SUBURBAN SENSHI EPISODE TWELVE: "THE FOUR HORSEMEN CO--- "---Wait just a minute please!" "Hotaru, what are you doing? We're shooting the season finale!" Hotaru frowned. "Unfortunately, we can't. It would seem the author has gotten swamped and lacks the inherent willpower neccessary to write the finale to any degree of reasonable quality." Haruka scowled. "That [BLEEP]head! Now what are we supposed to do? We can't do another one of those experimental Shakespeare-type parodies! People are still sending us hate mail with the heading "What the [BLEEP] were you thinking!?" Hotaru shook her head. "Well someone will just have to write the season finale for the author. We're already three weeks late as it is." "Good luck then." Haruka began walking offscreen. "Stop right there," Hotaru said darkly, suddenly wielding the Silence Glaive and pointing it straight at Haruka, who sweatdropped. "I think this is a task eminently suited to your special skills." "But I'm no writer!" Haruka protested. "Why don't you ask Michiru or something! She's the artsy type!" Hotaru sighed. "Do you think the audience would actually stand for a 52 kilobyte missive on 'Why Kaiou Michiru is superior to all other forms of life on Earth?' Even my 'Silence Wall' wouldn't be able to protect us from the readers' wrath!" Haruka shrugged. "I think you're severely overinflating our audience numbers here, 'taru-chan." Hotaru frowned. "I don't care. While you fill in for the author, I'm going to go hunt him down and make sure we have some kind of proper season premiere for Season Three." Haruka sighed. "But what am I supposed to write about!?" Hotaru scowled. "Use your imagination!" Hotaru paused. "Perhaps that is too tall an order. Just write about your day. Surely that will not be too taxing." As Hotaru walked off-screen, Haruka balled up her fists and yelled, "Are you implying I have no imagination!?" "I'll show her," Haruka mumbled under her breath. "Let's see here..." SUBURBAN SENSHI EPISODE TWELVE: "WHAT HAPPENED TO ME TODAY" Haruka chuckled. "Genius. Sheer Genius! The title looks deceptively ignorant, but it will only serve as a foil for my literary brilliance!" EPISODE PREVIEW "Ohh no," Haruka said with amusement. "No spoilers here. Speaking of which, maybe I should issue a spoiler warning..." HARUKA: "Yo! This episode will blow your mind! And if you haven't seen Sailor Moon S... well then you wouldn't know who I am, would you? So that's spoiled already. Hmm. Well, there might be a spoiler for SuperS. Nah, there isn't really. What the heck is a 'SuperS' anyway? I'm glad I skipped out on that whole year and took the opportunity to drive around the world with my woman and the child we kidnapped from her amnesiac father instead. Oh, and there are spoilers for Stars, so if you still don't know about it, skip everything after the teaser." By Dr. Xadium (drxadium@DEATHTOSPAMgate.net) Haruka paused. "That lazy bum won't get any credit for this one." By Ten'ou Haruka (hellno@YOUARENTGETTINGMYEMAILYOUPUNKSPAMMER.com) Naoko Takeuchi is hereby thanked for her involuntary contribution to this fanfic... and for having the good taste to highlight the brilliant yet severely underrrated exploits of the superbly perfected Ten'oh Haruka which will not be detailed here. I mean, will be. Ugh. Read the Official Suburban Senshi episodes at http://dr_xadium.tripod.com/subsenshi or I'll introduce you to Mr. Fist. Visit the NEW constantly updated Suburban Senshi Weblog at http://dr_xadium.tripod.com or I'll... you know. TEASER "I wonder why they call it that, anyway?" Haruka mused. "Anyway," she muttered, cracking her knuckles. "Let's do this!" FADE IN My eyes lock onto the foul-smelling amorphous blob-thing as it oozes forth, slowly perambulating, its gelatinous filth-ridden form sloshing ever closer, the manuric stench from its interior violently slamming up my nostrils, a hideous perfume ala rotting roadkill. For me there is no escape. The universe contracts and expands in one smooth simultaneous movement, like a sick camera trick from one of Hitchcock's sense bending thrillers. I flinch. This disgusting nugget of diseased evil has my name all over it. The bile in my throat rises, a vomitous tide of searing acidic pain, as the blob shifts form, dripping sheer caustic menace. Helplessly, I watch as it teeters, an excited ripple passing through its quivering jelloish body. I watch, hand over mouth, as the repugnant mass lurches forward, hurling itself downwards, a ballistic glob of corporeal nausea. With a sickening "SPLOT", it smashes into the field of pure white rice below, exploding and spreading its vile infection throughout the confines of my breakfast bowl. "You'll really like this!" Michiru said, flashing a hyena's smile of stupified malevolence as she gleefully tossed another "helping" of her special breakfast into my plate. The only thing Michiru's food ever helped was a hapless diner into his early grave. A well-meaning but terminally clueless and incompetent chef, Michiru wanders the world dispensing her "help", leaving behind a trail of traumatized victims whose lives are forever marked by a sense memory of having ingested raw sewage. Medusa herself would have turned to stone just *looking* at one of Michiru's meals. Still, there's something about her angelic smile that makes her impossible to resist. It's the same deadly smile Nature gives to all the truly dangerous creatures-- the cute, fuzzy grin of the vicious man-eating tiger, or the mindlessly contented smile of the killer crocodile. Between Michiru's bewitching smile and the pile of rapidly decomposing "brekfast" on my plate, my eyes were locked in a sick orbit, moving from one foci to the other with increasing helplessness. "Sit! Eat!" Michiru exclaimed with the cheerfullness of a well-paid executioner getting time and a half. Her voice was lyrical and sweet, a siren song laced with deadly subtext. As I helplessly moved forward, entranced, a helpless moth towards the flames of culinary perdition, I secretly wondered where the hell Jedite was. I pay him well to extricate me from these deadly situations. "Jedite!" I croaked, the desperate cry of a drowning woman about to be overcome by a tidal wave of contaminated corn flakes. The Dark General emerged from the shadows behind me, silently moving to his seat like a blue-grey specter. "Help me," I said gutterally, forcing the words out of my mouth like a dying man using his last breath. "Suffer your fate with dignity, Ten'ou," Jedite said in a low, sinister voice. There was just a tincture of diabolical glee lacing the edges of his acid tone. "On the other hand, don't. I want to savor every second of your pain." Sheesh. Leave a man suffering from an ice-related phobia locked in a small walk-in freezer for 18 hours and this is how he gets. Human nature is truly a sick thing to behold. So there I stood, my life about to be snuffed out by my life partner's hand. It's funny. We'd been prepared to do anything for our mission in the past: kill others, let others be killed, even kill ourselves if the situation demanded it. We were two messianic superzealots, ready to bring down the sword of Damocles with all the self-righteous fury of the holy anointed. But that was then. This was now. The world had turned. Peace had come to the Earth, and domestic tranquility was the order of the day. All the great wars had been fought, the history books written. It was time for old soldiers to live out the rest of their days in hard-earned peace and security. There was no [BLEEP]ing way I was gonna let myself get killed by something that resembled the end result of a giant squid's enema. It was time to take my stand. It was time to look Michi in the eye and utter the most dangerous word in the Japanese language. "No." I said flatly, crossing my arms assuming the implacable pose of a stone Buddha. Immoveable. Untouchable. Invincible. To the untrained eye it would have seemed as if Michiru had not reacted. Her smile was still firmly fixed in place, her eyes just as bright and clear as ever. Her complexion was flawless as always, and her breathing was steady as a metronome. To the untrained eye, she had not heard me. But *I* felt the subtle onrush of 'ki' rising from her, the leaden presence of heavy energy, the dark tumultous rumbling of a storm threatening release. I saw the beautiful serene frame of Kaioh Michiru rocked by invivible undercurrents of rage building, rage upon rage upon rage, pressing and solidifying into a tangible skein of tightly wound malevolence. "Oh?" she asked sweetly, her composure and attitude still outwardly beatific. "As you wish," she said happily, gesturing at an empty chair. "Please sit while I fetch you something *else*, Haruka." There exists among the master martial artists a specific skill though which combatants can size each other up with nothing more than careful observation. It is said that a true battle between two masters involves them standing dead still, gazing into each other's souls until one realizes the depths of his weakness and backs down in acknowldgement of his complete inferiority. As I heard Michiru speak, I knew then that I had been utterly defeated. The difference in our power was simply too great. I sat, not out of willingness, but because the blood had left my legs due to fear. It was either the chair or the floor, and dignity chose the chair. "You know," Jedite said quietly, his voice suddenly low and distant, "once in the Dark Kingdom I was in love with a Youma." He looked over at Michiru, hauucinating images of his former love. "Tetisu." The word escaped slowly, sublimating in the deadly silent void that was now between us. I wondered what gutwrenching tale of woe this hardhearted scion of darkness was about to reveal. "One day," he said slowly, "some well-armed human explorer made his way into D-Point-- the location of our headquarters-- and the first thing he found was Tetisu." Jedite paused, looking with a distant gaze at the lump of malformed waste that was slowly eating its way though my plate. I dared not bid him continue. But presently, he gathered his strength and spoke again, his gaze locked on the noxious morsel of poison. "After she split his skull and ate its contents, the stuff that was left behind kind of looked like that-- but at least it wasn't bubbling quite so much." Jedite laughed darkly as I felt the blood leave my temples. As I sat there, watching Michiru move, pondering the saying that "the shape of a girl who is cooking is truly good", I knew then that whoever had said that was completely, utterly dead wrong. Jedite's knowing chuckling served as the dramatic underpinning to the macabre scene which was playing itself out before me. I was watching a sick evil parody of Kaioh Michiru moving around, a sinister harpy whose sensuous navigation of the kitchen belied her dark, murderous purpose. Here was the jilted lover, the scorned woman of Shakespearean fame. Here was Lizzie sharpening her axe for Andrew, Annie preparing to avenge herself upon Paul, Clytemnestra running the bath for Agamemnon. Don't ask my why I thought of that just now. It was the classical mythology I used to read as a child along with my science fiction novels and racing rags. Hey. I had to be well-rounded; you never know what's going to happen to you. We might be the momentary twinklings in a fragment of the space, after all.* *Thank you VKLL? Michiru turned in super slow motion, ready to launch her latest gastronomic assault upon my person. The phone rang, its shrill bell an electric knife piercing the dread moment. On the other end was some kind of mechanized, computerized voice. Apparently my old high school rival, Elza Gray, had just been kidnapped, and I was supposed to go alone, delivering a ransom of one billion yen to a certain address in thirty minutes, or the girl would be executed. Whew. Miracles do happen. ACT I: A SINISTER SEED SOWN If there's one thing Michiru, Jedite and I have in common, it's that we never play by somebody else's rules. We forge our own paths, self- righteously doing whatever we think needs to be done in order to secure our objective. So, after laughing at the extreme bad luck of whatever fool had decided to phone in a ransom demand to two *Sailor Senshi* and a former *General of the Dark Kingdom*, we all powered up / transformed, ran along the rooftops and made our way to the exchange point as a group, sans cash. Who needed money? We were going to pay the enemy with, as Jedite put it, "Fresh Pain".. It was sure to be a cakewalk. After all, what normal mortal punk could even hope to stand a chance against *us*? We made our way to a vantage point across the street from the drop point, a secluded bench nestled in the heart of Ichinohashi park. "Stop right there!" a voice rang out from the shadows. Michiru, Jedite and I looked at one another askance. "You three are getting in the way of my man's master plan! And I won't allow it! For hatred and injustice! Da Pretty-Suited Sailor Soldier, Sailor Supervolt! In the name of Evil, I shall punish you! ALKALINE TIDE!" "I sense danger," Michiru said ominiously as a blast of scalding battery acid flew towards us, the caustic liqud gouging steaming holes in the ground, and melting parts of our Sailor fuku into molten plastic. "Really? Thanks for the timely warning!" I snapped, readying a "World Shaking" attack. We still hadn't gotten a good look at our enemy. Suddenly, she appeared far up in the sky, dodging easily as we hurled our most powerful attacks at her. I noticed something about her movements as we fought. "Look!" I said to Jedite. "She moves like you do when we spar!" Jedite nodded. He'd seen it too. Neither of us knew what to make of it. She liked to attack from the air, levitating and raining down her insane battery-themed special attacks. Only Jedite, who knew how to fly, could keep up with her. "I've felt this energy somewhere before!" he said as he rose up to face her. "Die!" Jedite roared, launched a massive wave of Dark energy towards the still-obscured Senshi. "SUPERCHARGE---" Suddenly I felt tingly inside... as if every part of my body was filling with power. But it was uncontrollable energy, not something that could be harnessed-- a hyperkinetic rush of overexcited ions building in intensity with each passing second. It was like having your entire body be on pins and needles. Looking around, I could see Jedite and Neptune reacting as well. We couldn't move, pinned by the sheer influx of power. "--BLAST!" Then the energy overloaded, exploding from within us. The next second, we were on the ground, barely concious. The darkened silhouette of Sailor Supervolt stood above us, laughing. "Look..." Neptune said weakly. "That... light...." The last thing I saw before I passed out was the faint gleam of an imperfect starseed, glistening like an ashen jewel as it hovered over a lotus-flower formation atop Supervolt's forehead. A FEW HOURS LATER Cellphones turn men into Faustian demons, summonable at the precarious whim of any human fortunate enough to know the secret number. They make escape from the demand of moderns society impossible for everyone but the most die-hard of technophobes. Coolness and trendiness via keitai was easily achievable, but only at the cost of your eternal serenity. The phones go off at the most inconvenient times, like when you're in the middle of a movie, or meditating in the corner of your room, or even when you're lying unconcious on the roof of a High-rise building in downtown Tokyo after having every cell in your body tasered by a faux Sailor Soldier. Groaning, I sat up and pulled out my cellphone. It was the mechanized voice again, sounding like a drugged-up slow motion Stephen Hawking. "That wasn't very smart, Ten'ou... tipping off the Sailor Senshi like that. You're lucky I didn't kill the girl." "You wouldn't kill her," I said confidently. "You'd never get the money." "True," the voice said. "But I can maime her. You wouldn't want her *maimed*, would you?" I pondered this. At school, Elza was always bugging me to race her. Race me, Ten'ou. Today I can beat you, Ten'ou. Even though you beat me the last FIFTY TIMES we raced I'm confident I can defeat you today, Ten'ou. I believe in myself, Ten'ou! Your leg is in a sling? Perfect! Let's race, Ten'ou! Maybe a maiming wasn't such a bad thing for Elza. "I can't believe you're actually having to think about that!" the mechanized voice said in shock. "Uhh... you can't maime her, you [BLEEP]ard," I said in a flat monotone. Sometimes it's hard being the heroine. Hey! I wouldn't really let her get maimed... but it was pleasant to think about for a few moments. "Better," the voice said with modulated satisfaction. "Now, thanks to your little stunt, I have to change the drop point. Pay attention. This is where I want you to go-- oh, and don't bother sending the Senshi again. I can tell if you do. You're going to go to the sidewalk in front of Crown Game Center..." I shook my head. Who the heck was doing this? We detransformed and decided to head back to the house in order to plan a new strategy. BACK AT THE HOUSE, FRONT LAWN "What the [BLEEP]is this?!" I exclaimed, standing in stunned paralysis. There was a HUGE Semi-truck, all white except for a single black star painted on the side of the trailer, parked in the driveway. Master Hino and Yuuichiro from next door were helping a bunch of workmen unload equipment from the truck into the house. "Ahh, Haruka-chan," Master Hino said, coming up to me. The old man was leering, his head bobbing up and down like a precision scanner, taking in every concievable detail about my person. I shuddered inwardly, almost wishing I was face-to-face with a slimy youma instead of the geriatic spawn of Happosai. "What's going on here?" I demanded. "Your friend came over and asked if we could help him move his things into the house, so we used the spare key and let him in for you." "My friend?" I looked around quizzically, finally taking notice of a tall, lab-coat wearing, insane maniac sitting on the front stoop surrounded by junk food and coffee cups. "Professor Tomoe!" I said indignantly, stalking over to him. "What the [BLEEP] are you DOING?!" The insane scientist tilted his shadow-covered face upwards, his glasses glowing with reflected light. He looked up at me, his mouth stuffed with a half-swallowed doughnut. With effort, he sucked the rest of the doughnut into his face and swallowed. His mouth then opened into a wide crimson grin and he laughed maniacally. "Well?!" I pressed. "I'm MOVING IN!" Souichi Tomoe said. "MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" "Wha--?" I asked, stupefied. "Well," he began, "I was EXPERIMENTING in the lab with some really TRICKY extra-dimensional STUFF, and wouldn't you KNOW IT, as SOON as I had managed to SUMMON Master Pharaoh 95, the SPACE imploded and SUCKED UP my entire MANSION into a SINGULARITY! So I decided, it's TIME for me to live with my Daughter again, so I made the decision to MOVE IN to your BASEMENT! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" "Wai-wai-wait..." I said slowly, not trusting myself to believe what I had just heard. "You were SUMMONING MASTER PHARAOH... 95?" I paused. "Isn't it Pharaoh 90?" "This guy's an UPGRADE!" Tomoe held out a small, translucent squid-like creature, not larger than the side of his left hand. It had three million round blinking eyes, and semi-translucent purple tentacles. "Isn't he the BEE'S KNEES?" "That thing will DESTROY THE WORLD!" I yelled in a panic. It had taken the combined powers of Sailor Saturn and Super Sailor Moon to kill the last one, and now Usagi-chan and her magic rock were way far away in the mists of future time. "Nahh," Tomoe said dismissively. "He just destroys small mice. He eats them up, DOESN'T HE?" Tomoe petted the squid demon, which purred affectionately. "ARE YOU INSANE?!" I yelled in full blown terror. "Why, yes," Tomoe said with a snicker and a maniacal laugh. "I don't want that Demon thing in MY HOUSE!" I yelled. "Ahem," Tomoe said slowly. "Who holds the mortgage on this house?" "Mitsubishi-Tokyo Financial Group." I didn't like where this was heading. "And who OWNS THEM like a HYPER-LEET BIATCH?" Tomoe laughed insanely. "Hotaru, in trust for Setsuna." I sighed. "Welcome Home, Professor Tomoe." "And Master Pharaoh 95," Tomoe said sternly, holding up the tiny squid and waving one of its tentacles in a "hi there" motion. "And... Master Pharaoh 95." I said dimly. "Good!" Tomoe said with a laugh. "NOW! While the MINIONS get to work installing my LAB in yuor BASEMENT, maybe we should go have some LUNCH. We're just STARVING, aren't we, Pharaoh-chan?" The demon squeaked its assent. After we ate (the demon having happily eaten Michiru's cooking, which only served to seal my suspicions about its evil nature), we filled in Professor Tomoe on the situation. "Well," he said slowly, "it's obvious this Supervolt PERSON is under the CONTROL of whoever the KIDNAPPER is. It's probably by her SENSHI powers that they KNEW you were coming." "But she looks more like a Phage than a real Senshi," Michiru cut in. "There you go again," I snapped, "stating the obvious like it's a revelation." I was still extremely sore about her Deanna-Troi style warning of danger that almost got my arm melted off in the last battle. "Phage?" Jedite asked. Oh yeah. He hadn't been around for the "fun" we had with Sailor Galaxia. "Well, Sailor Senshi have these things in them called 'starseeds'," I explained, "they contain the essence of the Senshi. It's like I'm Ten'ou Haruka, but via my the starseed of planet Uranus I can become Sailor Uranus." "Do I have one?" Jedite asked curiously. "Well, everyone has one," Michiru cut in. She's always interrupting, trying to show off the fact that she knows more about things than I do. She's pretty competitive when she wants to be. That demure reservation you see in public is a clever facade. If you really push her, like in a swimming race or something, she'll go all out to beat you-- and if you hold back, she gets really annoyed, either because you're implying she's not worth the effort, or because you've denied her a chance to declare victory. Being in the limelight is very important to her. "--but they're not always perfect," Michiru cut in. "A Senshi starseed can be completely removed and the essence of the Senshi will remain. A Human's starseed, being not perfectly formed, will make them into a 'phage' if it's pulled out-- a psuedo Sailor Soldier, a parody of what they could have been if they had a complete seed." "So this 'Sailor Supervolt' is a Phage then?" Jedite asked. "Looks that way," I cut in, deliberately cutting off Michiru. It annoyed her, but that was the point. "But who would team up with a Phage?" "Well," Professor Tomoe said, "it's obvious that you CAN'T go in there transformed, because they'll SPOT YOU a MILE away-- you're just going to have to use UNCONVENTIONAL tactics. MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!" "Well, first of all," I said authoritatively, "we need to be able to make our move independently of the voice on the phone. If we wait for him, we'll be tied to his schedule. We need to know where Elza is being held right now, and go there. So while Supervolt is policing the drop spot, we can move in and get the girl." I looked over to Michiru. "Michi, we can use your mirror to--" "No," Michiru said flatly, a smirk on her face. Damn. I shouldn't have been teasing her all day. Now she knew she had me right where she wanted me. Her face shifted into a wicked mask of barely-restrained glee. "Elza is your friend, Haruka. If you want me to do you a favor and help you find her, you'll have to do me a favor in return." "Gah," Jedite said darkly. "This is going to get ecchi. Let's get out of here, Tomoe." "Hey!" I snapped. Just what the hell did these guys think was going to happen here? Do we really put off that heavy an impression? Contrary to popular opinion, restraint IS in our dictionary! "Eat," Michiru said darkly, proffering a bite of the "food" she had prepared for breakfast. "Uhm," I said slowly, raising an eyebrow and trying to sound suave. "Wouldn't you rather this got ecchi?" "No." There was no retreat, no surrender. To get a mirror reading I had to eat. So, with trepidation, I brought the foul-smelling pile of pus up to my mouth and thrust it in, swallowing hard. * * * "While you were knocked out," Jedite said, hovering over my weakened form, "we came up with a plan." "Where's... Michiru?" I asked weakly, unable to focus my eyes or feel my limbs. "She left in anger after I refused to eat her poison," Jedite said with a smirk. "Idiot!" I muttered. "We need her to make the reading and find Elza!" "We don't need her stinking mirror," Jedite said confidently. * * * OUTSIDE CROWN GAME CENTER, AZABU-JUUBAN A lone policeman walked slowly through the night, whistling silently, his pitch varying every few seconds as though he was having trouble holding the confident tone. Cautiously, he looked around, inspecting the area. "You shouldn't have come here," a female voice said from somewhere behind him. "Huh?" The policeman asked, turning around in surprised shock. "Oh," he said with relief as he saw the woman in front of him. "A Sailor Senshi, Sailor--?" She was dressed like the famous Sailor Senshi, with her white sailor fuku accented by a silver skirt and cape, as well as a copper- colored front bow. Her face was obscured by the dark. "Sailor Supahvolt," the girl said with a charming grin as she stretched forth her hands and released a blast of searing energy that ripped into the policeman, shredding some of his uniform and blistering his skin. As the policeman gasped for air, crumpling onto the ground, he threw his hands up in what appeared to be a submissive gesture. Sailor Supervolt snickered and sent forth a barrage of acid that hissed and bubbled as it began melting the unfortunate officer. As he rolled on the ground screaming, she kicked him in the side before jumping away into the night. "Arrgh," the policeman gapsed for a final time before going silent, his eyes closing. Presently, a deep laugh escaped the still body of the policeman. Rising up slowly like some undead thing from its slumber, he cast off his acid-burned jacket and pants, tossing aside his policeman's hat, glasses and black wig. Standing tall in the pale moonlight was the proud figure of a blonde-haired dark man in a blue-grey military uniform. * * * "Look! You know you can't match my intuition!" I shook my head. Michiru was at it again. I don't know what's wrong with her. Ever since we beat Galaxia and won peace for the world, it's like she's been itching to prove herself for some reason. Without enemies to fight against, she seems to be focused on proving herself better than everyone around her. The problem was that she apparently had come to the conclusion that she *was* better than the rest of us, and we, as her inferiors, had better shape up and follow her perfect lead. Sighing, I tried to make her see reason. "All I'm saying is, he's already gone out there, let's give him a chance to pull it off!" "You're so stubborn!" Michiru said, struggling to avoid breaking into a desperate yell. "You won't listen to anything I say! You don't eat what I cook, you persist on being a slob, you listen to that 'Emblem' or 'Enema' or "Emememem" nonsense at all hours, and you drive like a maniac!" "Michi!" I snapped. "Come on! We all have our unique ways of doing things! We have to work as a team, or we won't be able to succeed! You can't just go around doing things your own way! We should be working together!" "You sound just like Usagi. Always crying about co-operation and teamwork." Ouch. That was cold. "Face it," I said perhaps a bit too bitterly, "you're not the king of the hill here." "Oh?" she replied with barely masked venom. "I did it," Jedite said, striding into the room. His uniform was singed and burned away in a few places, but he seemed as arrogant and self-assured as ever. "I hung around the drop point posing as a policeman. Sailor Supervolt showed up and attacked me. I managed to throw a tracking device on her. We can find the hideout no problem." He paused. "I *know* I've felt that girl's energy somewhere before." "Bah!" Michiru said, pulling out her mirror. "I could have saved you the trouble." Staring into it, she squinted. "See? There's Elza, tied up and scared." She turned the mirror to face us. "So zoom OUT," Professor Tomoe said. "SHOW us where that ROOM is." Michiru sweatdropped. "Uhh... the mirror doesn't work that way." "So it's the tracking device then," Jedite said confidently. "Let's go." Professor Tomoe (carrying Pharaoh 95) and I followed him out to the garage. "FINE!" Michiru yelled, her self-composure gone. "You go! I'll show all of you! I'll save her *myself*!" Transforming, she leapt out of the room. GARAGE "This is how you plan on making the car unrecognizable?" Jedite asked me incredulously. I don't know what his problem was. I had taken the black Ferrari and painted a red racing stripe down its sides, added a red rear spoiler, and trimmed out the wheels with fancy red hubcaps. It looked like a totally different car. Totally. I swear. There was no resemblance to its former self at all. After we climbed into the car, my heart nearly stopped. I saw Pharaoh 95 sitting on the beige rear seat next to Tomoe. Directly under the creature, a large stain had appeared on the expensive plush seat-- and it was growing. "HEY!" I yelled. "Sorry about that," Tomoe chuckled. "Pharaoh-chan hasn't been housebroken yet." My response was just too foul for print. "Can we please get moving here?" Jedite asked. LATER, ACROSS THE STREET FROM THE OSA-P JEWELRY STORE "Get this thing off of me!" Jedite hissed, doing his best to push the tentacles of Pharaoh 95 off his face. The squid had sensed his evil, and in its attempts to be affectionate, had crawled onto his shoulder. "Shh!" I said, looking through my binoculars at the roof of the OSA-P building. Sailor Supervolt was standing there, scanning the horizon. It didn't look like she had seen us, but her face was still obscured by the darkness, so it was hard to be sure. The tracking signal had led us here. "So," Professor Tomoe said as I lowered the binoculars, "the plan is to BREAK in to the building three doors DOWN from OSA-P, and then MAKE OUR WAY into the building with STEALTH and CUNNING, eventually FREEING the GIRL. muahahahahaha." He was trying super-hard to whisper. "Yup," I confirmed. "As long as I stay untransformed and Jed here keeps his power level down, they shouldn't notice us." "Blubleeb!" Jedite mumbled in panic as Pharaoh 95 covered his face with its body and began wrapping its tentacles around his throat. "Dat's a BAD widdle Pharaoh-chan," Tomoe said in baby talk as he idly watched his pet strangulating Jedite. "Hello?" Came a voice from outside the car. "Huh?" I asked myself, rolling down the window. "Haruka-san, is dat ewe?" *That voice.* I looked out the window. Sure enough, it was Osaka Naru. Makes sense, we were right outside her mother's store. "Hey... it's not safe here!" I asked, subconciously noting that wherever Naru was, Nephlite was almost sure to be close behind. She grinned for a moment and inexplicably headbutted the side of the car. "Oy!" I began. That paint was expensive! As she raised her head away from the side of the car, I noted with dim terror the fact that a *starseed* had popped out of her forehead, and her clothes had changed into a faily good facsimile of Sailor fuku. "Uhh--" I began. "PINK BUNNY ENERGIZER ELECTROCHARGE ATTACK!" And, for the second time that day, we all fried like green tomatoes left out on the back of a griddle stuck under the withering heat of a bright equatorial sun. EYECATCH - Super-Deformed Haruka burning rubber, racing her yellow Ferrari out of the front driveway, leaving Super-deformed Hotaru, Jedite and Michiru covered in exhaust fumes and smoke. COMMERCIAL: I'm Carrot Top. I'm a freak of nature. Call 1-800-COLLECT right now or you'll be forced to look at my emaciated face for the rest of your natural life. EYECATCH - A tow truck hauls Haruka's smashed Ferrari back to the house as super-deformed Haruka looks at the camera and shrugs. ACT II: HEEL TURN "Oh, man," I said slowly as I regained conciousness. "I am really getting sick of being tasered by that [BLEEP]." I looked around. We were in a dingy, foul-smelling, musty dark back room filled with old tools and equiptment. "GOOD!" Professor Tomoe said. "you're AWAKE! Blow a HOLE in that WALL and we'll get OUT of here!" I reached out for my transformation pen, only to find that it was gone. [BLEEP]. "My transformation pen is gone. Without it, I can't turn into Sailor Uranus." Professor Tomoe frowned. "Hmm. Hotaru told me about THOSE things. You know she DOESN'T use one?"* *See the Various Emotion Henshin! "Huh?" I looked at him askance. "She just FOCUSES her POWER on the act of transforming, and she DOES. I THINK those fancy PENS are just a FOCUS to make it EASIER to transform." "Hmm," I muttered, "maybe I could do that too." I sat in a cross-legged position and began focusing my thoughts, trying to build up power. "We don't have time for you to sit contemplating your navel," Jedite said coldly, standing up. "So YOU blow a hole in the wall," I shot back, concentration broken. "I would, but Pharaoh 95 over there sucked out all my power." Jedite glared at the small squid-demon, which blinked it's three million cute little eyes and belched. "It will take a few hours for me to recover." "Gah, that's not enough time," I said, shaking my head. "Heh Heh. Don't worry," Professor Tomoe said with a laugh. "Those idiots have made two FATAL mistakes." "Like what?" I asked. "One," he said, pointing at the door, "they've left a TOTALLY apathetic guard who's too BUSY reading his copy of NEWTYPE to actually CARE about what WE'RE doing in here. And two--" he waved his arms around the room triumphantly, "they've left YOU, an ex-internet anarchist, and ME, a MAD SCIENTIST, in a room filled with TOOLS and RAW MATERIAL." His glasses glinted as he began laughing madly. As I took in the room once again, I felt a mad laugh rising in my throat as well. Over the next hour, we ripped apart old tires, cut up pieces of scrap iron, ripped wiring out of the walls, and made liberal use of welding torches, drills and rivet guns. Everything went smoothly even with Pharaoh 95 constantly getting underfoot and trying to strangulate us at every conceivable opportunity. Finally, we were almost ready to make our move. "Dammit," Jedite said angrily, "you're a real one, why don't *you* do it?" I shook my head. "You're better at disguise. Besides, my presence would be more easily missed." "[BLEEP]." Jedite sighed. "MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Tomoe laughed. "Shut up, you crazy fool!" Jedite snapped. "You'll pay for this, Ten'ou. Go cut that melon in half and bring it over here. Also the red and brown paint." A few minutes later, we were ready. "Can't you KEEP THAT STUPID THING QUIET?!" I bawled at Professor Tomoe. "IT KEEPS TRYING TO STRANGULATE ME, AND I NEED TO FOCUS MY MIND SO I CAN GATHER UP ENOUGH ENERGY TO BLOW UP THE WALL AND GET US OUT OF HERE!" "IT'S NOT PHARAOH-CHAN'S FAULT YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE AFFECTIONS OF A CUTE BABY PAN-DIMENSIONAL MEGADEMON!" Tomoe yelled back (whichw as very easy for him). "DON'T WORRY, WE'LL GET THE GIRL OUT BEFORE *ANYONE* *NOTICES* *WE* *HAVE* *HER*!" As expected, the peephole in the door slid open, and the guard looked in as Professor Tomoe and I stood next to the far wall, arguing, while "Elza Gray", the kidnap victim, watched incredulously. Professor Tomoe lit a magnesium strip that flared up and began to burn, eating through the wall. "Hey!" the guard yelled. "How'd the girl get in there!?" He threw open the door, gun drawn. "Step over here, lady. Nice and slow." "Whatever you say," 'Elza' replied, in a gruff masculine voice. "Huh?" the guard asked, confused. Unfortunately, he never did figure out that it was Jedite in disguise thanks to some body paint and melon halves shoved down his shirt, because Pharaoh 95 launched itself at his face, and latched onto the hapless lackey, eagerly sucking the life energy out of him until the man was nothing more than a wizened, dried up husk of dessicated flesh. "GOOD BOY!" Professor Tomoe said with a diabolical laugh as Jedite and I looked at one another apprehensively. "I can't wait to get out of this dress," Jedite said angrily, exploding out of the costume, his melons launching themselves outward like artillery shells, blasting a hole in the hallway outside the open door. "Hey! What's going on!?" Some generic guards yelled from outside. "Come on!" I yelled, and the four of us quickly exited our prison cell. We fought for every step on the staircase, punching and kicking our way through generic guards, knocking them aside, throwing them down, and even chucking a few out the window (after which they landed safely in a dumpster below). Finally, we made it to the top. "Hi, boyz." Sailor Supervolt stood in front of us, her arms in an attack position. "I'm not a boy," I stated suavely. "Naru-chan, what happened to you?" The magic that conceals a Senshi's identity was making it hard for me to clearly see her face, but as my mind accepted the possibility of her identity, her features and voice became more and more recognizable. Naru, err, Supervolt, snickered. "Every time a villain comes to town, I get attacked, rite? Sose I hook up wit Umino an' we move outta town. But Sailer Tin Rodent or whoevah it was found me and hit me wit dese tings dat knocked da starseed rite outta me. Nobuddy was around ta help cuz Neffy had already killed Umino and he was outta town somewhere on bizness. So I musta wandered around feh a few weeks, until I hit my head on sumthin and knocked da starseed back in. Evah since den, if I hit my head an' knock it loose, I can transform. Nifty, hah?" "She must have an almost perfect starseed," Professor Tomoe muttered. "The next stage in human evolution." "No wonder we were always targeting her for energy," Jedite muttered. "She was an almost-Senshi." "I gots news for ya, hunny!" Naru continued. "I AM a Senshi! Aftah Neffy an I hadta go on da run tanks to Haruka ovah dere, I decided ta share my secret wit my studly luv muffin. He helped me control mah powerz. Now weah a supah-powahful evil team! Nobuddy's evah gonna mess wit me again! SUPAH ELECTRONIC CARBIDE ASSALT!" A hailstorm of electricity lashed out at us, arcs of raw power coruscating around our bodies. I snickered as Supervolt looked at us, unable to understand why we weren't affected by her attack. "MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Professor Tomoe laughed. "Supreme Resistance to Electrical Charge = Insulation, BABY!" He pointed to the soles of our feet, which were coated with rubber we had taken from the tires in the prison cell. "Eat BATTERY ACID!" Supervolt yelled. "ALKALINE TIDE!" We quickly swung some metal plates backed with rubber into position, blocking the Acid Tide with a Romanesque shield formation. The acid harmlessly splashed off to the sides. "Allow me to show you my NEW TOY!" Professor Tomoe said with glee, as he produced the large apparatus he had built in the cell. "FIRE BUSTER III, for which I will apply for a patent!" Before Sailor Supervolt could react, Tomoe activated the flame thrower, which engulfed Supervolt in flames. "Ewe shouldn't throe batteries into dah fiah!" Supervolt yelled, screaming and leaping out of the window. "Stop, Drop and ROLL!" Tomoe yelled maniacially as he watched her rolling around in the dumpster, her flames setting the guards who were already in there on fire. Heh. I love it when a plan comes together. "Let's get Elza," I said authoritatively. I was pretty sure that Nephlite had to be behind this now. *My* intuition was acting up. Bursting through the only door on the second floor after setting it ablaze in order to melt the lock, we stopped cold. Nephlite was standing in the center of the room, an energy knife pressed against Elza's throat. "Hello, Ten'ou," Nephlite said with a laugh. "Looking for this?" He held up my transformation pen. "[BLEEP]ard." I said, scowling. It would by just like that green-blooded punk to keep the pen from me and start a fight. "I'll kill the girl unless you agree to fight me one-on-one, Ten'ou. If you win, I'll give you the pen. If you lose, well, heh-- you won't be needing it anyway." "You challenging me to a duel?" Scarily, the thought of facing Nephlite in raw hand-to-hand combat even if only in civilian form was making me excited. I guess I like fighting strong people. "Let the girl go and you got it." "Keep the freak and the loser out of this," Nephlite said, eyeing Professor Tomoe and Jedite. "Who are you calling a loser?!" Jedite said archly, balling up his fists. "WHO are you calling a FREAK?!" Tomoe said to Jedite, as he pet his demon. "Stay out of this!" I barked. "This is our fight!" "Let me kill him!" Jedite snapped. "This is nothing but a Dark Kingdom animal!" "I said BACK OFF!" I was yelling now, totally psyched. Nephlite shoved Elza to one side, raising his energy knife. I mentally wished I had my space sword, and to my surprise, the talisman appeared in my hand. All right. This was it. Our final showdown. As we circled one another, we dimly noted the room was filling with flame. The light of the fire flickered, casting obscene shadows as we moved. Elza stood, looking on in terror from behind Jedite and Tomoe as we prepared to do battle for the last time. As Nephlite raised his blade, his other hand holding the transformation pen mockingly, I snarled "let's get it on." Before we could move, a tidal wave of supercharged water blasted into the room from the outside wall, knocking us aside and blowing a hole in the opposite wall. I watched in horror as my transformation pen disintegrated in the blistering tide, releasing a cataclysmic blast of raw power. Nephlite cursed as the energy engulfed him. When it cleared, he was gone, save for a tattered piece of his uniform left on the floor, charred and smoking. "Are you all right?" Sailor Neptune asked *Elza*, ignoring me totally. That's right. Cripple me in the most horrible way possible and then suck up to my rival. Swell. "That [BLEEP] tried to kill me!" Elza yelled, pointing at me. Eh? What the [BLEEP]? "Her and her freaky friends, settin' fire to the place, runnin' around an' breakin' things! I coulda been vaporized, sister!" Elza and Neptune shared a common look of disdain. "Thank you sooo much, Sailor Neptune," Elza said, shaking her hand vigorously. "Girlfriend, you're da Bomb!"* * Thank you Cloverway! "After all the trouble we took to save her," Jedite growled. "Correction," Neptune said with a smirk. "I saved her." She leapt out the window, carrying Elza off. "Uhh," Jedite began slowly as he watched the walls begin to burn, "I think we'd better escape before we're trapped in this tinderbox." OUTSIDE THE FLAMING RUINS OF OSA-P "How could you interfere with our carefully thought-out rescue plan!" I glared at Michiru, who was smirking and shrugging. "Well," she shot back, "I got the job done, didn't I? I must admit, using all of you to run interference while I swooped in and saved the girl was a stroke of genius." "Bull[BLEEP]!" I fumed. There was no WAY she could have played us like that. This was *Michiru* for crying out loud, the sheltered, out of touch little rich girl sensitive delicate violin playing *painter* woman... not Michiruvelli. Right? RIGHT? "You just hung around like Tuxedo Mask in a tree somewhere, waiting till the last second and jumping in so you could make yourself look good!" Michiru shrugged, her face a beautiful portrait of smug satisfaction. "Either way, it was I who won the day in Elza's eyes." "Whatever," I said dismissively. The only way to deflate Michiru properly was to ignore her percieved "accomplishments". "What do you mean 'whatever'?" she asked indignantly. "Nothing," I said flatly. "You're the hero. Woo-hoo. Let's hear it for Super Sailor Michiru, saviour of the Earth." "Why can't I get respect from ANY of you?!" Michiru said, frustration mounting in her voice. "No matter what I do! You shouldn't underestimate me! Damn!" "Face it, Michi," I said a bit too haughtily, "we made a perfect team. The key word is *team*. When you try to go it alone, you can't manage it. Remember your attempts at getting a job, painting the house or getting me to change my habits? They all failed." "Oh? So I'm nothing without you, is that it?" Michiru asked darkly. Suddenly I realized I might have gone too far. "Umm," I stammered, "look. No. Umm, we need each other. Uranusandneptune, Harukaandmichiru. You need me, I need you." "Don't suck up to her, Ten'ou!" Jedite said darkly. "She likes to boss people around, telling them what to wear, how uncultured they are, how they should be more like her-- but she's got all the personality of a wooden stump! Outside of painting, playing that fiddle and swimming, what is she? What does she do? She's just a trophy for your left arm!" "Is that how you see me?!" Michiru said, trembling with rage. "Of course not--" I said desperately, seeing things beginning to spiral out desperately of control. We were steaming ahead full speed, next stop: the Rubicon, and I didn't like the idea of that one bit. "Face it dear," Professor Tomoe said slowly, "you ARE a bit WEAK in the PERSONALITY department. Haruka is a COOL Psudeo-DUDE with a TEMPER and a love for FAST living. Jedite's a DARK evil MAN who likes to FIGHT and wear DISGUISES. HOTARU is a brooding LONER with INSIGHT into the RUINOUS nature of REALITY. I'M an totally INSANE MAD SCIENTIST, and Pharaoh-chan is a TOTALLY CUTE demon who likes to EAT PEOPLE. You play a FIDDLE and play with PIGMENT. Sometimes you SWIM and look in a MIRROR. Compared to them, you're NONEXISTENT. MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHA!" "He eats people?" Jedite asked Tomoe in horror. "Yes, you SAW him suck one DRY in the cell, REMEMBER?" Tomoe replied. "What do you people know?!" Michiru shot back. "All I see are some washed- up has been weaklings who tried to take over the world and failed! I've beaten all of you! I've saved the world more times than I can count!" "YOU saved NOTHING," Tomoe said with a laugh. "You never even FOUGHT Beryl or Nephelenia, and Sailor Saturn + Sailor Moon saved the world from ME. Where were you? Oh YES. You were TIED up at the time yelling "Don't be fooled, Sailor Moon! Sailor Moon, oh, Sailor Moon, save us! Wah! Wah! Help us! And--" Hey now. I was there too, and I certainly wasn't pleading for Usagi to save us. Well. Not really. Well. Aww, [BLEEP]. Mad Scientist has a point. "--from what I hear, you got TAKEN OUT by Galaxia before the real fighting even BEGAN, succeeding only in KILLING your own people-- and my *DAUGHTER* I might add." Tomoe said that last bit darkly. "you're lucky she had a STAR SEED, otherwise..." he laughed menacingly. "You never saved the world. Not even ONE TIME. The most you've done is kill SMALL FRY, or contribute power like a BATTERY. A big, blue-haired BATTERY." "Hold up!" I snapped. Now he was indicting me, too. I mean, heck, I really didn't care who saved the world or how as long as it got saved at the end of the day, but to imply that we never did anything and it was all Usagi... Damn. He might be right. Aside from providing some powerups, we kinda did chew scenery while Usagi used her magic rock to blast the evil. But it was like that for *every* senshi, not just us. I could see Michiru's heart crack as she realized what Tomoe had said. In an instant, I truly knew her thoughts in the Zen way. She was a very competitive woman, that Michiru, and the reason she'd been treating us all like lower class citizens was because, I suppose, in her heart, she'd felt all along that she'd already won the race at some point in her life-- that we were the runners-up who needed her well-intentioned help so we could join her at the finish line. It's not that she hated us, or spat upon us, just that because she thought of herself as naturally superior, and as such, entitled to respect from her inferiors. I never understood that because when I raced, I just did it to run as fast as I could for the speed of it. I was never really interested in who I passed along the way. But now, thanks to Jedite and Professor Tomoe, perhaps two of the most tactless people on the planet, she'd come to the conclusion that she hadn't won the race; indeed, that she was somewhat at the rear of the pack, far outshadowed by a careless, clumsy crybaby with an Odango hairdo and given meaning only in the context of others such as myself. But so were we all, whether we wanted to admit it or not. "Michi..." I said slowly, hoping to let her know I finally understood her thoughts. "FINE," Michiru said acidly. "So that's it then. All of you think I'm a worthless poseur whose only function is as a fashion accessory for Haruka and a battery for Usagi-chan's Ginzushou. Well, I'll show you all exactly what *Kaioh Michiru*, acting alone, without limits, is REALLY capable of. And when I'm done, you will ALL acknowledge my superiority... you won't have ANY CHOICE." "Michi!" I said more ugently as she began to walk off. We were close to that Rubicon... "When next we meet," Michiru said, not even looking back to acknowledge me, "you will bow in submission before me. Sayonara." "I told you before I don't like those kinds of games!" Jedite and Tomoe were looking at me funny as she walked off. What? What? Aww man, where was Michiru going? What was she gonna do? For that matter, what were *we* gonna do about it? The Rubicon had been crossed! "That's a good Pharaoh-chan," Tomoe said as Pharaoh 95 ate a small dog whole. Was it me or was that thing getting larger? "Let's go home," Jedite said slowly. And so it was that in 2002, two men, one woman and a small demon were trapped in a jewlery store by a Dark General and accused of botching a rescue they didn't mess up. They promptly escaped from a minimum security toolroom to the Tokyo suburban underground. Today, still hated by their enemies, they survive as soldiers with a fortune. If you have a problem, if no one else can help-- and if you can find them-- maybe you can get rescued by... the Suburban Senshi. Well, that was my day, with its ups and downs. It started off bad and ended up worse. I think I hear Hotaru coming back now. I guess I should tell her what happened. Jedite and Tomoe are already making plans to follow Michiru. We've all got a bad feeling about this. But it's just Michiru, right? What kind of trouble could she possibly get into on her own? FADE OUT PREVIEW OF NEXT EPISODE That's it for Season Two of Suburban Senshi! Not quite the cliffhanger you expected, eh? What's Michiru planning? Will Pharaoh 95 eat the world? What does Hotaru think of all this? What happened to Nephlite? What about the ORIGINAL PLOT for episode 12? Well, our season premiere will answer those questions and more... but you'll have to be patient! Our noble author has to stop writing for a while so he can pass his examinations! But don't worry, Suburban Senshi will be back soon... stronger, better and funnier! ZINGER: There was no [BLEEP]ing way I was gonna let myself get killed by something that resembled the end result of a giant squid's enema.