I kept telling her that wasn't an effective method but she wouldn't listen

I always love when you retell the story of Child Support:Origins

EVERYONE

EVERYONE

Are you paying attention

Yes poppa, what is it

It's Time for the annual Suburban Senshi Thanksgiving Day Special!

Okay first of all, we live in Japan

Secondly, Thanksgiving was several weeks ago

Look here at Suburban Senshi we are all about Multiculturalism and not sweating the small stuff like details and s[BLEEP]t

You just want to eat Turkey, don't you Ten'ou?

I will neither confirm or deny

hay sum1s at da doar wat turkay

Excellent

So how are we celebrating this "Thanksgiving", dear? By listing what we are thankful for?

By mocking a movie

Of course. That makes total sense.

Today's movie is called "The Humanoid" (or alternatively, "L'umanoide" or "Humanoid" depending on where you are. It is a ripoff of Star Wars. It is such a deep ripoff of Star Wars the director even calls himself "George B. Lewis" in homage to George Lucas.

This is like if you were to make a movie, isn't it

Well you know I watched this a few weeks ago and forgot half of it and couldn't be bothered to rewatch it again to get pictures so I just grabbed a frame every 30 seconds and picked some from that and am going to do my best to remember it from memory

This is a new depth of laziness

I prefer to call it efficiency. Besides, great art is all in the limitations. Anyone can put out a polished final product.

...Anyone.

Yeah let's get started

So this movie is such a rip that even the opening credits are in the Star Wars text crawl

The opening narration, kept in the original italian, even through the movie is in English, is too

What does it say?

To paraphrase the first season of Tiger King, "That b[BLEEP]ch Barbara Gibson".

What? That whole thing

Basically. You'll see

So we start with what looks like the ass-end of a Star Destroyer. But it's not.

The not-Star Destroyer is chasing another ship to a planet.

I think I've seen this movie before

On this ship, multiple Darth Vaders are piloting, because if one was great for Star Wars, think how popular a movie would be with fifty.

There's even a giant-size one for maximum Darthness

...

So the Death Star ripoff s[BLEEP]ts out a ship that looks like a Space Manta Ray - sending it to Tatooine the planet That B[BLEEP]ch Barbara Gibson lives on. Darth, you see, wants her dead.

Why?

Yes.

What

I'm sure there are reasons™ but I've either forgotten them or they were so lazily explained they weren't memorable

So we finally get our first look at Princess Leia That B[BLEEP]ch Barbara Gibson, who's a space desk jockey or something

No less than Three Space Vaders are sent to kill the s[BLEEP]t out of her

Let us enjoy Space Vader action

Now their boss, the Vader Prime, has a name but f[BLEEP]k if I remember it.

He's so badass you can actully see part of his face

THE STUFF ON HIS FACE MAKES HIM LOOK LIKE SPANDAM FROM ONE PIECE

He's about as effective

So they leave but they didn't get That B[BLEEP]ch Barbara Gibson.

Oh this is our Luke or Han Solo I dunno which I forgot his name

And this is some old dude in charge of s[BLEEP]t I forget his name too. They're all unimportant

Where does the Humanoid come in? And what happened to That Bi-- to Barbara Gibson?

Okay so check it out

She survived because she got out of the office buildings before the Vaders attacked. Because she had gotten a psychic warning that took over her body and puppet-walked her out

From the Humanoid?

No

From THE ASIAN CHILD

TOM-TOM

...tom tom?

You're making that name up right

nope.

And Tom-Tom is a short mystical asian child

Don't be racist. This is space

Ethnicity

Doesn't matter here

NO

HE IS ASIAN YOU DO NOT UNDERSTAND

YOU WILL

HE IS ALSO OUR YODA

..............

That B[BLEEP]ch Barbara Gibson chastises him for controlling her body

Okay so we finally get some plot now

So Vader is in love with this chick from James Bond

Now she's apparently a super-ancient space-hag but she is being kept youthful by a treatment

The treatment is being given by this old guy. It consists of stripping a woman naked then impaling her to death in a plexiglass iron maiden, then using her blood-juices to keep space hag alive for another day

OH OH

Now I remember

The whole raid on the office where That B[BLEEP]ch Barbara Gibson worked? It was to break in and steal a super rare element that this guy could use on people to create... The Humanoid

Okay, but what is the humanoid?

Patience

So we cut now to another Bond Alumni, Richard Kiel, aka Jaws, who is chilling on a planet with his space-dog

y am i wetching spase dag - asz

I'm certain you've seen worse sights, Chibiusa-chan

So anyway the Space Vaders catch him for scientist guy, who decides to pump him full of the secret chemical s[BLEEP]t that makes him super strong, bulletproof and indestructable - AKA the HUMANOID

(I consider this Jaws' (from Bond) origin story btw because it perfectly explains where he gets all that super strength)

So Space Vader decides to send THE HUMANOID down to Not-Tattooine to kill the s[BLEEP]t out of the government (that old guy who I forgot who he was before) and he kills the s[BLEEP]t out of 99% of the guards and is about to kill Dollar Store Luke / Han when all of a sudden

THE ASIAN CHILD

Who uses his SPACE ASIAN POWERS to UNLOCK GOODNESS IN THE HUMANOID

Who now has all the strengths and none of the weaknesses, just like The Daywalker

STOP CALLING HIM THE ASIAN CHILD. IT'S F[BLEEP]KING SPACE

HE'S THE TATOOINE CHILD OR SOMETHING

Again, you show your ignorance.

Anyway

Even Space Vader is like "What the f[BLEEP]k" at these developments, and he kidnaps That B[BLEEP]ch Barbara Gibson to suck out her blood and feed to his woman for another day of life for her (not pictured)

But THE HUMANOID (who I guess is Chewbacca now) THE ASIAN CHILD (Yoda) and Han / Luke w/e go off to save her.

STOP BEING RACIST

I'M NOT

It's not funny, Haruka-poppa

...

fine

So they get on the fakeass death-star, blow it up, you think the HUMANOID is dead because he blows up a missile right next to him but SURPRISE B[BLEEP]CHES he's THE HUMANOID so makes it out okay, they get back to Space-Tatooine where That B[BLEEP]ch Barbara Gibson makes out with THE HUMANOID after Tom-Tom the wunderkind turns him human again...

OH AND TOM-TOM SAYS GOODBYE BECAUSE HE HAS TO GO BACK TO HIS HOME, ANCIENT TIBET, ON A F[BLEEP]KING GLASS ORIGAMI PAPER CRANE SPACE-SHIP THAT FLIES OFF INTO THE F[BLEEP]KING SUN

...oh so he was Asian all the time

ARRAAARGH

So

If you want to see this movie it's actually on youtube

Check it out, it's pretty fun

So how would you rate this movie, Haruka-poppa?

Plot: 1/2 Dragonballs out of 2

Visuals: 1 Dragonball / 2

Audio: 1 Dragonballs out of 2 (it was by Ennio Morricone but damn if I could tell.)

Overall feeling: 1 out of 1 Dragonball for the sheer WTFery

so... 3.5 dragonballs out of 7. A fun timewaster.