all around her.
"HOW GOES THE COUNTERSTRIKE?" Professor Tomoe asked, walking up behind Haruka and placing a cup of "tasty coffee" on the desk next to her.
"Fraggin' those punx0rs left and right," Haruka chuckled. "Ok check this out..." She pointed to the screen. "I'm on a server that punishes people for 'Team Killing'".
"WHEN YOU KILL SOMEONE ON YOUR OWN TEAM?" Tomoe asked.
"Yup," Haruka nodded. "Ok... now look at this trick..."
Haruka pressed a few buttons on her keyboard, and began clicking on her mouse. Presently, her on-screen character began lobbing grenades on the ground right in front of her-- which then exploded, injuring it.
"I DON'T GET IT," Tomoe said, as he watched Haruka's character get weaker and weaker.
"Ok, I'm down to 4 hit points now," Haruka said with something approaching glee. "Now I'm gonna go over to my teammate buddy here, and just peck him with a shot to tick him off..."
Haruka's avatar shot off a single bullet to its teammate, who spun around and also returned a single shot.
Professor Tomoe watched uncomprehendingly as Haruka's character died.
"WHY DID YOU SUICIDE?" Tomoe asked.
"Well, that guy finished off the job I started, right? So now he's a team killer, and he's banned from the server! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
"UHH..." Tomoe replied slowly. "HOW DOES GETTING YOUR TEAMMATE BANNED HELP YOU WIN THE MATCH?"
"He was bringin' the rest of us down man... he needed to be dealt with." Haruka smirked and crossed her arms, nodding to herself profoundly.
"YOU'LL DO ANYTHING TO WIN, WON'T YOU?" the professor asked in awe.
"Damn straight," Haruka replied. "There's no way I'm gonna let 'Taru-chan's team get the drop on me."
TOMOE HOUSE
"Hmm," Hotaru mused as she sat at the kitchen table with Chibiusa, rei.bot, and Minako. "As part of the stipulation for today's LAN deathmatch, I get to select the game, as long as rei.bot-san is prevented from representing the team."
rei.bot looked at Hotaru impassively, but her blue / grey eyes glowed slightly brighter.
"Don't feel too bad, rei.bot-san," Hotaru said soothingly. "Your reflexes are... well inhuman... and since I insisted that the LAN deathmatch take place in our kitchen out of public view, Haruka-poppa can't lean on her perfection field to keep up."
"Heh..." Minako said with a devious smile on her face. "I've owed Haruka-san for that humilating defeat in GOD Driving so many years ago..."
"hloy sit," Chibiusa muttered, a look of disbelief on her face. "dat was TEN facking yars agew!!!!1"
Minako chuckled darkly. "My decade-long grudge will finally be satisfied! Haruka-san will feel the wrath of the Goddess of Computer Gaming, Aino Minako!!" She pumped her fist in the air, the image of a crashing ocean wave pounding on seasside rocks appearing behind her for an instant.
"Scary..." Hotaru whispered, sweatdropping.
"But Mina..." Dr. Xadium asked, emerging from the Vending-machine shaped TARDIS parked in the far side of the kitchen, "how will all that junk you collected help you? Haruka's famed for eating and sleeping Counterstrike..?"
Minako shook her head. "That's a secret that will have to wait!!" She turned to Hotaru, holding up a data CD. "This is the game we're going to be playing."
Hotaru looked at the name of the game written on the CD and nodded, not really understanding. Computer games were not her specialty by any stretch.
"Now, X-chan, rei.bot-chan!! Your job is to get those parts ready!!" Minako ordered authoritatively, dumping the pile of parts she had collected onto the kitche table.
"The lady's got a plan..." Xadium muttered less-than-enthusiastically before Minako smacked him on the back of the head. "rei.bot, I need to get into this compartment here..."
rei.bot stuck her left hand out, and a flathead screwdriver emerged from the tip of her index finger. Leaning forward, she placed the slot of the screwdriver into position, and with a WHIRR, her finger rotated around at 1600 RPM, quickly removing the screw.
"Handy, aren't you?" Xadium quipped.
TEN'OU HOUSE
"Heh," Haruka chuckled as she slid on a black trenchcoat and slick black sunglasses. "Neko-chan's held a grudge against me for TEN whole years over that one time I whipped her in that racing game back at the old crown Arcade... she's gonna be reckless and wild... and in deathmatch, that's a losing combination."
"SO THIS'LL BE EASY THEN," Professor Tomoe said happily. "MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
"Crush them... Ten'ou...." Jedite muttered from his reclined position on the livingroom couch, where he lay in a pile of his own regurgitus.
"Bet on it," Haruka chuckled.
"I wouldn't underestimate Mina," Artemis said slowly, leaping from the ground to rest on Haruka's shoulder. "She's pretty intense when it comes to games. I should know, I was the one who figured out she would be trained on video games."
"Doesn't matter," Haruka said confidently. "I've still got the edge in terms of cutting-edge gameplay and tactics. I got a souped up gaming rig, and the lastest gear, PLUS my killer instincts. She won't have a prayer."
EYECATCH:
(Haruka walks up to Jedite)
Jedite: Suburban Senshi....
(Haruka punches Jedite in the face)
Jedite: ARRRR...gh
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Soylent Green... for all your midnight cravings... at your local supermarket now.
END COMMERCIAL BREAK
EYECATCH
(Haruka is sitting on the street next to Michiru)
Haruka: Suburban Senshi...
(A pretty lady passes by, Haruka ogles and Michiru grabs her ear hard)
Haruka: ARRRRgg....
TOMOE HOUSE, BASEMENT
"Heh, they must be scared as all hell," Haruka muttered. She was sitting at one side of a long folding table, her shiny, gleaming computer system already set up and humming. It was the latest and greatest gaming machine, with the fastest of everything and then some. No other gaming rig in Japan could even *begin* to touch it.
Minako's space, on the other hand, was empty, with only a Sailor V plushie on the table to mark her space.
"I dunno..." Artemis said worriedly. "I heard she was digging around in Xadium's TARDIS... he's got his hands on some pretty advanced tech, you know."
"Bah," Haruka said dismissively. "I can take whatever they dish out."
Presently, Minako and Hotaru came down the stairs into the basement, carrying a computer covered by a dingy white cloth. With some difficulty, they carried it across the room and dropped it into place on the table. Neither had a pleased look on their faces.
"Hahaha," Haruka laughed. "Geez, look at the size of that thing, you must've stolen a computer from the USS Enterprise or something to come beat me... are we gonna fight in VR or some crap?"
"Why is Haruka-san dressed like Neo from the Matrix?" Minako asked, confused.
"All the better to school you, my dear," Haruka said with a laugh, adjusting her sunglasses. "I'm gonna be pullin' moves you ain't never SEEN before, girl!"
Minako sighed as she pulled off the cloth on the computer.
Haruka's heart nearly froze as she saw Minako's computer. Then she busted out laughing, pointing at it and snorting. It was all she could do to avoid dying of laughter on the spot.
"HAHAHAHA! That computer's got to be older than YOU are! What is it, like a 486? I have pocket CALCUATORS that go faster than that [BLEEP]!! HAHAHAHAHAHAAH!" Haruka continued to laugh, overcome by mirth.
"Well it's all X-chan could give me," Minako said, shooting Xadium a dirty look. "I really had higher hopes for him."
Xadium hung his head in shame.
Haruka chuckled. "Well, that's too bad, Neko-chan.... really... but as they say, 'Cest la Vie.'"
Minako did not appreciate the pun. She turned on the computer, and they waited for it to load the operating system.
"Man," Haruka said, looking at her watch, "I'd like to get this done sometime today, please."
Minako fumed.
"So..." Hotaru started tentatively, "it's going to be a simple 'ten frags' match, right?"
"Yep," Haruka confirmed. "First to score ten kills on the other wins."
"And we get time outs for bathroom breaks and the like, yes?"
"NO WAY!" Haruka exclaimed. "You're not breaking my rhythm! Once we start, we don't stop until it's over, got it?"
"Fine," Hotaru muttered, disgusted.
"Finally!" Minako said, shooting Xadium another dirty look. "It's loaded, let's get playing."
"Uhh, Neko-chan," Haruka said, looking at the old clunker of a machine dubiously, "I don't think that thing can handle Counterstrike."
"Oh?" Minako asked sweetly. "Who said we were playing Counterstrike?" She handed Haruka the game CD.
"Heh, doesn't matter what the game is," Haruka muttered, putting the CD in her system. She chuckled as the disk whirred for a few seconds. Then the game came up.
"WHAT THE [BLEEP]?! DOOM II?!"
"Yep!" Minako said, suddenly cheery and confident, sitting behind her computer and starting the deathmatch mode.
"This is SEVERELY oldschool," Haruka muttered, "but I can dig it." She started up her multiplayer mode as well.
Minako nodded. "Let's go."
Haruka chuckled. "Bring it."
"deathmatch has begun" rei.bot said solemnly. "fight"
She flicked her mouse to start her character moving. It was then that she noticed something was wrong. Her character was spinning around in place like the Tasmanian Devil from Looney Tunes.
"The hell?" Haruka asked, looking at her mouse. "is the mouse broken?"
"NO!" Professor Tomoe exclaimed. "YOUR COMPUTER IS TOO FAST!"
As Haruka desperately tried to gain control of her character, Minako (on her slow 10 year old machine) waltzed over to the spinning sprite, loaded her rocket launcher, and fired.
"GAAAAAAAAAH!" Haruka exclaimed as her character blew up in a pile of pixellated gib. Instantaneously, it respawned in the same spot.
"RUN, RUUUUUUUN!" Haruka yelled, frantically trying to rebind movment to the keyboard. But it was too late. Minako had fragged her again.
"It's moving too FAST!" Haruka yelled, finally getting her space marine to move... promptly wedging it in a corner, where Minako picked it off with ease.
"TIME OUT!" Haruka yelled in a panic.
"no time outs allowed" rei.bot reminded Haruka.
Again and again. Minako laid waste to Haruka's character, racking the frag count ever higher.
"Gah!" Haruka muttered, palms sweating. The power cord! If she could hit the power cord, she could stop the game before it was all over and claim there was a power outage! Taking her eyes off the screen, she looked for the power cord.
"Haruka-saaan..." Minako sang melodiously.
"What?!" Haruka asked.
"It's not good to stand still in deathmatch."
Haruka turned her eyes back to the screen just in time to see Minako use the super shotgun on her character at close range to score the 10th and final frag.
"GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!"
SEVERAL MINUTES LATER
"You may have on this round, Hotaru," Haruka muttered. But tomorrow's another day, and you WILL go down!" She stalked off and left.
"Heh," Hotaru chuckled. "I think we're getting good at this double bluffing, eh Minako-sempai?"
"Well we learned from the best!!" Minako said, looking over at Haruka as she left the house. "And from now on all our wins will be victories!!"
In the joy of the moment, no one bothered to correct her.
TO BE CONTINUED
NEXT EPISODE PREVIEW
It's band marching performance time! Who will have the best halftime skit? You, the audience, will be the judge!!
END CREDITS: Theme song: Aqua - Happy Boys and Girls (Minako's Theme - Suburban Senshi: The Music)