EPISODE SG05 - "It fell on deaf ears! The Summer Anime RPG Soap Opera Mock Concert: TEN'OU SIDE!!"
Transcribed by Dr. Xadium (drxadium@DEATHTOSPAMgate.net)
Originally aired July 4th, 2004
Naoko Takeuchi is hereby thanked for her involuntary contribution to this fanfic.
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EPISODE TEASER
MINAKO: The all-singing, all-dancing capstone to the Suburban Senshi Summer Games has begun! This week, Team Ten'ou takes the field with their performance piece entitled, "I am The Very Model of a Totally Painful RPG!!" So get your voice checked and prepare to sing along!! A special commercial free one act episode!!
OPENING CREDITS: Theme Song: Bon Jovi: It's My Life (Haruka's CONFIDENCE theme - Suburban Senshi: The Music Vol. 1)
TEN'OU HOUSE
Jedite sat at the livingroom table, an aura of black ki swirling around him as he leafed though a sheaf of papers Haruka and Artemis had handed him the night before.
"By Metallia, there's NO WAY I will read these lines!!" Jedite roared, slamming his fist down on the table.
"Desperate times call for desperate measures," Haruka fumed, "we lost the last event, so now we have to do this [BLEEP] to win the series."
"MY LINES ARE ATROCIOUS!" Jedite yelled, pointing to the copy. "And they don't even all properly adhere to the musical selection!"
"Hey mine are WORSE, OK?!" Haruka exclaimed, almost shedding a tear. "You know ME... can you imagine these lines comin' out of MY mouth! God.... I sound totally--"
"Don't say it, Ten'ou!" Jedite warned.
"--totally--" Haruka continued.
"Don't!" Jedite snapped .
"--DUBBED!" Haruka yelled. "Not even my Ikuhara perfection field could overcome this [BLEEP]!!"
"Gah, you said it," Jedite fumed with an exasperated sigh. "Oh well, let's get on out there and get this over with."
Haruka nodded and left with the incensed general as they made their way to a darkened stage set up on the street. Haruka not even bothering to use her perfection field this time out, depressed as she was over what she was about to do.
ENTER TEAM TEN'OU: HARUKA, PROF. TOMOE, ARTEMIS, and JEDITE. Narrating for their side is MICHIRU.
Michiru: This is a story... of love and hate. And hate and love. And loving hate. And hating love. Of love that hates to love, and hate that loves to hate. Of love hating to love and hate loving to hate. Oh wait... I said that already. But that's all right-- this won't be the last time things get repeated for you in this sordid tale of passion, violence, violent passion and passionate violence. This is the story of a Union Aerospace Corps Dark Kingdom Space Marine and his semi-requited love for an Outer planetary Sailor Senshi, a forgotten warrior from the dawn of the space program known only as Sailor "2000 EB173"
(More or less to the tune of the opening stanza of "I am the very model of a modern major general" from the Pirates of Penzance")*
*MIDI here (keep on autorepeat)
JEDITE:
I am the very model of a modern Dark General,
I've skills dark, evil and totally maniacal,
I suck energy out of victims while laughing hysterical,
I am the very model of a modern Dark General
JEDITE:
But one day cracked my black heart made of super solid granite stone,
I looked about the field of battle and saw myself all alone,
I'd turned the planet Mars into a veritable killing zone
A solitary victor on his red and bloodied golden throne
HARUKA:
To the field of battle I warped from deepest deep outer space,
A hideous and scary sight did meet my fair and bright young sailor face,
Someone had conquered Mars and made it a right well scary place--
I got ready for war with my can of Outer Senshi Pepper Mace
ALL:
She got ready for war with a can of Outer Senshi Pepper Mace
She got ready for war with a can of Outer Senshi Pepper Mace
She got ready for war with a can of Outer Senshi Pepper Pepper Mace...
HARUKA:
But then I saw him sitting atop his super bloody golden throne,
A man of rugged good looks and oh he was so very much alone,
I knew this had to be the hand of blessed divine fate you see,
Finally there would be someone to date Sailor 2000-EB173!
ALL:
Finally someone to date Sailor 2000-EB173
Finally someone to date Sailor 2000-EB173
Finally someone to date Sailor 2000-EB17 173...
JEDITE:
I saw her coming from a distance that was very very far,
Her sailor fuku flapping in the wind she was ready for total war,
I powered up and prepared to do violent battle and then to deadly spar,
To smite this warrior maiden from a very very distant star
HARUKA:
In the name of my guardian planet this space hunk I was to punish bad,
But my heart beat faster faster faster- it was totally utterly mad,
In truth to look on his face I was gratefully gleeful joyful glad--
For I had never seen such a fair-faced hunkalicious cute spaceman lad
ALL:
For She had never seen such a fair-faced hunkalicious cute spaceman lad
For She had never seen such a fair-faced hunkalicious cute spaceman lad
For She had never seen such a fair-faced hunkalicious cute spaceman spaceman lad...
JEDITE:
I rose from my bloody seat, energy massing about my clenched fist,
Ready to pummel this silly intruding Sailor Senshi warrior miss,
When out of nowhere came a touch of infernal majestic lovely bliss--
She jumped foward and gave me a wet sloppy sloppy sloppy kiss!
ALL:
She jumped foward and gave him a wet sloppy sloppy sloppy kiss
She jumped foward and gave him a wet sloppy sloppy sloppy kiss
She jumped foward and gave him a wet sloppy sloppy sloppy sloppy kiss...
ARTEMIS:
I hissed and scratched and did my best to hold back the lusty brat
I couldn't believe my eyes-- Not I, her trusty grey guardian cat,
I'd guided her and taught her and fought wherever darkest evil was at,
But here she was making out with the baddie in under ten seconds flat!
HARUKA:
I knew that to love a villain was a thing forbidden this is true,
but really if you'd seen his hunky face you'd have done it quickly too,
I was lonely and sought a love that was fresh and bright and very shiny new--
So what if he cracked open people's heads and used the brains for tasty meat stew?
ALL:
So what if he cracked open people's heads and used the brains for tasty meat stew
So what if he cracked open people's heads and used the brains for tasy meat stew
So what if he cracked open people's heads and used the brains for tasty meat a meat stew... EWW!!
JEDITE:
So I sat there for a few minutes with her just happily merrily sucking face,
when something came to mind from a very dark and dreadful evil place,
it was a black and shadowy guise, a very scary face it's doubtless true,
It was the evil creature who had given me dark life anew
ALL:
It was the evil creature who had given him dark life anew
It was the evil creature who had given him dark life anew
It was the evil creature who had given him dark life a life anew...
TOMOE:
HEY THERE MR. JEDITE WHAT ARE YOU DOING WAY OVER THERE
YOU'RE SNOGGING WITH A SAILOR SENSHI OF THIS FACT ARE YOU AWARE
YOU HAVE A SACRED DUTY TO OUR MIGHTY MASTER NEGAFORCE
IF YOU DON'T FULLFILL IT YOU WON'T PASS HIS MIGHTY EVIL COLLEGE COURSE
JEDITE:
Blast it there goes my hope for a love that is freshly new and free
I need to kill this girl to get my Evil College P H D
But if I do in my dreams only her face will I always see
Oh why oh why does this [BLEEP] always have to happen to me?!
HARUKA:
What's the matter my lovely evil Dark General dear,
You look at me with terrifying face that's obviously filled with fear,
You've gone from looking hunky to a bad ripoff of Richard Gere,
is it possible that my lipstick red, it has begun to ugly smear?
ALL:
is it possible that her lipstick red, it has begun to ugly smear
is it possible that her lipstick red, it has begun to ugly smear
is it possible that her lipstick red, it has begun to ugly ugly ugly ugly smear...
JEDITE:
I really hate to say this my short-skirted moon-faced sailor love,
But I'm an evil iron fist sheathed in a bright white leather glove,
I have dark evil orders from my nasty masters quite far above--
and this means that I have to kill you, my sweet little turtle dove!
ALL:
And this means that he has to kill you, his sweet little turtle dove
And this means that he has to kill you, his sweet little turtle dove
And this means that he has to kill you, his sweet little turtle turtle dove...
HARUKA:
Oh why the [BLEEP] does it always have to come right down to this [BLEEP],
A stupid order from a main boss hampering my getting a bit,
Now I have to stop my kissing and get ready to fight,
I have to show this Dark General man my super Sailor Senshi Might
JEDITE:
And so she left my lap and flew right down onto the ground,
her mini skirt flipping up as she twirled completely all around,
as I had visions of twin half moons plump and nicely round--
my attention was broken by a stern warning speechly sound
ALL:
His attention was broken by a stern warning speechly sound,
His attention was broken by a stern warning speechly sound,
His attention was broken by a stern warning speechly speechly sound,
HARUKA:
So your true dark colors come to ugly light at long last,
you went from steamy lover to playa hater pretty damn fast,
while the fact that the comics code might permit this is very true,
In the name of 2000 E B 1 7 3 I'll punish you!!
ALL:
In the name of 2000 E B 1 7 3 she'll punish you!!
In the name of 2000 E B 1 7 3 she'll punish you!!
In the name of 2000 E B 1 7 3 she'll punish punish punish punish you!!
MICHIRU:
And so they punched and kicked and scratched and spun and bloody rowdy fought,
But after sixty hours their titanic battle was for naught,
neither could get advantage either tactical or physical,
they were perfect matches, but with feelings dark inimical
JEDITE:
I stood there on the battlefield and looked into her pretty face,
All I could do was imagine her in delicate and silky lace,
I didn't want to bludgeon her with my mighty dark energy mace,
but she was ticked and hurling magic attacks all over the place,
ALL:
but she was ticked and hurling magic attacks all over the place
but she was ticked and hurling magic attacks all over the place
but she was ticked and hurling magic attacks all over all over the place...
HARUKA:
I yelled and screamed and tossed all my super senshi magic shots,
this really sucked because that Dark Guy was hunky hunky hunky lots,
I really wanted to get up close and find out what he was all about,
but i was stopped by my blasted fate as a stupid stupid sailor scout,
ALL:
But she was stopped by her blasted fate as a stupid stupid sailor scout
But she was stopped by her blasted fate as a stupid stupid sailor scout
But she was stopped by her blasted fate as a stupid stupid stupid sailor scout...
JEDITE:
This was a really really really really really stupid fight,
I did not want to crush that sailor whelp with all my evil might,
even with the voice yelling in my head things diabolical,
I did not do the wicked things that were so evilly logical
TOMOE:
LISTEN NOW YOU EVIL MAN YOU'RE MY MIGHTY SUPER BATTLE THRALL,
WHEN I TELL YOU TO KILL I EXPECT YOU TO GIVE IT YOUR VERY ALL,
IF YOU CAN'T FIGHT AND MAKE THAT STUPID SAILOR SENSHI CRY AND FALL,
THEN I'LL ASSIGN YOU TO BE THE GUARD OF MY EVIL MINI MALL
ARTEMIS:
Hey now super sailor two thousand E B 1 7 3,
this is no time to be railing against your mighty senshi destiny,
you have to go out there and swat that evil dark general flea--
if you don't just think about the super Public Relations tragedy!
ALL:
Just you think about the public relations super super tragedy
Just you think about the public relations super super tragedy
Just you think about the public relations super super super super tragedy...
MICHIRU:
And so it was the two lovers were mocked by the darkest fate,
their destiny assured was to battle and thus cross annihilate,
they stood there silently this sad thing set to deeply contemplate,
when suddenly from nowhere they just decided to go on a date,
ALL:
when suddenly from nowhere they just decided to go on a date
when suddenly from nowhere they just decided to go on go on a date...
JEDITE:
Oh I love you love you love you love you love you love you this is true,
i can't keep my distance for being so terribly horribly blackly blue,
i must spend my every waking moment embraced tightly with you,
even if it means my dark overlord will turn me into viscous goo
HARUKA:
Yea, for even though this does offend my feline guardian animal,
I too must have this love that is so very highly damnable,
My feelings of love are beyond thought logical or rational--
the things we'll do if this was IRC would be so bannable
ALL:
The things they'll do if this was IRC would be so bannable
The things they'll do if this was IRC would be so bannable
The things they'll do if this was IRC would be so very bannable
MICHIRU:
And so they kissed and smooched and hugged and groped and smooched and kissed some more,
Their passion was new and wild and crazy it was the stuff of yore,
Then all of a sudden it ended with a very bloody deafening roar,
Because you see E B 1 7 3 couldn't take the feeling any more
ALL:
Because you see E B 1 7 3 couldn't take the feeling any more
Because you see E B 1 7 3 couldn't take the feeling any more
Because you see E B 1 7 3 couldn't take the feeling any any any more...
HARUKA:
Oh Jedite he who I love allow me to briefly solioquize,
Sorry that in the middle of our love embrace I poked out your eyes,
But you see the truth is I'm very highly truly abominable
I must betray you for historical reasons old and dry and very dull
JEDITE:
It's okay my pet even though you made me very totally blind,
I understand your sailor senshi total utter loyalty bind,
You can do with me whatever thing horrible first comes to mind--
I know that in your heart you're a girl that's still very very kind
ALL:
I know that in your heart you're a girl that's still very very kind
I know that in your heart you're a girl that's still very very kind
I know that in your heart you're a girl that's still very very very very kind...
HARUKA:
No you don't quite get it you see I'm a sadist through and through and through
I manipulate, decimate and obliterate my lovers too,
Everything I do I do out of a sense of misplaced hate and rage,
Truly I'm a girl of the emancipated modern age
ALL:
Truly she's a girl of the emancipated modern age
Truly she's a girl of the emancipated modern age
Truly she's a girl of the emancipated modern modern age...
JEDITE:
My love for you is too deep for a simple blinding it to thwart,
you have totally taken captive my fierce black evil stony heart,
So please take your mighty plastic sailor toy store mega weaponry,
And run me though and make me die and set my evil soul free
HARUKA:
And so I stand here holding my super powered plastic ultra weapon toy,
ready to put an end to this hunkalicious dark general boy,
but something in my heart it screams don't do this now you stupid cow,
Oh why the hell can't I put this right cutie pie of an evil man down
JEDITE:
Come now I'm ready to make the ultimate of very noble sacrifice,
making me beg for death while blind isn't really all that nice,
don't you want to call out your stock attack phrase cute and magical--
to put an swift end to my malicious reign tyrannical?
ALL:
to put an swift end to his malicious reign tyrannical
to put an swift end to his malicious reign tyrannical
to put an swift end to his malicious reign so very tyrannical...
MICHIRU:
And so the Dark General stood there arms wide waiting for a quick death,
but instead he heard the sailor girl take in a sharp angry breath,
before he knew it with magic she had fixed his blinded broken eyes,
he blinked them once and gawked at her with undisguised surprise,
ALL:
he blinked them once and gawked at her with undisguised surprise
he blinked them once and gawked at her with undisguised surprise...
HARUKA AND JEDITE ALTERNATE:
H: My cat tells me I should kill you now with all dispatch and much haste,
J: The voice in my brain tells me to savage you and lay you waste,
H: My super ancient duty to Serenity commands I pummel you to paste,
J: But somehow we know that these things will never ever take place!
JEDITE AND HARUKA:
Love you hate you love you hate you love you hate you love you haaate,
hate you love you hate you love you hate you love you hate hate hate,
backstory backstory blah blah blaah backstory backstory hey hey hey,
we can stand here mumbling this same crap over all the live long day
ALL:
they can stand here mumbling this same crap over all the live long day
they can stand here mumbling this same crap over all the live long day
they can stand here mumbling this same crap over all the live long day
MICHIRU:
And so they stood there on the super bloodied plains of ravaged Mars,
Each of them a prisoner of the Sailor Senshi Shittenou wars,
Full of love and full of hate, any drastic move they wouldn't make,
Because they knew that if they did then their leave we would have to take
ALL:
Because they knew that if they did then their leave we would have to take
Because they knew that if they did then their leave we would have to have to take...
TOMOE:
DAMN THIS SUCKS THE PLAY IS THROUGH AND NOTHING'S HAPPENED THAT'S REAL NEW,
IT LOOKS LIKE THEY WERE PLAYING ME AND DEFINITELY PLAYING YOU,
THEY WON'T KILL AND THEY WON'T DIE BUT THEY WILL STOP TO WAIL AND CRY,
BUT THE PLOT IS STUCK NO MATTER HOW HARD ANY OF US PUSH AND TRY
ARTEMIS:
This is nuts well I'm packing up and definitely going home,
Those two can stand there, pose whine bitch and over and over moan and groan,
I've got better things to do with my time like see how fast I can spin a dime,
Whoever thought this infinitely looping role playing crap up should be charged with a thought crime.
ALL:
Whoever thought this infinitely looping role playing crap up should be charged with a thought crime
Whoever thought this infinitely looping role playing crap up should be charged with a thought crime
Whoever thought this infinitely looping role playing crap up should be charged with a thought thought crime...
ALL:
And thus you see just how it is that bad RPG can make one wince
as many players just like this are stuck this way forever since!
FIN.
"Gah!" Haruka panted, exhausted. "I NEVER, EVER want to do [BLEEP] like that AGAIN!"
"You're telling ME," Jedite said darkly. "This had better have been worth it, Ten'ou... we'd better win, because if not... I'm taking it out of YOUR hide."
"Hey, the cat came up with the lyrics," Haruka protested.
Artemis shrank in horror under Jedite's withering gaze.
"Bah", the Dark General said, scowling. "This was YOUR stupid bet, Ten'ou, YOU dragged us into this. So YOU will be the one to pay."
"Arrgh," Haruka sighed, praying to whatever was listening that the judges would be kind.
TO BE CONTINUED
NEXT EPISODE PREVIEW
Minako: That's right!! Once again, You, our special audience, get to vote on who won this competition!!
The way this is going to work is like this: email X-chan at drxadium@gate.net and rate team Ten'ou's performance on a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being the worst and 10 the best!
We're doing it by email so no one will be tempted to throw the results! You have until Monday the 12th of June, so get going!! ♡
And don't forget, next week it's the finale of the Suburban Sneshi Summer games as Team Tomoe goes on stage!! The Suburban Senshi Summer Anime RPG Soap Opera Mock Concert continues!! You won't want to miss it!!
END CREDITS: Theme song: The Crystal Method: Name of the Game (Jedite's CONFIDENCE Theme - Suburban Senshi: The Music Vol. 1)