MiST: Turist Omer Uzay Yolunda (Turkish Star Trek)
September 11th, 2003

<--=[ SpeedRcrX ]=--> Guys! I finally leeched that video off edonkey, the Turkish Star Trek thing
<FireFly_9> This could be mildly interesting...
<// J_Daito //> By Metallia-- hotaru, will you never admit to being a "fan" of anything?
<FireFly_9> "fan" is shorthand for "fanatic", something I am definitely not.
<// J_Daito //> Unless we're talking about apocalyptic imagery or the end times...
<FireFly_9> ...
<--=[ SpeedRcrX ]=--> Everyone check out the video, Prof. T is streaming it now
<.'~SugaBB_2999~'.> gd 4bid Ulazy batches culd sit arund 1 TV nd wach it
<--=[ SpeedRcrX ]=--> But then we'd have to share space with Michiru
<.'~SugaBB_2999~'.> o sit i 4got abut dat
<// J_Daito //> Hey! They ripped off the theme song to the original _Star Trek_!
<// J_Daito //> Not to mention the zooming shots of the _Enterprise_
<GERMATOID> BUT IT'S ALL LEGAL BECAUSE THEY TINTED IT ALL ORANGE!
<FireFly_9> Because we all know that in its deepest depths, space is the color of breakfast fruit.
<// J_Daito //> Now the theme music's changed to a rip of the twilight zone
<FireFly_9> A cheery, Go-go 60's uptempo version.
<--=[ SpeedRcrX ]=--> MAn, it's even got guitar riffs... I could see 60's go-go girls grooving their booties to this hip sound
* --=[ SpeedRcrX ]=-- drools
* FireFly_9 groans
<// J_Daito //> Hey Ten'ou... maybe they'll have green Orion slave-women...
<--=[ SpeedRcrX ]=--> They were the BEST part of original Trek! w00t!
<FireFly_9> Yes, the incisive, dramatic exploration of the human condition rates as a pale second to the might of the green slave women of Orion.
<--=[ SpeedRcrX ]=--> I didn't know you had those tendencies, Hotaru--
<// J_Daito //> So all the old Doujin are true?
<FireFly_9> It was *sarcasm*.
<--=[ SpeedRcrX ]=--> Oh... now it's back to the Trek theme
<// J_Daito //> And the enterprise is zooming thru the orange void...
<FireFly_9> Of course THIS Enterprise, unlike the original, Glows.
<--=[ SpeedRcrX ]=--> Because someone set the contrast up to SUUPA MAXIMUMU!!

<.'~SugaBB_2999~'.> STFU Genreal "Gey-Dite"
<// J_Daito //> WHY YOU LITTLE
<--=[ SpeedRcrX ]=--> But weren't you and Kunzite--
<// J_Daito //> ZOISITE, YOU MORON, AND IT WASN'T ME!! I KEEP TELLING YOU I HAD A YOUMA ON THE SIDE!!
<--=[ SpeedRcrX ]=--> So beastiality then.
<// J_Daito //> ARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHH
<FireFly_9> Honestly, that joke is so old by now...
<GERMATOID> WHY IS EVERYONE SPEAKING IN REVERB?
<// J_Daito //> I just noticed that too... What the hell...

<--=[ SpeedRcrX ]=--> Okay, they've beamed into some ruins...
<// J_Daito //> And there are no redshirts... just some guy in a *brown* uniform
<GERMATOID> WE'D DO A SCREEN CAPTURE, BUT IN ALL LIKELIHOOD HE'LL BE DEAD IN A MINUTE! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA!
<--=[ SpeedRcrX ]=--> Starting Countdown clock at 7:35.
<// J_Daito //> Oh yeah, his punk ass is already wandering off by himself... goodbye, ye ol' "Brownshirt"
<.'~SugaBB_2999~'.> i thot only dere shortz got brown b4 dey dyed
<// J_Daito //> Now some blonde chick named "Nancy" shows up out of the woodwork... err, I mean rock-work...
<--=[ SpeedRcrX ]=--> But she looks expected
<GERMATOID> NO I'D SAY CONSTIPATED
<// J_Daito //> True, true
<--=[ SpeedRcrX ]=--> WHOA
<FireFly_9> Interesting... she changes appearance based on who's observing her.
<GERMATOID> A RADICAL INNOVATION IN SCI-FI PLOT!!!
<--=[ SpeedRcrX ]=--> At this point they give up stealing the Trek BGM and just settle for plucking random strings on a deformed koto.
<// J_Daito //> Wait. Now the GREEN shirted crewman is being lured away by the woman... just what color signifies "I'm a dead man" in this plagiarized mirror universe?
<.'~SugaBB_2999~'.> ghey... I meen greay....
<// J_Daito //> I'M GOING TO GET YOU, YOU LITTLE

<// J_Daito //> Greenshirt's dead... I guess green is the deadman's flag in this universe
<GERMATOID> SURE YOU DIDN'T KILL HIM, SHAPECHANGING ALIEN HONEY... SURE YOU DIDN'T... SAY, CAN YOU TURN INTO KAOLINTE FOR ME?
<FireFly_9> Don't you mean "Keiko?"
<GERMATOID> HUH?
<FireFly_9> Dearly departed mama?
<GERMATOID> OH, ERR, YES! KEIKO. YES.
<--=[ SpeedRcrX ]=--> A SURE sign of alien ATTACK-- ROUND orange LIPSTICK marks to the FACE!
<// J_Daito //> And the Trek BGM returns... at 2x speed and 5x pitch.
<// J_Daito //> Wussy Spack... callin' back to the ship for "help"
<--=[ SpeedRcrX ]=--> You'd think he could handle a little thing like a murderous lipstick-wearing killer alien all by himself
<--=[ SpeedRcrX ]=--> And of course the REAL Enterprise Bridge SFX serve as the background for...
<// J_Daito //> ... the rock-filled cave and the man-droid's service hatch.
<FireFly_9> It's only logical.

<--=[ SpeedRcrX ]=--> THE HELL.
<// J_Daito //> Now we're back to the alien cave
<FireFly_9> Oh no... I think I see where this is going.
<// J_Daito //> Pleas e enlighten us, O precognisant one
<--=[ SpeedRcrX ]=--> Back to that wedding...
<// J_Daito //> [BLEEP]! his ass got BEAMED UP
<--=[ SpeedRcrX ]=--> And by beamed up we mean "vanishes from the next frame of film".

<--=[ SpeedRcrX ]=--> Now Omer is playing with MAn-droid's "knobs".
* // J_Daito // snorts
<FireFly_9> Don't put "knobs" in quotes to make it sound salacious... they literally *are* knobs...
<--=[ SpeedRcrX ]=--> Spoilsport.
<.'~SugaBB_2999~'.> shez alwayz puting a wt blaket on everyting
<--=[ SpeedRcrX ]=--> Umm... did the Gold Droid girls just get mandroid drunk on juice?
<// J_Daito //> Looks that way...
<FireFly_9> Ah... now the plot seems to make sense.
<--=[ SpeedRcrX ]=--> It DOES?
<FireFly_9> It seems the mad Scientist has brought Omer to the planet to frame him for the murder of Kirk's crewman.
<// J_Daito //> Anywhere in the universe you go, it's always the [BLEEP]ing same... "pin it on the drunk turkish brother".
<// J_Daito //> What. The. Hell.
<FireFly_9> The bridge turbolift door opening and closing sounds are literally some person going "whoosh" into the sound mix. And completely desynchronized from the actual movements of the doors, at that.

<--=[ SpeedRcrX ]=--> IT'S ATTACK OF THE ORANGE SPACE STOCK FOOTAGE!!!
<// J_Daito //> IT's just the captain's log
<// J_Daito //> huhuh I said 'log' huhu
<FireFly_9> This is getting asinine...
<// J_Daito //> How many locations have we seen, anyway?
<--=[ SpeedRcrX ]=--> Orange Space, Enterprise bridge, transporter wall, alien planet exterior, mandroid cave, turkish shotgun wedding.
<// J_Daito //> You just added "space" to make it so I couldn't crack on being able to count all the locations on one hand.
<--=[ SpeedRcrX ]=--> heh
<// J_Daito //> Ok, the blonde alien killer woman just caressed the wounds of the dead green-shirt and licked her hands senusally.
<--=[ SpeedRcrX ]=--> This is insane.
<--=[ SpeedRcrX ]=--> Oh wait, no it's not... she turned into the guy...
<// J_Daito //> Which means she would have had to have licked those women...
<GERMATOID> DOWN, TEN'OU!
<FireFly_9> I hate to point out that by that logic she can also turn into Omer as well.
* --=[ SpeedRcrX ]=-- goes sterile
<FireFly_9> And now "he" has beamed up to the ship
<--=[ SpeedRcrX ]=--> Omer is tied up with wire and the women are raising his bed up and down while a man watches.

<--=[ SpeedRcrX ]=--> ROFL
<--=[ SpeedRcrX ]=--> Oh that is so sad... Turist was harassing spock and he banged into the wall and shook the whole front set visibly...
<FireFly_9> Making it clear that the "computer bank" was a very wobbly desk
<// J_Daito //> No man... it's gravitically untethered to maximize shock absorption during sudden turns.
<GERMATOID> GOOD SAVE! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
<// J_Daito //> Okay, the alien dude... I mean lady... I mean dude who was a lady... erm, lady who was a dude... Ten'ou, help me out, you're the expert with all this crossdressing [BLEEP].
<--=[ SpeedRcrX ]=--> You know when you put it that way, suddenly I feel very uncomfortable with the way I've been leading my life.
<--=[ SpeedRcrX ]=--> The alien walks down a hall and stops when he sees this woman... there is an instant look of animal lust on their faces

<FireFly_9> Who says I don't have an interest?
<--=[ SpeedRcrX ]=--> Do tell!
<FireFly_9> Well I'm not interested in anyone right now...
<.'~SugaBB_2999~'.> wat abut dat altleet gui woo was lik week lik U an he tuld U 2 B strog?
<FireFly_9> I soured on him after the steroid, blood doping and creatine abuse revelations.
<--=[ SpeedRcrX ]=--> That's harsh, man.
<FireFly_9> Oh, how juvenile!
<// J_Daito //> (Omer just stuck a scanner on his pants and the shipboard computer's gone wild)
<--=[ SpeedRcrX ]=--> And now he's made a red alert
<// J_Daito //> The Vulcan won't believe him when he says the ship was just responding to his manly self
<--=[ SpeedRcrX ]=--> I'd have a hard time buying that line myself
<--=[ SpeedRcrX ]=--> So apart from annoying the people on the ship...
<// J_Daito //> Hey! Omer has done more so far than fancy-man Kirk has!
<--=[ SpeedRcrX ]=--> Point taken
<// J_Daito //> Omer's taught Spack a joke that makes the computer laugh hysterically and spit smoke...
<--=[ SpeedRcrX ]=--> Since computers don't drink milkshakes or have noses
<--=[ SpeedRcrX ]=--> CAN THAT WIDE-EYED SHIFTY FACED ALIEN LOOK ANY more SUSPICIOUS?!
<// J_Daito //> no
<FireFly_9> And now he licks Omer's hand... again.
<GERMATOID> HEY THE ALIEN PLANT IN YEOMAN RAND'S QUARTERS KNOWS THE SCORE!
<// J_Daito //> Yup, that paper mache' covered sock is whimpering like a kicked puppy on crutches being run over by a bus...
<--=[ SpeedRcrX ]=--> Holy [BLEEP] the hand sucker just changed into Samuel L. Jackson

<--=[ SpeedRcrX ]=--> Man, that Fire effect is the most realistic of them all!
<// J_Daito //> There's a reason for that, Ten'ou... there's a *reason*.
<FireFly_9> "The flames are real, but the actor's screams of mortal agony are an incredible simulation."
<--=[ SpeedRcrX ]=--> OH WTF. I'm supposed to believe Kirk climbed up the ruins, picked up a solid boulder half his size and hurled it straight through the air, managing to get enough airtime so that it hits the alien in the head?
<// J_Daito //> What? It's *kirk* man... he's always doing stuff like that, and havign rivalries with his brothers Hades and Ares... and sometimes Xena shows up too... they were legendary journeys I tell you! Legendary!
<FireFly_9> And then the irate alien picks up the boulder and hurls it *sideways* and down, yet it manages to end up flying *upwards* and in the exact opposite direction in the next frame.
<GERMATOID> IT'S TURKEY! THE LAWS OF PHYSICS DON'T APPLY!!
<// J_Daito //> And why was there a turbolift door sound when Spack came running through an open stone archway?
<--=[ SpeedRcrX ]=--> He was *stoned*?
<FireFly_9> Har, Har.
<GERMATOID> AND HE SHOOTS THE ALIEN WITH A GIANT FILM SCRATCH FROM HIS PHASER!
<FireFly_9> (accompanied by turbolift sound, appropriately enough)
<GERMATOID> WAIT. THE ALIEN IS DEAD, BUT THERE ARE TWENTY MINUTES LEFT IN THE MOVIE... WHY DO I FEEL AFRAID?
<--=[ SpeedRcrX ]=--> God... they played stolen happy Trek BGM over the dead body of a crewman... and then they played episode ending BGM, but then realized the show was still going so they abruptly cut it off
<// J_Daito //> I'd like to cut this off right now
<--=[ SpeedRcrX ]=--> And they did the ending BGM AGAIN
<// J_Daito //> Look, this is obviously some messed up parallel universe... when you hear the OPENING BGM know the movie is gonna end.
<// J_Daito //> And now the alien, as Dr. Makoy, is framing Omer AGAIN
<--=[ SpeedRcrX ]=--> You'd think they'd notice him sucking his fist into his mouth all the time
<// J_Daito //> Nah, I bet they think he's aping Dr. Evil
<FireFly_9> Isn't that the "Doomsday Machine" BGM they're playing at 5x speed?
<--=[ SpeedRcrX ]=--> Yes, for the actionless exposition scene.
<// J_Daito //> And now they've swtiched to an original composition... by the sample melody button on a cheap CASIO keyboard
<--=[ SpeedRcrX ]=--> And Turist gets groped by the alien a THIRD time....
<// J_Daito //> Can't Kirk rip open his shirt, give a speech and end the episode already?
<--=[ SpeedRcrX ]=--> Is that a communicator in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
<FireFly_9> Do we have to guess.
<--=[ SpeedRcrX ]=--> WHAOAH
<--=[ SpeedRcrX ]=--> It turned into a Vulcan woman
<// J_Daito //> What's so impressive about that?
<--=[ SpeedRcrX ]=--> First green on the inside, then green on the OUTSIDE!!
<// J_Daito //> Orion Slave girl w00t!
<FireFly_9> I doubt their budget could take the strain of dipping a woman in green paint.
<GERMATOID> AWW, THEY'D JUST TOSS A BUCKET OF GREEN PAINT ON HER HEAD
<FireFly_9> True.
<// J_Daito //> Oh! it's on now! Kirk vs. Spock for the life of the alien female!!
<--=[ SpeedRcrX ]=--> So Spock kicks the crap out of Kirk, knocking him all over the place until finally the captain gets in a kick and sends Spock landing right next to a cache of combat staffs.
<// J_Daito //> Because every alien planet's landscape is littered with caches of combat staffs
<--=[ SpeedRcrX ]=--> OK rule #1-- when you use an action double... don't do a TIGHT zoom in on his face.
<// J_Daito //> No, that's no double... Kirk really looks all nasty and inhuman with his face scrunched up like that
<--=[ SpeedRcrX ]=--> holy [BLEEP] you're right
<// J_Daito //> And then the alien chick changes shape and no one even cares that Spock was about to bash Kirk's head in with an alien shovel anymore
<FireFly_9> Now they just walk away.
<// J_Daito //> ENTER: MANDROID
<FireFly_9> And a rather anorexic looking one, at that.

<--=[ SpeedRcrX ]=--> No Kirk... don't bother trying to seize the tactical advantage... just stand there slack jawed letting the absurd scene kick you in the guts
<// J_Daito //> Isn't that what he's been doing all movie?
<--=[ SpeedRcrX ]=--> And so he waits for them to regroup and start kicking his ass again
<FireFly_9> And now OMER is the one working the computer...
<--=[ SpeedRcrX ]=--> Here comes the big exposition scene where the defeated mad scientist explains what's going on so our boys can fight / pity the alien
<FireFly_9> Of course it is all in Turkish so we can't follow a single word of it.
<// J_Daito //> And Spock gets jumped, the mad scientist lipsticked to death.
<FireFly_9> It is so sad when Dr. McCoy's ex wife Nancy, who was never seen in the movies or the TV series ends up as a character in a Turkish pirate movie.
<// J_Daito //> Bigger Trekkies than trekkies themselves
<--=[ SpeedRcrX ]=--> AUUUUUUUUUUGHHHHHHHHHHH
<--=[ SpeedRcrX ]=--> I'M BLIND

<FireFly_9> So... this whole movie was a ripoff of the salt-sucker Star Trek Episode.
<// J_Daito //> With Omer and mandroids thrown in for fun
<--=[ SpeedRcrX ]=--> Why does Spack get 4 cheek kisses goodbye from Omer instead of two like everyone else?
<FireFly_9> Best not to ask.
<// J_Daito //> And why was Kirk hugging Omer so enthusiastically while getting kissed?
<FireFly_9> Best NOT to ask.
<--=[ SpeedRcrX ]=--> Omer got beamed down with Spock ears
<GERMATOID> JUST WHAT DID HE DO TO SPACK DURING THAT KISS FEST?!
<FireFly_9> And he can do the nerve pinch... o_O;;