EPISODE SG04 - "And the Senshi came marching in! Battle of the Bands!!"
Transcribed by Dr. Xadium (drxadium@DEATHTOSPAMgate.net) Originally aired June 26, 2004
Naoko Takeuchi is hereby thanked for her involuntary contribution to this fanfic.
Read the Official Suburban Senshi episodes at
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Suburban Senshi's Tomoe Hotaru is co-winner of the 2003 Senshi'ichi
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Please don't pirate this episode. Every time you pirate this episode, a stuntman dies.
EPISODE TEASER
Haruka: Last time, our episode really stank. You can blame that on the budget and nepotism. But this week, Team Ten'ou's gonna come back in STYLE as we pull out the no-holds-barred, in your face, super awesome marching band field competition!
Hotaru: Hah. Our winning streak will continue as we take part in the most innovative halftime field competion ever seen by man.
Haruka: That's a bold statement.
Hotaru: Yes, for we are emboldened.
OPENING CREDITS: Theme Song: The Spinners - "The Rubberband Man" (Artemis' Theme - Suburban Senshi: The Music)
ACT ONE
TEN'OU HOUSE
"Man, I feel ridiculous in this thing," Haruka muttered, tugging at the stiff, grey-blue military jacket she was wearing. "I look like a bellhop."
"THAT is the noble and proud uniform of the DARK KINGDOM SHITENNOU!" Jedite snapped in reply. "And you shall wear it with honour and dignity!"
"Hmph well it'll be the first time anyone's ever worn it with those traits in mind," Artemis said irritatedly, looking highly ludicrous in his baby-sized version of the uniform (which had ben tailored for his feline form)
"Quiet!" Jedite snapped. "Do you know how many times I had to shrink that thing in the wash for you?!"
"Well for all that it still has a stench on it, the funk of 10,000 years!" Artemis snapped.
"Look, Ten'ou was too CHEAP to BUY us matching uniforms, so you'll have to make do with my old ones!" Jedite snapped.
"But why do YOU get to wear the cool PGSM one with the gold shoulder trim and crap and we get the crappy bland anime ones?!" Haruka demanded.
"Because I'm the man," Jedite said suavely.
"No, I'm the man," Haruka retorted fiercely.
"I AM. THE MAN." Jedite countered.
"I'm more of a [BLEEP]ing man than YOU!" Haruka yelled as Professor Tomoe strolled in, sipping some coffee and adjusting his Dark General uniform.
"Ahh, the last one's here," Jedite said, assuming an air of authority. "NOW," he boomed. "LISTEN UP! A BAND IS LIKE A MILITARY UNIT! BAND MEANS TOGETHERNESS! WE FUNCTION AS A TEAM! THERE ARE NO STARS! YOU ARE TO RESPECT EVERY MEMBER OF THIS TEAM!"
Haruka replied by flipping Jedite the bird.
The Dark General scowled and continued, "REMEMBER YOUR TRAINING AND YOU WILL COME BACK ALIVE!"
"SO HOW ARE YOU FEELING, JED?" Professor Tomoe asked. "ARE YOU STILL SICK FROM EATING YOUR OWN--"
"I'm FINE!" Jedite roared. "So let's get out there and get to work!"
TOMOE HOUSE
Hotaru, Chibiusa, Minako and rei.bot all stood around the kitchen table, discussing their strategy for the upcoming field competition. They were still one game behind, and this game offered the chance to "tie up" the series. Victory was crucial-- there could be no errors.
"Hmm, well we know the performance piece... now we need to talk uniforms," Hotaru mused. "Band units are supposed to be cohesive in both action and appearance..."
"I know!!" Minako said brightly, pulling out her transformation pen. "We're all sailor senshi, ne? So let's just transform!! Our sailor suits are already uniforms!!"
"Not a bad notion," Hotaru pondered, "but rei.bot-san can't transform, can she?"
All eyes turned to the artifical human, who cocked her head to the side slightly and looked at them with a curious expression, her glowing blue/grey eyes brightening and darkening rapidly. She looked over her Shinto miko robes for a few seconds.
"this i do not know" rei.bot intoned. She held up her arm.
"mars crystal power make up" she exclaimed in a Zen fashion. Nothing happened.
rei.bot shook her head sadly. For her, transformation was not an option.
"Don't worry!!" Minako said cheerily. "I'll take care of this! Let's transform!!"
"VENUS CRYSTAL POWER, MAKE UP!!"
"Mon Krisiz Pawor Mak-pu!!11"
"SATURN PLANET POWER, MAKE UP!"
In a fantastic blast of golden, pink and purple light, the three girls transformed into their "Sailor" forms, leaving only rei.bot standing unchanged.
"OK..." Sailor Venus said, running out of the room for a moment, and going back into hers. Presently she returned, carrying something in her arms.
"a sailor mars cosplay suit" rei.bot intoned. Hotaru's eyes went wide. She had never seen an artificial human facefault before.
"You'll look good!!" Venus said happily, jumping up and down slightly as she proffered it to reibot, who for her part, eyed the costume warily for some seconds before accepting it.
Walking off, rei.bot changed into her "Sailor Mars" costume and returned.
"Hloy sit!!1" Chibi-moon exclaimed. "sis a spatting amwahe of sailer murz!!!1"
"humiliation" rei.bot said in an almost exasperated tone. "this skirt is too short for me"
"You'll get used to it," Saturn said slowly, in a tone that implied exactly the opposite.
"but to march in this" rei.bot protested.
"We must all make sacrifices for the team," Saturn said slowly. "I don't much like the idea of being a public spectacle myself."
"And Minako-sempai..." Hotaru added tiredly, "the Venus Microphone is not a legitimate band instrument..."
Venus sighed and put her microphone away.
Saturn sighed. "rei.bot has tuba and Chibiusa has the piccolo, and I think for the sake of us all, Minako-sempai and I will just do color guard activities."
Venus shrugged. "But Hotaru-chan, you don't look like the type who would enjoy jumping around and twirling things..."
Saturn pulled her Silence Glaive out of the ether, twirled it around several times in a figure 8 formation and slammed it's ornate butt into the ground, cracking the kitchen tile with an authoritative THOCK.
"Never mind," Venus said, sweatdropping.
"bat u kno wi dnt rally kno sit abut band krap," Chibi-moon said pensively, "how R wi supozed 2 wan dis sit?"
"Well," Saturn mused, "I'm sure the other side knows even less than we do, so the odds are probably even."
TEN'OU HOUSE
"So remember," Jedite snapped. "The way this is going to work is that we'll be marching and playing at the same time. We'll be moving in formation along with the music to tell a story."
"How do you know so much about this," Haruka said slowly and cooly, as she stood propped up against a wall, her arms crossed, and looking off into the distance, not really paying attention. "Were you a part of the Dark Kingdom drum corps?"
"Ten'ou!" Jedite snapped, wincing a little as the stabbing pains in his stomach returned. He walked up to her and got in her face, nose to nose. "NO ONE IS TOO COOL FOR THIS BAND UNIT, UNDERSTAND! YOU WILL FUNCTION AS A PART OF THE TEAM!"
Haruka sighed in a totally apathetic way, holding up her clarinet and swinging it around in as close to an obscene gesture as she could get (in her mind, anyway) "Yeah, yeah."
"Just what are you rebelling against," Jedite hissed.
"Whachya got," Haruka replied suavely.
"This is so STUPID!" Artemis protested, as he walked around with a little triangle attached to him. By swinging his tail around, he was able to "ping" it with the striker, which was mounted to it.
"Oh, and I suppose you want a TUBA?" Jedite complained, hefting a four drum set and slinging it onto his front.
"Why can't I have a cool baritone saxphone like the professor?" Artemis complained. "With this uniform and little fez on I look like an organ grinder's monkey or something!" He shot the professor a nasty look.
Tomoe grinned and played a wicked solo on his sax in reply.
Jedite looked at his watch and growled. "Ok, it's time. Get in formation!"
"This sucks, man," Haruka said cooly, deliberately moving slower than the others to get into position. "You better hope your stomach holds up, Jed."
Jedite scowled. "I lived in a filthy cesspool of a cave for 10,000 years. Do you think eating a little 'cow pie' will do ME any harm?!"
"Funny, you weren't sayign that the other day when you were uking your guts out all over the couch."
"SHUT UP AND GET IN LINE!!"
STREET OUTSIDE TEN'OU HOUSE
For the third time in four days, crowds had assembled in the bleachers in front of the Ten'ou and Tomoe houses. Shuffling uncomfortably under the hot summer sun, they waited patiently for the spectacle to begin.
"So, Haruka-tachi will go first?" Venus asked, as she and the others stood atop the roof of their house to get a better view of the street.
"Yes," Saturn nodded, standing and looking to the street for the first sign of Team Ten'ou.
She did not have long to wait.
----
Within minutes the sound of rythmic, precision druming filled the air. Vague, hazy silhouttes appeared at the head of the road, black and wavy in the shimmering superheated air of high noon.
"What's that tune Jedite's playing?" Venus asked curiously. "It sounds really, really familiar..."
Without missing a beat, Saturn replied, "The Imperial March from Star Wars."
"vader's theme it is" rei.bot intoned.
"seund lik yoeda U du" Chibimoon joked to rei.bot, for which she was rewarded with a soft karate chop to the head.
"HAHAHAHAHAHA!" Venus laughed, slapping her knees and pointing to Artemis, who was somehow managing to work the triangle into the Imperial March. "The little hat on his head makes him look like an organ grinder's monkey!!'
As if he heard her, Artemis lifted his tail strategically for a split second, holding the triangle striker aloft in a rude position.
Venus fumed.
"I don't understand..." Saturn mused. "They all are playng instruments... with no color guard... how will they do the halftime performance?"
"observe" rei.bot said in an almost surprised manner as she pointed to Jedite. Her robotic eyes glowed, and internally she was able to zoom in to crisply see his hands and the drums.
"Whoah," Venus exhaled, her sharper senshi sight (though nowhere near as good as rei.bot's) allowing her to see the same thing.
"He's not holding the drumsticks," Saturn noted. "He's playing them telekinetically."
"Is that cheating?" Venus asked.
"I'm not certain," Saturn replied. "He's still controlling the sticks, just with his mind."
"UR Popa playz a meen sexaphon," Chibi-moon said as she watched Professor Tomoe, his face still obscured in pitch blackness even under the noonday sun-- grooving with the sax--yet still in time with the others. Haruka, for her part, played her clarinet, but her eyes betrayed a look of total disinterest.
"I'd wanted the Xylophone," she muttered under her breath.
"They are in lock step," Saturn mused. "GAH! She's using her perfection field-- for a SPECIAL EFFECT?! "
Haruka's perfection field kicked in, but differently than usual. Instead of making her perfect and irresistable, the omnipresent sakura petals that usually followed her about now swirled around the whole band like bits of confetti. The backup music that usually just cooed around her was now modulated, mimicking the beats of the Imperial theme. All in all, it was an impressive spectacle.
"Hotaru-chan?" Venus asked Saturn curiously. "I always wondered-- you're a soldier of the outer planets too, how come you don't have a perfection field thing??"
Saturn sighed. "Because I'm not an egoist who's full of herself."
"Is that all it takes??" Venus asked herself curiously.
"I don't even have a *henshin sequence*," Saturn fumed. "So as you can imagine, a perfection field was quite out of the question for the likes of _me_."
"Moh, you're better off without it," Venus replied. "All the guys ogle you when you transform, it's embarassing."
"Sacrifice your very being for the world," Saturn muttered, not listening. "And will they even give you a very simple set of *stock footage* NO! THEY ONLY HAVE TO ANIMATE IT ONCE FOR GOD'S SAKE!"
"Of course it *is* kind of neat to be asked to transform..." Venus mused dreamily, giggling, also not paying attention.
"pay attention here" rei.bot interrupted. "jedite"
"What's he doing?" Saturn snapped. The Imperial march was still playing in perfect harmony, but Jedite was raising his hands to the crowd in a very familiar gesture.
"No way!!" Venus exclaimed. "Is he going to suck their energy??"
"No..." Saturn mused... "He's using them as... *props*!"
"PROPS?!"
The people began marching out of the stands in lockstep, as Jedite began directing them with his arms even as he marched, not even looking sideways to see what he was doing.
Flowing into the street, they began to assume a formation, marching in patterns which smoothly parted and reformed to allow Team Ten'ou to march between them.
"What are they doing..." Venus pondered.
"The people... are arranged like a big circle, and team Ten'ou is arranged like a small circle...."
"orbiting like a small moon" rei.bot observed.
Saturn watched as Team Ten'ou, still playing the Imperial theme, marched in "orbit" through the ring of people. Then, all of a sudden, the music shifted to a more sinister theme, a familiar refrain also from the _Star Wars_ films.
"Wait..." Saturn said, her eyes going wide. "That's no moon..."
"THE DEATH STAR!!" Venus shrieked as Haruka managed to summon her talisman in front of her (it was levitating so she sould continue to play her tune), and then a beam of harmless light lashed forth into the "planet" formed by the hypnotized people, who swarmed away from each other in a highly organized, rigidly precise display of chaotic explosion.
Team Ten'ou marched straight through the chaos, with groups of people turning on their heels in in unison, heading in different directions to simulate flying asteroids. The "Death Star" continued its stately pace as the people began returning to the stands, until finally it was the only formation left in the streets.
Then, with lockstep precision, the circle collapsed into a square formation, and Team Ten'ou resumed the imperial march, going to the end of the street and stopping.
"dizyam," Chibi-moon exclaimed.
"Hotaru-chan..." Venus began slowly. "They didn't miss a single step. How are we going to beat that?"
Sailor Saturn stood impassively, saying nothing.
EYECATCH:
(Minako is wildly cooking in the kitchen, splattering stuff everywhere)
Artemis: Suburban Senshi....
(Minako steps aside to reveal the devastation)
Artemis: ...ARRgh
COMMERCIAL BREAK
For Boys and Girls! It's International Log!
Don't forget your Kenko-Kun Plus!
McDonald's Happy set Pokemon turn your kids into Gamblers!
Buy Sailor Luna's crap or in the name of Toei we will PUNISH YOU!
END COMMERCIAL BREAK
EYECATCH
(Professor Tomoe is cloning something in the lab, Hotaru watches)
Hotaru: Suburban Senshi...
(Tomoe reveals the end result of his work, a cavorting Kaolinite)
Hotaru: aRRgh....
As team Ten'ou exited the field, the three Sailor Senshi (and cosplayer) looked at one another.
"How the hell do we beat that?!" Venus exclaimed.
"We just go ahead with the original plan and hope for the best," Saturn muttered. "That's all we can do."
rei.bot and Chibimoon grabbed their instruments as Saturn summoned her Silence Glaive and Venus her Love-Me chain. The four leapt from the roof of House Tomoe in unison, arcing high into the air, with Venus twirling her glittering gold chain around them, reflecting the light so it seemed like the team was descendng in a cloud of glittering sparkles. The three Sailor soldiers daintily touched ground, but rei.bot's feet smashed the asphalt under her as she landed. Still, the group was in perfect square formation, and Chibi-moon and rei.bot began to play their tune as Venus twirled her chain and Saturn her glaive, which was releasing all manner of purple ribbos of light. At times Venus would release her chain, allowing it to spin aound her as she blew golden heart-shaped kisses in various directions, stll moving in lock step with the others. She would then grab the chain before it landed, starting the process all over agan.
HOUSE TEN'OU - ROOF
"The hell are they playing?" Haruka asked, a stick of pocky in her mouth substituting for a rebellious cigarette. "Doesn't sond like any conventional theme I know."
"It's... familiar..." Jedite wheezed, doubling over and depositing some of his stomach contents in a bucket. He had used his formidable willpwoer to hold back the pain for the duration of the march, but now that it was over... the bile must flow.
"MUHAHAHAHAHAHAH!" Professor Tomoe laughed. "I KNOW IT!"
"Hmm?" Artemis asked, glad to be out of his monkey outfit. "Hey, why is Mina suddenly breaking ranks and marching ahead of them doubletime?"
"Hah, she [BLEEP]ed it up for them," Haruka laughed.
"They're all breaking formation and marching faster. Now they're all going in different directions, turning at right angles and converging on Mina... and she's dodging them... she's still tossing love-and-beauty shock hearts alll over the... OMG!!"
The pattern only became clear when Saturn's purple ribbons straightened and overlaid the road, forming a glowing maze. Venus' hearts formed a trail all throughout the maze-- a trail she was erasing as she passed over them, marching in time with the others but avoiding them as she moved.
"HOLY [BLEEP] it's street Pac-man!" Haruka exclaimed. Indeed, with their multicolored Sailor fuku, the other senshi looked like the ghosts, turning and pivoting as they navigated the maze, rei.bot's tuba playing the Pac-man theme and chibi-moon's picollo approximating the sound made when a normal pellet is eaten. With the chain twirling around her, Venus looked like Pac-Man navigating the board. The whole scene was like a clockwork game of toy soldier maneuvers.
"Hey," Artemis said, pointing with one paw. "Mina's approaching a heart that's larger than most of the others."
"Power pill!" Haruka exclaimed as Venus reached it. Suddenly rei.bot's playing changed to a low siren-like tune, and the three "ghost" marchers expertly switched directions and began moving away from Venus as she pursued, still marching at the same pace and speed, without looking directly at any of the others, and following the lines of Saturn's maze.
"IMPRESSIVE SYNCHRONIZATION," Tomoe muttered as Venus would reach up right behind one of the "ghosts", causing them to turn aside and return to a point in the center of the maze as the chase wore on. After a few moments, the music switched back, and Venus was back on the run.
"She's about to get the last heart," Artemis noted. As Venus did this, the maze vanished, the ghosts chased after her in a straight line, and it was in this straight line, as rei.bot played the Pac-man "escape" melody, that the four left the field.
"Hmm," Haruka mused. They had done a better job than she had expected. Now it was up to the audience to decide who had won this round of the games.
TO BE CONTINUED
NEXT EPISODE PREVIEW
Minako: That's right!! You, our special audience, get to vote on who won this competition!!
The way this is going to work is like this: email X-chan at drxadium@gate.net and rate each of our teams (Tomoe and Ten'ou) on the following basis (thanks, Moonstar-san!):
I - The highest you can get. It means that that band or corp did it the best they could and there was no way they could have improved it.
II - Great, but could have been better on some things.
III - There was a lot to improve upon.
IV - They should have just stayed home.
We're doing it by email so no one will be tempted to throw the results! You have until Monday the 28th, so get going!! ♡
And don't forget, next week it's another audience judged event!! The Suburban Senshi Summer Anime RPG Soap Opera Mock Concert!! You won't want to miss it!!
END CREDITS: Theme song: U2 - Hold Me, Thrill Me, Kiss Me, Kill Me (Chibiusa's Theme - Suburban Senshi: The Music)